z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Cursed Blood (part 1)

by Tere5350


The clouds parted slowly and sunlight streamed from the widening gap onto the canopy of the forest. Then, like ribbons, it poured onto the forest floor,greeting the young birds in their nests and their parents from their deep slumber. Chirps rang out as all species of birds realized it was time to venture for food; the forest soon became no longer a mystery of unidentified sounds and rustlings but a community of squirrels, snakes, hares, and other animals still half asleep in their burrow. A small giggling rose among the soft padding and cries of the forest dwellers, startling them for a moment. A wild pig trotted towards a large cave located under the nest of a family of sparrows and sniffed, and the animals stare and waited for something abnormal to happen.

The giggle rose again, this time with a soft humming, and the pig yelped. A small sparrow rose from its nest and fluttered over the cave. The forest became unnaturally quiet now, as if they were expecting something to appear, expecting a shared but unspoken secret of theirs to emerge from the cave ...And it did.

Then girl gingerly stepped from the darkness of the cave and studied the world around her. Merrily, she waved at the animals gathered around her cave, causing them to scatter away like ants. That didn't bother her, though for every single creature in the forest has the right to be afraid of her. What bothered her was that her eyes hurt from the vividness of everything; in fact, everything about her human form hurts. Her feet felt like they were being punctured by millions of tiny needles, her back hurts,How do humans stand this? Is this because they were born with it that they don't have to bear the pain? Regardless, she took a deep breath through her nose, savoring the aroma of the forest, the wetness of the ground, the new life sprouting through dead leaves, and the lives scurrying around her and even beneath her barefoot. She stuck out her tongue, and to her surprise, she couldn't sense her environment as much as before, only the wetness of the air.

In gaining some of her senses, she had also lost the ones she was born with.

But that's ok,she thought, rubbing her chin slowly,I can still transform back.

To prove her point, the young lady raised her slender fingers and pressed her palms together in a prayer. Before they eye could blink, she disappeared and in her place with a giant snake, a python in fact, appeared lying on the ground and sticking its tongue out as if searching for a potential prey. However, food was the last thing on its mind, for it has been meditating in its' spellbound cave for years. Instead of eating meat, it devoured on the positive energy gained from its' cultivation, which thus increased its spiritual energy and allowed it to be able to transform into a young woman of extraordinary beauty. A thousand year was quite short, but since it had done little bad doings in its past life, it's karma had been balanced, so it is easy for the python to reach enlightenment.

With beauty comes desire and with desire comes destruction, but the python has not yet to learn this. It didn't even realize the extent of its human beauty for it hadn't seen a human for several hundred years. Thus, its eyes bored through the tangles of trees as its body slithered across the dead leaves with ease and grace no other reptiles could compare. Among the shadows of the trees and bushes, every single animal that had seen the wakening of the female python peered fearfully at the giant reptile rippling like ocean waves, her body stretching to what seemed like endlessly across the forest floor. The python could sense them, but she paid no heed. It wasn't like she planned to come back and befriend insignificant creatures like them.

Now It was time to venture into the human world.

*********

"Fresh Meat! Fresh Meat! Buffalo meat, beef, pork, chicken! You name it we have it! Come and buy before it runs out!" a man on the side of the path shouted, waving his hands ferociously.

"Young master, do you want some fresh fruits for the beautiful madam back at home?" a woman asked, tugging the bare arm of a young man walking past. He appeared annoyed and pulled away quickly before muttering that he wasn't married.

"Fresh meat!Fresh meat! The best quality you have here!"

"Madam, take a look at this silk cloth. It is bought directly from a Chinese merchant, madam, and I promise you, you will be satisfied with its softness and durability!"

Somewhere among the crowd, a dog barked and soon, it was found chasing a large grey cat along the path of the busy market. A woman screeched as the two animals kicked dirt onto her fruits, and she quickly threw a coconut at them. The animals paid no heed to the commotion they caused as they kept running through any spaces available for them. Then, everyone became silent as they peered in the direction that the dog had vanished. From there, came a group of men, all shirtless and wearing kben. All of them were carrying knives in their sweaty, tan, and muscular hands. In front of them was a man who had captured the attention of everyone in the first place. He had thick black hair cut short and eyes darker than the bark of an old dying tree. His chest, and arms rippled with strength and his stomach was made up of several packs of muscle. His lips were full and pink, a sign of health and wealth, while his jawline was chiseled beyond perfection. While his bodyguards were dripping with sweat, he appeared to be fine as he held himself tall and proud.

"What are guys looking at?" he asked in his deep, soothing voice as his lips tugged into a small generous smile, "Please resume whatever you are doing and count me in as one of your customers."

"Young sir, would you like to buy some coconuts?" the seller on his left asked. Soon everyone else started crowding around him yelling for him to buy their products.

"Sir, please feel this silk cloth and you'll realize the true value of this!"

"Young Master, want to try some of these mangoes?"

The young man tried to untangle himself from the crowd, while his bodyguards tried to get past the sellers and reach their young master. It was quite normal for the young master to be treated like this; a handsome young man of high position will definitely get parents to hand over their daughters to him without a second thought, especially if the man happens to be the son of Mayor An, the head of the village. On the other hand, the poor young man appeared to despise this kind of attention for he had a deep scowl marked on his face as he tried to push through the crowd. As if fate had decided to lead his life into a new direction that very moment, he immediately tripped, face first onto a lady with her back toward him. Just as he was about to catch himself before touching her bare shoulders, she immediately turned and two large, dazzling eyes gazed onto his with such intensity that immediately rooted him onto his feet.

She was beyond the description of beauty, with long thick hair the color of a raven's feather. Her eyelashes fluttered slowly and smoothly in surprise, at the same time casting tiny needle like shadows over her youthful tan skin. He stared at her in awe, his eyes traveling down her naked shoulders to the small cloth wrapped around her chest, her the upper part of her breasts slightly poking from underneath the thin cloth. A feeling he couldn't identify suddenly erupted in his chest and he found himself choking on his words as he tried to apologize or say something smart to her.

"Are you ok, young sir?" she asked, her voice soft and smooth as silk.

He could only nod. The girl smiled and turned away, her hair bouncing across her shoulders and down to her narrow waist.

"Wait!" he called out, silencing the entire crowd, who started looking around for the source of his attention. The girl turned around and smiled an angelic smile at him again, her eyebrows raised with a tiny hint of confusion. "My name is Meakea," he introduced, rushing up to meet her, "What is your name?"

The girl appeared panicked, as if she did not know what her name was. Meakea smirked and decided to flirt with her instead, "I will be surprised if you have a name, for a creature as beautiful as you would be regarded as unearthly by any eyes privileged enough to savor your perfection."

"Your praise brings me endless joy young master," she replied with a small, graceful bow, a mixture of a bit lowering of her head and a slight bent in her knees, "but I guess my beauty might not be as unearthly as you think for I do have a name."

"And may I ask what that is?"

"Mealea, sir," she replied with a smile, her eyes appearing to gaze right into his soul.

"Mealea and Meakea," Meakea said softly, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ears, "Your name fits perfectly with mine. Maybe we are meant to be after all."

"Names might be important for one's identity, but to be able to lift myself up to you, names are next to nothing because unlike you, I am just a poor farm girl living without her parents. A forest girl to be exact," she replied, turning slightly away from him, "Unlike you who got showered with every praises wherever you go, and you got people who are willing to bent down to kiss your feet at your order."

Meakea took a step forward, and the moment he did that, the crowd suddenly erupted in whispers. Some of them pretended to go on with their business, but the corner of their eyes still took interest in the pair flirting with each other in the middle of the market. For Meakea, this was normal for him to go flirting around with any women he liked, but a girl like Mealea should know better than to converse with someone at a higher status and in the middle of a crowd. Gossips about her would rang across the entire village before nightfall.

"A woman like you, any man would of any position would be willing to bent down just for your hand in marriage," Meakea replied.

Mealea stared at the handsome man before with keen interest. She had never seen such a fine human before, only those rough hand, dark skinned, and scar tainted hunters venturing inside the forest she had spent meditating. This man however, radiated a different kind of beauty. He radiated strength, charisma, and loyalty. She smiled.

There wouldn't be any harm in following her desires, would there?


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206 Reviews


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Thu Nov 07, 2019 11:59 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey there Tere5350! I am here for a review! As always, anything I say is not meant to offend or discourage you. I am here with good intentions and am sorry if I sound harsh. My usual style format of a review is to show you what could be editted and then tell you what I liked. That way, I can leave you on a positive note and you won't end up hating me ;)

Ok...review time!

A small giggling rose among the soft padding and cries of the forest dwellers, startling them for a moment.
This was a good sentence but I think the word "giggling" should be switched to giggle. It kind of sound funny the other way. Could just be me tho :-P

Then girl gingerly stepped from the darkness of the cave and studied the world around her.
Once again, great sentence! The only thing missing is an a between "Then" and "girl".

Her feet felt like they were being punctured by millions of tiny needles, her back hurts,How do humans stand this?
Here, I think it should be a period instead of a comma at "hurt". Also, is she thinking that? If so, it would be a good idea to put it in italics.

...and even beneath her barefoot.
It should probably be barefeet instead of "barefoot".

...her body stretching to what seemed like endlessly across the forest floor.
This just sounds funny. I think it should read "what seemed endless across the forest floor." But it's all up to you! :)

"What are guys looking at?" he asked in his deep, soothing voice...
I'm not 100% sure what time era this is in but I get the feeling that it is in medieval times. If that's the case, this sounds a bit too modern. :)

"Your praise brings me endless joy young master," she replied with a small, graceful bow, a mixture of a bit lowering of her head and a slight bent in her knees...
I get what you are trying to say but the wording was really confusing.

Something I'm noticing is that you keep saying "bent" but in most of them, it should be bend instead. There were a few other things but I feel like I'm ragging on you now so I'm gonna stop ;) On to the fun stuff!

So, I actually really like this! It was very captivating the way you wrote. It's not everyday there's a book mainly about a snake/woman. That's a new one and it's very intriguing. Your description is awesome too. There's enough of it to get a visual picture of what you are writing about but not so much that it makes me bored about it. That's a hard thing to come by. I find most writers are one or the other so good job on that! I look forward to seeing where this leads and I'm glad there's another part I can read!

Keep on writing!

Your friend,
Honora <3




Tere5350 says...


First of all, don't worry because you can never offend me with any of your reviews. I'm actually more than happy you took the time to help edit this, and it's really helpful because some of the mistakes here are ones I would never catch myself. Thank you!



Honora says...


Ok good! I am glad because then I can help you out without having to worry! ;)
Glad I could help!



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Sat Nov 02, 2019 1:19 am
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello Tere5350, Katja here to review your first chapter! As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any comments and suggestions I make should you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, onto the review!

Suggestions

Firstly, I noticed a few minor errors in grammar and other small issues. I will point a few of the most noticeable ones out....

Then, like ribbons, it poured onto the forest floor,greeting the young birds in their nests and their parents from their deep slumber.


The overuse of commas is not needed and the sentence itself feels run-on. I would recommend maybe starting with "Like ribbons, it poured onto the forest floor and greeted the young birds in their nests....." Which solves both issues. Since you clarified in the introduction sentence that the clouds were parting the "Then" isn't really needed to show us that the sunlight is beginning to stream, if that makes sense? Just my opinion of course!

The forest became unnaturally quiet now, as if they were expecting something to appear, expecting a shared but unspoken secret of theirs to emerge from the cave ...And it did.


Another run on sentence, perhaps "...quiet now as if they were expecting an unspoken secret to emerge from the cave. And, it did." I feel like jamming too much into a sentence or even a few lines takes attention away from whats actually happening. In this case adding too much emphasis on the anticipation of what is drawing them to the cave feels like forced suspense if that makes sense.

Her feet felt like they were being punctured by millions of tiny needles, her back hurts,How do humans stand this?


Run on, I recommend separating into different sentences. For example, "Her feet felt as though they were being punctured by millions of tiny needles. Her back was killing her. How can humans stand this?"

Other than that at the first half when she becomes a snake again, you begin referring to her as an "it" which makes sense if we are introduced to her as a snake first, but since we established "she" is a "she" i feel like this would be best to stick to referring to her as a she.


There were a few more minor issues like these, while not a big deal, proofreading can help weed out little issues like spacing or typos. These are just nitpicks and the other reviewer covered a good bit so onto the next part of my review!

Overall Opinion

I really like the story you have crafted thus far. We are being introduced to a very interesting main character who emerges from a cave as a young woman but who happens to have gained the ability to transform into a human and is actually a python. She has been meditating for quite some time and emerges ready to seemingly integrate herself into human life. The Animals of the forest seem to fear her by instinct though I really wondered why? If she emerges as human and has been in there for quite some time, what about her frightens them? Her energy? Past experience? Just a few questions this part brought to my mind. In the second half we are introduced to another new main character who seems to be of high stature. The setting seems to be taking place in different times (or perhaps in a different society than the one I'm accustomed to) and I enjoyed the introduction you gave us to the marketplace. "Meakea" is an important person (the leader of their village's son) and has guards following him around. I like the detailed description you gave for him which really helps me to envision him! He happens to bump into our Python who names herself Mealea and the too are enchanted by one another. I equally enjoyed the description you gave her through the observations of Meakea. She seems to be able to read him well, noting that he "radiated strength, charisma, and loyalty" and you end this chapter on some foreshadowing, "There wouldn't be any harm in following her desires, would there?"

I greatly enjoyed this introduction to the story you have so far. I look forward to reading your next chapter and hope to see where Mealea and Meakea end up and how their characters progress. I'm very curious to find out what kind of creature she is? Good? Bad? It's always a good thing to leave a reader hooked with questions in novel chapters. :)

I hope my review was helpful! ~

Keep Writing,

~Katja




Tere5350 says...


Hi, thank you for the review! I'm really excited to hear that you like this, and can't wait to hear your opinion further on. :)



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Wed Oct 30, 2019 3:24 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Hello there, Tere! Dreamy here to review your work.

Before we talk about the content let's first address the typos,

and the animals stare and waited for something abnormal to happen.


I noticed that you have written this chapter in past-tense but there were few places where the tenses were all over the place. Don't worry, I have the same problem, I'm advised to write more so I'll give you the same advice. It is working for me but it is a very slow process.

And here, it should be "the animals stared..."

Then girl gingerly stepped from the darkness of the cave and studied the world around her.


You are missing an article at the beginning of the sentence, "Then a girl..." Also, I'm don't think it reads well with "Then" in the beginning since you are introducing a new character, how about start with "A..." just a suggestion.

That didn't bother her, though for every single creature in the forest has the right to be afraid of her


Do they though? Do they really have their right to be scared, especially after seeing that she means no harm.

in fact, everything about her human form hurts.


"hurt her"

her back hurts,How do humans stand this?


her back hurt. How do humans...

Before they eye could blink


"the eye" or you could have simply written it as, "before her eye..."

and in her place with a giant snake, a python in fact,


"was a giant snake." And I'm not sure about the usage of "in fact" here.

for it has been meditating in its' spellbound cave for years.


You don't need an apostrophe here.

it's karma had been balanced, so it is easy for the python to reach enlightenment.


"its karma... so it was easy..."

but the python has not yet to learn this


"...has yet to learn this..."

like ocean waves,


singular, like "ocean wave"

her body stretching to what seemed like endlessly across the forest floor.


When I read this, I imagined her melting away. I think saying, "vertically" or saying "her body stretched the length of the forest floor..." or something like that would paint a better picture.

he immediately tripped, face first onto a lady with her back

her the upper part of her breasts slightly poking

would rang ring across the entire village before nightfall.

any man would of any position would be willing to bent down just for your

she had spent meditating


Just re-write the last line.

I'm a huge fan of the introduction. It was so neatly descriptive that it made me read the entire thing. So that's good. The introduction of the snake-human creature was interesting too but I think it needs it a little bit of proof-reading to actually enjoy it. The same goes for the market scene as well, especially the scene where they two meet.

Overall, this is a well-written chapter and it is an interesting story. It only needs some editing that's all. Keep up the good work.

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




Tere5350 says...


Wow, thank you for the detailed review. I'll definitely keep writing!




seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
— SilverNight