Deleted. Check my blog as per reasons why, in the entry entitled "Sigh."
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
All the plot-related stuff you mentioned is actually going to come up later. As I said a while back, the fantasy aspects come up soon- in fact, in the next part. It's not like typical dragons-ghouls-unicorns-wizards kind of fantasy. There's a little magic that enters into it, like Tyson's disappearing act.
Not sure why, but "said" and I must be arch rivals lol. My teachers have done a damn good job of hammering the whole "vary your word choice" thing into my brain. That's something I'm really conscious of when I write.
I have never seen what's wrong with adverbs. Rather, I don't understand why not use them. It's hard for me to look at something and go, "That adverb shouldn't be there." It's just my style, I guess.
But I'll try to make those changes.
Nice, I remember reading some of your other stuff. A few things
# You use speech tags too often. Dont be afraid of "said" - said is your best friend.
"Speech here," Character said.
Thats fine, use tags sparingly.
#Adverbs - you use a few adverbs in your speech. "shakily" - they arnt necessery, cut them out!
#The stabbing bit was poorly done - I dont think we get enough of what stephen is thinking here, how he feels - like a viper has bit into his body and its poison is spreading through his limbs? Its sort of "stab stab stab" then its all over.
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Ok, now the good. This style is simple, easy to read, nicley paced - I enjoyed the read. I enjoyed Tyson's character, Im a little confused where the fantasy is going to come in but all in good time, eh?
Good work.