Two World: Chapter 1

King here

I think that this needs to be edited as a whole because there is a small mistake in everything if it is ver unfortunate to say this right now, this is how it is sadly. I will try to explain something if it is needed but I think most of the things wil be understand when you see them corrected, and that will help you see your own mistakes. I do not know if anyone have edited it till the end but I think of doing it, not leaving my work done to the half.






It started like every other day, I woke up, did my chores, went to school came home ate dinner and went to sleep, expect it wasn't exactly like usual. It was different from the original days at school, friends did not disappear throughout the day.

It was normal day until I came home from school and that day, I learned why everything was different.

“Ally, welcome home, where is Will?” As soon as I walk threw the door, mom pipes up from the kitchen, and of course, she’s more worried about Will than me.

I walk through the living room to see two men on the couch. I set my bag down before answering, and sitting on the chair, next to the two strangers who nod towards me.

“He stayed after school for practice, Mom, did you forget tomorrow's the big hide and hunt match? There will be sixteen schools there.” I stare towards the kitchen door then back at the strangers who had opened a lemon coloured folder, and it appeared they were going through paperwork.

“Ally, could you go back to the school and pick Will up please? One of these fine gentlemen are here to take him to his new school.” Mom states as she comes in with three glasses of water, handing two of them to the men on the couch as she sits on the last chair across from me.

As soon as my mind processes those words, I remember the king saying that everyone is able to go to the high or advance schools; Mutants school ( everyone that goes here is never heard of again they probably kill the mutants but we can say it's a school), Working school (this one actually just prepares those who don’t meet the requirements of the other schools and are usually for lower class residents.), Performing Arts school (this one is fairly simple it's, drama, music,and art, all in the title), the last school I can’t seem to remember the name as I write this to you but it is for those who meet the requirements for math and most people who go there get jobs in congress and such. I also know that one of the men is coming for me and the other - for Will. I also know that Will isn’t going to a good school, he will be going go to the mutant school.

“Ally, will you please go do that, these men are waiting.” Mom draws me out of my thoughts and I realize even tho it seemed like she was asking, she was actually giving me an order.

“Yah I guess I will.” I roll my eyes and stand up and so do one of the men.

“Ma’am I suggest you do not speak to any older individual like that again.” The man looks at me and back to his friend who is nodding his head while looking at his work.

“Okay I understand.” I turn my back and wave with the back of my hand as I head towards the door. Just as I am about to reach it, I feel something pulling me back. When the force gets pulls me back to the living room, it turns me towards the man who was just scolding me.

“Ma’am, I said be respectful. Now lets try it again. I suggest that you do not speak to an older individual like that again, understood?” I stand up straighter and give him a face that says I am not going to do that. He must have been able to tell for the force moved to my ribs and it felt like they were beginning to crush them. My breath immediately goes away and I start to tear up and gasp for air. I see through my watering eyes that mom tries to stop him and she gets pushed back down on her chair while the other man just stares at her.

I look at the man in front of me and I take all of my strength to nod my head at him. As soon as I do, I feel all pressure released and he nods and points the door.

“Now since hopefully you've learned some respect, you can go get your brother.” He turns around and and taps the other man who after feeling the touch looks back at his paperwork and mom finally relaxes and nods towards me to go.

As I walk out the door, I take one more glance before I shut it and I see mom talking to the men, I’m not sure about what but I have an unsettling feeling that it's about what just happened.

I finally reach the school and head to the hide grounds in search for Will. I put on th visitor vest so I don't get hurt and I walk into the field.

It wasn't even five minutes and I run straight into Will who was blending to the field.
(too sudden change of tenses)

“Ally, what are you doing, you're going to get hurt.” He turns around and sees me. The next thing I know, there is a person where there was no one on their place before.


“Mom sent me to get you, it's our turn to leave.” I tell him as I turn around, rolling my eyes, and slouching a little bit because my ribs still hurt. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Ally, I’ll meet you at the entrance.just let me my coach.” When I turn around he's already gone, so I head back the way I came and wait.


This was pretty long and tiring but here you go, hope this helped and have a good day.

Hey! Here to review your work. This is my first review in a loooong time.

"It started like every other day I woke up did my chores went to school came home ate dinner and went to sleep, except it wasn’t it was different from the officials at school to friends disappearing throughout the day."

The first sentence is run-on

I have no idea how to fix this or what you are trying to say

more grammar issues

*Appears after several overly dramatic strikes of lightning.

Heyo! I liked the prologue so I'm back again

So what have you done well? Well, first and foremost you continue to write your protagonist in a great manner. The eye rolling mentioned subtly makes her a lot more believable, and the way in which you bring up her ribs on multiple occasions emphasizes how her injury is a lasting one, and makes the reader feel bad for her. Her dialogue is also very good and matches up with her overall demeanor beautifully.

The tone is also very well established as being grim and dark. The serious and personal aura of the story has the potential to make it stand out from the rest. Nice work there.

And now is the time... for MORE NITPICKING!!!

(Once again, what I say here is based off of personal preference. Please do not treat it as gospel.)

The main inherent flaw which your writing had in the prologue persists here. You lack detailed scenery and the description which goes along with it. What does the house look like? How big is the field and does it have grass? Is this happening during night or day? We don't know. Adding context like this really helps the reader become engrossed in the story. Please remember to do so in the future

The other big thing I noticed was that you wrote the protagonist with a certain relatable passion, but from what I could tell not much effort was put into creating the personalities of the other characters. I understand that this story is from the first person perspective, but showing mannerisms and traits of the other characters is a great way to make the reader care about the relationships between the characters of the story.

Overall, you once again create a lovely protagonist, but fall a little flat in the matter of describing the world around her. Hopefully this helps!

Have a good day, and happy writing! -Wizard

*Disappears in a puff of smoke.

Hey Taya2019, it's AshleyDashley!
I really liked Chapter One! I thought that the part where Ally beat.... I think... By that man was terrible. Not like bad but like I didn't like them, they were mean! I liked how you made Ally tell Will It's our time to leave. I thought that it was really mysterious. GREAT JOB! I can't wait for Chapter 2! You did have some spelling errors by the way!

AshleyDashley