Two Worlds: Chapter 2

King here

Hello there! I can not say that the previous path caught my eye so much with its story but I thought of giving the second part chance.

The main thing I noticed when I read and reviewed the prologue of your story was that you lack punctuation and other important things to make your look more proffesional and touched. With that left aside, you do give us a big of the information we need and you tell us from which eyes you will write even if I think we would understand without you telling us, I would. While reading the prologue, I did not find the story very realistic, I know it is not suppossed to be boring slice of life but the way you described us the schools and the lives of the students did not go well at least with me. Maybe it lacks imagery and nothing interesting was included. You could open a door to such a big world if you have continued with the topic for the Mutants school, as an example.

I see this part is longer than any other so I do not know if I will be able to actually edit/correct each single mistake that I notice, I will still try my best to say the most important. Some mistakes are the same but in different places so maybe we will skip them if possible. I will edit only the parts I correct and they will be down below.




As I run to the coache's post, I run by go past the enemy flag. I know that I have to leave, so I can't take it back to my own team's post. I yell, letting my team know that the flag is in this direction, and continue running.

“Coach, I got to go, it’s my and my sister's turn to leave.” I look up at him, waiting for the nod, and a couple of seconds later he nods and hands me a pin. I tell him thank you and take the back way way back out.

As I walk around to the front entrance, I admire the pin; it's gold with a man hiding in a bush, on the back it says 'The Invisible Man'. As I try to figure out how to put it on, I run into Ally.

“Will, we got to go, the men are going to be mad if we don’t…” She trails off once she sees what's in my hand.

“Will, is that a pin?” She asks me, taking it out of from my hand.

“Yah it is, coach gave it to me.” I watch her read the back then she looks at me and steps forward. I A few seconds later, she steps back and and she had successfully put the pin on me.

“Now it is perfect, now let's go.” She takes off running and that's when I realize she has no shoes on. I laugh at the spectacle before I take off after her.

“Will is that you?” I ended up beating Ally to the house so I walk in first to be greeted by mom at the front door. “Will, come on in, a nice man is here to take you to your new school.” Mom sounds almost too cheerful but I go along and step into the living room after I sit, I hear the front door open and Ally comes in and sits at my feet.

A man with a lemon folder in his arms stands up and opens it.

“Are you Will Chaplin?” The man asks, looking at me to my pin then back. I nod my head in response and he looks back at the other man on the couch who stares at Ally.

“Will, if you would be kind enough to grab your toothbrush and anything else you need from the bathroom, you will not need clothes." I look down at Ally who seems upset but she smiles at me and I stand up and nod. I head to the bathroom and moments later, I come back out with my deep blue toothbrush for my teeth.

The man with the folder walks to the door and holds it open for me.

“Wait, I’m leaving now? Can’t I wait for dad to come home?” I ask with a shocked expression on my face. The man smiles and looks at me thoughtfully.

“Wasn’t your dad a mutant?” He asks me politely but with a little bit of laughter in his voice. “See, Will, I will explain everything when we are safe in the vehicle.” The man smiles and nods towards my mom before I feel a slight pressure on my back and I walk with it out the door.

“Bye Mom! Bye Ally!” I shout as I get into the front seat of a black car, I’m not good with these types of cars so I couldn’t tell you what type it was even now.

As I sit in the car, I listen to country songs, watching the town go past my window as I think back to when I had last seen father.



“Will, I do not know when I will be home, but you have good control over your mutation, don’t let it burdaen you, it is basically like a super power. Will, in good time you will know if I don’t return what has happened to me you want to know what have happened to me if I do not return for long. If you find out, don’t tell your sister or mom. I love you, Will, take care of them until my return.”
He then turned to go to Ally’s room and I don’t know what he told her.


But that was five years ago.




“Will, we are here, welcome to the Mutants Academy.” All the happiness from my body disappears and fear grips my heart like a stone cold hand.“I suppose you are now wanting answers for what was said back at the house right?” I turn back to the man driving the car.

“Well you see, your dad was well higher ranking than most, so he was able to start a family but he also had to do his job. Will, what I’m saying is the reason why when you asked your dad for him to tell some of his childhood stories, he had no memories of them, and nor will you.” He picks up his hand and there is a flashing light and I hear a thumping noise, I’m not sure if it was me or what something else.



The flashbacks are pretty much put in the work like they are current actions, so you need to seperate them from the present actions and let them pop out of the text. The reader needs a bit of a hint to understand we are talking about a flashback, you say it is five years ago but we already have read the speech of the dad, not sure what the heck is going on. In general, the story is good but maybe it just does not catch my eye so much for now. I still give it the change to progress a bit more. Hope I helped and have a good day.

Hey there Taya2019. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I haven't read the previous chapter so I'm just going to try and jump right in. I'll go with all of my nitpicks first and then actually discuss the story. Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

As I run to the coaches post I run right into the enemy flag but I know I can’t take it back to my teams post I make a loud wailing noise and keep running towards the coaches station.

As I run to the coach's post, I pass right by the enemy flag. I know that I can't take it back to my own team's post and instead decide to make a shout, and continue running.

Taya2019 it's AshleyDashley Here for a review!

First off LOVED IT!! Second off I like how your doing the story in both Will and Ally's perspectives. It makes better for he reader to understand what is going on. The ending was spectacular. I'm so curious as to what happens to Will.

Okay so for mistakes I saw this one:

“There perfect now let's go.” She takes off running and that's when I realize she has no shoes on. I laugh at the spectacle before I take off after her.