Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Prologue
“How could you forget me I am your sister” I stare furiously into Will’s far off gaze. “How could you forget mother? Have you forgotten where you came from?”
“Ma’am I suggest you keep going” That is all I get from him as he points off to the entrance.
I grab his face and feel the little bit of fuzz still there and I shake his head.
“Why can’t you remember me, I am your twin, your other half!” He lets me shake his head and when I stop the waves someone over who turns me from him.
“Ally let's go, we will be late.” I turn and look up to see the prince, taking my hand. He starts pulling me away, and I take one last look at Will before I reluctantly follow the prince.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite and intriguing prologue here, its checking a decent amount of the boxes you expect to be ticked by most prologues and it sounds like it leads to a pretty interesting story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is off to a really interesting start here, looks like we're dealing with someone that has potentially lost their memory somehow or is perhaps pretending not to recognize their own family for some reason, both very intriguing angles to look at this with, but of course there is also the fact that it could just be the person asking the question that's mistaken this person for someone else or is perhaps has some other problem where she's going around asking random people these question...well...at any rate, this is very intriguing to include in a prologue.
Well...that was a very interesting ending, I wonder who this prince character is and if that is an actual prince or if perhaps prince is just the name. Well, that's not the kind of mystery that you expect to see in a prologue but then talking about how these two are supposed to be twins and well, this is all definitely asking a lot of questions. I am inclined to believe its either an honest mistake or something mysterious about this other person..judging by how this ended here...but hmm...nonetheless this would make for quite an intriguing prologue to start off with, it sounds a little incomplete somehow, I think its just that I get the feeling that this doesn't seem to offer us more, the ending of it seems to be a little too final sounding...but ehh...that's just my brain, feel free to ignore it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a really mysterious start here, its got a couple of things that make me think it could be improved somewhat but otherwise it does a pretty decent job.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there, I am passing by and leaving some advices and opinion on the way. This is a prologue so I really did not expect much, and by that I meant that I did not expect it to be long as the future first part. So I will be saying the long story short and just say what I think about this.
Review and edit by seperating them all in small sections
The first prespective is honestly not my most prefered to use in novel, short or whatever it is but this is my own opinion and it should not affect you. With that left aside, lets look at the other jazz I worry about.
Look at the start, the very first quotes. They lack punctuation, this is obvious. You need comma after the end/after 'sister' and you need fullstop after 'forget me'. Far off is 'far-off'.
It looks like you do not use fullstop either commas where they are actually needed. Use a comma if the speech is paused or continues after that with no one coming in between it or a fullstop if the speech/talk is done. You need fullstop here. I also notice that you do not give us any of the scenery either, just saying what their actions are but do not complete them. Maybe I just need you to be more detailed and actually tells us what is going on.
Lets be honest, this sentence makes no sense at all and we just can not deny this fact.
when I stop the waves
Read it two or three times outloud.
Now we will ask ourselves some questions to clear this up.
What do you stop?
The waves? What waves? Can you stop them? Where they are coming from? Do you mean that you stop shaking his head?
..someone over who turns me from him
Who turns you from him? There is no such a thing as 'turn someone from someone'.
Someone over who turns me? So that 'someone' is over? Over what? How do 'they' turn you?
All the right answers
It needs to be: "Why can't you remember me, I am your twin, your other half!" He lets me shake his head. The moment I stop, someone pulls me from behind/ turn me over/something else.
"Ally, lets go, we will be late." I turn and look up to see the prince, taking my hand. He starts pulling me away as I take one last look at Will, before I reluctantly follow the prince.
If you have questions, they are welcome, have a good day!
*Appears after several overly dramatic strikes of lightning.
Hello, my friend! Welcome to YWS! There is a lot of helpful feedback you'll get from this website, and I hope that you can use that to improve your writing like I have and still am! Oh, and speaking of writing....
First of all, lovely title! Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue, its great!
Secondly, you seem to have a good feeling for dramatic dialogue. As a reader, I could really feel the emotions (or emotionlessness lol) coming from the characters in this short section of writing, and this was what mainly made me care about the story, even without knowing much of the plot yet. Wondrous work!
And now it's time for... NITPICKING!!!
*Disclaimer: Take everything I say with a grain of salt. This is your story, not mine, and how good or bad it is is based upon the subjective opinion of the reader.
My first suggestion to you is to try to add scenery. Unless it is your intention for me to not know where your prologue takes place, I unfortunately have no clue what is going on. Is this happening indoors? In a snowstorm? On a spaceship? Who knows? I know this is only a prologue, but establishing some detailed scenery can really make your work come to life.
Secondly, this is purely personal preference, but I am not a big fans of prologues in general. I feel as if prologues are usually a cheap tactic to establish drama. The clever writer is able to function without the prologue, and establish the drama of the situation within the first chapter. I once wrote a prologue to my story and regretted it the instant I hit publish. It was a piece of garbage XD. Your prologue is certainly better than mine. What I would do if i were you would either be to mix this in with your first chapter, or save the scene for some sort of flashback later down the line. Of course, if you feel the need to have a prologue, then be my guest and keep it. This is your story, after all.
Overall, you are a great writer with a lot of potential who specializes in dialogue but needs some work on his/her scenery. I wish you luck on your future chapters! Let me know when the first chapter comes out, please!
Have a good day! -Wizard
*Disappears in a puff of smoke.
Hey Taya2019 it's AshleyDashley here for a review!
First off I really like your title it really gets the mystery going and it made me curious.
I see no grammar errors or spelling mistakes, congrats on that! I love how you start the prologue with her trying to bring him back. It made me feel sorry for her when he didn't answer her. When you added the prince as the one pulling her away I was surprised and I am going to guess that this is the twin that went public and her brother is going the opposite way. I think thought that you cloud have added more detail as to where they are so we have a better understanding of the setting. I cannot wait for the first chapter! Please let me know when you post it. Overall you did an amazing job! Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley