CHAPTER 4: “Where Are We?
The current pulled them fast, and so did the boat. Robin brought in the oars, worrying that they would break if he left it out.
Robin and Larry held on tight onto the boat. Larry was so scared that he screamed like a baby. The scream was loud. In fact, it sounded as if it was a wail instead!
“Shut up, Larry! I’m starting to think that you are a five year old kid instead of a thirteen year old teenager. That wail is extremely loud!” said Robin at quite a high voice.
‘Don’t say, that. Or I’ll…I’ll…I am going to…” Larry said, then paused. And in only two seconds, Larry’s wail became way, way louder than before. Some tears began to appear at his eyes.
“I wonder why I chose a baby to come along with me,” Robin said to himself.
“What?! What did you say about me?” said Larry, suddenly turning very angry.
Robin grinned at the most innocent looking face. “Nothing,” he said.
He turned his head towards where they were heading. There was no clue on where they were heading to. The currents keep moving left and right and turned around. Sometimes, they even switched currents.
“This is bad,” Robin thought.
“I am getting seasick,” Larry thought.
“I am dizzy,” Robin thought.
“This is crazy!” Larry thought.
“We are going for a forest,” Robin thought.
“We are going yo an island,” Larry thought.
All sort of imaginations, quotes and figures appeared in their minds on what could happen to them. Either they died, survived, starved, thirst and a whole load more made them imagine that they were going to die soon.
“There is obviously no way we will survive. We are getting nowhere,” Larry said.
“Oh yes we are, somehow…” Robin said in a low voice. He somehow agreed in a way that Larry was right.
They stayed in the boat for a couple more hours, when Robin could not take it anymore.
“Alright, Larry. This is coming to an end. It is ‘DO OR DIE!’” Robin said at last.
“I guess you are right,” Larry agreed.
Robin nodded his head and the two boys began to put their hands into the water and tried to steer the boat. However, they could not change the direction of the boat at all. The current was still to strong. This was a tough job, but the boys gave up too easily.
“That’s it! EMERGENCY PLAN!” Robin shouted.
Larry tossed Robin a thick rope. A thick brown one Robin had brought along. Larry then moved to the nose of the boat. Robin tied himself tightly at the waist on one side of the rope, and hooked the other side of the rope onto the boat. He tied the knot almost too tight that he almost could not release the knot. He then jumped down into the waters and started kicking while pushing the boat. He paddled the boat out of the current while Larry used his hands to paddle from the nose. The current fought against them, making them tired. But the two boys did not give up.They worked very hard indeed, hoping that they could steer somewhere else. This was the hardest time they had in their life. Sea water splashed all over Robin's face. And Robin nearly drowned every time a giant wave hit him. He was nearly exhausted. Every kick counted. And every millilitre of sea water swallowed chocked him a little. It could not have gone worse. But it was worth it! In about half an hour, they managed to steer the boat out of the current, meaning that their boat was now under their control once more!
Robin climbed up onto the boat again.
"Do you need a boost?" Larry asked, offering his hand.
"Dude, I'm no wimp," Robin said and shooed away Larry. He climbed up the boat, but his feet suddenly slipped. He dropped back into the waters. He tried again several times, but kept on slipping.
"Umm, Larry, about the boost..."
"I knew you would need it. I was waiting for you to..."
"Just give me a boost!
Larry pulled Robin up. He untied the rope, which took him ages, as he tied so hard. He gripped the rope and pulled as hard as he could. Slowly, the rope slipped out, and the knot was untied.
Robin then rowed the boat towards North. And finally, after about four hours, they found shore! Robin rowed as quickly as he could. The minute they reached there, Robin collapsed onto the soft golden sand.Larry followed exactly every movement that Robin did.
It was half past nine, and Robin and Larry were already tired, so they fell asleep. About one in the afternoon, they woke up. Robin and Larry wanted to do a little bit of exploring on the island they found. They looked at each other's wet and soggy clothes, and then got changed and went to explore the little beach they have discovered. They walked out of the beach, expecting to see a large jungle. To their surprise, it was no ordinary island, it was a town! Which means they have moved to another country!
They were so shocked, but proud. The light of exploring has come and brought them to another country! But there was only a few questions stopping them. Where were they? Which country were they in, and in which continent? Which sea did they pass?
Robin saw a row of shops, leading down the block. Robin quickly went to a shop owner in a grocery and asked, “Hello, sir. Which country is this?”
The shopkeeper slanted his head, then answered, “Ich verstehe nicht.”
“Excuse me, I do not understand. What did you say?” Robin asked, again.
“Ich verstehe nicht.”
This was bad. Not only they do not know where they were, they could not even speak the people’s language over there. This means they might not get a chance to explore.
“We’re doomed!” Larry thought, scared.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Tay!
I wanted to keep reading your story so I could find out what had happened to the boys next! And you managed not to disappoint. They are definitely on quite the adventure. And I liked how you slowly brought fourth the solution to their problem - how they tried different things out but only the most drastic one worked, and even then we weren't sure if it would completely. You showed us that they were able to work as a team when the time came for it, despite all their petty arguments. And as soon as this problem was solved you moved them into a new one straight away! Way to keep the characters on their toes and keep the story interesting ^^ I wonder how they are going to deal with this problem as well as being so far from their families.
I felt it a bit strange that would be arguing like that in their situation. It was like they weren't aware of what was happening around them at all! It would be more believable if they were shouting at each other, not with too much detail on movements unrelated to trying to control the boat, and still trying to fix their problem. Not all of their focus would be geared towards the shouting, although they would still be angry with each other in their way. It would just not be the main thing on their minds because the problem at hand would be the main thing that was taking up their focus. I felt like that was something worth mentioning.
Also, when Robin is in the water and trying to steer their way, he quickly gets exhausted. I don't understand why he didn't think of swapping and taking turns with Larry? Was there a reason that couldn't have happened? Larry does know how to swim, doesn't he? I thought they would have been smart enough to think of that alternative because they are older boys, thirteen and also in a terrible situation. They should know they need to share the brunt of the solution and that their energy levels should be as equal as possible. One person doesn't have to take the hardest part of the job while the other sits back and does nothing. That didn't seem right to me.
As well as that, when Robin is in the current it should be a bit more dangerous. If the current is as wild as you are making it out to be there are going to be some problems in that water. First of all he would be hitting and bumping into all sorts of things - and not all of them would be flat. Some would be sharp, and possibly cut him. There would be rocks and all sorts of things traveling quickly in the water, and fish as well. I feel like he should be feeling all those things, and it might even effect the way he swims. Does it disturb him? Does the slick skin of the fish put him off? Are the cuts burning under the rush of the rough waters, and as well as finding it hard to breathe does it hurt? I can sense some good scenes for description.
I also thought it was a bit odd that as soon as they washed up on the beach they immediately saw a city and thought that they were in another country. It might not be a city they recognize, but that doesn't mean they are in a foreign land! I know there are plenty of cities in my country I wouldn't be able to recognize from a first glance as well. I feel like they should have talked to someone and heard the different language before they determined that they were in a completely different country instead of on the other side of their own or something.
Time to go to the technical things!
I wondered what you meant with 'so did the boat'. The boat did what? Did the current pull them fast, so the boat moved with it? I was a bit confused as to where that unfinished sentence was going.
I think you mean 'left them out' instead, because there is more than one.
Ooh, you hit a pet peeve of mine. Make sure you have spaces after the ellipses, otherwise the two separate words count as one likethis instead of the two it should be. Which is not technically right. So it should look... a little something like that.
The 'on' in this sentence should really be 'about' instead.
Typo! *to
I don't think you need the thirst in this sentence. When you say starved to death, we already know what you mean. Starved kind of goes hand in hand with not having enough to drink as well. And it didn't technically make sense.
I feel like the 'when' should be replaced with the word until. That seems to fit there a bit more.
Remember to keep this in past tense seeing as everything else you have written is in that tense as well. So you mean 'the little beach they had discovered' instead.
As just mentioned, this needs to be kept in past tense. So 'means' can become 'meant'
All in all, I found this chapter to be an improvement from the last one! If you keep working hard and improving your writing like this I am sure you will be writing very well in no time
Deanie x
Thank you Deanie.
Deanie, how do you put the big rectangle, which shows a part of my work. The part where this ( " ) comes up. Then the little part of story comes out. How do you do that?
[ quote ] then whatever you want to say [/ quote ]
But without the spaces
[quotehello/quote]
Don't forget the end [] closing brackets before and after the words quote.
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review.
In the beginning when Larry is screaming you should put more feeling of why he is screaming. I know that it was for the currents but you should describe the currents more. Even mention why they were there. Where they were headed. I was also missing that attachment I get for characters. Not because they are bad characters but because you need to get inside there head more. Why is Larry so scared? Why did Robin decide to take Larry along? Just those little details.
Imagine yourself on those currents. Your frightened. Scared. Are you going to wait on your boat for a couple of hours, following the currents and drifting away. Or are you going to start fighting them right away. I personally think that them staying in the boat for a couple of hours doing nothing is a bit unrealistic.
You said the word 'boat' about seven times in this last paragraph. Try mix it up a bit.
I'll keep this short because I see you have had a really good review already. Despite those few mistakes this was pretty interesting.
Good job and keep writing!
FireBird99
FireBird99, how do you put the big rectangle, which shows a part of my work. The part where this ( " ) comes up. Then the little part of story comes out. How do you do that?
[quote*] (What you want to quote here) [/quote]
Now take out that star and it would do it. =)
Hellooo! How are you? xD
Your welcome =)
Hey there, here to review!
Wow, I must say that even though I understood where this was headed, there were some major parts that stood out for me.
You don't really need the comma, just put 'Don't say that'. Also, try not to used 'said', as it doesn't really show any emotion. Try using words like 'whimpered' or 'sobbed' to show how scared he was feeling.
Woah woah woah, this is really repetitive. Especially when you keep switching between the two of them. It's like a pattern here! You could simply place whatever thoughts they have into one sentence, without the inverted commas because they don't actually say it out loud here.
Example: This is bad, I'm getting dizzy, Robin thought.
Hmm...I don't really think quotes would just start randomly popping into their heads while they were so scared. Neither would figures.
I'll try and rephrase it for you: They started to imagine all sorts of bad things that could happen to them, and got even more frightened.
Okay, for that part where Robin tried to jump into the water to steer the boat, it was really weird and just hard to understand. First off, the current was so strong, there was no way he would have been able to swim properly, secondly given that he's only a teenager, I doubt he would have enough strength in his legs to kick the boat out of a ocean current. Maybe make the plot such that they fell asleep in the boat and woke up to find themselves on the shore of some island? That would be much more realistic.
Lastly, describe the island! Did it have seashells all around the beach or palm trees growing everywhere? Was the town full of people buying and selling things? Tell the reader more about how the place looks so we can imagine it for ourselves, and it makes the story come to life!
I like ending though, it's a single thought expressed that really lets the reader wonder how they're going to survive in a foreign land where they only speak German. Hope to see more adventures of Robin Brawl!
Hope my review helped!
Thank you, I had only 10-20 minutes to do this, so yeah. Sorry for the mistakes.
Lycando, how do you put the big rectangle, which shows a part of my work. The part where this ( " ) comes up. Then the little part of story comes out. How do you do that?
It's done using
Ugh that came out wrong, it's (quote) (/quote), but replace the ( ) with [ ]