E - Everyone

The Adventures of Robin Brawl: Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1: Hard Wish

“I heard people could climb up Mount Everest,” said Johnny. “Really? No way!” Robin Brawl answered. “Robin, you’re silly. How many times have I told you that everything is possible. Use a bit of your senses Robin. Nowadays, we have all the technology needed to do almost anything we want,” Johnny told Robin. Robin certainly did not believe him one bit. Though, he started to think it was true.

Johnny sighed. Robin was a good friend of his. They would play together. They would solve difficult questions together. The only problem is, Robin did not trust his facts. And Johnny would not go on any adventures with Robin as he is scared to hurt himself.

As for Robin, he was rather an adventurous boy. He would loved to go jungle hiking and vine climbing, daring to overcome hundreds of challenges. He joined many school expeditions but none of them were that extreme. They were taken care of all the while, and that was exactly what Robin did not want. He wanted to go wild, and make his own fortress in the deep, deep woods, where it was dark cold and scary. He wanted to explore all around the woods. He wanted to cook animal's meat and wear animal's skin. Sadly, his dream did not come true. However, his hope to do it has not given up yet. He knew that one day, he would go on an adventure far, far away and make history in his own heart and mind.

"No matter, I would just go home now," Robin said to himself. It was dismissal time and he was the only one in class. Johnny had went home way earlier than Robin. He was about to go to Canada for two months. So, he went to pack up.

“Mum, I’m home,” Robin called out. He had just come back from school that afternoon after cycling more than half an hour. Robin parked his bike at the corner of the garage. Then he went in to eat. The smell of cooked bacon and fried eggs reached his nose at once. Robin heard the eggs sizzle as Mrs. Brawl put some fried eggs on his plate. He went to the dining area and smelt the food with a sniff. “Robin, eat quick. We’ll go to the library next,” Robin’s Mother, Mrs. Brawl said. Robin took some of the fried egg and sliced a bit of the bacon. Then, he saw some peeled potato. He took a bit of that too. Soon, his stomach was full.

“All done. Now, to the library,” Robin said, smiling. Robin got into his Mother’s car, where she was waiting. “Quickly now. I can’t wait here all day. We’ve got to return a few books we borrowed a week ago,” she said. They drove to the library. Robin looked out the window and saw mountains and hills all around. “Mum, is there anyone who actually overcome challenges like climbing up mountains and staying there, or living on a stranded island?” Robin asked. “Why, yes. It is quite fascinating how they do it. People say they have unique talents in order to do it,” she replied.

They reached the library. Mrs. Brawl returned the books to the librarian. “Thank you, Mrs. Brawl. You returned these books right on time,” the librarian said, smiling at her. Then, Mrs. Brawl and Robin sat down at a table together. Robin started thinking about the people who were able to do things he thought were impossible. He started to wish hard that he could have his own adventure. He would learn a lot.

Robin started to look for books about adventures. He found loads. And the more he read, the more he felt like going on one. His wish was getting stronger and stronger. “I can’t hold this back anymore. I must, simply must go for a big adventure of my own. Nothing will stop me. I will start Saturday, two days from today,” Robin thought in his mind. He had a strong heart to go.

Later in the evening, Robin told Larry about his idea. Larry was Robin’s opposite neighbour and Larry was a good friend of Robin’s. “Yeah. You might learn a lot! Oh, can I come with you? Pretty please?” Larry asked. There was a little pause. Robin thought hard. “Alright. you can come,” Robin answered. Larry was so excited that he immediately ran home and started packing.

“Wow, wow! Larry! What’s the rush?” Mr Thomas, Larry’s Father asked. “Oh nothing,” Larry answered, grinning. “I’m just excited. I don’t really know why but I am excited.”

Larry’s Father knew that Larry was up to something. But he did not exactly know what. So, he did not mind. But at Robin’s was different. Robin was not packing or planning one bit. He knew when to pack and what to pack. He was only worried because he wanted to go to sea first, and he would need boat for that.

“I’ll worry about that tomorrow. I’ll just make a boat myself with the help of Larry’s,” Robin thought. It would not be easy but it  would not be too difficult as well.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Kortez
Review
Kortez wrote a review · Thu Jan 08, 2015 3:12 pm

Hello, Tay~! <3
Well. This story is a pretty good start, I must say. ;) Though there are a few teensy tiny problems that I encountered while reading this. ^u^
1. Just like "Bally the Talking Dog", you need to start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks, though if it's like this:
"Hi, Mum!" Joe happily exclaimed, entering the house. Joe plopped down on the couch and ate some potato chips. "Mmm, these are good!" he exclaimed.
That's okay (if the same character is talking twice. ;) ).

2. I saw a few needed commas and periods. ^w^ (just a few; don't worry!)
Like, "Mr Thomas, Larry's Father asked."
That might've been a mere typo, but just put a period after Mr, okay? :3 (Mr.)

3. Oh, and also with that sentence, you shouldn't capitalize "father". Only if it's in dialogue you capitalize "Mother, Mum, Mommy, Dad, Daddy, Father, etc.". <3

4. Also, slow it down just a tad. Because from the library to Larry's house seems extremely straightforward, but that just be me. (Ignore me XD)

It's a great start to what seems to be a great adventure. :D

Have a wonderful day, and stay awesome! <3

~Kortez <3

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Mon Jan 05, 2015 3:39 pm

Hi Tay!

Here as I promised I would be! I will look at the second chapter after I have finished reviewing this one as well. I really liked how you introduced all three boys. Because of the way you started with Johnny and not Larry it made me think he would be the one who was the main character at first but it looks like it will actually be Robb and Larry. We might have to see. But for some reason I think all three of them are important. Anyways, this was a good beginning chapter, you've introduced us to the characters and I am looking forward to seeing what they will be doing!

Thy would solve difficult questions together.


Here's just a little typo. I think you meant for the first word to actually be they.

Robin did not trust his facts. And Johnny would not go on any adventures with Robin as he is scared to hurt himself.


I felt like the reasons behind this should've been explained once you said it. Why did Robin not trust his facts even if there are friends? Maybe there could be an example of a time he lied and then they ended up in trouble because of it, in flashback mode because then we can get to see a bit more about the characters. As well as that I wanted to know why Johnny wouldn't trust Robin to keep him safe. Were there times when the other friend compromised his safety? It would be good to hear about that in there as well.

Sadly, his dream did not come true.


I am not sure what the ages of these boys are but they sound pretty young... like they have plenty of time for their dreams to come true still. Maybe you should give a reason as to why it hasn't come true yet. School ties, family ties or is he just too young still?

I wanted to know why Johnny was going to Canada? To see family? Is it now summer time holiday for the kids? Then you need to mention this, otherwise it sounds a bit weird for them all to be going away in the middle of the school year.

Another thing that I wanted to see a bit more of would be the setting in this chapter. I can't really visualize what the school looks like, or what either of the two houses do either. When you have a house, explaining the inside and the layout of everything can really tell us a lot more about what the people who live inside it are like. It's almost like a reflection of their personalities. So that's why setting can be so important and I think you should really try to include it a bit more! Especially when we are in Larry and Robb's houses.

I also wanted some more description of physical appearances. I found it hard to think of what any of the mothers or the boys looked like at all. With descriptions the characters can come to life some more. So in general I think what I am trying to say is slow down and give yourself time to describe everything as much as you possibly can. We don't need to rush the story.

Also, try not to fall into the stereotype of the mothers doing everything. Remember, kids have both a father and mother. Maybe the dads aren't home from work yet, but plenty of mothers work as well. Make sure the dads are in the picture otherwise it just seems a bit... I don't know, insulting? to have the mothers doing everything and filling the same cliché that they usually do.

Johnny had went home way earlier than Robin.


You either need to have this as 'Johnny went' or 'Johnny had gone.'

that afternoon after cycling more than half an hour.


You're missing the word 'for' after the word cycling.

I don't think there is much more feedback I could give you that hasn't already been mentioned! I am off to read the next chapter and will hopefully get to it as soon as I can!

Deanie x

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yakitsa
Review
yakitsa wrote a review · Mon Jan 05, 2015 9:39 am

Hey Tay! *giggles* The rhyme was totally unintentional! ;)

Okay, you've got a good idea here, it's simple, fun and easy to understand. In general sense, it's pretty good, but you've made a few grammatical mistakes that need correcting!

First, your dialogue. Normally, when a another person starts speaking, you indicate this by starting from a new line. It's basically like this -

"Blah." said 1st person.
"Blah? Blah, blah." said 2nd person.
"Blah. Bleh, blah, blah." replied 1st person.


Get my point? You could make that correction. :)

The only problem is, Robin did not trust his facts. And Johnny would not go on any adventures with Robin as he is scared to hurt himself.


Since the rest of your story is in past tense, even this sentence should be! All the 'is's in this sentence should be replaced with 'was' and all the 'did's with 'would'.

“I heard people could climb up Mount Everest,”


See how you've ended Johnny's sentence with a comma? That would be more correct as a fullstop/period. A comma indicates a pause in speech, whereas a fullstop/period indicates the end of a sentence. You've repeated this mistake a few times in the story, I'm not going to point out all of them. Just check it once.

I found it strange that Robin was the adventurous one, and yet thought that climbing mountains was strange, It seems like you've gotten the characters' personalities mixed up.

"No matter, I would just go home now," Robin said to himself. It was dismissal time and he was the only one in class. Johnny had went home way earlier than Robin.


'I would just go home' will be more correct as 'I will just go home'.

You've missed a few commas here and there, so you could check that up! :D

You've capitalized words like 'father' and 'mother'. That isn't required, since these are common nouns, and not proper nouns.

He was only worried because he wanted to go to sea first, and he would need boat for that.


You need to add 'the' before sea. We normally add articles before common nouns.

“I’ll worry about that tomorrow. I’ll just make a boat myself with the help of Larry’s,” Robin thought.


'With the help of Larry's.' is a bit grammatically wrong. Either you write it as 'with Larry's help.' OR 'with the help of Larry.'

That's about it! I look forward to the next chapter!

Haha! Alright, thanks but I think you have got a little mistake in your review. Apparently commas DO appear before the end of each speech mark, then followed by a full stop at the END of the entire sentence.

"Hello," said Pip.
"I hate you," said Bets.
"Bye-bye," said Fatty.

A bit of strange speech but you should get it. We only put full stops in a speech or at the end of a speech that was followed by another speech by the same person of the speech. ( Don't get confused with the word 'speech'. See the example below. )

"Well, well, what do we have here? It's some old messy newspapers," Frederick sighed, looking at his bedroom. "Something must be done."

Well that's done. Thanks for the other tips though. :)

(Followed you)

YastikaReads, how do you put the big rectangle, which shows a part of my work. The part where this ( " ) comes up. Then the little part of story comes out. How do you do that?

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HasanFaiaz Comment

I am reviewing your story as a reader,just to express my feelings,not more than that.I have read your whole story.Obviously,it is good.But there are some points you should think over as well.For example,the thirst for adventure of Robin and Larry could be expressed in a brief manner.Because,it was the theme of the story.The story would be much better if you could describe the unbound imagination of Robin and Larry.
No more to say.I expect that next time we will get more beautiful stories from you.

Oh alright! Thanks.



The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree