Her lips were blossomed
With flowers of fire,
And butterflies of my breath
Dived for their nectar!
.
.
.
Now, in the company of loneliness,
While dwelling in dizzy memories,
I asked myself
"What was it???"
A kiss with care?
Reflexes of romance?
Or perhaps,
Just passion for pleasure?
And suddenly,
Breeze whispered in my ears
"Let some questions be unanswered,
For now & Forever!!!"
- Suraikhey Suraj
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi! I love the tone of this poem! Your imagery is absolutely stunning too. Everything about it in general was beautiful. However, on a technical level, I had a few issues. I personally think you could've made this at least three stanzas. Like cut off at "Just a passion for pleasure?" and make, "And suddenly,
Breeze whispered in my ears
"Let some questions be unanswered,
For now & Forever!!!" "
the last stanza. I feel like that would make everything flow steadier. Another thing is that you were having some punctuation errors like after ears there should be a comma to show you're about to have quotations. Same thing with after myself. But even without all of that, this was a very lovely poem. I can't wait to see more from you!
~Avery <3
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes dear! I promise you that I will keep those mistakes in mind and will never repeat them. Thank you very much
Hello,
I liked your other poem "Saga of Love" and I also like this one! The major difference I see is in the tone. In this one, the character seems to be dwelling on this with more wonder... and the other one was more serious in terms of defining love. I like this change that you made! This poem shows more of the character's feelings.
The one thing I want to point out is the excess exclamation and question marks. I dont think using a bunch is necessary... because... I dont know how to say this... but using too much punctuation like that kind of makes this character sound like a child. I dont know if that makes sense, but this is my opinion.
Overall, really great job on the idea of the poem!
Keep Writing
Thanks dear! I will keep that in mind! Thanks for passing by
Heyo, I’m back! I liked this poem a bit better than the last one, because of the dark-ish turn, and it ended better in my opinion. One small critique I have is that you said the breeze whispered in your ears and then you used exclamation marks XD. Not a huge deal, it just kind of contradicted. I don’t really have many other critiques so I’ll share what I liked about the poem:
I liked how you asked questions, and your descriptions. My favorite part was:
“Now, in the company of loneliness,
While dwelling in dizzy memories,
I asked myself,
“What was it???”
It showed a different side to yourself, and that as time changes, so does your mindset. Like in your other poem “Saga of love” it was about feeling and defining love in its simplest form. But in this poem, you question what love really is. I like that aspect :3
I also liked your metaphors and the personification of the breeze. You should be proud of dis!
Overall, this poem was better in my own opinion. Keep writing!
-Alice
Thanks Alice! I will keep your suggestion in mind. Thanks for granting my request.