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The Tale of Broken Sea

by SuraikheySuraj


Without haste, gale is singing

The faint verse of breeze;

Fire is getting colder and colder

With grit, ready to freeze

Bowing to Mother Earth

That is the shiniest star;

This is the edge of era of Satan

Now the happy-end isn't that far

Fangs of most poisonous snake

Are removed for permanent;

Though feathers of prettiest bird

Are scattered in fastest current

There is an obligate ray

In every jot of extinct pebble;

Collection is an open choice

Though, for it, there is no medal

And this is the hint of Nature

Bold claim of young inception;

Life is chance of being Immortal

For Great, Death is a Misconception

              - Suraikhey Suraj


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5 Reviews


Points: 518
Reviews: 5

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Sat Jan 19, 2019 6:24 am
mechasvi969 wrote a review...



I would love to enlist all the aspects in this poem line by line. For the first line , the contrast between the capabilities and present scenario of powerful gale is marvelous.My suggestion will be to use whispering instead of singing.Again in third line you amused me with contrast.The willingness of fire to accept this versatile change in line four, reminds me of the major revolutionary movements that took place all over the world.In sixth line instead of shiniest I would suggest glorious so that the overall impact is at its best.Seventh line was the key point that I used to relate to the first and third line.In eleventh and twelfth lines I was reminded that the hard work we do to achieve something extraordinary always has its toll.The next two lines also reminded me of the good time we get in reward for that hard work.I would suggest 'always'in between 'is' and 'an' in thirteenth line.Last two lines are the one which I loved the most.It conveys the most deep and thoughtful message to all.Overall I loved the poem.






Thanks for your suggestions Mechaswi. Your suggestions will definitely help this poem to improve.



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479 Reviews


Points: 4157
Reviews: 479

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Fri Jan 18, 2019 3:20 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm here with the review you requested!

You have some interesting imagery in here- and I like how you have a lot of definite lines, like statements. Sometimes it's hard to find poetry that really is bold rather than timid.

Without haste, gale is singing


So at first I thought you were talking about a person named Gale, and I was a little confused. I don't really usually like names in poetry myself- but that's just my opinion. But then, towards the end of the piece I realised that perhaps you meant gale as in, the wind? Since the next line talks about a breeze. But I feel like "gale" and "breeze" don't really fit together when describing the same temperament of wind, because a breeze is typically gentle and passive, and a gale is a very strong, perhaps even violent wind-- at least, that's my understanding of that word. But if it is a wind that's being talked about, I think there needs to be something added because it makes it sound like it's saying "so-en-so is singing" rather than "the wind is singing". I think the easiest solution for this is simply adding a "the" before "gale" so that it reads "The gale is singing"... if that makes sense. On the other hand, if "gale" IS referring to a person, I feel like there needs to be more reference to him/her/they throughout the poem, because otherwise we wonder why that person was mentioned in the first place. :D

Fire is getting colder and colder

With grit, ready to freeze


These lines read a little oddly because fire doesn't get colder, and it certainly doesn't freeze. Fire itself is always hot- the absence of fire would be what's making things cold. So less fire can make a room not as warm as if there were a bigger fire, but the fire itself would still be hot- it's just not big enough to heat the room. If that makes sense. It's just a matter of wording here c: You could say something like "the fire is dying" or something else along those lines, and it might help things out.

This is the edge of era of Satan


For some reason "edge of era" made this line a bit of a tongue twister for me! I'm not sure how you can say it differently that will make it easier, but I do believe in poetry that you want people to read through your lines smoothly. One thing that can really help you tell if a line is running smoothly or not, is simply by reading it out loud! Reading your writing out loud can also help with a whole host of other things as well. c:

So something else I noticed about this poem, was that there wasn't really a main theme, or clear sort of (this is the wrong word, but the closest thing I can think of) story-line. I couldn't really tell what the poem was about because new images that didn't really connect to the rest would come up and I just wasn't sure what it was all trying to tell me. For example, the line "that is the shiniest star" is followed by: "This is the edge of era of satan". And we're not really given any clues as to why those two things are connected/in the same poem as each other- or why something so positive would lead into something so negative. But that's just my thoughts! :D

In any case, I hope this was somewhat helpful! Keep it up! C:

-Holysocks






Thanks for your review... My mothertongue is Marathi, and in Marathi, the special form of poem known as contradiction is famous. The same I was experimenting in English poetry. But your suggestion makes sense. I would study your suggestions. :)




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield