*|| Shadow of the Sun ||*
In the search of shadow of the Sun
I dived into a broken ocean,
Flew across the shattered sky,
And climbed the melting mountains,
But I didn't gave up...
I didn't gave up hope;
And searched for it again and again,
And while doing so,
I became Brand Ambassador of Craziness...
I was hurt and started fading into nothingness,
That's where I met starless night,
Who whispered in my ear,
“There are some who worship me,
Some who fear me to death,
But some of them loathe me too!
Does it make any difference?"
So I resurrected my form,
And restarted to chase my ambition,
Which was
To find the shadow of the Sun
Someone informed the Sun
About my dreams and goals
He was amused,
And send the breathing storm to fetch me
Next moment, I was standing front of the Sun himself.
He studied for a minute and said,
"No-one has endangered himself
In broken ocean, shattered sky or melting mountains,
Yet you have done it.
Why do you think that you can find my shadow?"
"Because Destiny doesn't exist,
A fire can freeze
And the Eternity is not eternal herself"
I answered
He studied me again for a moment
And smiled,
"You are right, but you see,
I don't have any shadow!
However, I can have one,
If you do create it."
I was glad to hear it!
- Suraikhey Suraj
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi! I'm here to review your poem.
As far as I can see, the whole point is awesome. I mean, the whole thing of chasing your dream.... It's really cool.
I think that the thing that is missing is the sense of rythm; the words don't rhyme. You don't have to nessecarily rhyme, but I don't know, I guess I like rythm in the words. Like I said before, you don't have to rhyme it. It's just my view.
Anyways, the poem is awesome! I haven't read such raw talent for a long time. Thanks for writing it, I really enjoyed it.
Your admirer,
Yasir3537
Thank you very much dear
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you. I will try to not take up to much of your time.
Okay let's get done to the review.
So as I was reading I saw one thing that I just wanted to point out.
Okay so the two words in bold I think you might have wanted to say give, in stead of gave. If not then you don't need to chance it. I just thought it sounded a little strange that you said gave. But that could just be me. But if you did want to say gave then you could say this.
There is another choice.
Okay now onto the fun part of the review.
The first thing I likes was the name to your poem, I thought it was rather catchy, and it would hold a good story behind it, and that brings me to the next thing, Your poem was really well written and it was like you were telling me a story through the words, so great job.
I also like the length of the poem, I don't normally get to see nice long poems, so I really liked reading this one.
I really liked the flow to this poem, I think you put all the commas, and full stops and stuff all in the right places.
Over all I think you did an amazing job with this poem, and I look forward to seeing more from you, I hope i will get to see more of your works out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thank you very much. You actually pointed out my grammatical error of using past tense. Thanks for that. It's great to have you around (virtually, of course) while writing
I'm glad I could help you out in some way, that is what I'm trying to do anyway.
I hope I will get to review more of your works soon.