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The Saga of Love

by SuraikheySuraj


Her lips were blossomed

With flowers of fire

And butterflies of my breath

Dived for their nectar

.

It was not just

A kiss with care,

Reflexes of romance

Or

Passion for pleasure

.

Far beyond that

.

It was an act of union

Of two minds & two hearts

Of two lives & two souls

With purity of Love

     - Suraikhey Suraj


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64 Reviews


Points: 733
Reviews: 64

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Tue Apr 23, 2019 1:13 am
Aliceinhorrorland wrote a review...



Hello, I’m here to review your work! I like seeing different people do poems to define love because they always turn out so different from each other, which I find interesting. I liked how you used imagery and descriptions to bring the poem to life. I only have a few critiques, one of them is that you didn’t end (most) of your sentences with punctuation or commas. Idk how to explain so I will just put an example:
The first few lines should look something like this:

“Her lips were blossomed,
With flowers of fire,
And butterflies of my breath,
Dived for their nectar.”
(Look at the commas and punctuation :3)

It’s not a big thing, it just allows the poem to flow a little bit better. My last critique is that I, in my opinion, feel like you could’ve ended that a lot stronger. (Of course I’m not exactly the poem expert myself!) I just think that this is such an awesome poem and I really liked it but at the end I didn’t really have anything to like think about. Sorry if my critiques don’t make sense, or if I sounded picky.

Anywayssss~ This was actually a really nice poem and you seem to be good at them, so I hope you write more :3 (and I’m not just saying that)
You don’t have to listen to my critique at all, it’s just my personal thoughts and opinions on your poem! My favorite stanza was the first one, I liked the symbolism. Welp bye!

- Alice






Thank You very much Alice. You are absolutely right about punctuation marks and, yes, many people have complained me about last stanza of this poem. Meanwhile, I broke up with my girlfriend, which made me to rewrite this poem with new background. You can find it with the title, "Unanswered Questions". If possible, kindly give it a review and let me if I have improved or worsened the poem:).
Your Sincerely,
Suraikhey Suraj





Thank You very much Alice. You are absolutely right about punctuation marks and, yes, many people have complained me about last stanza of this poem. Meanwhile, I broke up with my girlfriend, which made me to rewrite this poem with new background. You can find it with the title, "Unanswered Questions". If possible, kindly give it a review and let me if I have improved or worsened the poem:).
Your Sincerely,
Suraikhey Suraj





Thank You very much Alice. You are absolutely right about punctuation marks and, yes, many people have complained me about last stanza of this poem. Meanwhile, I broke up with my girlfriend, which made me to rewrite this poem with new background. You can find it with the title, "Unanswered Questions". If possible, kindly give it a review and let me if I have improved or worsened the poem:).
Your Sincerely,
Suraikhey Suraj





Thank You very much Alice. You are absolutely right about punctuation marks and, yes, many people have complained me about last stanza of this poem. Meanwhile, I broke up with my girlfriend, which made me to rewrite this poem with new background. You can find it with the title, "Unanswered Questions". If possible, kindly give it a review and let me if I have improved or worsened the poem:).
Your Sincerely,
Suraikhey Suraj



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1064 Reviews


Points: 34895
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Fri Apr 19, 2019 2:29 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

This is such a lovely poem, and it has such a strong beginning. The intro stanza is so beautiful with such powerful imagery. It was beautifully constructed. The entire theme just flowed so well together. You did a great job with making this idea come alive.

The first stanza is definitely my favorite. There's a slight structure suggestion I will make, but it's most likely just personal preference. The stanza repeats the structure "___ of ___" twice, back to back. I'd suggest changing maybe "flowers of fire" to slightly different wording that's equally powerful, like "flaming flowers" or such. There are plenty of synonyms to investigate.

Alliteration makes me squeal with delight. I love alliteration. I should just sit down and write tongue twisters one day. That would be sooo much fun.

"Far beyond that" could probably be removed. I don't really think it adds anything. I find my brain just skipping it every time I reread this now.

Interesting choice to use the ampersand in the last stanza instead of just writing out "and"! I like what you're doing here with this stanza. There's an "of" overload that doesn't really work for me, and then it's not even a repetition of 3. There's "of ___ & ___" twice and then the third line is "with ___ of ___" and while I lovelovelove the parallelism, I think the last sentence could end a bit stronger.

That isn't to say, though, that this is an awful stanza. Because I love it. Like I said before, this entire piece just flowed very nicely, tied all of these ideas together, and created a beautiful, powerful image of passion. It was wonderful. Keep up the great work!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!






I am really grateful for your attention and the time you decided to invest in this piece of work. You are right, there is, indeed, repeating of "of" which is little bit irritating! Yes, I could have used "flaming flowers" but I wanted to mark the element. I couldn't think of other synonyms. But I some other ofs can be removed, bringing more colours to the poem.

Thanks once again. I will definitely work on suggestions you gave %u2764





I am really grateful for your attention and the time you decided to invest in this piece of work. You are right, there is, indeed, repeating of "of" which is little bit irritating! Yes, I could have used "flaming flowers" but I wanted to mark the element. I couldn't think of other synonyms. But I some other ofs can be removed, bringing more colours to the poem.

Thanks once again. I will definitely work on suggestions you gave %u2764





I am really grateful for your attention and the time you decided to invest in this piece of work. You are right, there is, indeed, repeating of "of" which is little bit irritating! Yes, I could have used "flaming flowers" but I wanted to mark the element. I couldn't think of other synonyms. But I some other ofs can be removed, bringing more colours to the poem.

Thanks once again. I will definitely work on suggestions you gave %u2764



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Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:25 pm
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I really like this poem! Though it's short, each line was well-written with great metaphors. The lines also flow very smoothly to the next, so it's easy for us to read through and interpret. I especially like the last stanza, showing how this love is an act of coming together as one.

I dont really think there's any errors in this poem... so really well done! I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing :)






Thank You very much. Thousands of poets and writers have already tried to define love. I am just a dot in an ocean. But being part of an ocean makes us feel great, isn't it?



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Thu Apr 18, 2019 8:25 pm
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LauraJuliane says...



Beautiful poem. I like that the sentences are short but expressive - it is simple to read, and the reader still gets a full understanding of what you're trying to tell. The poem portraits pure love. It makes me want to fall deeply in love with someone I can share a kiss or two with. Outstanding!






I am happy to see that my words reached your heart. That is really encouraging me to write more!




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