I remember what I used to think of you
You with your sparkling brown eyes
You with your radiant smile
You with your boisterous laugh
I thought you were a masterpiece
I didn't think you were perfect
No, far from it
But I liked you in all your wonderful glory
Sometimes I even think I loved you
You always made my heart skip a beat
I always got butterflies in your presence
You made me so nervous and so so confused
I remember that time you put your hand on my thigh
My hands started sweating and it felt impossible to breathe
I remember that time you tried to do a split and fell flat on your butt
I rushed to help you up, wanting to hold your hand
I remember you singing quietly to yourself a funny song
I asked what you were doing, you said "being me"
Those were the good times, times when I was confused but happy
Now I'm just confused and sad but I wouldn't change a thing
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138,055 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey, Sunny! I'm here for a quick review.
I really thought this poem was sweet but I felt like it could use some improvement. Firstly, I think you should add stanzas and punctuation. Your poem isn't very clear at the moment and it can be really hard to admire a poem when it's all one big block of text. Another thing is, I think you should add imagery and metaphors. The poem is tad generic at the moment but I know you can make it better by adding your own creative thoughts to it.
Anyway, hope this helped!
marmalade
Thank you!!
This is Kaos here for a review!
Quick note before I start, you said that you were sorry that it didn't rhyme, but poetry definitely doesn't have to. Not all poetry is rhyming poetry and it shouldn't be all rhyming poetry and rather it would have held the poem down if you did because that wasn't really your intent it seems.
The start of the poem is repetitive and I suggest drawing out the characteristics to the reader or changing the "you"s so that it isn't the only thing starting the lines. I think that repetitiveness works when you have something that is new or something with a new perspective in each line if you decide to repeat the same first or first few words, but that doesn't really happen here because you're just describing the person that the poem is being written to.
This part of the poem feels weak to me in terms of imagery. Try and paint a picture for the readers, use metaphors and figurative language instead of being so blunt with what you're trying to say. I don't think things in poetry should be this straightforward and rather you could add something to it. Go into more detail instead of being so broad with your words. Words like "wonderful glory" could mean different things to you than they do to someone else, so explain it more. I won't believe that you truly admired this person until you show me that you did.
You had the third line in this stanza, but you didn't do anything to expand on it. You used the expression of having butterflies but didn't transform it into something else or any strong imagery which is what you could have done. The repetitiveness of you starting the lines the same way gets tiring, so do it differently than this. The "so so" in the fourth line feels a little unneeded.
Another small note, which I don't know if this was intended or not but there isn't any stanzas in this poem and if you want to, you should put a "~" in between stanzas so people know the structure of the poem better.
All of this tends to be awkward, which I don't mind, but it almost seems sincere and if you're going to leave this kind of thing in the poem, I suggest you kind of make the last two lines more comedic?
Which goes on to where I thought this didn't have any direction. The poem isn't really linear and often jumps from place to place it feels, and it didn't really feel whole, instead it felt like bits and pieces of a poem.
The ending didn't really have anything to it. You say that in the end of the poem that you're "confused" and was "happy" and are now "sad" but you don't try and express these emotions into any sort of imagery. Don't expect us to know your version of sadness or happiness, you have to tell the readers that. You have to //show// the reader that.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Hi Sunnysmiles (love your name), Rose here to give a review for you!
Warning: I am not the best at reviews but I will try
First off I want to be positive and say I love the concept of this poem. I could feel how the narrator felt because I have experienced and felt the same way before. Romance is a wonderful and confusing thing and love is such a weird feeling that twists us all up.
Now for little things you could tinker up in this lovely poem!
First of all, dividing the poem in different parts (stanzas) would be really helpful; not just for the writer, but for the reader and reviewer. It would make it easier to break it down and change moods if needed.
Next, grammar! I noticed how you just wrote each line. No commas, periods, or lower casing. This is very important! Use periods when ending a sentence/thought. Lower case and use commas when needed. You have to remember this is literature and it is important to put your grammar skills to the use! Using grammar would have made this poem 10x better.
Next, it is also important to not be too repetitive. You used the words "you" and "I" too much which makes the poem look less formal or deep. It drags on the poem and makes the reader tired of reading sometimes.
Lastly, word choice. The words in this poem was very simple and I feel as if there are much better words to use to describe the feelings and experiences. This also helps to not make the poem too boring for the reader and help you improve on your writing in the future.
Other than the tips I have given you above, I truly loved the idea and concept of this cute little poem. Hope you use these tips to your advantage! Have a good day. Keep up the work and never give up.
Thank you so much!! I will definitely keep that all in mind next time. I hope you're well