untitled

I'm not sure what you are struggling with, but I do enjoy how this is open to interpretation. This could not only be a struggle with family, but it could be with a darker side of yourself, with friends, or with a partner. I think that your poem definitely does a great job at showing how people who are caught in these situations actually feel so conflicted and torn two ways. There is a positive and a negative and you describe both very well. This is a great poem. The only thing I have to say is that you go from a abab rhyme scheme

"One day you are here

The next you are not

Your voice echos in my ears

Rings in my thoughts"

As you can see, lines one and three rhyme and 2 and 4 rhyme. In the next 4 lines, however, you switch to a aabb rhyme scheme, which for me was confusing to read.

"The next I can not breathe

All your terrible words slowly suffocate me

I try to will you away

Try to stop the things you say

I would suggest changing it to make all of the lines the same rhyme scheme, or you could always ignore everything I said.

[maruqee] King Here[/marquee]


Hello there and welcome in YWS!
I hope you have fun here. I will try to help you even if several people already had done that for you. The punctuation is the thing that bothers me and I think of editing this whole thing so there are no questions or confusing. I think that is okay?
I hope I help you and you have a good day/night. I am sure you will find many lovely and friendly people here so I think you need to stay and find the thing you wish to do. Edit, review or post your own works. Whatever you choose, we are glad to have you here.

One day you are here,

the next you are not,

your voice echos in my ears.

Rings in my thoughts,

one day I am fine,

the next I can not breathe,

all your terrible words slowly suffocate me,

I try to will you away.

Try to stop the things you say,

maybe I can for a while.

But you'll always return with an evil smile,

I'm worried, I'm terrified

that one day I won't be able to put up a fight

Hello there! What a wonderful day for a review!
Even though this won't be a review... because I only have one thing to say.
Punctuation. You will NEVER hear me stress punctuation in poetry, but I firmly believe some well placed punctuation in this piece will greatly enhance it.
That is really it. I love the poem, you are very talented. I hope you keep it and and write more.
That is all.
~Q

Hey Sunnysmiles!
This was a sad but beautiful poem. It really touched my heart and I can say that I have felt this many times too. Your title though should be capitalized. And the last line,

"That one day I won;t be able to put up a fight" won;t should be won't.

Those are the only mistakes I see. Other wise you did a fabulous job writing it. I would have to say my favorite line(s) were

"I try to will you away

Try to stop the things you say

maybe I can for a while

But you'll always return with an evil smile"

These really hit home for me cause I've felt like that before. Overall good job with this poem. Keep up the magnificent work and I am sorry you have to feel that way sometime. I hope to read more of your wok in the future!
AshleyDashley