In the light of it all,
I hear that dreary call.
Something screams my name
and nothing seems the same.
How must I know where to go?
The path I choose to follow
may only bring tomorrow.
So may God be with me
for tomorrow I'm destined to see,
everything I've had,
or everything I'm set out to be.
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137,490 Literary Works • 672,037 Reviews
Really cool piece...
Keep it up!!!
Hey, here for a review!!
I haven't done a review in suchhh a long time so forgive me if this doesn't make any sense.
My first impression of this poem was that it's fun and could definitely fit into a rhyming children's book. I like that whimsical feel to this poem's message, which may not be completely playful.
One thing right off the bat that I noticed and I will criticize is your rhyme scheme. It's not consistent enough to have a pattern that I can tell right off the bat and it just seems crazy all over the place. Your pattern starts off fine with the: AA,BB rhyme scheme then it kind of veers off into rhyming with the three lines (at least that's what it seems to me). And then, your last four lines rhyme: D,D,E,D. I'm not a big fan of that and I personally don't like rhyming, so maybe some tweaking with word choice and pattern could clear some things up.
Secondly, stanzas!!
These are important and I believe stanzas would accentuate your rhyme scheme.
An example could be
The stanzas help with grouping the rhyme and the concepts together and it also makes it more visibly appealing than a huge blob of words.
Well, that's really all I have for you, my other thoughts were touched on in the previous reviews as well. Overall, this poem is really good considering it's one of your very few posts (is it the first??) I like the message of it, it shines through the whimsical "cover-up" you provided. Best of luck on your upcoming works and I hope to see more of your writing!
Hey there summer! Tom again! Glad to see a new work of yours already
This is another short piece, but I think again it is well done.
My only main critique here is to separate most of the lines into two lines. I understand the drawn out lines, but they are each essentially two thoughts and they would work really well separated into two. Here's an example of what I mean:
"In the light of it all,
I hear that dreary call,
something screams my name,
but nothing seems the same.
How must I know where to go?
The path I choose to follow,
may only bring tomorrow.
So may God be with me,
for tomorrow I'm destined to see,
everything I've had,
or everything I'm set out to be"
Here I just split each line in half. I just wanted to visualize what I was talking about. I hope I'm not coming across as trying to write your poem for you; I'm just trying to point out a different arrangement. I think you did a really strong job of using a loose rhyming scheme here, so I think this format highlights that and makes it pop more.
I hope this comes as some help for the future! As usual, loved your work very much, and keep it up
-Tom
Hello, Sumerj12 and welcome to the Young Writer's Society! If you have any questions at the end of my review feel free to ask!
So, here I'm wondering what exactly "the same" would be then. Because "but" is supposed to show contradiction to the first part of the sentence. I believe you mean "and". I think that would solve the awkward way this is read, and clarify what you mean.
What this is essentially saying is "How should I know where to go?" Since "must" means: be obliged to; should. I'd just swap out "must" for "can"
The whole formatting I believe throws the poem off. If you end each stanza with the word you plan on rhyming with another at the end of another stanza, I believe that would fix the flow and meaning problems. Example:
So may God be with me.
For tomorrow I'm destined to see,
Everything I've had or
Everything I'm set out to be.
So overall I like the message. The doubt that fills the poem, and the hope for something better tomorrow. I think it was really good for a first post so keep it up, and I hope to read more from you in the future!