I fear for her for I see a fire growing in his eyes.
I don't want that, one with a fire building up, ready to burn every heart he touches.
I want him to be as steady as a current but as strong as the wind,
as deep as the ocean but as bright as her waves,
as vast as the surface but as compelling as her depths,
and as blue as the water but as colorful as the life inside.
I want you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,870 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
Hi Sumerj12! I'm Goldenfox101.
I like your writing style, but I felt as though I didn't get who "him" was. But other than that, it's a skillfully written poem that kept my mind captivated the who time. Keep writing!
-Goldenfox101
Hi, I'm Nymeria here for a review!
You have beautiful word choice and I really like the ideas of this poem. I love how the last line is so simple yet so telling. All of the comparisons are cool and pretty fluid.
I don't quite feel qualified to give much critique on the structure of poems, so I'll give some feedback on the actual words. The poem is a bit confusing because I have no idea who 'her' or 'him' are. I can tell that the narrator talking in 2nd person to a boy, telling him how he is exactly what they want him to be. That part is good. It's just the first two lines that throw me off.
You have a beautiful poem here, keep writing!
Thank you so very much for the compliments! And yes the 'him' and 'her' part is a bit confusing but I didn't want to just call them out, plus I think it leaves a little bit of mystery to it all. Anyway, thank you again!
Welcome to YWS! I'm new here, too.
This is a super poem. I like lines 4-5 best, but it's all great. I honestly can't say I have much criticism, besides this -
the beginning says 'I fear for HER'. The rest is simply what YOU want. Is that what it's supposed to be like?
Yes, I intended for it to be that way simply because I cannot say either of their names. But seeing how he treated her and their relationship inspired me to write this and also showed me what I really want, only in the end do I really understand this description matches a real person.
Hey there Sumerj12! I'm also new here, so welcome to YWS! Feel free to call me Tom. And thanks for the follow, I returned the favor
While this poem is very simplistic, I really enjoyed it as a whole. It's a very smooth read, and it has a great flow. Lines 3 through 6 are easily my favorite ones in the poem, and it's very clear you put a lot of thought and work into them.
"I want him to be as steady as a current but was strong as the wind" - I love this because steady doesn't always mean strong; it's often assumed that "steady" means a more subtle pace aimed at consistency. So adding in "strong as the wind" is a great way to contradict/complement it.
"as deep as the ocean but as bright as her waves" - This one is great because the deep ocean is obviously dark and ominous, but once again you contradict and compliment that with "as bright as her waves."
"as vast as the surface but as compelling as her depths" - This line is nice because you take the massive area of the ocean and again use it's depths as a compliment. A massive spanning ocean may not seem intriguing as it's mostly the same blue ocean, but we are yet to discover all that lies below.
"as blue as the water but as colorful as the life inside" - Out of all these line's I'm highlighting, this is my favorite! I think this is pretty genius: comparing the constant blue of the ocean to the many "colors" of life below the sea, and all its variations.
I do have to small critiques, however. The second line I find a bit out of place. The first line is very clear and easy to understand, and the second one is as well, but I don't think it quite goes hand in hand with the rest of the poem. You go from speaking of two others' relationship, then back to yourself, then back to using them to contradict/compliment themselves. I understand you using qualities of his that can be deemed negative but cancelling those doubts out with her qualities. But it's hard to understand if you're speaking about how you wish your significant other to be or how you wish him to treat her. I think clearing up that second line would help make it a bit more linear.
Secondly, I think the final line is too abrupt. It's simple and too the point, but the rest of the poem consists of metaphors and this is three lines. Perhaps reword or draw it out a bit, so the poem doesn't halt so suddenly after flowing so well.
Overall I loved this piece! A lot of thought clearly went into this, and the use of metaphors and the ocean really does your writing skills justice. Amazing work and I hope to see more of yours in the future!
-Tom
I will start off by saying thank you! I didn't know if people would really look into my poem. But you did and I must say I appreciate how well you read it, you caught every single thing I put out there and was afraid people wouldn't. On another note I can see what you mean about the second line, what I am saying here is that I don't want what she has (w/ respect towards her) and that he is only going to hurt her in the end. Then I begin to explain the things I do want, which leads us to the very end, 'I want you.', this is where I make the connection that this whole time I was speaking of an actual person. I also wanrted to grad the readers attention by letting them overthink their-selves and maybe just maybe such writings could be about them. The thing about this part is that I understand how this is very abrupt but I sorta wanted it that way, though if you think it doesn't fit well I would change it. I will still have trouble though, for this poem simply fell out of me I dare say and I might ask what you suggest I do. Other than that I must thank you again and ask if you will return to read more of my work when I post it.
-Sumer
I'm glad I picked up on all of that! I love seeing the inner workings of things. And I wouldn't worry too much about my critiques! I always make them seem worse than they are
your poem is wonderful as is, thank you for sharing it!
Hey There, Sumerj12!!
This is Eros here with a review for you!!
But before I start a review, I would first WELCOME you to YWS! This is a really helping site to improve our writing skills.
Writing is a gift we all have got. You also have it which I saw when I read this poem.
Now... Coming to the poem. The first word which came in my heart and mind when I clicked the title and this poem appeared before my eyes, was "SWEET!". For the poem is so small and yet...convey such a deep meaning hiding inside it.
The poem has many controversal lines. I should say the poem is full of controversies.
Like you say, you want him to be as vast as surface and at the same you want him to be as compelling as her depth.
Rest... I loved the style of how write...It is definitely simple as the words you used aren't difficult to understand.
I also loved the combination of adjectives you have used. The flow of this sweet little poem is also very great.
The title also... Suits the poem. The poem has got a romantic taste and feel. There is a rythm in your poem...An unseen and hidden rythm.
When I finioshed reading the poem, the word which escaped my lips, was" AWESOME"!!
I greatly enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing such wonderful works!
Have a nice day/night!
---Eros.
Much thanks to you Eros! And thank you for all of the support and compliments on my short little poem! Please come back in the future to read! Thank you again!
Yes, sure! I'll come back