Beautiful Girl

amazing stuff! For such a young age I wouldn't have thought that one would come up with such an amazing art. I can't think of such language for a 13-yr old kid. Keep on writing and I do hope that soon enough you will be a master!

Ok then, I noticed you were on the front page, so I decided to pop in for a review. Now, I like some of the ideas seen in this, but the mood wasn't right, it seemed... comical? Well, perhaps not to that extent, but when I read the description I was expecting something macabre, and this didn't seem as serious as I thought. I don't think the line

"no, no, no!" Is completely appropriate for a theme such as this.

However, I will admit I only really picked on that bit because I found very little else to fault. Although the rhythm wasn't particularly good, the vast majority of the rhymes worked perfectly. Another thing I liked was the bluntness, and the message that this poem delivers: be happy for the life that you have. I think there would be much more effect however if you used more descriptive words, thesauri are particularly helpful in such cases.

Now, onto spelling and grammatical errors:

I think a renegade 'o' moved as you were writing this because
"She is gone now, too a better place" and "But be happy for her though it is to late"
both have the incorrect spelling for 'too/to', but easy mistake to make.

And

"But they only heard, the day she would fall". I'm not sure you need a comma there, but I guess that's personal preference. Personally, I don't think it works, but it's clearly your decision.

So, in summary, I liked some aspects of this, and others I critiqued, so I think it was a good first piece of poetry, so well done.

If you need some help around YWS or another review, just send me a message.

Regards
DNX

<3.
I love it. A whole lot.
The poem is fluent and staccato at the same time, giving it a nice flow. It is really good, especially for someone new here. It describes the sadness of her life without it going all emo, and a happy ending for those with weaker stomachs. I half way agree with the others that you could have done different spacing, but I love it just the way it is.
Slight finger slip here:
"But be happy for her though it is to late",
it would be too and not to.
I LOVE the last stanza, because it gives a more realistic twist on it. Its almost like putting a folktale in it, like:
"Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it seem
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."
and yes, that is the AWESOMENESS OF THE HUNGER GAMES. If you want to look at the whole thing, its called "The Hanging Tree."
Anyways, giving something for the reader to look for is always good. Keep up the AWESOME work!!!!!

If you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism, I would like to offer some.

The rhyme is a bit like a stilted version of Poe's. The rhyme is simple, which is not always a bad thing, but it seems a bit forced. There are sections were it would have been better if you hadn't had a rhyme. Like in "How her life was bad and all" if you would have left off the "and all" it would have been a better line.

It also seems like it should be beaten and hurt instead of beat and hurt and grammatically it should also be "for you could see her standing at heaven's gate". No comma there. However, you could try enjambment to make your point.

It's a good subject though. Keep up the good work!

Hey there...
Well let me start by saying that you have come up wth a lovely piece here...it's mesmerising and shows the reality of our society... you've done a good job with the rhyming... Everything is good... It flows with rhythm and very gently... Though i agree with SamanthaSchumer...the spacing is good this way too but i, like her, feel it would sound better with a different pattern.. The change is not necessary..would just make it a stitch better..... But lovely!
Keep writing!
Harshita:)

Hello there <(^_^)>
First, I would like to point out that this is a beautiful poem! IT has a lost of emotion behind every line.
I would like to sugest something,,, I know how your poem is put into stanzas with two lines to each one, but I would like to say that you could change the spaceing.

How her life was bad and all
but they only heard,
the day she would fall.

I would also like to say that the line
"But she will always have a place in their head."
could be changed to
"But she will always have a place in their heads."
OR
"But she will always have a place right there in their heads."
Just some sugestions- I don't expect you to fallow through with them, of course.

Wow...This is a very emotional, compelling, sad, happy, scary, horrific, and bbeeaauuttiiffuull poem. It just radiates. I see nothing wrong with it. Your punctuation, spelling, format, and layout are superb. You tell a very compelling story. It is full pain, yet is happy. It overflows with sadness, but is countered with a beautiful light. It is so horrific, but is just beautiful. This is an amazing poem and you need to keep writing. Keep this inspiration.

Great job.

Rainn

I am seriously speechless.

I was getting all prepared to write a long review in detail to make for my absence on this site for the last year but...

Wow.

*like*

-DeadEnds