Young Writers Society

Hello, dear! Here to review

Bethlehem was very busy that one night
but Mary had one of her biggest frights
the baby was comming, but where would it be born
there was no room at the inn, so it had to be a barn.

Up until this point, I felt like this poem didn't even need reviewed. But I feel like you lost some momentum on this phrase, and it shows. You didn't know what to say maybe, or it might have been completely subconscious. Everything had been flowing so nicely, and this felt disjointed. Also, a few errors.

Wrapped in cloth, the baby laid in a manger
with his mother to protect him from any >danger<
now a group of shepherds where guarding their sheep,
none of them could hear event the slightest ofpeeps.

I would consider changing that 'a' to a 'the'. Sounds more important and it feels right.
After danger, it feels like something's been left off. Like you didn't finish a thought. Maybe it's the lack of punctuation, maybe the way the line is worded, but it feels off.
Is that where a were? Because the word 'where' doesn't really fit.

Then an angel came and told them about the savior,
they packed up without a notice of their sheep's behavior.
so they went to see the child
you can guess that each of them smiled.

You gotta work on punctuation, dear.

Finally a new star appeared,
a star that no one should fear.
Magi travled through the land >forld<
all to give Jesus myrrh, incense, and gold

Not sure what the word forld is?

Rejoice, for the king has come!
Celebrate the birth of your king!
He is a miracle above all miracles!
Rejoice, for the king has come

This feels really repetitive and a little weak too me. Maybe because it's a cliche line for Christmas songs/poems, so I've heard it before. The rest of your poem is so fantastic, don't do it harm by having a weak closing line.


I only edited half of your poem, because I can tell you're smart enough to figure out what to fix in the other lines. This was a really great poem, and I'm sorry I was so hard on you, because it's really good. But it could be better.

If you need anything, let me know!
Happy Holidays,
Sparkles

Hello there! I'm DragonGirl11 and I'll be reviewing your poem today

I like the poem, I really do. You tell the first part of the most beautiful story on earth (In my opinion, anyway) and your word choice is generally very good. However, your grammar and spelling needs quite a bit of work in places. Just because it's a poem doesn't mean we throw grammar out the window Unless that's the style of the poem, done for effect, but this one isn't like that. So, I'm going to go through, stanza by stanza, and help you fix up some of that. It's much nicer for a reader to read a poem with good grammar, because grammar helps the meaning of the words come out clearer. Marks in red are spelling mistakes, and should definitely be fixed. Changes in green are grammatical errors, and should probably be fixed, but my way is only one way. Suggestions in blue are about style - they help the rhythm or flow of the poem, in my opinion. You can take those if you want, or not, it's up to you.

Gabriel told her of God's plan
to give her a son that would command.
The righteous one has yet to come.
He said "Mary, you will have a son."

You had the whole thing here as one sentence and it didn't really make sense that way. I suggest you break it up a little bit.

Mary, O Mary did not understand
what could come of such a plan?

(try)

Mary, O Mary did not understand.
What could come of such a plan?

(OR)

Mary, O Mary did not understand
what could come of such a plan.

But faith made her realize
God would be with her at any proce price.

I really really like the first two lines, but you've got a statement and a question all together in one sentence and it's kind of confusing. Simple punctuation here can give these words two different meanings. I've given you two options here, depending on which you meant. After that, it's just a capital letter missed at the beginning of the next sentence, and the word price misspelled.

Mary was favored, as the angel said,
so let it be, as he had said.
Then God sent another
to give the news to the "father".

Other than a couple of missing periods and a comma for sentence structure, all I have to say about this one are my own opinions. Cutting out "as" seems to make more sense in that sentence, and improves the rhythm. Same thing with removing the comma in the next line. Now, I realize why you did it, but I had to look twice to figure out why there were quotations marks around "father".

Immanual Immanuel God with us
A God that is very worthy of your trust
Immanual Immanuel shall be his name
Shout it loud, go, proclaim!

Again, I really really really like this stanza, but you misspelled Immanuel - at least you were consistent with your misspelling, it shows you were paying attention. The second line was a bit long, cutting out very makes it flow much better.

Bethlehem was very busy that one night
but Mary had one of her biggest frights.
The baby was comming coming. , but w Where would it be born?
There was no room at the inn, so it had to be a barn.

This stanza is probably my least favourite in the poem. The rhythm is kind of off, and it's longer than the others. The word choice is not up to par with the rest of the poem, either. You can see my suggestions to remove the words "one" and "but", end the sentence after "coming" (simple spelling error there, no big deal), and some punctuation suggestions to make it easier to understand.

Wrapped in cloth, the baby laid lay in a manger
with his mother to protect him from any danger.
Now a group of shepherds where guarding their sheep,
none of them could hear event even the slightest peep.

I believe that "laid" should be "lay" there, but it's up to you if you want to change that, depending on what you meant in the first place. The whole stanza was in a single sentence again, so I just split that up for ease of understanding. In the last line, I corrected the spelling of "even", but I think it might help the rhythm if you cut the word out entirely.

Then an angel came and told them about the savior,
they packed up without a notice of their sheeps' behavior.
So they went to see the child,
you can guess that each of them smiled.

Not much I have to say about this one, it's pretty good already, except that it was in one long sentence again. I have here one way to split that up but there are many different ways. Other than that, "a" really shouldn't go in front of "notice", and "sheeps" should have an apostrophe to show possesion as you see there.

Finally a new star appeared
a star that no one should ever fear
magi travled through the land forld What is this word?
all to give Jesus myrrh, incense, and gold.

Ok, I put in "ever" here just because I think it fits the rhythm better, but that's really just me, you don't have to change it there if you don't want to. But, um, what word is "forld" supposed to be? Fold? (Land fold? that doesn't make much sense.) Forlorn? (Doesn't rhyme with gold.) World? (Land world? Oh, maybe meant to substitute world in there instead of land. That would make more sense.) And just a period to end it off properly.

Rejoice, for the king has come!
Celebrate the birth of your king!
He is a miracle above all miracles!
Rejoice, for the king has come!

Is this meant to be a comment or a chorus or something? Don't get me wrong, it's great on its own, but it doesn't fit the rhyme scheme or rhythm of the rest of the poem.

It was great reading your work! I hope to see it again after you've made some changes Write on, and God bless.
~DragonGirl11