Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
100 pills
of Benadryl
in the morning
before school.
"I feel like death."
That's what you said,
and no one knew
what was coming next.
I know you knew
how much we all care for you.
Instead, you chose
to down the pills.
I love you,
but I hate that you
felt the need
to do this.
I offered candy
instead of a shoulder to cry on.
What do you need?
I wasn't there.
I pretended nothing was wrong,
and let you pet my hair.
But now you're in the hospital
with padded walls and floors,
and I don't what to say when you walk back in through those doors.
what if?
What if?
What if?
What if you had died?
What about everyone who cares?
You're so fucking selfish.
I hate you.
Not really.
I can't.
But I want to
so bad.
These are all the words I cannot say.
I dare not now,
but maybe I will someday.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Heya, Cloud! Casanova here to do a review for you! And I know this is a personal poem, but it's here to be reviewed, and I'm not trying to bash you or anything. I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. Anyway, to the review!
I feel like this would benefit from being combined into two lines. "100 pills of Benadryl/ in the morning before school." I think that would help this flow wise. Besides that, there's not enough context to review here, so onward.
Here you can tell the story is starting to get personal, and I like that. So props for that. Anyway, onward.
Here you're focusing on listing again, and I'd like to see a bit more description on emotion. You're wanting to portray how you feel about this person, right? Here something I would suggest,"I focused on the pink and blue pills that filled your glass/hollowing and en-capturing your mind- enslaving it to the addiction, and I hate hating what you do, and how you felt the need to do this," or something to that extent. Description goes a long way in poetry, and I think that it would benefit from it here. Instead of narration strictly, throw some metaphors or even similes in there, and I think it would be pretty alright. Anyway, onward.
Here is what one of my favourite YWS poets would call,"dried up I speech." It's when you over use the first person point of view narrative and without juicy content. I would suggest mixing it up a bit here, too, and polishing it out. Anyway, onward.
Now we're getting into a bit of anger here, and I like that. But I want you to expand on that, and make us actually feel it instead of having to say it with the word,"fucking," if you catch what I'm saying. Anyway, onward.
Although the rhyme stands out here,I rather like these lines, so props for that.
Anyway, overall I think you have a decent poem idea that could use some tweaking and polishing.
I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Hello there StormCycle!
You said that this poem is personal. I hope everything is okay.
The poem lacks something but not everyone understands poetry, if everyone did, they would all be termed at poets.
Your poem for sure captures the essence of what you are feeling.
Feel free to improve the poem, but even if you don't it doesn't matter.
Not every poem is written to be appreciated.
Hope you have a nice day.
Cheers!
Alex Blackwell.
Hello!
I agree with marmalade in the fact that this poem is very literal. I would very much appreciate some metaphor in there. Also, the rhyme scheme seems off-kilter. It's like... something is missing. I don;t know how else to describe it.
The repetition here didn't do anything for me. I think you could get away with just the one in bold.
This last stanza's rhymes seem awfully forced, and the message is overall cliche. This was the weakest stanza in the poem.
I do like the emotions in this poem, and it has all the right ideas, so with a few tweaks, it can be amazing (sorry if that's a run-on sentence). Keep writing!
-Grace
Hey StormCycle. I'm here to review your poem for RED. If you have any questions feel free to PM me or comment them. I realize this poem deals with some hard stuff and it's personal to you. If you need someone to listen to you I'm here for you and I'm sure plenty of other YWSers are too. I am here, however, to review this poem so that's what I plan to do.
I felt the emotion and the story was strong and heavy which is good. I also think the formatting is a little odd. You have a bunch of small paragraphs and then some big paragraphs. And although the poem was clear and emotional I found it to be a bit boring as it lacks imagery and metaphors. Everything you say is matter-of-fact and simply put instead of poetic. I found the first stanza to be very good and might even be the best stanza. This poem feels like dialogue or a letter to someone but it doesn't really feel like a poem. Try instead of making it so close to your life, try creating a metaphor and then writing this story with it.
I hope I've helped
marmalade
The awkward formatting is because the stanza thing isn't working for me. I'll try and fix that asap. This poem is really personal, so it felt good to get it out there. If I do end up editing this, I'll definitely take your critique into consideration.
That's fine! I totally get that xD I usually don't edit really personal poems no matter what any reviewer says just because they were meant to be all that they were in the first draft and nothing more.
Yeah. I'm too close to this to do much with it right now, and I'm probably never going to end up editing this because I feel like I've said what I needed to say.
Yeah I get that c: I hope things that better for you and whoever this poem was about.