"Sepia" Rewrite

Stori wrote:"That one," the girl murmurs.

That one? What is it she's looking at?

I clear my throat. Startled, she turns on her heel, a light-stylus raised as if in defense.

"Oh. You startled me." Her head tilts to one side, like a bird's.I would put a comma after "oh" instead of making two sentences. Birds doesn't need an apostrophe
"You're a Tirellan, right?"

"Isn't it usual to introduce yourself first?"
Besides, she is a human... Instead of underlining "is" i would just put it as normal font, just to make it more eye pleasing

Her name is Joanna. She's here on vacation with her uncle,
who's bemused by her interest in stargazing.

"Show me," I say.

While she does, I steal a glance at her.
She's pretty, despite being a different species:
long black hair, just barely six feet
(taller, alas, than me), an intelligent face.
No, a gorgeous face. I liked this last part

"Hey, are you paying attention?" she asks, almost teasing.

"No; you're very distracting."The semi-colon isn't necessary, just a comma would do

"Ha!" She draws herself up. "Don't try any
animal magnetism on me." Joanna traces a delicate
finger along her light-board; stars cling to it
like metal filings.

I point to a small, bright star. "That's home.
Right now it's... twelve light-years distant, give or take." What's with the quotation mark?

"I'm impressed!"

"Tirellans never get lost." It's a little white lie. I'm a little confused now. I thought that Joanna were the Tirellan, not your MC

Her head is tilted again.

"All right, I looked up the distance."

We run into each other a few more times,
and each time she's eager to share a new discovery.
Maybe it's no surprise that she wants to get
to know me.

I tell her about coming here on the "Olivia Trent"-
not the official version, but my view of it.

She stays silent, nibbling on her fingernails.

"I didn't want to leave Tirella. Too many memories,
they said. But I want to remember."

"Yeah." The one word is like a sigh.

Hey, hon. So here's my spiel. If you cannot read my handwriting or need anything clarified, please do not hesitate to PM or poke me.

Tada.




I really like this piece, but it was confusing because of the lack of dialog tags.

Ta,
Cal.

Thank you! I'll take your advice to heart.

Beautiful. This is the first Sci-Fi I have ever read... So you've set the bar pretty high. This is graceful and poem like. I need some more thought in the text. It is verry interesting... PM me more

-Biffle.

Exquisite writing. There is a lyrical beauty to your prose, making it so much a pleasure to read. You have a unique voice and I admire your writing style. I'm sure there is more to this than meets the eye. I really would like to see this expanded as a full story because right now, it reads like an excerpt to a bigger helping; to a more exotic, delicious gourmet of words, so to speak. yum yum yum!

Keep Writing!

Than you all! As a matter of fact, I do have some more. I'll post it in a minute.

This is a really nice piece! I like how you wrote it in second person, that's usually a very tricky writing style, but you aced it. It was interesting and easy to read with a very nice flow, I didn't have to re-read anything which is very nice!

:] Great job!

eez.

Is there more to this? I must have more!

Seriously, this was really short but amazingly entrancing. The way it was formatted made it feel like poetry, but it read like prose. And the present tense is fabulously employed.


Gah... Why must it be so beautiful? Really, the only thing I can find to critique about it is that it is so short. There's not much of a story or even much of a hook to a story. It's just what it is: an introduction between two characters.

Very lovely though. More please!

~GryphonFledgling