She's looking out at the stars. Forgotten in her left hand, a light-stylus glows a forlorn green.
I clear my throat. "Excuse me."
"Oh!" Her hand goes to her heart. "Uncle Leo, don't scare me like... that." She catches sight of me.
"I'm afraid I don't know Uncle Leo," I say with a smile. "Did I sound like him?"
Without answering, she says, "I'm Joanna."
"Aiden," I say.
"Nice name." She cocks her head. "What's that in your hair?"
I thought she would ask about my eyes."Huh? Oh, those're my ears."
"Wow! Do they move?"
"About as much as my tail does."
Her eyes light up; she must think I'm joking. I swish my tail in front of her; she gives a kind of squeak.
**
Sal doesn't seem to know what to make of Joanna; neither does Maddie.
I can feel my ears twitching nervously. Do they think she just led me home, like a lost kitten?
"Well," says Maddie. She runs a hand through her copper ringlets. "Aiden doesn't often bring friends home."
"Am I the first?"
"First this month," I chime in.
"Aiden!"
I smile and click my tongue.
**
"That one's Aelita." She points out a small, bright-red star. "She's shy; can't you see her blushing?"
"Oh, yes," I reply.
She's told me about her odd habit. "Not so odd," she said. "Ancient mariners named hundreds of individual stars. They depended on those stars to find their way home; I do the same."
"You're an astronomer?"
"No, I'm a stargazer. Trust me; there's a difference."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Your story is pretty good, but it is hard to understand who is talking. There are also parts that I didn't understand until I read it again. Overall, it is a good story, though. Keep on writing.
You'll be happy to know that I've gone back and retold Aiden's story in "Blind;" I'll have it posted in a second.
Splendid!
The way you tell they story is intriguing, and makes me (and by the looks of it, everybody else that has posted) want more. Nothing seems out of place with the story, just a tad bit more narration.
I think Aiden, as the main character, should probably be described somewhat better,but like i said "intrigue".
I would surely love to see this in full novel or novella form! Brilliant writing, don't stop!
Thanks, guys! I'm going to be telling this to everyone: Stori's account doesn't work, so I'm positing this under the Fire's.
I like the idea about animals reflecting their "types," so I'll try to get that done.
The hard part: what do you love about Aiden? What do you hate? Be harsh, as he is my main character.
I'm not quite sure what to make of it. The three sections all seem disjointed and it took me a moment to realize that the second had the same narrator. Stylistically, I think it needs work, the voice of your 'manimal' is rather flat and doesn't really bring a personality to mind which I think you need when writing in first person. The sections are very short which I feel jars the reader out of the story. Work on smoothing out transitions from one thought to another. Right now, to me, I think it reads like three scene ideas strung together haphazardly.
You're doing good, though, to get the main ideas down first.
The writing is good though, I just I wish there was more to look at. So my main suggestion would be to expand on it.
Heya
I have to say that i think that you should go a little further with the whole animal hybrid thing, maybe you could have the animalistic features and behavoir reflect peoples personal attributes, make your characters more like the animals and their sterotypes , you know a turtle would be very shy and quiet, you don't have to do it i just think it would be intresting to read.
ARCAUS
Wow and at first I thought I was going to read just a conversation and actually got a story! Amazing. I loved it.
I would definitely like to read more from you in the near future!
That was it exactly! A 'hybrid" of cat and human; I think it's called an anthromorph. It was a "human shaped" character.
Hey Stori! June here!
Your stories! Eek! *squeals excitedly* I love them! They're all so fantasy like and so cute! I love the part about the ears! And--
Nevermind xD. Let's get serious:
First line:
Question! Why are you using "just"? You're not really giving us anything relevant by using it, and if you take it away, it's all good. So! Is it necessary?
I like how you jump from passages! It gives a closer feel to the story. In telling us less than norm, you're giving us alot here, dude. Brilliant.
Also! What is Aiden!? I mean, first by the (cute) ear description, I wondered if he was an elf, but! Elf ears are on the sides of their heads... so, what is he actually?
Stori, you should really write a novel one day. All of your stuff is too short.
Don't get me wrong, short stories are amazing; but when you want to read more, it's just not fair
June
You know what? I like short stories; I like things to be broken down.
Silly me, I've been trying to write "The Lord of the Rings" instead "A Hundred Suns."
Stori, I really like these short stories. The fact that they're so short is remarkable. I've never read anything like this in my life. It's so interesting to see how much (and how little) you're giving away. Which makes me keen to keep on reading. The story has caught me in some way. You're just curious.
This is very well written. Simple and easy. And I'm hoping for more of these. I'm interested to see what happenes and what and when they all are...
Well done, Stori:D
I loved the second sentence, but I'm not a fan of the first. I'd change "She's just looking" to "she looks".
It just feels better.
Well, that's the only thing I could really find wrong with this short piece. Overall I liked it. Very interesting approach. When I saw how short each line was, I was worried that you would be "telling" me everything (you've heard that oh-so-common tip, right? Show don't tell?), but you did actually "show" me. Your dialogue does well to capture the characters, and the your descriptions showed a lot for their few words. Overall it worked quite well, but I do think to paint a truly brilliant picture, you'll need to start adding more. For now, though, it was an interesting read.
Thank you very much. I had a lot of fun describing Aiden.
Hi Stori
While this opening is short, it is pretty effective. In fact, although I would under normal circumstances complain about the amount of dialogue, I don't think that it was bad in this piece. The brevity of this piece as well as its strong construction makes it very difficult to find fault with. Well done. I hope to read more of this soon. I would advise writing the next piece with a little more narration. Your dialogue is strong, but it still needs narration to back it up. Great job, and please PM me when the next piece is up, as I'd be interested to read it.
Have a good one!