Stori wrote:"That one," the girl murmurs.
That one? What is it she's looking at?
I clear my throat. Startled, she turns on her heel, a light-stylus raised as if in defense.
"Oh. You startled me." Her head tilts to one side, like a bird's.#FF0000 ">I would put a comma after "oh" instead of making two sentences. Birds doesn't need an apostrophe
"You're a Tirellan, right?"
"Isn't it usual to introduce yourself first?"
Besides, she is a human... #FF0000 ">Instead of underlining "is" i would just put it as normal font, just to make it more eye pleasing
Her name is Joanna. She's here on vacation with her uncle,
who's bemused by her interest in stargazing.
"Show me," I say.
While she does, I steal a glance at her.
She's pretty, despite being a different species:
long black hair, just barely six feet
(taller, alas, than me), an intelligent face.
No, a gorgeous face. #FF0000 ">I liked this last part
"Hey, are you paying attention?" she asks, almost teasing.
"No; you're very distracting."#FF0000 ">The semi-colon isn't necessary, just a comma would do
"Ha!" She draws herself up. "Don't try any
animal magnetism on me." Joanna traces a delicate
finger along her light-board; stars cling to it
like metal filings.
I point to a small, bright star. "That's home.
Right now it's... twelve light-years distant, give or take." #FF0000 ">What's with the quotation mark?
"I'm impressed!"
"Tirellans never get lost." It's a little white lie. #FF0000 ">I'm a little confused now. I thought that Joanna were the Tirellan, not your MC
Her head is tilted again.
"All right, I looked up the distance."
We run into each other a few more times,
and each time she's eager to share a new discovery.
Maybe it's no surprise that she wants to get
to know me.
I tell her about coming here on the "Olivia Trent"-
not the official version, but my view of it.
She stays silent, nibbling on her fingernails.
"I didn't want to leave Tirella. Too many memories,
they said. But I want to remember."
"Yeah." The one word is like a sigh.
Overall
Wow. That was really good. It feels so graceful, so poetic and lyrical. I don't know how to explain it well, but it was such a beautiful read. Keep writing!
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