Young Writers Society

Well you got your point across clearly and I can tell you are quite passionate about this subject. Maybe go more in depth about why Capitalism is 'plaguing the globe' and some of your other points like how you would legalise weed. I really like the angry voice that you show throughout the text, it is obviously very confrontational and there is no BS just straight talking. I can also tell you have found the middle ground between full on poetry and realistic politics which I quite like. I can not seem to find any grammatical errors so I think overall this is a good bit of work despite a few changes here and there and some expansion.
I like your profile picture by the way it made me laugh!
Hope this helped you.

The voice of this poem was very distinctive - angry, confrontational. I like how you worked in the political jargon as well. I think the all caps added to this anger of the message, and honestly as a reader was aggravating to read through - as radrook mentioned no-one likes being yelled at, although I'm guessing that's sort of the persona you wanted to portray with this piece. And in poetry, sometimes getting a negative emotional reaction is precisely what the poet is trying to draw forth. So if you're intent was to be a bit shocking and bombarding I think you've got it.

I thought that the most thought provoking line in this piece was this line, "one that cuts out their rotting heart to birth something you'd bow to" -- that's really gruesome and packs a punch. The imagery there is perfect. I would like to see a few more of these more thought out philosophical lines and images interspersed with the political yelling. It'd give some more variety and texture to the piece, to pull out the threads of meaning and symbolism that I think are only surface deep so far.

That's all I've got for now! Good luck with your future poems, I like that you're doing something unique and I hope you keep at it!

~alliyah

Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to hurt you, offend you demean you or or your story however make sure this advice isn't tried and true and brace yourself that said . . .

2. Praise
Wow this made me laugh outloud. Something about the way you wrote this humored me, in a good way. Especially that last bit.
1. Grammar
Okay, first of all as RadRook pointed out the capitals are needless, unless it's first prospective I. Also where are the commas, or capitalizing the first sentence? For example . . .

vote for who doesn't even consider citizens

or waste moments of their much more important lives on you

one that cuts out their rotting heart to birth something you'd bow to

someone that knows you so well, they name themselves after you.
Were are the commas?

3. Word usage
Okay finally, some parts I think could be better written. Let's start with the first one

Be a GENERATION that KNOWS what to DO!

This world after all is WHOLE lot like you

ALL IS DOOMED! no fixing this.

so

VOTE FOR WHO TELLS mostly THE TRUTH

vote for the most SPECTACULAR Showman TOO!

VOTE FOR WHO SEES YOU AS you

miserable Maggots refusing to grow


Praying those bombs would hurry up and


BLOW!

vote for who doesn't even consider citizens
Okay so first of all, the first part would sound better this way I think

Be a generation that knows what to do, after all the world is alot like you!
All is doomed no fixing this so,

After that I would take out the capitals and redo it this way,

All is doomed to fixing this so,
Vote for who tells mostly (I'd do that mostly either in italics or bold for emphasis) the truth
and vote for the spactacualr showman too!o
Vote for who sees you as miserable maggos unable to grow, praying those bombs would hurry up and BLOW. (I'll let those four capitals pass once again for emphasis)
Okay other then that I think this poem is fine. Good day!

My apologies for not having gone in deeper into the poem. Here is more info that might prove useful.

The problem with using capitalization of all the letters is that it comes across as shouting and nobody likes to have things shouted at them. The force of the message should be in its persuasive ability and not because it occupies a lot of unnecessary room on the page.

Also, when a reader encounters that kind of thing the initial reaction is not to read it. It is similar to going to church and having the pastor scream from the pulpit about the horrors of suffering in the bowels of hell.

Please note that persuasion is an art and shouting at people has absolutely nothing to do with it. In fact, it is quite common that shouting is compensation for lack of substance. Shouting can be understood as a cover to hide that fact. Otherwise why shout?

Writing in All Caps Comes Across As Shouting
https://www.lifewire.com/why-not-to-wri ... ps-1173242

Bolding and italics is a much less annoying way to go if emphasis is what is needed.

Another distracting aspect of your poem is the use of numbers instead of words. That is similar to saying “Hey! Look how clever I am! I can use numbers instead of words! See! Watch me!” It gives the impression of childishness, “Hey Dad! Watch me do cartwheels!” sort of thing. So I would remove it.

The repetition of the word “static” seems to be out of context with what the rest of the poem is saying. Static in what way? After all, the word static has two meanings. One involves sound, you know, like static on the radio. The other involves remaining in the same unchanged condition. Neither of these two meaning jives with the complaining that goes on in the body of the poem which speaks about choosing a leader who caters to the demands of the voters regardless of what those demands are. If indeed the word “static" fits in, then you need to explain how, because I just don’t see the logical connection.

You also have the minster of Propaganda contradicting himself. First he offers good advice. Then he offers garbage advice. Is this the same dude? Really! Right there you lose reader's attention because people don’t blatantly contradict themselves in real life-especially people in positions of responsibility. Either have him do one or the other. It is called characterization.


The following shout is nonsenical and ungrammatical.

"PEOPLE'S PROFIT TO PLAGUE THE GLOBE!"

Did you mean: “People profit and plague the globe!”




"

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about the folly of certain people becoming president for all the wrong reasons. That's why Socrates was against democracy. He claimed that people were elected to office for such irrelevant things as physical attraction, having a certain charisma, because they promised to grant requests no matter how inane those requests might have been or the effects that they would have on the state itself.

In short, only selfish gain was the motive. That's why Socrates recommended the Republic which was later called Plato's Republic because he was the one who wrote about it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republic_(Plato)

Under such a republic only those who had been educated to govern the state would govern. These would be chosen only from among the Guardian class, a group chosen from youth based on certain inherent predispositions that indicated they had the necessary qulities to be rulers.

Such would ones be educated from childhood on on how to govern with wisdom. Philosopher kings they were to be called. Meanwhile people predisposed to buffoonery or other such tendencies or perhaps with the temperament for battle or trade would be relegated to the warrior or merchant classes.

In that at way the state would be protected from what your poem so accurately describes-the placement of a fool in office to the detriment of the state.


Suggestions

The poem would be easier to read if it would use less capitalization.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.