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Patrick's Party

by StaticScum


My pillow feels like a marshmallow
Melting on a sun-bleached concrete stove, glued to my cheek with puke
Mixed in spit spewing out my lips.
Ba-drinkah! "Ohhh~"
Ba-drinkah! "Gah!"

Ba-drinkah! I quickly punched my phone into snooze, sighing
I have a trig test today.
All those formulas make my head hurt and my head is already
Pounding. I had a late night at Patrick's Party.

All my friends sat on their stools, silently
Eyes that demanded to down another, another

Another!
I even saw that homeless guy who's always around Patrick's
Watching me, worried.
"Don't you worry dude! There's enough for everyone here too.
Patrick's had to fully stock up after I partied here
Last night." Ba-drinkah!

Ba- I turned off my phone. "I'll get up at One
When Patrick's Party opens."
I sank my face back into the soggy, hardening marshmallow
Waiting. Suffocating myself slowly as I failed
Another class.


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Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 3:21 pm
Mathy wrote a review...



Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek here for another review on a poem about unhealthy relationships and parties with excessive drinking for some reason! I really like what you did with this poem, so I'm excited to be reviewing it. I can't relate to this whatsoever, as I am responsible and antisocial and have no intention of drinking anything worse for you than fruit juice for the next 20 years. I can't even relate to wanting to go to a party, but I'll review it the best I can, so let's start!

I really thought that this poem was a true work of art that should be appreciated for the fact that it is both a public service announcement and some friendly advice. It seems like you may have been in this situation yourself once, though I kind of doubt a great poet like you would be so irresponsible. The next thing I have to add to this review is how it is a very well-written story as well as a poem, expressing the dangers of both partying too much and being irresponsible. What is the difference between the twp, exactly? Partying too much isn't always irresponsible depending on the circumstances, but being irresponsible is always... irresponsible? Nevermind... What matters is that you very accurately described late High School parties and how it is very dangerous to be drinking underage. It is amazing how you drew the connection between underage drinking and other destructive decisions to ruining your future.

Great work, and as always, have a happy Review Day! ZeldaIsShiek- Out!




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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:37 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello StaticScum! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
My pillow feels like a marshmallow
Melting on a sun-bleached concrete stove, glued to my cheek with puke {Ew}
Mixed in spit spewing out my lips.
Ba-DRING! "Ohhh~" {Now, I'm a bit dirty-minded, and my mind went straight to the gutter, if you know what I mean. For the sake of other dirty-minded YWSers on there, I'd recommend you'd change this and the line below it, ya know? :wink: }
Ba-DRING! "Gah!"

Ba-DRING! I quickly punched my phone into snooze, sighing{.}
I have a trigonometry test today. {To change flow, I would put it as "There is a trig test today." Trigonometry is universally known as trig, so people would know what you're talking about}
All th{e}se formulas make my head hurt and my head is already
Pounding. I had a late night at Patrick's
Party.

All my friends sat on their stools, silently
Cheering eyes that screamed to down another, another

Another!
I even saw that homeless guy who's always around Patrick's
Watching me, worried.
"Don't you worry dude! There's enough for everyone here too.
Patrick's had to fully stock up after I partied here
Last night." Ba-DRING!

Ba- I turned off my phone. "I'll get up at {O}ne {The phone thing kind of confused me for a second. Like, I had to read twice. Maybe make all of the onomonopias in this piece italicized?}
When Patrick's Party opens."
I sank my face back into the soggy, hardening marshmallow{,}
Waiting. Suffocating myself slowly as I failed
Another class.


Good poem overall, with the occasional grammar issue and confusing thing. The message and what it's about is very clear, so great job about that.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:49 pm
bluebird wrote a review...



Hi and welcome to YWS! bluebird here for a review :D This is a really interesting and funny poem so let's get started.

First of all, the imagery at the top of this poem is very effective. As soon as I read the first few lines, I was already drawn into this person's head. My own stomach started to churn, which I'll admit was unpleasant, but helped to understand immediately what was going on in this person's head. We've all woken up to a situation we didn't want to be in, or known that we hadn't prepared enough for a test. It's pretty easy to put yourself in this person's shoes.

I'm not sure what the message of the paragraph about the friends on the stools is. Are they silent because he's misinterpreting the situation, or because that's actually how they're cheering him on? Maybe it's because I don't get out enough but that part didn't make much sense to me. I really liked the part about the homeless person since it helped to establish that Patrick's really is a party spot but also serves as a sort of warning about what could happen to this person if they don't stop going to Patrick's.

The ending is also very strong too, especially the last sentence. It captures the mood of the whole poem but brings it to a more somber note that I really appreciate.

Overall, this poem was pretty cool and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!

-bluebird





Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus