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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Queen (Chp. 4)

by Staphsendingmenoodles


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

 Hey hey hold your horses, are you 16? Are you 18?  Ah! Get yo' butt out of here you not old enough to be reading this. I gave a warning, Hun, not a lollipop now shoo! This story hold strong language, sexual representation (I think), and violence. 

3

Is this just real life or is this just a fantasy?

Was it really real in Veronica’s eyes? Being kidnapped by the most baddest boy in her private school as he spills his guts out or her parents dying from slit throats and missing limbs ? ‘Can it get any worse?’ Veronica would question if she wasn’t about to have a panic attack in a car with a psycho.

Let’s start from the beginning, before Author or Veronica, before the grass would grow and humans would take over. The story of the first angel, Lucifer.

It was long ago since the story of the fallen angel. He was described to humans as evil and a snake, a trickster that will take your soul and abuse you. Stop right there, I know where you think this is going, but this isn’t going to be a love story about a misunderstood boy, who has awful daddy issues. Really all what Lucifer did was true, but it didn’t mean all of it was true. What was true was that he was ruthless and had a temper, sarcasm and jealousy mixed towards humans after his father praised them for their naiveness and forgetfulness.

There has been a time where generally Lucifer felt pity for the species, but at the same time, during those thousands of years, it was too late to even give a damn to save them now.

“Father thou shall know when death shalt cometh. Both us know the faith we brought on this heathen world.” Lucifer murmured to himself as he sat on his throne, his legs crossed over each other as his head slouched down onto his pale wrist. His blue eyes hollowly watched his minions that were walking towards him quickly. Daily souls, daily idiots, more excuses why the portal wasn’t open yet.

“Sir…” one of his minions called obediently. This call would make Lucifer sit up in his throne more properly. “Is it open?” He questioned as his voice was more assertive than normal, no emotion was sensed within it. His usual mood would be hyper like, no child like. He was reckless of course, he acted like a teenager that has been out for his father for years. Not even his voice reached its full potential, yet. It made his minions question if he really was the “Satan” they heard in stories.

Lucifer could sense the hesitation within his minions, he passed it off as fear though. Thinking he was finally getting through his minions after centuries of “authority” within his home. The real hesitation between the minions was if they were going to hear him rave and holler about his father, and about the portal again.

“Nuh-no.” His minion stuttered, but as soon as the minion began to show any type of disappointment, a snap was sound. The minion squealed in agony as it’s skin began to slowly burn off, with another snap, their bodies began to cook under the fire. The minions’ skeleton was revealed to be an ashy burnt black, it only took seconds for the skeletons to collapse into dust.

Like a toddler, Lucifer hated being told no, but today the word “no” was really beginning to irritate the angel, so he torched one of his minions. This would be a “typical” thing to do (for a guy who's classified as a fallen angel), but when Lucifer is told no, he usually let the hell hounds eat his minions, before sending them back out to do his bidding. Obviously, this wasn’t the case because this time Lucifer decided to incinerate his minion instead of feeding it to the dogs. To clearly describe how Lucifer felt, it was absolute frustration. Frustration wasn’t an unfamiliar emotion to him and he often felt somehow trapped in his own new called “home” which added to his frustration. This was the time for him to cause actual hell just because he practically was being told no. Any time now, he would’ve been screaming on the top of his lungs, letting his evil demeanor be destroyed by the “bratty rich toddler”, but this time; this time was different.

Huffing out an exhale, he took a stance. “You know what,” he forced his lips to curve into a sarcastic smile,”Let’s not say the word “no” anymore.” Lucifer took a nice three steps from his throne before stepping down from it . “Let’s try to be a little bit more positive, people. Like y’know,” he paused. Lucifer made a side eye and bent his body to the side trying to get his point across to everyone,“the faster you get the portal activated the faster you can be free!”

He began to make his way towards one of his minions, stepping over the pile of ashes.

Becoming close to her, looking into her eyes as his smile grew wider, “So to lighten up the mood, we all train for what’s going to be our freedom...our perfect little plan will become finished.” A bloody red filled Lucifer’s eyes as he flashed them at his minion, scaring her.

“Now get the fuck back to work!”

The minions scattered away from the irritated angel, leaving him alone. Lucifer let out another huff, but it quivered this time as if he was trying to control his frustration. His eyes peeled back to its normal sky blue pupils as he ruffled his fingers through his pale blonde hair. He slowly strut back to his throne, cursing in ancient Latin.

Once Lucifer was back sitting peacefully at his throne, he embraced the quiet that greeted him. Ah, yes, the delightful peace and quiet, until he heard his doors burst open. Lust and romance filled the air, turning the mood into a nice luscious pink. Once more Lucifer cursed in Latin, shouting the most Italian delecte, mixed with roman, then Greek only to hit right back to Latin.

“Not happy to see me?” She purred.

“Unless I really want to fuck with you then no, this is not a great time.” Lucifer gritted. His hand clasped over his eyes as he would sigh when they slouched down.

“Luci--”

“Don’t fucking call me that!” His hand was quick to pull away from his face and slam down on the armrest of his throne. He was being poked by the queen of Lust, the queen that is the queen of hoes and whores, the bitch who’ll suck than sell, but it didn’t mean she had boundaries. The woman who’ll try to take the man; Lilith.

“I see you are pissed again,” Lilith purred once more as her heels began to click against the concrete floor. She was making her way towards the King himself, only to get close enough to sit on his lap and wrap her pale arms around Lucifer’s neck.

‘You just have to turn that frown upside down, baby.’ Her voice echoed, in Lucifer’s head as he pulled himself from the memories before he was put in the cage.


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Fri Oct 30, 2020 6:11 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hey, I saw this in the Green Room so I thought I'd come and check it out!

I haven't read the other chapters so I can't really talk about plot.

First things first, your formatting is wrong for a story. Prose shouldn't be in the centre. That's more for poetry.

'Really all what Lucifer did was true, but it didn’t mean all of it was true.' - what? You've just gone against what you just said.

You seem to have an issue with tense. Most of this is in past tense but you also have random sentences that don't fit. Like - 'This call would make Lucifer sit up in his throne more properly.' which should be something like 'This call made Lucifer sit up on his throne.'

'It made his minions question if he really was the “Satan” they heard in stories.' - what stories? We don't need to know right away but seeing as I don't know when abouts this is taking place but from the intro it sounds like it close to the beginning of Lucifer's story. So how much has he gotten up to til this point?

You do a lot of telling rather than showing. From this, I'm guessing this is the first time Lucifer is introduced so I get that you are trying to get to his personality as quickly as you can, but all the info dumps are rather stuffy. Instead of telling the reader that Lucifer is like a child and all his other character traits, show them. And when he is being petulant, trust your reader to understand, you don't need to spell it out for them.

All in all, your formatting and sentence structure needs a lot of work but it looks like you've got a good story idea going on.





I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical