Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Queen (Chp 2.)

by Staphsendingmenoodles


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

I repeat this has strong lanauage if you are under the age of 16+ please read something else! You have been warned! 

2

After just thinking aimlessly about what I should do for about fifteen minutes, a male approached me. Tall, muscular, with nothing but dark features about him, but he was exhausting to look at. His face was covered with distraught, he reeked of a bar and cheap perfume, he was sluggish looking, his hair wasn’t kept. And his clothes, oh don’t get me started with his clothes, they look like a homeless man’s everyday wear. He looked terrible in all.

That’s how you irk someone like me, no not a person with autism, but a person who has a problem with talking to people who stink like a skank from a bar on a Saturday Night. So it made me tense when this male approached me, and when he opened his mouth.

I might as well have died right then and there. Because damn did his breath reeked of so much whiskey, probably vodka, and maybe a bit of wine, also it wasn’t mixing well with the mints he took before he began talking to me or anyone else in fact with that type of breath. I pinched my nose and held my breath.

“It’s rude to do that Ms. Hicks.” He teased while getting closer to me, I scooted away in irritation with the smell of him. Wishing for someone who can grab this homeless man and pull his stinky skank breath away from me. Since I didn’t reply and continued pinching my nose and holding my breath he continued to talk, and yes I listened to him.

***

“And so you may take my hand into marriage as the Queen of Hell.”

See this is when I just stop listening and really hope to God that someone would pull this man away from me before I start screaming. I especially don’t like people that I don’t know being close to me, it increases tension. My eyes averted to his, my expression still blank and his filled with great emotion.

“Can you repeat every word you said to me but slowly please?” I asked plainly, gladly he didn’t notice that I was pulling my face away, so he nodded.

“I have watched you for a long damn time, you know. Ever since I came to your high school looking for fun with some high school whores,” he admitted, which I don’t blame, our high school is filled with bitches who ignore me or scowl at me for some reason. The only thing I really do to get through the school day is practice on my violin in quiet places in the school and then go to work. Even if I wanted to be “involved” my mom wouldn’t let me have any kind of social media besides a gaming app called Disord, which I begged her to let me have. She reluctantly agreed to my begging, or well silent treatment.

“Until that day I saw you walk across that hallway, away from me and my madness with those raging whores around me. You were the only girl who didn’t pay attention to me. You’re different.” He stated, which I found bizarre because I found it very fucking disgusting that this guy, this random stinky skanky guy want to come up to me and spill his guts. I wanted to stop him there, but I just found it funny that he was just spilling his guts on me and I didn’t want to be rude. “And I like different women,” Aren’t all women different? I don’t get men.

“And I liked you ever since, so I decided for you to be my Queen.” Once he said that, my heart didn’t flutter. I was unamused by his confession.

I am never amused, but I finally realized who I was talking to, even though his sluggish features covered his identity quite well. His name is Author, Author Taylor. The bad boy at my school. Girls fall for him, boys hate him, and me? He’s not even on my radar, but I heard of him. I have been ordered to stay away from him, and I guess, he came to me.

Author Taylor has come to spill his guts and it’s all about me?


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31 Reviews


Points: 1612
Reviews: 31

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Tue Oct 27, 2020 11:50 am
omer wrote a review...



Hey! I'm back for more of that. Let's begin!

1. Punctuation
I'd recommend you'd zoom in your screen to see where I added commas and full stops by using bold text.

And his clothes,... oOh, don’t get me started with his clothes[...]


That’s how you irk someone like me,. nNo, not as a person with autism, but as a person who has a problem with talking to people who stink like a skank from a bar on a Saturday Night[...]


“It’s rude to do that, Ms. Hicks.,Hhe teased while getting closer to me[...]


You see, this is when I just stop listening[...]


Even if I wanted to be “involved”, my mom wouldn’t let me have any kind of social media besides a gaming app called Disord, which I begged her to let me have. She reluctantly agreed to my begging, or, well, silent treatment.


He stated, which I found bizarre because I found it very fucking disgusting that this guy, this random stinky skanky guy, wants to come up to me and spill his guts.


2. In my opinion, she brings up the fact Author stinks too many times. I do think that it's a nice detail or part of her personality, but just keep in mind not to reapeat it to many times, because it may be a bit exhausting at some point.

3.
“Can you repeat every word you said to me but slowly please?” I asked plainly[...]

I really like this line.

4.
Girls fall for him, boys hate him, and me? He’s not even on my radar, but I heard of him, but he’s not even on my radar.

I think it would sound better this way.^ :)

5. Grammar
Pay attention to your tense. If you choose past tense, stick to it. If you choose Present Simple, stick with it. For example:
[...]he admitted, which I don’t blame[...]

It should either be "he admits, which I dont blame", or "he admitted, which I didn't blame".

That's it! I hope some of this helps. Keep up the good work!
Omer.




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22 Reviews


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Fri Oct 09, 2020 6:47 am
Ken95 wrote a review...



Hello. Ken here for a review.
This is a very interesting piece. I love the narrative and the overall idea.

Looks like the main character is totally uninterested with the bitchy attitudes most girls exhibit at school. Lurking around the bad, the rich or the handsome dudes, making them look like some sort of cheap whores.
Perhaps she's more interested or attracted to guys who are smart, intelligent, etc. Is she sapiosexual?

“And I like different women,” Aren’t all women different? I don’t get men"
Oh. All women are different in looks but very similar in character! Like, they all want money they won't work for, cheap attention, gossiping, it goes on and on. Lol.

I can't wait for the next chapter.




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Wed Oct 07, 2020 6:14 pm
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CyberGenji wrote a review...



Hi there
I'm CyberGenji and i'll be reviewing your work today.

1. "a male approached me"
I think replacing "male" with "guy", "man" or anything else would sound better.

2. "His face was covered with distraught"
the construction of the sentence is kinda wonky, sometimes simple goes a long way so "He was distraught"

3." he reeked of a bar" - i get what you're trying to convey but again, "he reeked of cheap beer" makes it better.

4. " they look like a homeless man’s everyday wear."- once again, the sentence is a little clunky. Go with, "He looked like a hobo out of a crackhouse."

5. "He looked terrible in all."- the way the sentence is structured, "in all" isn't really needed but if you do want to include it, you could go with, "All in all, he looked terrible."

6. " but a person who has a problem with talking to people who stink like a skank from a bar on a Saturday Night. So it made me tense when this male approached me, and when he opened his mouth."- okay so first of all, the first sentence is absolutely hilarious, it works, it's worded well.
but the same problem crops up in the second sentence, the use of "male" in regular narration like this is very out of place. just go with "So it made me tense when he approached me"

7. "or anyone else in fact with that type of breath."- this part of the dialogue is unnecessary.

8." I scooted away in irritation with the smell of him."- 'from the smell.' thats all thats needed.

9. you seem to repeat some phrases over and over like, 'stinky skank breath', unless anything is a character's catchphrase you should just use different words each time or not describe it every time.

10."Aren’t all women different? I don’t get men."- as this is the character's inner monologue, put a dialogue tag after it.

I mean, i like where the story is going but it needs a lot of proofreading and editing, the main problem would be sentence structuring and the only way to get good at it is practice so i suggest you keep writing a lot and you'll start noticing your errors immediately.

Anyhow, good story, i'll be waiting for the next chapter.






Okay sorry for the late reply! SO this is the second chapter as you obviously read, hehhh, I promise Author's POV will become better because his is not in first person (yes that is a lovely spoiler). The explaining why Veronica repeats herself. I wanted you guys to know as it was stated that she had autism. Autistic people tend to repeat themselves a lot, I wanted to put that in the book of course it wasn't going to become clear, but since we're in Veronica's POV (which will always stay in first person) she will repeat herself time to time. Anyway thank you for the feedback this really helps actually, this chapter is really old so when I proofread it, I also catch my own mistakes it just I don't tend to edit this story yet without it being finished.



CyberGenji says...


ah okie now the repetition makes a lot more sense, thank you for clarifying,
i'm actually very happy to hear about the autistic representation. i'm more so excited to read the next chapter now.



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Wed Oct 07, 2020 5:25 pm
candygal2004 says...



Wow...I loved it!!!





If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates