Young Writers Society

18+ Language Violence

Queen (Chp 3)

by Staphsendingmenoodles

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Hey, this story includes 16+ content, like gore, language, and other things. If you are under 16+ then please don't read this. You have been warned!


You’re a rich girl.

Those green eyes of his were staring into mine, I could tell that he wanted me to be in some kind of awe which wasn’t happening. Lessons for all girls, be smart with picking someone, especially when a random guy comes up to you spilling his entire love boner on you.

“Will you become my Queen, Veronica Hicks?”

Pressure can be hard sometimes, it can be hard saying no to many guys who look cute because they smoke or vape, who look cute when they have that affection in their eyes and it’s for you, just for you. You find it sexy, hot, really hot, that you need a cold shower, but at this exact moment I wasn’t feeling that. These words, his love, that twinkle in his eyes wasn’t appealing to me. I know what you’re going to say, ‘Well if you don’t want him then I can have him!’ Well then have him, I don’t want him, especially when I can’t feel anything towards him.

“No,” I said as my voice was a bit high-pitched due to me pinching my nose tighter because little seeps of his smell escaped and waved into my nostrils which, to be honest almost made me throw up. Too busy trying to avoid his scent, my ears began to ring, an unpleasant ring. It felt like I was hearing an ear aching static.

Unpinching my nose, I covered my ears in pain as my body was reacting loudly, the aching ring was so strong I couldn’t hear my heartbeat, I couldn’t feel the forced tears of unwelcoming pain strolling down my cheeks.

As the unbearable painful sound continued to make my ears ring, I ripped my hands away from my ears in aggression. I struggled to even keep my eyes open to see those eyes, those green eyes. I tried standing but buckled because I was defeated by the static. I was losing my strength. I tried sucking a wad of air, but I heaved it out, it tasted metallic. I was now staring at the ground as everything was beginning going blank.

‘Veronica…’ a voice came out into my head whispering. I could feel it tangling around me. It’s hands adventuring around my body. It forces my head up and tells me to open my eyes, ‘More...more,’ it said. I opened my eyes more. I saw a dark shadow being, it’s eyes shining brightly as its tail was revealing itself from behind the being’s hind legs.

‘Do you see him?’ The small voice asked, I was incapable to answer because I was in so much pain. It continued asking me until I was unable to keep my eyes open.


‘Veronica, you have to wake up,’ the voice’s whisper was clawing at the back of my mind. Darkness covered it as it continued saying the same thing over and over again before it would finally scream and scare me awake.

“Finally you’re awake.” My eyes scatter to their corners to see Author behind the wheel. Wait, wheel?! Quickly my eyes travel around the surroundings I was in, gathering the knowledge around it...I was in a car; a car with a psycho and that’s...that’s okay.

“It’s perfectly fine to be kidnapped by the most idiotic, possessive, bratty, jock, bastard of a guy! It’s totally fine!”I unknowingly mumbled loudly in a panic while trying to wrap my head around what was going on. Too many things were happening too quickly at once, it was like my life was spinning. I unknowingly covered my ears and lifted my knees to my chest, keeping my legs tightly sealed as I mumbled each thought that came to my head. I didn’t know that tears were dropping and trailing down my cheeks as I continued to mumble, no say what was coming out of my mind.

“My parents died today, I got kidnapped today, I’m in a car with a psycho...” I didn’t realize I was shouting my thoughts louder and louder as I began to scream and heave out the words, “Why is everything spinning?”

I repeated the question as I began to bang my palms against my ears violently as I continued to scream on top of my lungs, sobbing like a child in a Walmart.

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172 Reviews

Points: 7014
Reviews: 172

Wed Dec 30, 2020 7:02 am
soundofmind wrote a review...

Hey there staph! Not sure if your username makes sense to shorten that way, lol, but I'm sticking to it! I quickly read through the previous chapters so that I could have some context for this review!

First thing I noticed was that Veronica's voice in this narration is very distinct! I like how I got a clear idea of her personality just a few lines in because of how she's reacting to this guy's confession of love towards her. It's also kind of funny how she's treating the audience like she's pulling us in an aside, like a mentor taking us under her wing, and assuming what we think (though I will say on my end she's not correct in her assumptions, lol).

Man, Veronica's been through a lot. Understandably, she's having a hard time. I really hope she gets out of this!

I do wonder though, about her calling this man who kidnapped her "the Author." I know you put this story under satire, so I'm wondering if this is some kind of commentary on how characters feel when the literal author just makes life a living hell for them by causing one thing after the other to happen. If that's what you're going for though it's a little weird to me why the Author is confessing their love for Veronica, and, if I read that correctly, definitely assaulted her to some degree.

It's also interesting that a lot of Veronica's internal dialogue seems contradictory to her actions. On one hand, she'll say things like:

I was in a car; a car with a psycho and that’s...that’s okay.

Only moments before this happens:
I repeated the question as I began to bang my palms against my ears violently as I continued to scream on top of my lungs, sobbing like a child in a Walmart.

So it seems like there's a disconnect between her mind and her emotions. I hope she's able to find her way out of this or someone comes to help her, but I don't know if that's the story you're looking to tell, especially since it all started with her walking into her home and finding her dead parents. ;-;

I'm curious to see where this story leads, and I hope more clarity comes along the way. I'll go read the next chapter! If you have any questions or want more specific feedback let me know.

Keep writing!

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125 Reviews

Points: 10344
Reviews: 125

Wed Dec 09, 2020 5:47 am
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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...

Hello there!
I'm here for a quick review. I like how you wrote this out and I like how you describe things, especially where you said "sobbing like a child in a Walmart". Although I haven't read the chapters before and after this.

Too busy trying to avoid his scent, my ears began to ring, an unpleasant ring. It felt like I was hearing an ear aching static.

You kinda repeated things here and from what I know reading this I think it's just how you write it, your style but sometimes I think you should shorten it up.

I'm not the type of person who likes to read romance but I think it's well written. It was a wonderful read and I'm so thankful you wrote this.

I hope you have a good day.
Thank you for sharing this!

Keep it up,

In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter