Murder Inn Part one
You know those buildings that everybody seems to avoid? The ones that have that creepy haunted look to it? Cujo’s Inn is the perfect description of this. The thing that makes this one special, is that this one really is haunted. This story starts off with a normal man walking into this inn. This ends with a few people who learns the price of bravery and foolishness.
On June 13, 1998 a normal man with the name Zachary Edwards walks into Cujo’s Inn. This man just lost his wife two weeks ago due to a car crash and he was not the same. When he walked into this inn he was starting to be a bit of a handful. He was calling people names and talking smack. People figured he was doing this because he was still trying to get over the loss of his wife.
Two days later Zachary returns. This time he gets physical. He starts getting into fights and throwing things. Each time Zachary returns, he gets worse. Zachary used to be a nice, kind man but now he has gotten abusive.
The next time Zachary visits it is his last. He dies there from alcohol poisoning. He was found on the floor of the inn, dead with a half bottle of beer in his hand.
Cujo’s Inn had been an accident magnet since Zachary’s death. Two weeks after the death, two men had gotten into a fight. One of the men died while the other was put in handcuffs. The man put in handcuffs was questioned and put on trial for murder. The man that was put in handcuffs had the name Quinery. When he was questioned he had told the police that he had no idea why they fought. Quinery had never seen the other guy. Quinery had suddenly gotten mad at this guy and punched him. Quinery had no idea why he had gotten mad.
“It’s not like the guy did anything to me, I just felt this random surge of anger towards him,” Quinery told the police.
The other man was killed by a beer bottle taken to his head hard. Neither of the men were drinking and Quinery has no idea how he had gotten that beer bottle in his hands. The beer bottle was half full and was near the killed man's hand almost looking like it was in his hand but not quite.
A week after that another man was found dead in a bathroom with a knife in his chest. When the police examined the knife they found no fingerprints on it. The footage video had no recordings of anyone else going into the bathroom when the guy was in there. Who had killed him is still a mystery.
This went on for a month. Eventually Cujo’s Inn had to be closed down. People tried everything they can to avoid going near that place. No one in their right mind would go anywhere close to there.Stories of Zachary are told to every new person coming into town. Everyone is warned not to go near or inside the inn. If someone even takes one step into Cujo’s Inn it could be the last step they will ever take. For them it may really be,
The End
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey squirrel! CHRISSY321 here to review your little story here
I really love the idea of this story! All of the mysterious deaths, everything! Now, it seems that the Inn was already haunted before Zachary died-right? That is why he went crazy? To this I was a little confused!
Now, here is an idea: keep going with it! You can continue writing using this as an good idea:
The Inn reopens years after all the accidents. You are a traveler on your way to visit some family for two weeks, and you decide to stay at this inn. You know if it's past, and you just don't believe in all that ghost talk, ghosts don't really exist-right?
Soon weird things start happening. First almost getting hurt in many 'accidents', then weird feeling and blackouts. You blackout and when you get back you are hurt, or something is broken, but why? You strive to find the answers, but if may be more dangerous than you feared...
This is just a great starter that I just came up with to help you! Feel free to change, do what you want! It was just a starter
Now, there was only one mistake I saw at the end:
Why is it ended with a comma? I think it might be a typo though. Along with that, I also though of sort of changing the end. I think it would sound better being something like this:
"If someone even takes one step into Cujo’s Inn it could be the last step they will ever take-forever."
Or you could end with:
"If someone even takes one step into Cujo’s Inn it could be the last step they will ever take."
I really do not think that last line is really needed :/ , though that just may be my opinion.
Overall I really liked this! I think it would be a terrific start though-keep going with it! This has GREAT potential!
Keep writing!
~Chrissy <3
thank you I will work more on this
This is Yams here for a review!
From the beginning I didn't know if I liked it, but I definitely know those buildings that people avoid because they're haunted.
My main thing is that you tell the story kind of odd. You're not inside anyone's head, you're just narrating it? I definitely like this idea and this plot, but we the readers want to feel it happen. We want to experience the death of Zach in full instead of just being sort of told about it. But then again? I kind of like the way you're storytelling it in this odd way.
The faraway standpoint where you're writing from is kind of like, "I want to be more close up" as the reader but it also kind of feels like we're listening to a news report of a death, which I dunno if that's what you aimed for? But that's what it felt like to me.
I liked this short and creepy story, so have a great day and I hope this helped!
Hello there, Squirrel! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
(Ah, it's been forever since I reviewed a short story!)
A nit-pick first:
You forgot to put mans into possessive (man's).
Now the rest of the story:
(Apologies if I sound harsh! I don't mean to sound that way at all. Just trying to help.
First off, I found the beginning really confusing. You say that there's this normal man who just walks into the inn. Next paragraph. And THEN you say that some guy named Zachary walks into the in. Are these the same people or something? I think that you're going to continue on with the story after you state that this regular, totally average guy walks into the inn. Then nope. You move on to a guy with a name. Basically what I'm trying to say is that you're heading into one direction but seem to hop onto a totally different path. Assuming that they're both the same person, what you need to do is go back and fix it so you're not saying the same thing twice.
Leading from that note, I don't recommend that you tell us how this is going to 'end' right at the start. Sure, in some cases this actually works really, really well. In your case, it doesn't really work. (Sorry!) I'll tell you why:
1) You go back to the first incident/first person to walk in. If you're going to do what I mention above about switching from person to person, the line aout how this ends wouldn't work because you're jumping around a bit. So what to do to solve the problem? Remove the line.
2) I'm not seeing the whole 'price of bravery and foolishness' thing at the end. What I do see are people avoiding the inn after some guy got murdered. No lesson and no bravery.
Another thing I noticed was that you mentioned that it was really haunted where the only thing to really support that was that the guy was somehow stabbed in the end with no evidence or fingerprints and the guy who had no idea about the beer. I don't really find that that's a way to 'support' the fact that it's 'haunted'. What you could do to fix this is to remove the 'This one's really haunted' part or insert a scene that could actually support the fact that it's haunted (noises when nobody's there, a worker going out of an empty room for two minutes and comes back to it being completely wrecked, etc.). This will also improve the horror quality of it.
Going to one of my examples I have mentioned above (the employee one) now. Writing that example for you got me thinking. What about the people who work there? What about the owner(s)? Do any employees even exist? Wouldn't the owner be sad that nobody wants to go into the inn anymore? Or is the owner thing a mystery?
If it not, you should probably have a paragraph or two in there about it. Maybe they could associate with some of the other victims?
One thing that kind of bothers me is that at the start, you wrote Murder Inn Part one and at the end, you wrote the end. If you're going to have another part, there probably shouldn't be a the end and the, well, end because you're literally ending the story. Hence the end. If you're going to have another part, having the end defeats the purpose because there isn't an end; this isn't the end. So removing the end would fix that.
In the second paragraph, you list the date. That is not necessary because there really isn't anything special about that day and it's not relevant to the story. Nobody is walking around, yelling about something important that happened in that day. This story isn't about something that happened on that day. Like I said, having the date is irrelevant. I would suggest removing it.
During one of the final sentences of your story, you state that nobody goes near it and that they're scared that he first step will be their last. I'm not really seeing much to be afraid of aside from the creepy murder at the end and Quinery and the beer. There's really nothing seriously haunting about it (like I've mentioned before) for anyone to be scared of. Of course, this could be an example of how people sometimes have overactive imaginations and their brains seem to make everything worse. Of course, then there's the line in the fifth paragraph that states that the inn was an accident magnet, when really only around three more things happenings before everyone started to avoid it. I wouldn't really consider enough evidence.
Again, to fix this, you ca do what I have mentioned earlier.
One other thing that I feel that I should mention is: why are they all men? Woman are highly capable of the same types of things as men are. They can drink, get drunk, and murder. While this isn't really a piece of advice or anything, it's really just something I noticed.
Finally, I'm going to end on a more positive note!
Well that's it from me! I hope I wasn't to harsh on you. And if I was, I'm sorry and I want to tell you that I'm only trying to help you make your story even better! That's the thing about YWS: You want to make yourself better.
Stay awesome, Squirrel!
~Holographic Ladybug
Just want to say that I love that title
Hello! I'm Waddlers and I'm gonna be reviewing this incredible snippet of greatness!!! First of all, the atmosphere in this is fantastic! I felt creeped out near the beginning! And the tenses are used so well! The transitions between past and...would you say future? i don't know for sure, but the change in tenses is actually clear and understandable, which is unique and talented ability you have!
I really enjoyed how the narration is so void of all emotion and opinion; it gives the empty, haunted vibe that fits perfectly with the story. I also think the simplicity of the sentences fitted well...
BUT I think you could add detail, character and scene setting with it still being a short story. It's just that these nine paragraphs have such potential I think you could stretch it just a bit. Adding a sentence here and there about what the pub was like, what kind of weather there was and such things.
I don't think it needs that as I'm unsure how much it would effect the writing style of this short story, which as I've already said, I love!
Story; The story behind it is very intriguing; a man who turns to alcohol after the death of his wife is very realistic, believable and is an example of how weak men are to their emotions; they dont usually face them, they try to not feel them and ignore them (usually, not always, of course!) using drugs - which is something i am very interested in. The idea of this man's anger being passed on into ghost form is very spooky and i'm glad that you didn't just introduce it on the night of the fight when the police became involved; we get the whole picture that way and that's fabulous. I think the build up of anger should've taken slightly longer so we see how deadly the spirit is not only through mysterious crimes, but also through time.
I actually really enjoyed this!