Young Writers Society

Hi Squirrel! Cakerissa reporting for Reviewing!

I can relate to this. A bit. Okay, a lot. I liked how you made it short, but you still said enough. I don't think I disliked much about this poem. In grammar, I noticed that some of your lines didn't have any punctuation. If a line isn't the end of a sentence, just add a comma. Like you had this,
"Don’t ever let them know.

They can’t ever see you cry.

Keep your head down low

It isn’t even worth a try.

Empty dark room,

Good place to hide.

Close the door

So you’re the only one inside.

Quickly turn the lock

As tears start to flow.

Keep these feelings to yourself

No one needs to know."



But this is with commas,



Don’t ever let them know.

They can’t ever see you cry.

Keep your head down low,

It isn’t even worth a try.

Empty dark room,

Good place to hide.

Close the door,

So you’re the only one inside.

Quickly turn the lock,

As tears start to flow.

Keep these feelings to yourself,

No one needs to know.


Keep writing!
Cakerissa

Hey! Berry here!
Your poem is really beautiful and dramatic and I really like it! There is almost nothing that I would suggest, but I think it would be a bit better if you changed a few lines to make it flow a bit better.

"An empty dark room,
is a good place to hide,
shutting the door,
so you're the only one inside."

I believe that this is a bit better so that your lines are close in length if that makes sense. And finally perhaps you should add more punctuation, even if it's just a comma.

Other than that your poem is amazing! Keep writing!

Hello, I'm here to edit your poem! I'm going to suggest some things I think will make your poem better.
Let's begin!
I think there are a lot of unecessary words added in, I'm going to 'redo' some lines without them so you can see what I mean or if you like them. If not, hopefully they'll at least give you some ideas!

Don’t ever let them know.

They can’t ever see you cry.
They can't see you cry
Keep your head down low

It isn’t even worth a try.
It isn't worth (you could try 'the' rather than 'a' as well) try
Empty dark room,

Good place to hide.

Close the door

So you’re the only one inside.
Only you inside (this matches better with the quickness of your lines)
Quickly turn the lock

As tears start to flow.

Keep these feelings to yourself
I think you can omit feelings, and leave it slightly ambiguous, so that it can also mean the tears
No one needs to know.



Alright! Follow up question... What happens once inside the room, do you leave once the tears dry, or does it turn into a spiral where you never really leave? Could the influence of others also be likened to the room being barraged and in that way reflect not wanting any one else to get in? Perhaps you could say something to the effect of people not really realizing it's there. Or that the room is really a refuge against their ignorance of who you are? I hope these get you thinking! You've stated something so far, and now you just need to take it through the long haul....where do you end up in all of this? I liked your poem very much and hope you add more to it! Thanks for writing it. XD

I like this a lot. That being said, I do think you could make it even better! I personally would try expanding on the room. Maybe it means something besides solitude? Or even expanding on the emptiness.
Over all it is good though! Great job.

Good morning! Tulip here to review your short poem.

I liked the piece. It has simple language but it had a bigger impact on the feelings of the reader, I felt like. The one thing that I do care to really comment on is the lack of punctuation. I don't know if you did that for an effect but it seemed very distracting to me as one thought just flowed straight into another one.

One easy fix to that would to be add in some periods, so it's not over loaded with a bunch of punctuation. That way your ideas are more concrete and it doesn't all seem to blend together.

I personally can connect with this piece, as I hate when people see me cry. I feel so weak and helpless and it seems that is how people treat you a lot when they see you cry. I think being able to hide yourself away in a dark room and being by yourself when you are crying is a good way to do it.

But besides the one thing I mentioned, I really do like this poem and I can't wait to be seeing more of your works.

Keep writing,
~Tulip~