I wish for some help on the letter, it's suppose to be formal but I couldn't think of anything so I made it extremely short. Any ideas would be helpful. I plan on editing this next monday during a 6k challenge in order to have an idea.
“Freak!”
“No one wants a mistake!”
Their jeers and taunts only solidify my confidence. I am different and nothing they said could make me hate that. Even now as I stand in the snow I could see in my mind the determined glare at them. They run and laugh amongst each other, attempting to make me desperate for their friendship.
I didn't need it. Holding a white gloved hand out to the snow I marvel in its purity. Such beautiful tiny flakes they were. So delicate yet untouched until they hit the snow ground to be stomped by the stampede of foolish children. Anger bubbles in my chest and I let out a small chuckle, yes that is it. I was stronger than them. They cowered behind words and with a grin I turn away from to hear a boy ask quietly, “Why is a beautiful lady not surrounded by the others?”
I gaze upon the boy with surprise. Had he...complimented me? He leans closer to me and I caught sight of anguished eyes and upon spotting his own mismatched wings felt a twinge of sympathy.
“Because I'm unique. And so are you.” I remark softly earning a wide smile that warms my heart.
“That's because we have power they don't. After all how could a Fallen fall for a Lykran?” He sneers jokingly causing a laugh to fall from my lips.
Leaning against him I whisper, “And their hatred shall be their undoing.” I muse, leaning up to brush lips with his own, both of us smirking when we spot the others glaring.
“Hatred only brings sorrow.” Sagely words float through the air for me to hear before he bends down to meet my lips, neither caring for the others. They were nothing compared to the one who shared our loneliness.
Pulling back, I muse aloud with a smile, “Where have you been all this time?”
I let out a soft sigh upon awakening. The image of the tall red eyed boy from my dreams lingers precariously in my mind, just enough to send a flutter of warmth through my body before vanishing. Saddened by the sudden comfort’s disappearance I push the covers back and stop when my mother’s attempt at a whisper floats through the paper thin walls.
“Are you sure we can’t do anything else? She’s just a child!” I stiffen, I was the only daughter they had and that in mind I press closer to the wall, determined to figure out just what they were saying about me.
“She’s not ours, Ravin! She’s evil!” Father roars and I knew he would have his hands clenched in fists with a dark scowl.
“But, surely we can get her to enjoy the Light..” Mother trails off futilely upon the rough sound of flesh hitting wood. The loud crack the vibrates my wall frightens me backwards, and with a erratic heart I shakily drew back to the wall to listen in again.
“All she does is read. And besides she was born evil. It’s time we got rid of her.” I stare at the wall in fear.
What did he mean evil? Surely just because I read all the time couldn’t contribute so soundly to that conclusion. And how could I not be theirs? I wasn’t evil! I felt tears prick at my eyes. Not even the knowledge that my supposed mother was fighting for me could soothe the ache throbbing in my chest.
Drawing back, I curl back under the covers in attempt to quell the ragged sobs that shook my entire frame. Fingers clutch uselessly at my shirt and with a heavy heart I glance around my room with a sudden spur of contempt. The silver and black theme brings a wan smile to my face and with one last look at the wall I set to work.
Bending down to pull out my trunk from under the bed, I smirk just slightly at my foresight to buy an apartment custom trunk. Eying the room with a frown, I knew that shrinking them all would most likely waste too much energy. Thinking back on the series of runes I had developed the falling school year I rummage through the trunk to find my supplies, the boy in my oddly soothing dream still planted in my memory.
A few hours later I had finally finished painstakingly using the runic marker and my magic to embed a rune just on the surface of each and as I stand back to admire the many glowing runes I could feel the ache in my heart bleed away into acceptance. If leaving would allow me to live then I would even as the thought of leaving my mother still rips into my guilt. Maybe, when I was finally free and save I’d send a letter.
With a quick shake of my head, I clear my thoughts to swipe the runic dagger roughly against my palm, hissing softly at the pain. Pushing past it, I carefully draw the master rune onto my trunk top and with one final flick of my hand the cut was healed and I scrutinize my handiwork. It had to be right or I would lose it all and with a relieved sigh I push up off my knees to stand.
Just while I pull on my magic to create the web the sound of a flash delivery halts my hold. There by the window now sat a letter with the Lydran seal on the fold. What could the bank want with me? In my curiosity I pick up the letter and felt relief at the lack of any charms that could’ve caused a problem and with a now insatiable hunger to know what the Faeries would want with me when I had never gone to them before.
Dear Miss Tearas,
Due to enlightening circumstances I wish to hold a meeting with you this morning at 9 o’clock. Please write your response.
Sincerely yours,
Ragnork
Warchief of Lydran Bank.
Just in time. I muse with laughter dancing in my eyes. But I still have things to do so with a slight grin I turn back to the room and pull my magic forward with practiced ease. Gently curving my magic to create a giant web, I attach a tiny thread of pure magic to each of the runes and holding the glowing threads in my hand I shiver in delight. The thrill of having those threads at my finger tips just elates me so completely and with a goofy grin I secure the strands to the master rune and watch gleefully as all the items within my room vanish into the rune. A happy smile decorates my face as I open the compartment to step into the apartment with a quick glance over at the clock which read 7:15 am.
With a shove the trunk top falls while I lounge comfortably in a chair. In my hands is a spellwork journal and with a content sigh I begin to slowly flip to an open page to create another helpful potion. Only once do I move during the hour I worked which had been to feed my Death Neko who settles on my shoulder, watching as I scribble away til time to prepare for my departure.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Soul,
Sorry I’m a day late with this review. But I really enjoyed reading this – the writing is kind of beautiful and it’s overall a pretty intriguing chapter. I especially love the dream– it’s so unique in itself and created a very clear, individual image for me. However, there are a few things I would like to point out.
The first is that although I generally love the language you use, I find that in some places you tend to over-describe just a little. In some places I found that the amount of description you use (especially with adverbs and adjectives) slowed the pace of the piece a little and make it more difficult for me as a reader to truly sink into the story. Still, that can easily be sorted out by editing, especially if we’re just talking about a first draft! Perhaps some of the adverbs which aren’t quite needed could go – if it doesn’t contribute to the story or isn’t needed to give the reader a clear image, it can go!
eg:
You say that mother trails of “futilely” which I guess adds to the piece to some extent – but at the same time, I don’t feel it was necessary. Simply writing that she trailed off gives the reader a clear enough image and the “futilely” doesn’t add all that much to it. This is okay here and there, but I did notice quite a few instances like this in which it just seemed like there were extra, unnecessary words lingering there and slowing the pace.
This is the tiniest point, but I found that in some places you almost switched to past tense. In other words, there are verbs in this in the past tense which just confused me a little and I think should be changed to the present tense to keep everything clear.
Moving on, you mentioned that you needed help with the letter because it’s so brief. Personally I think the brevity is quite effective – if I were you, I’d keep it that way! Perhaps you could just add a sentence or so more – maybe about the place Ragnork was proposing to meet, or some small hint about what the “enlightening circumstances” were?
My only remaining problem with this is that after she hears her parents talking about her, she is obviously and understandably upset. As a reader, I could relate to this. However, it seems that she shifts all too soon from what you described as a state of quite intense distress to a state of contentment and being perfectly fine. I suggest that you either tone down the level of distress her parents’ words caused her or add in some more suggestions of how that continued to play on her mind at least a little – if you heard your parents saying something like that, would you forget it within hours or would you feel at least some discomfort and fear about it?
I think that’s just about all! I hope that none of this seems too harsh; I really did enjoy this and I think your writing is beautiful, but I wanted to point out everything that I think needs to be or could be fixed. This is an interesting chapter – I’d definitely love to see where you go with it next! Keep going with it.
~Mist~
AMAZING! I think you have really improved! I love it! I like how you entered all the emotion. I can REALLY feel what the main character is feeling. Great job as always Soul. <3 keep it up! (ps.I told ya i'd have time!)
-Pixi-Stix!! <3333