A day later, when classes resumed after the monthly Frenzy, Solea found Sergius leaning on the back wall of Madam Burl’s language class.
Solea had thought she had calmed down, but when she saw Sergius again, sitting near her usual seat, his bloodstained arm peeking out from underneath his cloak, she froze. For a mad moment, she hesitated at the classroom’s entrance, wondering if she should run away.
Then Alainna grabbed her arm, casting a suspicious look at Sergius. “Here,” she said in her usual imperious voice, pulling her along. “Sit with me. I need my handmaid today.”
The last person who arrived was Madam Burl, dressed in her midnight blue widow’s dress. When she spotted Sergius, a flicker of a smile crossed her face. She walked to her desk, which was cluttered with somber portraits and dying flowers, and cleared her throat. In Diamean, she said, “Class, I am honored to introduce to you Sergius, one of Diamea’s sons. Please stand and welcome him.”
Since Madam Burl spoke so quickly, half the class sat in their chairs, confused, while the other half, including Solea, only gave him a half-hearted curtsy.
Alainna remained sitting.
Sergius rose and scowled around the classroom. In Diamean, he asked, “What? Half the class, including the Lady, has no manners?”
Alainna sniffed. “The Lady curtsies to no one.”
Sergius scowled. “Indeed.” He glanced around, his gaze lingering on the posters of overly happy White Swans in their human forms, demonstrating proper lip shapes for vowels. “I will be blunt. I am here due to a recent incident at the Lady’s birthday party. While I unfortunately could not attend, I heard about the shameful incidents that occurred in my absence.”
Sergius paused and looked around the classroom. Most of the class stared at him blankly.
“Who here understands me?” Sergius asked, still speaking in Diamean. “Raise your hands.”
Madam Burl raised her hand hesitantly, glancing over her class. At her example, six of the fifteen girls raised their hands, including Solea and Alainna.
Sergius turned to Madam Burl furiously. “Only six students understand me?”
Madam Burl cringed. “The Lady knows the language.”
“Yes, and I heard both she and Solea used that language to make fools of themselves at her birthday party.” Sergius turned to Solea furiously. “Did you really refuse to kneel to your father when he gave you his gift?”
Solea winced.
Sergius spun toward Alainna and pulled a letter from his pocket. “And you! You sent us Swans a wish list demanding gifts from us, as if you were a miserable Conqueror. Then, when Uclepidies gave you a gift, you had a tantrum and threw it at his head!”
Alainna crossed her arms. “Uclepidies gave me a bloodstained cloak and expected me to thank him.”
“So?” Sergius asked, scoffing. “He’s a Black Swan! You never reject their gifts. Ever! Even the first Conqueror, as rebellious as she was, gracefully accepted the rotting, dismembered rats the Black Swans gave her.” When Alainna only scowled, he flung down her wish list. “You knocked him to the ground! You’re lucky his blood didn’t start a wild Frenzy!”
Alainna flinched. “But—”
“Tell me, Alainna,” Sergius said, cutting her off. “What do you know about being the Lady? Or have you been too busy indulging your newfound power to care?”
Alainna drew herself up. “As the Lady, I am destined to marry Diamea and kill the last Conqueror, thus restoring peace and balance to the world.”
Sergius snorted. “No. You are destined to meet Diamea. You’ll only marry him if you’re successful, which is hardly guaranteed.”
Madam Burl stepped forward. “When I spoke with the headmistress, she said the Swans wanted to hire a tutor for you—”
“Not quite,” Sergius interrupted, drawing his lips tight. “That was our conditional agreement, depending on certain circumstances.”
Madam Burl blinked. “Conditional agreement?”
Sergius smiled faintly and turned to Solea. “Solea? Please come here.”
Solea shrank into her seat.
“You’re not in trouble,” Sergius said when Solea hesitated. “However, the agreement I made with the headmistress is contingent on you.” He glared at Madam Burl. “You see, Solea’s hands were bleeding at the Lady’s birthday party, thanks to your caning. Which means, since she has Swan blood, you also nearly caused a wild Frenzy!”
While the classroom murmured, Madam Burl’s eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to hurt the Lady! Just, Solea called me stupid—”
Sergius turned furiously to Solea. “Why did you call her stupid?”
For a mad moment, Solea considered not responding, or perhaps even defending her teacher. Still, when she saw Madam Burl glare at her, she sat up. “I called her stupid because she insisted Black and White Swans spoke different languages.”
Sergius spun towards Madam Burl. “Is that why you caned her?” When Madam Burl only cowered, he slammed his hand on her desk. “She called you stupid because you are stupid! How can a Diamean teacher not know that we Swans speak the same language? Worse, you knew she had Swan blood, yet, you bled her anyway, like a miserable Conqueror, and exposed the Lady to danger! Or do you think bleeding Swans is appropriate?”
As he spoke, he flipped back his cloak, revealing his bloodstained arm. With a shock, Solea realized his bloody arm — the same arm that terrified her — meant someone had once bled him into a Black Swan. What she had perceived as a threat was only an old wound.
When Madam Burl only whimpered, Sergius paced. “Just now, the headmistress and I agreed you can continue teaching—on one condition. If Solea’s hands have healed, you can keep your position.” He turned to Solea. “Well? Show us your hands!”
Everyone looked at Solea.
Solea shrank away. Part of her wanted to show her wounds if only to be vindicated. But as she stared at Sergius’s cold eyes, she realized she couldn’t trust him. He knew her hands were bleeding before he set his conditions. Which meant he had never intended to give Madam Burl a chance for redemption.
Solea swallowed hard and nodded to Madam Burl. “What will happen to her?”
Sergius glared at her. “Whatever she deserves! Now, let’s see your hands!”
Solea sat on her hands and shook her head furiously.
“Wrong answer,” Sergius said, striding toward her. He grabbed her arm, wrenching her hand out from under her, and held it up for the class to see. Then he glared at Madam Burl. “Look! They’re still bleeding! Since when did it become acceptable to torture your students?”
Madam Burl began to cry.
Sergius turned to Solea, still holding her arm. “Here, let me heal you.” Then, without waiting for a reply, he spat on her hands.
Solea gasped as her hands turned hot with his magic and tried to wiggle out of his grip. “No, stop—”
Sergius made a face when Solea’s hands didn’t heal immediately. “Of course. Swan blood. It never heals right.” He held her wrists tighter, rubbing his spittle into her wound. When Solea finally yanked her hands free, they were raw, but healed.
Sergius turned to the class. In their native language, he said, “It has become increasingly clear that Madam Burl lacks the stability necessary to teach. Thus, in ten days, I will install a new teacher worthy of this establishment.”
Madam Burl’s face grew white. “But—”
“It is decided,” Sergius said. “You will be replaced. We only need to finalize our choice.”
Madam Burl sat down and buried her head in her hands, sobbing, while Solea shifted uncomfortably. She had never liked Madam Burl. Indeed, she had often prayed for some calamity that would force her to retire. However, her stomach churned as she watched Madam Burl be tormented by the same Swan who had once tormented her.
Sergius tightened his lips and glared at the class. “Unless there are any questions, class is dismissed.”
Solea shrank down in her seat, feeling guilty, and looked around. Most of the other girls watched Sergius with undisguised horror. But Alainna stood up, raising her chin.
“Who is our new replacement?”
Sergius grimaced. “A competent teacher.”
“That wasn’t my question! What is her name?” When Sergius only glared at her, Alainna said, “You asked Solea earlier to tell Uclepidies to stand down. Does he disagree with your replacement?”
Sergius tightened his lips. “Uclepidies’s opinion is irrelevant.”
“I disagree!” Alainna snapped. “Uclepidies is the only Swan whose opinion matters since he’s the only Swan with family enrolled in this school! Yet, you are trying to dismiss his opinion, or else forcibly change it. Why?”
Sergius gave her a curt bow. “Any other questions?”
“Yes!” Alainna said, raising her voice. “Why won’t you allow our headmistress to select a new teacher? Why are the Swans so involved? Is our new teacher a Swan?”
“If there are no further questions, class is dismissed!” As Sergius left, he slammed the door behind him.
While most of the class rushed to comfort Madam Burl, Solea and Alainna turned to each other. Then Alainna slung her bag over her shoulder and nodded to her. “Come on! You’re the one who knows Sergius best. Let’s stop him!”
*****
“So, what’s our plan?” Solea asked, hurrying after Alainna. “Should we go to the headmistress?”
“No, not her,” Alainna said, annoyed. “Sergius already met her, and she crumpled. We need someone else with more power. Someone strong enough to stand against Sergius.”
Solea snorted. “Diamea, perhaps? Because he might be the only one who can stand against him.”
Alainna scowled. “Oh, stop being silly! I’m still trying to think of something.”
Solea suddenly stopped, glaring at Alainna. “You realize any plan you make against Sergius has to be perfect. He’s the one who organized a massive, centuries-long genocide against people with Swan blood, just to stop the Conquerors, nearly killing me in the process! If you think you can stop him by prancing about and reminding him you’re the Lady, you’re delusional!”
“I’ll figure it out!” Alainna said, waving her hand. “But never mind! Let’s talk about it in private.”
They rounded the corner, and Solea realized they were heading to her room. “Why are we going here?”
“Because I hate my room.” Alainna pushed open Solea’s door and tossed her satchel onto Solea’s bed. “There! Isn’t that cozy?”
Solea glanced around her room, with its over-sized, ornate furniture crammed into a tiny space, and shrugged. “That’s a nice way of saying it.” She took her satchel off her shoulder and hung it neatly on the peg by her door.
The same peg that held the cloak Uclepidies gave her at Alainna’s birthday party.
When Alainna spotted the cloak, she froze.
Solea blushed, remembering the birthday party, and hurriedly stashed it under her pillow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Alainna tilted up her chin and sniffed. “Don’t bother! I don’t care about that ratty old cloak. Now tell me what you know about Sergius. Can we trust him?”
Solea sat down on her bed and scrunched up her face. “Not at all!”
“Still, do you think he was lying when he told us those things? Like when he said I’m not guaranteed to marry Diamea?”
Alainna looked so pale and nervous that Solea couldn’t help but pity her. “I’m not sure. I’ve never read the prophecy, though he’s probably right about that. He’s an expert on Conquerors, and since your prophecy involves Conquerors, he probably knows everything about that too.”
Alainna stared out the window at the city stretched out below. It was a late summer day, and even without looking, Solea knew the port would be full of boats with their sails unfurled, bobbing along the sparkling sea.
“You said Sergius usually works with potential Conqueror cases, right?” Alainna asked after a minute. “Why is he here?”
Solea made a face. “Usually, he collects Indeterminates and tries to find hidden Conquerors among them. That’s how I first met him, since Uclepidies hadn’t claimed me as his daughter. And I don’t know why he’s here. Maybe he ran out of people to kill, so he switched careers?”
Alainna suddenly frowned. “How many Indeterminates are there?”
Solea shrugged. “Hundreds of thousands, at least.”
Alainna raised her eyebrow. “Out of all those Indeterminates, there’s only one Conqueror left, since I am prophesied to defeat the last Conqueror, right?”
Solea nodded.
“So why is Sergius suddenly interested in schoolroom politics instead of identifying the last Conqueror?”
Solea winced. “Perhaps he wants to play with prophecy.”
Alainna swore. “Have I mentioned how much I hate this prophecy? I thought it was bad enough that it would force me to fall in love with an utter stranger! But this is worse.”
Solea snorted. “Utter stranger? Why, Diamea reborn would be no stranger to you! Supposedly, you’ll fall in love with him as soon as you meet.”
Alainna glared at her. “May I remind you that Diamea has been reborn as a random man with no memories of his past life? When I meet him, he’ll be a stranger to me!”
Solea only huffed and rolled her eyes.
“But never mind!” Alainna continued, blushing. “Let me tell you my idea! You know how Sergius said he wanted you to talk with your father? Well, what if we visit Uclepidies?”
Solea balked. “You’re joking.”
“No, listen!” Alainna said, sitting close to Solea. “Remember what Sergius said? Before class, he asked you to tell your father to stop being stubborn. Then in class, he said they were still choosing the replacement. I’d wager your father is standing in his way!”
Solea groaned. “We can’t talk with him! He can’t speak, remember? Besides, weren’t you just angry with him a moment ago for how he treated you at your party?”
“Oh, bother the party!” Alainna said, scowling. “If I can set aside my grievance with you, I can set aside my grievance with him. And you know exactly what I mean by talking with him. He would possess Theron, of course.”
Solea flinched at the casual mention of Theron’s possession and gritted her teeth. “Still, the headmistress would never let us out for a visit with Sergius around without his approval!”
Alainna raised her chin. “But I’m the Lady!”
Solea glared at her. “Didn’t I just say you can’t rely on your title if you want to stop Sergius?”
Alainna slumped down and scowled. “Well, do you have a better idea?”
Solea shrugged. “Perhaps we can write a letter.”
Alainna nodded, looking relieved. “That might work! After all, the headmistress can’t stop us from writing to our family.” She tilted her head. “Who would we be writing the letter to? Uclepidies?”
Solea hesitated. Grudgingly, she admitted her father was the best choice. After Sergius had imprisoned her, Uclepidies had been the one to stand against him and demand Solea’s freedom. Besides, he was not afraid of defying his siblings. After all, hadn’t he defended the first Conqueror from them, even breaking his body in a futile rescue attempt to save her from dissolving in a lake filled with acid?
Yet the thought of asking him for anything mortified her. Had not Sergius imprisoned her, he would have never stepped up as her father, instead letting Theron — her human father, she thought bitterly — raise her instead while she happily lived in ignorance. Nor would she have ever learned that Theron, whom she had loved as a father, was possessed by Uclepidies.
“Not Uclepidies,” Solea said, struggling to think of another name. “Maybe someone else.”
“Why not him?” Alainna said, curling her lip. “After all, we can write as many letters home as we want, and since Uclepidies lives at my mother’s home—”
“He doesn’t live in your mother’s house,” Solea said bitterly. “She lives in his house. He bought it for himself and lets Theron and your mother stay there rent-free.”
Alainna sniffed. “Oh, stop being pedantic. You know what I mean!”
“Besides, we can’t trust Uclepidies!” Solea said, gritting her teeth. “He sold out his family to the first Conqueror, nearly causing the destruction of the world!”
Alainna waved her hand. “That was thousands of years ago! Everyone forgave him.”
“Besides, there are other, more trustworthy Swans who can help us. Like my godparents, Archondid and Eurodities. They’re the nicest Swans I know.”
Alainna snorted. “They’re nice, but too passive. They wouldn’t stand up to Sergius.”
“Eurodities isn’t passive. She’s the one who poisoned the first Conqueror’s lake with acid and pushed her in.”
Alainna raised an eyebrow. “Are you talking about the same lake that crippled your father?”
Solea blushed. “Well, yes. Though he only went in because the Conqueror possessed him and begged him to save her. Not that it helped. Anyway, if anyone is strong enough to help us, it’s Eurodities!”
Alainna sniffed. “That happened years ago, before she was bled. She might have been a brave White Swan, but she isn’t a brave Black Swan, and Archondid is even more passive than her. Besides, neither of them pushed against Sergius’s plan, otherwise, Sergius would mention them too. But he only mentioned Uclepidies. So let’s write him a letter!” Alainna offered her a quill. “Unless you have a better plan.”
Solea gritted her teeth and snatched the quill away. “Fine!” She tore off a sheet of paper and uncorked a bottle of ink. “What should I write?”
Alainna peered over her shoulder. “Start by telling him about Sergius, then ask for more details.”
Biting her lip, Solea dipped her quill and wrote:
Dear Father,
I hope this letter finds you well.
Your brother, Sergius, requested that I tell you to let him teach me how to fly, though I am not sure what he means. Perhaps you can remind him gently that I am a human and my hopes of flying are limited, preferably before he shoves me off a cliff.
Sincerely,
Solea
Alainna squinted at the letter over Solea’s shoulder. “You forgot the part where Sergius is trying to take over our school and implement an evil language teacher over us. Also, you could ask him what Sergius is planning.”
Solea scowled. “I don’t want to ask.”
“But that’s the entire point of the letter! Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“He gets annoyed and attacks me?” When Alainna made a face, Solea offered her the quill. “If you don’t like it, you can write it!”
“Hush, let me concentrate!” Alainna reread the letter, frowning. “Why did you sign it with ‘sincerely?’ You’re his daughter! Shouldn’t you sign it with love?”
Solea shrugged. “He’ll understand. We’re not close.”
Alainna scowled. “I don’t understand you sometimes, Solea. Even when your mother died, Uclepidies never abandoned you. He might not have taken care of you directly, since he’s too broken. Still, he arranged for Theron to adopt you and take care of you instead. He just gave you a priceless feather from Diamea. What more do you want?”
Solea’s face grew hot. “I don’t know.”
Alainna stood up to pace, pausing at the old cloak, still stuffed under the pillow. “My father? He left as soon as my mother told him she was pregnant. I’m the Lady now, and he still hasn’t contacted me. When I was younger, I used to dream he would rescue me from—you know. But he didn’t. And now I see you and—well, you know you’re ridiculous, don’t you?”
“Yes,” said Solea, slumping her shoulders.
Alainna pulled out the cloak, revealing the dull crystal brooch. The crystal was cloudy and flat, set in a tarnished lattice frame. “What did Uclepidies say happened when you touched the stone?”
“He said that it showed the color of Diamea’s dreams,” Solea said, remembering how it turned violent purple under her fingertips when she had first touched it.
Alainna touched the stone, and it turned dark brown. Then she sighed, tracing the silver latticework along the brooch. “I am an idiot. I was so annoyed with the other Black Swans when they gave me those stupid books that I lost my temper at Uclepidies. Then, after everything happened, he pulled out the brooch and—”
Alainna stopped abruptly.
“Here,” Solea said, walking to the cloak. “I will give you the brooch if you let me keep the cloak.” She unpinned the brooch and tried to hand it to Alainna.
Alainna scowled. “You’re joking.”
“I’m not!” Solea said, holding out the brooch for Alainna. “Uclepidies might have given me this, but we know he only did that to spite you. It is a gift better suited for the Lady.” She swallowed hard and tried to smile. “Besides, the only thing I want is the cloak.”
Alainna took the brooch and narrowed her eyes. “You want that ratty cloak?”
Solea nodded, stroking its fabric and blushing. “It’s one of the few things I have left from my mother,” she admitted when Alainna raised her eyebrow. “They say my mother went crazy when she was pregnant with me and threw away almost everything she owned. I have some things from her, like her wooden cooking spoons and copper cooking pot. But I thought her clothes and jewelry were lost. So when Uclepidies brought out the cloak—”
She stopped abruptly.
Alainna’s face softened. “Then keep it. Perhaps you were meant to have it after all.” She pinned the brooch back onto the cloak and turned to Solea’s letter. “So you don’t want to write Uclepidies a letter?”
Solea winced. “Only if I have no other choice.”
“Then I will.” Alainna sat at the desk and crumpled Solea’s letter. For a minute, she chewed the nib of Solea’s quill. Finally, taking out a clean sheet, she wrote in a messy scrawl:
Dear Uclepidies,
First, I am very sorry for attacking you and for rejecting your gifts at my party. I hope you will forgive me.
I am writing to you because Sergius visited our school today, and I don’t trust him. He insulted me and refused to answer any of my questions regarding his intentions for our education. Furthermore, he bullied and belittled your daughter, Solea.
When we talked, he implied you were trying to stop him from taking over the school. We would like to know his intentions along with your plans to stop him, in case we can help. Please write soon.
Yours truly,
Alainna
“There!” she said, throwing down the quill. “It’s direct and asks for something specific. Best, it doesn’t end with that awful ‘sincerely.’ Though I don’t think I’m close enough to claim his love.”
“You’re the Lady,” Solea said bitterly. “Doesn’t that make you his mother?”
Alainna glared at her. “Don’t you dare take that tone! You know how tenuous our relationship is. Remember, the only thing he gave me for my birthday was a bloody face!” She tucked her letter into an envelope. “There! Let’s see if Uclepidies can help us stop him!”
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A quick note! I revised this chapter on February 13, 2026! (I changed the title, moved a scene that used to be in chapter 1 here, and trimmed A LOT because nobody likes info dumping.)
Well call me intrigued from the summary alone, Snoink =D
I like that. And it kinda makes me wish you’d cut of chapter 1 after the line I mentioned even more. Bc then this chapter could really lean heavily into the threat Sergius poses. Feels like it kinda detangles and streamlines the plotpoints a bit!(I usually don’t notice the summary since I pull the chapter links from my endless excel spreadsheet but something compelled me to check this one and I was not disappointed)
I find this idea of Diamea very intriguing. I assumed he’s some sorta deity but then you can literally actually talk to him and receive an answer (if you’re bold enough) and also Alainna might actually really marry him… Or we’re all just talking in metaphors that I’m just taking way to literal.
Oh now THIS is compelling stuff for stopping Sergius:
Love that Alainna just casually misappropriates Solea’s room with such flair!
(I still was a bit confused when you wrote “her room” since I was fully convinced her was referring to Alainna at first ^^°)
With how the sentence first began, I expected a deeper explanation on just how tiny her room is here: “ into a tiny space,”
Okay here: “remembering how her father had given her the cloak, “ you repeat the word “cloak” for the third sentence in a row and also this kinda doesn’t really help the plot. We know that Uclepidies gave Alainna the cloak at this disastrous birthday party—so if you used this aside to reveal some other cool info about that party, it would be much more appreciated :3
(also again, at first I thought “her cloak” would refer to the other girl here @.@ Like Uclepidies gave Solea her own cool cloak instead of it being the one Alainna rejected xd)
I feel like this is an excellent moment for her to say this: I like it!
I also like how it comes so so much across that Alainna is super entitled with her position!
Hmmm you know what… I wonder if you could get away with just using the Uclepidies name until this moment: where you can casually reveal that he’s her father. Idk if that would work tho…
Wait is that the same brooch that was mentioned earlier? “Didn’t he give you that priceless, magical brooch made from Diamea’s old feather?” Why are they talking as if this is a new object then? This confuses this foreigner here @.@
I like how you continue this conversation tho! That feels very natural and the necessary information comes smoothly and unforced :3
Awwww ☹
Hmm I know it technically works but this sentence feels a bit odd considering we are in Solea’s POV: “Then, after a minute passed and Solea was still crying,”
Okay less fond of this info drop: “ My father? He left as soon as my mother told him“ Presumably Solea knows this. And oh I remember you wrote in a post that you are not good with internal narration so this would be a good moment to apply it: Have Alainna say: “Remember/You know abt my father” and then have Solea narrate abt how he left Alainna’s mother. And maybe add how Solea feels abt that –or maybe how she lacks feeling on this atm bc her own anger and pain are too strong. Would all be compelling stuff :3
That is some solid friendshiping Alainna is doing here: “Your father might be strange, but at least you have one.” I like it :3
I kinda feel like this is also TMI here again: “ I have your father, Theron, and you have my mother, and I suppose we have each other as sisters”
Okay you are confusing me about what the characters think, know and suspect. Because the entire time the two of them are “oh no this Sergius guy, super fishy, super evil, must stop him” and now you come with “How much can we trust him?” – like… I thought we aren’t trusting him with 0 reason given? Something’s not right in how you reveal information or how you structured these plot points.
I think this all stems from the fact that they never once really explained why they suspect him at all. I said that the beginning of this chapter gave good reasons but now I am less convinced of them. I think it’s also that these two shift their views on him bc we actually don’t have all the context for what’s really happening ☹
Or or, maybe it really is that Solea is such a nonexistent narrator. It’s her job to guide readers into what to think and feel about certain plot points or what other characters (or she herself!) are saying and there’s just… nothing coming from her.
Ok this is like the third time they ask this question to unsatisfying answers and hemming and hawing and it’s starting to rly irritate me: It feels like we haven’t moved an INCH from the end of last chapter and we’re basically half-way through this one and still threading the same ground.
“So, instead of directly disobeying him, some White Swans took in human orphans under their wings and transformed them into Swans“ Ohhh that is such an interesting thought! I love the implications of this ~
Hmmmm I’m not sure I understand how this relates to that tho: “But then she thought of Uclepidies and bit her tongue.” I suppose the explanation will come later? If yes, don’t mind me, I will wait patiently for it!
Well aren’t we jumping to conclusions here, Alainna xd Who’s to say that there aren’t a million of them left and you are just gonna slay the very last one of them? :3
I like this discussion of free will (in love) vs predestined prophesied love. I always like it when characters discuss their positions on this, especially if they differ from mine ^^
Ohh so many questions: Alainna, isn’t that also what happened to you? You don’t sound like someone who can rely on vast memories of previous lives.
Next questions: Are the genders really so rigid? Will the Lady always be a girl and Diamea always a guy? Will they always fall in love with each other? Is it really sex AND gender based or just gender? Or just sex? Intriguing stuff!
Oh I am here for finally meeting Uclepidies in person! I want to see him in action and see for myself how strange he acts!
Actually I don’t know when she said that: “Didn’t I just say you can’t rely on your status if you want to stop Sergius’s plan?” It feels like this is missing info.
Ok this is super interesting and juicy stuff but … again, why is she saying it like that and NOW? This is all stuff that doesn’t belong in dialogue and instead in narration.
Also, the disappointment I feel as they aren’t gonna see Uclepides AWW
Hmm I must say after the initial setup I lost interest in their endless dialogue. You barely describe anything, you barely use the environment and the characters sometimes talk more like they’re exposition machines than real people which is very noticeable here. It’s just not very engaging and also not very good for me keeping up with all the important information you’re handing out in their speech ☹
That said, I feel like the idea of the incident at the birthday party is much better conveyed here, over multiple angles and instances. That’s much more interesting than in your previous version.
Oh that sounds so cool: “She’s the one who poisoned the first Conqueror’s lake with acid and pushed her in.” Also makes me rather want to read about that.
And there were ~consequences~ to that action besides getting rid of a conqueror. This keeps getting better and better!
And the conqueror possessed someone to save herself?? Oh my! Where can I read more of this????
Hmmm either you are really trying to hammer home that these two are super passive or you might not want Solea to repeat herself like this: “X isn’t passive!”
Love Solea’s letter. I just like this slight edge she puts in there. Had to grin the entire time I read it (and reread it!)
Lol: “Is that why you make me do your homework?”
And that Alainna immediately changes the topic xd
…and you can tell so much when a character stops being a character and becomes “insert exposition here” ☹
This on the other hand: Is so full of genuine emotion and it works so well and I can feel her frustration over Solea’s behaviour and her own longing, so I know you can write your characters well. You’re really good when you don’t want to [lacking an adequate adjective. Why is there no real translation of “auf Biegen und Brechen” or “krampfhaft”. I ran out of English to describe my feelings qq] fit in exposition where it arguably doesn’t belong.
“He said that it showed the color of Diamea’s dreams,” I love that description!
I also love this realization from Alainna, showing glimpses of becoming a good leader: “I was so annoyed with the other Black Swans when they gave me those stupid books that I lost my temper when Uclepidies gave me his.”
A btw if you have the dash ending of speech in the previous sentence and then use abruptly in this: “Alainna stopped abruptly.” It made me think that something actively stopped her, like something bad has happened, and not that she stops bc of the painful memory.
This one is also really good: I like how this fits so well into the current scene!
…and then she also stops abruptly …
Aww I still think Solea’s letter is lovely:
Anything Alainna writes will not be able to compete with it =D
Does Uclepidies have more than one daughter?
Hmm come to think of it, I am still unsure why they immediately jumped to the conclusion that the position of Uclepidies that Sergius is so frustrated by is really in regards to the new teacher…
All in all, I didn’t quite enjoy this chapter as much as I hoped in the beginning :/ It has its moments of emotion and impact but I’m still too much in the dark abt what the swans actually are and how I should feel about them.
PS: Why is the name Uclepidies so hard for me? I had to copy and paste his name for every instance because I cant get the letters right.
PPS: I keep taking longer and longer for these reviews lol
Oh whoops! I was rereading your review to make my newest revision (in my master copy...) fixed some of your comments, and I realized I didn't respond! Anyway, thank you so much for all your comments! It was very very helpful! (Also, you'll be happy that your advice overlapped with my husband's advice... he was like, "Um... you know there's something called narration you can use to give us information so your dialogue isn't so weird?" XD)
Anyway, thank you so much!
P.S. Also... I looked up %u201Cauf Biegen und Brechen%u201D and %u201Ckrampfhaft%u201D and maybe something like, I can write when I'm trying to force all the information in? Maybe trust the reader? XD These are comments I get from my husband too, so I feel like you might be his alt account, EXCEPT it's maple season and there's no way he can keep up this review pace during this time, LOL.
Just a very minor nitpick here, perhaps I’ll return later to do a proper review. Sorry.
Typically, style guides generally recommend no spaces around an em-dash unless they’re in a pair and they’re being used as parentheticals.
So for instance, here both em-dashes should have no spaces surrounding them. “When I was younger, I used to dream my father would rescue me from — you know. But he never came. And now I see you and — well, you know you’re ridiculous, don’t you?”
Thank you! They always looked wrong to me and I was never sure why. But also, I didn't know if I could play with the grammar without invalidating everything else. So this explains a lot!
No problem! It was stressful having to learn this stuff taking on a job as an editor in chief of a publication, now I must pass on the gifts hahaha