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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Chapter 6 - Princess Irene - Scar ; Chapter 7 - Princess Irene - Paranoia ; Chapter 8 - Princess Irene - Kidnapped!

by Skywind555


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter 6 – Princess Irene - Scar

"Kai…" someone says in a familiar voice.

I open my eyes slowly, noticing that my vision is blurry for some reason. I smile in front of a warm nostalgic face before saying, "I missed you…"

I lean towards her while preparing my lips for a kiss.

"Eh?"

I stop right before I reach her lips. Suddenly, the clattering of a wagon resounds in my ears, and I feel small vibrations from under my bottom. Am I in…a wagon…? That's right… I decided to take a nap and…

I close my eyes and open them again several times, slowly realizing that the person in front of me is Irene. My face gets progressively hotter. I lean back towards the right corner of my seat in a hurry, still feeling my heart beating abnormally loud. That was a close one… I almost kissed Irene thinking it was her in a dream. Oh shit, was I awake when I said that?

I gulp as I make eye contact with Irene. "Irene, did you call my name?"

"N-no… Why?" Irene asks as she sits back in her seat. She's looking away from me.

What's she so nervous about…? Did she hear what I said? Why would she lie? I avoid looking at her directly. "Ne-never mind… What were you doing just now anyway?"

"Um, I thought you were crying, so I leaned in closer to make sure. Then suddenly you leaned forward…" Irene blushes as she puts her hands on her cheeks all while turning completely away from me.

My face cools down when I make the connection. Oh, that's why she's nervous… I'm being too paranoid about this…

I sigh. Wait… I'm crying…?

I knit my eyebrows together as I touch my face with my hand. Huh…? Tears…? Why was I…

I look down on the ground and discover the white mask I wore earlier. I furrow my eyebrows and stare intently on the mask. We use these masks whenever we carry out our mission. It's a white mask with open eye sockets with a black snake on the right side. The tail of the snake starts on the same level as the mouth, around the cheek it has one curl, and the rest of the body runs upward towards the top portion of the mask. The head is turned towards the center of the forehead with its tongue out.

I grit my teeth and gradually snarl, progressively biting my teeth harder as I clench my fists all while remembering my first encounter with it.

"Kai, you're making a scary face…"

I look up and find Irene frowning. I relax and wipe my tears with my hand. "Sorry, I was thinking about something…"

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah… I guess you could say that." Her lips are shaking. I sigh, knowing what she wants to ask. "I don't wanna talk about it, so don't ask me."

"Sorry…"

"You don't need to apologize," I say in a slightly irritated tone.

"Sorry…" I frown as I feel veins popping out of my head. I rapidly tap my finger on my lap as she switches between looking at me and the open seat next to me.

What does she want from me? I open my eyes widely at her as I turn both of my palms upward all while signaling my body that she has my full attention.

"Oh, um… I just wanted to say that you don't seem like a bad person… I saw your sleeping face, and it seemed so gentle."

For some reason, the tension eases from my shoulders. I sigh before asking, "What part about me is gentle? I kill people without a second thought, and I work for the most wanted man in the world. I'm a bad person…"

Irene crosses her arms as she looks away and pouts. "Nope, I think you're a good person."

"Listen here…"

The convoy stops as something loud rumbles outside. As Irene falls forward, I slide towards the left side of my seat, catching her before she collides with the empty space on my seat. Her feminine, fragrant scent enters my nose as I feel her chest pressing against mine. I smile shamelessly as I unconsciously flare my nostrils.

She blushes when she raises her head with her hands on my chest. "Oh, thank you."

"No problem," I say with a smile. What was that sound? I better check with Leila. I wanna stay like this for a while longer, though…

"Umm… You can let me go now…"

"Ah, sure," I say and sigh. Fun time is over…

I let go of my embrace. After, Irene sits back in her seat and looks away.

"Stay in here and don't make any noise," I instruct. Irene nods. I get up, quietly open the door, and then close it. I walk towards the front of the wagon.

"Leila what's going…" I stop mid-sentence when a familiar scene plays out in front of me. There are at least 30 of them, equipped with mostly leather gear. They wield various types of weapons including swords, axes, clubs, bows, and shields. Magicians are included among them, who probably caused this crater in the middle of the path.

One of them asks, "Hey, I thought there were supposed to be like around 15 of them?"

And another says, "Who cares, this'll be easier now, and now there's a bonus."

Bonus…? Ah, they must be talking about Leila. They snicker at us as they slowly approach us on both sides of around the crater; into the forest. I purse my lips as I turn my head towards Leila, who appears to be calmly collected. I'm surprised that didn't hit the wrong nerve…considering…

"Just give up, we have you outnumbered by more than 30. Give us the princess in the convoy and we won't kill you."

I drop my thought and ponder about what he just said while frowning and knitting my eyebrows together. How do they know…that Princess Irene is in the convoy…? It appears they knew of Dae's group coming back to Xantho, but how'd they know he was bringing back the princess?

I flush out my thoughts for now and draw my blades. I won't even need to use my magic for this.

"I'll take the left side, stay here and protect Irene." Leila nods and I rush into the left forest. I jump high into the air towards my first target, who is full of openings. I prepare my strike with both arms behind my head. With full force, I use the combined momentum of my fall and arm strength to make two clean deep vertical cuts through his entire torso. I land on both of my feet with bent knees.

I don't give them any time to prepare for my next attack as I kick forward, quickly accelerating into a sprint again. When I see a small volley of arrows heading towards me, I dodge using sidesteps while still running. After I dodge the last arrow, a blade approaches me from above. I react quickly enough to redirect the force of his attack with my left sword so that it misses me. Immediately afterward, I cleanly cut through his abdomen with a horizontal slash. At this point, I realize that he was hiding on top of a tree waiting to ambush me. Sneaky bastard.

I sidestep to avoid colliding with his body and charge into my next opponent. His eyes widen as I redirect his attack with one blade and slide the other through his throat. I repeat this pattern with the enemies afterward. Within a few seconds, there are only two left on this side. The one closer to me suddenly drops his bow.

"Mo-monster! Run!" he screams as he turns his back to me. I quickly catch up to him and stab him through the heart with my left blade. I pull out my sword as he starts losing his balance, eventually falling forward revealing the last bandit behind him. I slowly walk towards him as his comrades' blood continues to drip from my blades. He drops his weapon and falls backward.

"Wa-wa-wait! I don't know ho-how much you're being paid, but we'll give you half of what we received! No, we'll give you all of it! Do-don't kill me, please..."

I ignore him and continue to walk towards him. Screams and explosions resound from the other side; it must have been Leila taking care of her side. I should probably ask him how he knows about Irene. I think of something to say before opening my mouth. "Hey ho—"

"St-stop! Lo-look I know someone who can make a fortune selling female Elves. Just betray her and you'll be set for life!"

I close my eyes as an old memory flashes through my mind. I grit my teeth as I feel an old scar from my chest tingle. While frowning, I narrow my eyes in disgust. I stare at him for a few seconds then kick him in the face to lay him flat on the ground.

"Argh!" When he covers his face with both hands, I proceed to step on his abdomen with my right foot. I reverse the grip on my right sword, lean forward, and slowly pierce his right bicep. He instinctively tries to cover his arm with his left hand that reveals his bloodied, broken nose.

"Ahhh!" He cries out as I dig my sword deeper into the ground. I kick and step on his left arm, and slowly pin it down like I did with his other arm. While sweating and gasping for air, all other noise from the world disappears from my mind, including his screams, and I focus only on making this man have the most miserable death possible. When I take out my skinning knife, I grin and laugh sinisterly.

He struggles in vain as I tightly grab his left hand. With the skinning knife, I slowly and carefully cut off the fingernail of his thumb while minimizing the amount of flesh that needs to be sliced. His veins pop out of his hand as he violently twitches his fingers. He squirms his body around, wasting energy by thrusting his lower back off the ground and meaninglessly kicking his legs.

I repeat the same process with his other finger nails, eventually moving to his other hand and doing the same. He struggles even harder when I grab his left boot. He manages to kick me in the face when I'm focused solely on his left foot. I touch my left cheek with my left hand and then look at my hand afterward. There's muddy filth on my fingers. I grit my teeth and scowl. Damn bastard!

While running out of patience, I reverse the grip on my knife, and I slam it down on top of his right knee. I don't hear it break while I only hear ringing in my ears, but I know that it's broken because he stops moving that leg. I do the same with his other leg, take off his boots and then start cutting off his toenails. I cackle as I finish the last nail.

I sheathe my skinning knife and crawl over to his right hand again that seems to be lifeless. I grab the first joint on the tip of his index finger and then snap it in half. A smile emerges on my face when I see that his hand is lively dancing again. I take my time to break all the bones in his hand, starting with the fingers and moving down toward his wrist, one by one. I repeat the same process on his other hand, but he isn't as lively anymore. I raise my eyebrows.

Oh yeah… I should probably ask him what he knows. I slap him in the face before asking, "Hey, who ordered you to do this?"

His lips move slightly, no words come out. "Answer me!"

He opens his mouth wider this time, but still no words come out. "Bastard, answer me when I ask a question!"

In a fit of rage, I slash open his abdomen while preventing injury to his organs. "How'd you know about the princess?!"

I still hear nothing, except the ringing in my ears and my own voice. I reach into his abdomen wound with my left hand, grab a handful of his intestines, and then pull them out. "Say something, you fucker!"

Losing my patience, I take out my skinning knife and repeatedly stab his chest with all of my strength. Blood splashes onto me with every stroke and oozes out of each gash. Suddenly, something grabs my arm before the next puncture, but I shake it off and continue slamming down my knife.

"Kai!" someone exclaims. I slowly turn my head around. Irene stands there with tears welling up in her eyes while she frowns with a pained facial expression.

The ringing in my ears stops, and I relax my arm. I drop the knife, and subsequently, Irene lets go of my arm. I make eye contact with her and smile. "Irene? What're you doing out here, it's dangerous!"

Irene is silent as she continues to stare at me with the same expression. "You should leave. I need to keep interro…"

I turn around and widen my eyes. The man is already dead. His eyes are bloodshot red with traces of moisture below and around his eyes. Blood flows down his nose and leaks from the puddle of blood in his mouth.

My heart beats rapidly. I stand up and continue to stare at the man's corpse without blinking, remaining motionless. I close my eyes as I remember a painful scene from my past. "Weak…too weak, Kai. But I know you want to be stronger so I'll teach you a trick… The secret is rage… Let it consume you and you will become much stronger…"

I shake my head as his laugh resonates in my head. My hands quiver. I'm afraid of reverting to how I used to be; a cold-hearted, brutal murderer. I killed anyone and did whatever it took to achieve my goals, even the things I initially hated him for. Before I know it, my entire body starts to tremble. But the trembling stops when someone suddenly wraps their arms around me; it's Irene.

"Kai, it's okay…" Irene says, sounding like a guardian angel saving me from the depths of hell. When she tightens her embrace allowing me to feel her warmth, my tears well up. I turn around and embrace her back while tears flow my eyes down to her back, holding this position for several minutes.

"Thanks Irene, I'm okay now." I let go of her, but she doesn't.

"You're not a bad person…"

I almost break into tears again when I hear her sniffling, but I hold them back. Damn…she reminds me too much of her.

"Fine, fine… I'm not a bad person. Can you let me go now?"

She hugs me tighter before saying, "You're not a bad person… So never do that again…"

How can she be so sure…? She's known me for less than half a day and has only seen me commit murder… With her warmth and purity embracing me, I feel like my sins can be washed away. I close my eyes for a few seconds and open them again. In a gentle but firm voice, I say, "Alright, I promise. I won't do that again."

She finally lets me go, wiping her tears with her dress.

"We should get back to the convoy, Leila is probably wai…"I say as I turn left and stop mid-sentence when I see Leila standing against a tree with her head down and arms crossed. I frantically wave my arms around while saying, "Ah, Leila…this is…uh…not what it looks like…"

Leila slowly approaches me with her hands raised in front of her. I nervously close my eyes fearing for my life. She's gonna kill me!

She grabs my left arm. "Kai… You're a mess… Let me get you cleaned up with my magic…"

I open my eyes and stare into her face. I don't sense any malicious intent from her, which I find strange. In fact, her eyes and lips droop, as if she is extremely saddened. "Are you okay, Leila?"

She looks into my eyes as tears appear to form in her eyes and says, "That's what I should be asking you…"

I wrap my arms around Leila and caress her while stroking her hair with my right hand. "I'm fine… Thank you, Leila."

She smiles as she blushes and pushes me away while lightly sniffling. "That's good… Now turn around so I can finish wiping the blood off you."

I turn around and let her do the work with her water magic. I don't know what I'd do without Leila… I would never be able to walk around in town after battle otherwise.

"There, all done. Come over here Irene, I'll clean you too. He got some blood on you too, right?" I turn my head toward Irene. Blood smears stain over half of her dress. I blush and turn away realizing that I shamelessly got all the blood on my body on her when she comforted me.

"Well, I'll be waiting at the convoy. You can switch with me and get some rest in the back. I'll take the reins," I say. With that, I head back to the convoy and sit at the front edge of the wagon while waiting for them to come back. I wander my eyes around the wagon. No one would ever guess that a battle ensued here… There are no corpses, blood, or even damage to the environment, despite all those explosions I heard earlier. Well, she is obsessed with being secretive…

I sigh as I look on the ground in front of me. The crater has returned to flat terrain as well. I pick my nose to pass the time, wiping my boogers on the unfortunate horse next to me. I scoot over to the left front edge of the wagon and aimlessly stare at trees.

They sure are taking their time… Isn't she just cleaning the blood off…? The thought of Leila erotically cleaning off Irene's blood appears in my mind. Maybe Leila is into…

I close my eyes as I visualize Leila and Irene playing out this fantasy. I shake my head trying to clear these ideas out. Nah it can't be… Or is it…?

I grin lewdly as I imagine them kissing and groping each other while fully nude.

"What are you grinning about, Kai?" I open my eyes, immediately perceiving Leila in front of me.

"Ah!" I scream as I flail my arms and legs around. I lose my balance and fall on the ground next to Leila's feet. After taking a few seconds to gain my sense of reality back, I find my swords, blade first, next to my face.

"What are you doing…?" she asks as she looks down on me.

"You scared me… Thanks for getting my swords. I forgot about those," I say as I stand up. Leila's blushing as she hands me my swords. I grab both of them, one in each hand while inspecting them. Apparently she has cleaned the blood off them too. I smile.

"Yeah…" she says with her eyes pointing down. Irene opens the door to the convoy and goes in. Leila's face flushes red even more before she finally turns around and goes into the convoy without another word. I quirk an eyebrow as Leila shuts the door behind her.

What was that about…? I look down and see it. My face flushes red while I stand there. Shit, how long has it been like that that…? I think it was outta position after I fell…and I let Leila see that…

I fix my thing before getting on the wagon again, eventually signaling the horses to start running again.

Chapter 7 – Princess Irene - Paranoia

We arrive at Neso, the closest village from the border of Xantho to Elbar. The sun has almost completely set, and it'll be getting dark soon; judging from how little light there is and the time of year, I'd say it's about 8:00 p.m.

I approach the town's gates riding the convoy. One of the four guards standing there exclaims, "Halt! What are you doing at this hour? Name your purpose!"

"We're adventurers headed to the capital, Byzia. We need a place to stay for the night."

Two of the guards approach us, one on each side.

"What is in the convoy?"

"Ah, just my companions." They walk to and stand in front of both doors.

"We need to confirm." The guards simultaneously open the doors without warning.

"An Elf…and a girl? The girl doesn't seem to be an adventurer… Who is she?"

Why do guards have to question every little thing…? This process has gotten tedious. It's a good thing I prepared several answers for these kinds of situations. I turn my head around the front left corner of the wagon while still sitting down. "Actually, we received a job at Byzia. We were asked to escort their niece from Elbar to Byzia. We've been traveling a long way, you see, and the girl's exhausted. Can you just let us through so we can rest?"

After a few seconds, one of the guards makes some kind of hand gesture. I quirk an eyebrow, but when I face the front, I realize that he is signaling the two by the gate. The two whisper to each other while making some occasional glances in my direction. The two by the convoy go back to the gate and continue to whisper amongst themselves before knocking on the door in what appears to be some kind of code. They turn around and declare, "You may pass!"

I guess that the gate is probably opened by a switch device located in the town. The gates slowly rise higher; massive, durable gates that are made out of iron, probably weighing several tons. When they stop, I signal the horses to move forward. One of the guards takes out a Klam, a magical device for long-distance communication.

I knit my eyebrows. Is he alerting the town that we arrived? But why…? Hmm… This must have something to do with what's going on in the country… I should try to find out more when I can.

We enter the town which is still bustling with villagers out and about. The land here is lush in cultivated fields and blossoming angiosperms. Up ahead, bright lights illuminate the heart of the village. We arrive there in a few minutes.

While wondering where the local grub is, I point my head towards the nearest villager, who happens to be a young man. "Excuse me, where can I get some food and lodging?"

He stops walking and turns around.

"Oh, are you travelers? I think your best bet would be to go to the local inn. You'll see it at the end of this road. It's the building on the right corner at the intersection," he says as he points in a direction in front of me.

"Ah, thank—"

"Wait!" someone suddenly exclaims from a crowd of villagers in front of the convoy. A man waving his hands appears from the crowd. "The local inn is probably not serving food at this hour and may even be booked for the night. You should head to the tavern instead. It's that building right there."

The man points to an old looking building on the left side of this road. It is just two buildings over from the one we are currently next to.

"What're you talking about? We don't get many…" the first man says but doesn’t finish his sentence. His eyes point to a direction on his left. I don't know what he was staring at, and there's nothing suspicious around us. "Oh! I completely forgot! Normally, we don't get many travelers at all, but it's that time of year again, and we have a lot of travelers stay overnight at Neso!"

He forces an awkward laugh. I skeptically raise one corner of my lips. “Is everything alright, sir? You seem nervous…”

He laughs again, but it sounds forced. “Ahh, the heat stroke probably got to me, and I forgot something as important as that. Actually earlier today, I forgot where I lived and walked into the wrong building. It was really silly of me.”

What the hell? I pretend to laugh merrily alongside him. "Don't worry about it. I'll head to the tavern then."

I smile and bid farewell to the two men. I look around failing to notice anyone that appears to be an outsider other than us. What was that about…? Something's wrong here… Clearly, none of these outsiders he spoke of is outside right now, but they could just be resting at this hour…or he was lying…

I laugh at the thought of someone lying about something so trivial. I signal the horses to go forward. The name of the tavern is "White Bison." Ironically, an image depicting a bison's head painted brown can be seen under the name. The rowdiness of the tavern drowns out the random conversations villagers have as they pass by me. I park the convoy right outside the tavern.

I get off and open the convoy door. It takes ten seconds before Leila even begins moving out of her seat. Her eyes are barely open as she stretches her arms and yawns. Someone's stomach grumbles and Leila blushes soon afterward while covering her stomach with both of her hands.

"Don't worry Leila, I'm really hungry too… Kai, can we eat yet?" Irene asks quietly as she exits the convoy. Both of them barely have their eyes open in a slouched position with their arms hanging lifelessly under them. It doesn't appear they rested well in the slightest.

"Yeah, we're here. We can eat and lodge at this place, according to the villagers," I answer as I walk towards the entrance, but stop when suddenly a heavy weight falls on my shoulders. I frown and turn my head around, finding Leila holding onto me.

"I'm tired… Carry me there Kai," she demands as she has her arms around my neck.

"What do I look like, your mule?" I stare at her puppy dog face inches away from my face for a few seconds, gradually feeling guiltier as time passes. I sigh loudly and sweep her off the ground with one arm while supporting her upper body with the other. She keeps her arms wrapped around my neck as she rests her head against my arm all while closing her eyes. My eyes meet with Irene's as she smiles and giggles. Damn, why do I have to do this so she can sleep for just a minute longer…?

I reluctantly walk to the entrance of the building and stop when I realize I can’t even open the door now. I open my mouth about to ask Irene to handle this matter, but I want to avoid waking Leila up. Instead, I turn around and gesture my head towards the door. Irene looks at me while frowning and cocking an eyebrow, but moments later a smile emerges from her face as she seemingly understands the situation. She walks forward and lifts her hand. I bitterly frown at her when she pats me on the head while her smile melts into a grin. I can almost feel my eyes popping out when I gesture my head towards the door again with narrowed lips. She giggles and opens the door soon after.

Don’t mess with me… I follow her while still bitterly frowning. Before I cross over to the other side, I ponder whether or not I should wake her up by "accidentally" hitting her head against the door hinge, but I refrain. My eyes focus on her face, lingering on her partially parted lips. I smile as I think back to a sweet memory.

A bell rings as I enter the tavern. There's a staircase directly in front of me along with a large room toward our left side. A young waitress greets us, "Welcome to the White Bison!"

She's shorter than me wearing a revealing black and white apron dress, black stockings, heels, and a white hair band. "How many…"

She cuts herself short and looks at me with a forced smile. The tavern suddenly becomes quiet. I blush, feeling like everyone's eyes are glued on me. "Yeah, that'll be three…and we also need a few rooms for the night. Actually, if you're too busy just one room is fine."

"Sure, come right this way," she says as she leads us into the large room. As we follow her, the rowdiness resumes, and she seats us to a round, empty table. I look around. The place is packed. I wonder if we'll be able to find a room here. "I'll have to talk to my boss about those rooms… Decide on what you want to order in the meantime."

She leaves the menu on the table and leaves.

"Hey, wake up," I say as I fold Leila's body into a sitting position on top of a wooden chair at our table.

She yawns again, stretches her arms, and rubs her eyes before declaring, "Alright, I'm wide awake now!"

I shake my head in disbelief as I take a seat next to her. "How can that be possible? You only got two extra minutes at most."

She smiles as she straightens her posture. "Elves are special, you know."

I shrug my shoulder as I shake my head and sigh. I don’t wanna argue with this woman anymore…

"Are you two lovers?" Irene suddenly asks, taking me several seconds to process in my head.

My head becomes stiff in the current position and heat radiates out from my cheeks. I turn my head slowly like a robot toward Leila. I wonder what she thinks…?

"O-of course not! Who would be in love with this shameless pig?" Leila answers in a harsh voice as she crosses her arms all while looking away from me. I don't know why, but I feel slightly disappointed, and I sigh.

"Yeah, we're not like that. We're just partners; that's all," I say with a forced smile.

"I see… Okay, I understand now!" Irene exclaims, smiling back, but I feel she's misunderstanding something here. I'm a little hungry here, myself, so I don't think much of it.

I grab the menu and glance through it. Hmm… bison, bison, bison… Oh, they have bison soup… I guess I'll get that. I glance over to Irene. "Irene, have you decided on what you wanna eat?"

"Yes, I think I'll have the bison burger. What about you, Leila?"

She doesn't respond even after several seconds have passed. I turn my head toward Leila. She's frowning while looking down on the table. What's up with her now…?

I put my hand on her shoulder. "Leila?"

"Oh right, uhh… I'll get bison fried rice," she finally answers.

An awkward silence follows, but luckily the waitress comes back to our table. "You three, you're in luck, my boss tells me that there are three single rooms available, one silver coin per room."

I smile and respond, "Ah, we only need two rooms. I'll be together with that beautiful young miss over there, and the other room can go to my com…"

I stop mid-sentence when I feel a strong force stepping on my left foot. I turn my head towards Leila, who has become lively again. She smiles as she glares at me. "Actually, he will be by himself, and us two will be together…"

“Well, if you’re sharing, it costs a little more…”

Leila takes out her pouch of coins and then hands three silver coins to the waitress. “This should be sufficient. I do not need change.”

“Yes, thank you very much!” she exclaims.

We also give our orders to her, and as she walks away, I ask, "Wait, can you also get me some beer?"

"Then… I will also have some wine as well!" Leila calls out to her after me.

"Sure, I'll be right back." I check out her entire back frame as she walks away. I start at her head and slowly go down, gluing my eyes on the back of her thigh where her skirt ends. I flare my nostrils and smile while hugging the air in front of me and getting lost in my fantasies. They end prematurely when the force on top of my left foot suddenly increases, and I reset my facial expressions.

"That hurts, you know."

"Huh? Oh, that was your foot? I didn’t know, sorry," she claims, eventually taking her foot off.

My lip twitches as I smile bitterly. "Is that so…?" What's with her lately…? I don’t understand her these days.

When there’s silence again, I clear my throat and turn my head towards Irene. "So Irene, can you tell us a little more of what you know about your father?"

"I don't remember that much…"

"It's okay, just try your best and tell us what you remember." Irene closes her eyes; I presume that she's recollecting her thoughts.

"I first met him ten years ago in my hometown, Maera. A man I didn't know came, and my mother told me it was my daddy… He lived with us for a few days, and he was really nice, I liked him. It was sad to see him leave, but he visited me once a month. When I turned 13, he stopped coming all of a sudden. My mother didn't know anything about it… He suddenly appeared again last year, but I don't remember much of that day… I recall my mom arguing with him, but other than that I can't remember. After that day, he never came back."

"I see… Do you think your father's a bad man…?"

"No! Not at all, he's a good person, like you Kai! I love him…" she says in a raised voice as she stands up, but sits back down shortly afterward, in low spirits. "When mister Dae came to get me, he told me that Daddy was in trouble… I wanted to go and help him, but my mother was strongly against it for some reason... I decided to go with him out of my own will."

Everything she said so far doesn't indicate anything too far off from the information I had… A rebellion would definitely indicate that the king is in trouble, but why would the people rebel against a good king? Irene seems to be excellent at judging people, but what if she… No, I can't doubt her, or I would doubt myself.

A large, bulky man sitting at another table stands up and walks toward us. While standing directly behind Leila, he says, "Hey you, the Elf."

Leila turns half her body around and faces him with her head before responding in an irritated voice, "What?"

"You're the first Elf I have ever seen… A very cute one at that." He explicitly licks his lips before continuing, "How 'bout you ditch that scrawny guy next to you and join me for some drinks, and have some fun with me later. Local women call me 'Quick-fingered Horith.'"

How lame…

Leila points her eyebrows downward as she frowns. "All of you Human males are the same, are you not?"

Hey… Don't compare me to that guy…

"How about you take that sword and shove it up your ass?"

Horith frowns as he narrows his eyebrows and draws his sword. "What the fuck did you say to me, you bitch?!"

Is it finally time to knock this guy out…? I sigh, but before I get a chance to stand up, someone else intervenes. He puts a knife to Horith's throat.

"Sheathe your weapon and you won't get hurt."

"Who the hell?!"

He puts the knife closer to his throat, cutting him slightly. Horith sheathes his weapon. "Okay, okay! I give up!"

Horith backs away, revealing a young male Elf behind him.

"Get out of here." Horith clumsily picks up his weapon and runs out the entrance. "Sorry about that, my name is Tariel, I work here as a bodyguard. It's rare to see another Elf here, may I sit?"

Before receiving an answer, he smiles as he sits down next to Leila. "What's your name, miss?"

"Leila."

"Don't you find it hard to be surrounded by only Humans? I'll join you for your meal."

As Leila converses with Tariel, I notice several men whispering to each other behind the bar. I try not to make eye contact with them while still focusing on what they’re doing.

Strange… Why's it seem like we're being watched here…? Even those villagers said that having travelers during this time of year is normal. Horith didn't even seem to put up a fight. I've seen his type before and they usually never go down quietly like just now…

"Order up!" While I’m lost in deep thought, our waitress arrives with our meals. She takes the plates on the cart she previously rolled over and puts them on our table along with our drinks. There seems to be one extra meal and drink. "Well, since we're closing soon, and we won't be serving anymore… I'll be joining you guys!"

What the hell is with this tavern? I cock an eyebrow as she passes me. Her hand lightly brushes the back of my neck, and she sits down in the seat next to me. She stares into my eyes as a suggestive smile appears on her face. My suspicion breaks its limit, and before everyone digs into their food, I stand up. "Leila, can you check with your magic if our meals and drinks are spiked?"

"What on earth are you talking about? This is crazy… We wouldn't poison our guests," the waitress rebuts, but Leila nods. She closes her eyes as she envelops her Mana around the table. The waitress fidgets with droplets of sweat appearing on her forehead. Everyone is stiff and silent while Leila checks the food. Was I right, after all?

I put my hand on my sword while preparing to draw it at any moment. Leila opens her eyes before informing, "There is nothing."

Everyone drops their shoulders and sighs.

"See, there's nothing wrong, now enjoy your meal!" the waitress exclaims as she pats me on the back.

I guess it was just my imagination… I sigh and finally relax my muscles. Wait… Does this waitress have the hots for me?

I watch her enjoying a bison soup next to me. She catches notice and smiles back while lightly bumping into my foot with hers. I smile lewdly as I play out more fantasies in my head. For now, I pick up the spoon and devour the soup in front of me. Time passes, and I end up slightly drunk from the beer.

Irene doses off on the other side of the table. I think about calling out to her, but something is rubbing my right thigh. I turn my head toward the waitress and get pulled into her penetrating smile. With a smile, I rest my hand on top of hers.

My eyes wander, eventually stopping on her glass of wine. I turn back to her and gesture my head and eyes toward the glass. She seems to understand immediately unlike someone I know and picks up the glass chugging it in one go. I cheer and clap my hands as she chugs. She slams the glass loudly on the table. Soon after, I hear another slam on the table. Leila also just finished her drink with her eyelids twitching for some reason. I face forward again when I hear the sound of a chair move.

"Leila, Kai, I think I'm going to rest now… Where's our room?" Irene asks with little energy and yawns.

"Oh, that's right I never gave you guys the keys! This one is for the first room on the right at the top of the stairs," the waitress informs and hands Irene a key.

"Leila, are you not coming?"

"I'll come soon, I still haven't finished eating. Go on without me." Irene waves and walks up the stairs.

"Hey~" The waitress suddenly slides her hand up my arm while bending forward. Her breasts are nearly bulging out of the dress. I blush and gulp as my eyes stare at her cleavage.

"What?"

"You have something on your cheek…"

"I don't have—" Her warm tongue touches my cheek, causing me to lean backward. A chair falls making a loud noise beside me.

"Wh-what are you doing, you shameless waitress?!" Leila demands while pointing at the waitress.

The waitress blushes as she puts a hand to her cheek all while tilting her head sideways. "Well, I couldn't help but overhear…you guys aren't lovers, right? So I've taken an interest in him instead!"

Leila's lips only shake, and no words come out. I snicker and exclaim, "That's right you said it yourself! I'm nothing more than a shameless pig! So, we will make the perfect match together!"

I feel my beast within me take over my brain completely, and I stand up grinning while holding onto the waitress’ hand.

"And so, I'll call it a night here. See ya in the morning!" I finish the sentence in a hurry as I drag along the waitress towards the staircase. Leila curses at me, but it sounds like her companion will keep her occupied. I frown. I’m gonna get an earful later…but…this is for the best, since Elves and Humans are not compatible… She said it herself.

We head up the staircase, and I stop at the top. I stare at the room towards the right for a moment, wondering if Irene has fallen asleep yet.

"Come on, let's go!" As the waitress pulls me towards the room we are going to stay in, a smile surfaces on my face again. She takes a key out and moves it towards the door, but I take the key from her. She cocks an eyebrow.

“Today, I’m the key, and you’re the lock,” I say as I insert the key into the door unlocking it. Her smile shakes as I open the door. I let her go in first as I have my hand on her back, then I close the door behind me. I hug her from behind, eventually sliding one hand up her inner thigh while grabbing one of her breasts with my other as my rod presses against her bottom. She lets out a small squeal as she breaks free from my grasp. I quirk an eyebrow before asking, "What's wrong…?"

"Oh, nothing… Umm… Let's save that for when we're in the bed…"

"Okay… Then…" I take both of my scabbards and then drop them on the ground. I quickly take off my armor and the shirt under it. She blushes and looks away. Intending to undress her, I touch her again, but she stops me.

"Oh, I can do that myself! So ca-can you turn around…? I don't wa-want you to see me undress…"

So cute! I smile before exclaiming, "Okay, but don't make me wait too long!"

I turn around and listen to her undress. First, her heels drop to the ground. Next, something unzips, presumably her apron dress. It falls to the floor. I can't help but flare my nostrils in anticipation and gulp. Her footsteps slowly approach me. I turn around while spreading out my arms wide in front of me. Huh?

She has undressed, but her bra and underwear remain. There's something in her hand that's rapidly approaching my face; a dagger. By reflex, I grab and squeeze her right wrist. She lets out a small sound as she loosens her grip on the dagger. I take the dagger with my other hand. I grin before saying, "Aha… I understand now, so you like it rough, right?"

She cocks an eyebrow seeming to be genuinely confused, but that doesn't faze me. I throw her onto the bed and pin both of her arms down with one hand. "Don't scream or else." She's a strange one… Is she really into this kinda role play?

She stares into my eyes as she nods her head while frowning, but she stops resisting at the same time. I gasp while I use my other hand to cut her bra down the middle using the dagger. I open my eyes wide as my heart beats quicker progressively. I toss the dagger out of the way and slowly slide my hand down her stomach when suddenly the door bursts open.

"Kai!" Leila's standing at the entrance with her jaws dropped. A cold chill goes down my spine. I crack a smile, but I feel her murderous intent, practically pouring out of her body. "Kai..."

She raises and clenches her fist as she frowns all while slowly walking towards me.

Oh shit, this time she's gonna kill me for real! Before I die, I'll… I slowly slide my hand, further down her stomach. I hear my heart pounding like crazy. Despite how close I am to the goal, I stop when I realize Leila's murderous intent disappears.

"Kai, there're more important things to do right now! Irene's gone!" Leila exclaims with an alarmed face. I regain my senses and reset my facial expressions as I take my hands off the waitress.

"What did you say?"

Chapter 8 – Princess Irene – Kidnapped!

I bury my emotions as I glare at the waitress. "Explain this, now."

"I do-don't know wh-what you're ta-talking about…"

Her eyelids twitch as she looks down to her left. Staring into her eyes, I know she's lying. I grab her right hand and hold her pinky with the fingers on my other hand. As she turns her head toward me, I snap her pinky in half. Before her body reacts to the pain, I promptly cover her mouth with my hand while pushing her down at the same time. She makes a muffled noise, "Nghhhh!"

As she squirms on the bed, both parts of her bra falls off. It doesn't affect me. Her left hand grabs her other hand as fresh tears flows out of her closed eyelids. I locate the dagger I tossed away earlier at the end of the bed, and I pick it up.

"Do you feel like talking now? Next, I'll cut your nipple off…" I say as I grab and squeeze one of her breasts, subsequently moving my knife toward the nipple.

"St-stop, stop! I'll ta-talk, so please, just stop!" I let go of her, and she takes a few seconds motionlessly staring at her broken pinky while still crying. She sniffles as she looks down all while attempting to cover herself with her left arm. "My jo-job was to distract the man who was with the female Elf and young girl wea-wearing a pink dress… Apparently if it went well, our town wou-would be rewarded with a lot of gold."

I put the dagger to her throat. She shrieks as she lifts up her head and freezes in place while speaking no words. While peering into her eyes, I ask, "What else aren't you telling me? When were you given the orders? Why didn't you think this request was suspicious at all?"

I push the dagger just far enough into her neck that causes a small drop of blood to trickle down her neck.

"Wa-wa-wait! I think…um…we…our town has been having an economic crisis ever since the king tremendously raised taxes a few months ago… Last month someone su-suddenly gave our village 100 gold coins and told us that there would be more in exchange for a fu-future request… Then we were told yesterday to take a young girl with long, brown hair wearing a pink dress co-coming from the south trail to Byzia… Th-that's all I know, I swear!" she exclaims while waving her arms around and gasping.

So everything was an act…? It did seem strange when Horith mentioned that Leila was the first Elf he had ever seen, but he looked like a regular from the village, and it would be ridiculous if he had never known Tariel, who worked there as a bodyguard… I see now, so the Elf was supposed to distract Leila, and the waitress wore a revealing outfit to seduce me… What she says about the taxes bothers me.

I back off, drop the dagger, and then get dressed. I take out a pouch of coins from my pocket containing at least 50 gold coins and toss it to the waitress. "Here, this will help."

"Eh?" she asks and catches the pouch. After opening it, she widens her eyes. "Th-this is?!"

Leila sighs and walks over to the waitress. "Let me see that hand."

The waitress is still staring at the pouch of gold with sparkling eyes when Leila grabs her right hand, snaps the pinky back into the normal position while immediately casting Healing magic on it. The waitress drops the pouch as she forcibly squirms away.

"What're you doing?! That hurts! Huh…it doesn't hurt?"

"I fixed it for you."

"Let's hurry, Leila. By the way what happened to Tariel?"

"Oh, he's taking a peaceful nap on the first floor." I skeptically smile, feeling sorry for him. I equip my scabbards on my waist, and head out the door.

"Wait!" the waitress calls out to me. After turning around, a small, red piece of cloth flutters in the air. The waitress smiles while sitting on the edge of the bed making a sexy pose; her eyes are stretched back emphasizing her bust while her legs are spread apart. "Thank you, come again!"

Blood rushes to my head, and I blush. I grin while giving her thumbs up. However, Leila drags me away by my left ear before I can fully ogle her entire body. "Let's go, you pig."

We head towards the staircase where the guards are already waiting at the bottom. "There they are! Get them!"

I run in the room Irene was in, going toward the window on the right. "Let's escape through the window and head to the north gate."

"I'm right behind you."

After drawing both of my swords, I make two cuts the shape of an X in the center of the window. I jump through, keeping my arms in front of my head to protect myself from the glass shards. While still in the air, I sheathe my swords. As my legs touch the ground, I perform a safety roll. I get up and sprint on the road towards the north gate.

Damn… It would be more convenient to have horses right now, but we wasted too much time getting information from… A salacious grin appears on my face, but I shake my head to focus on the task at hand. "We're not gonna make it at this speed, let's enhance our legs until we catch up to them."

Leila nods, and I shout my keyword, "Haste!"

"Swiftness!"

I feel the power surging through my legs as we double our previous speed. I narrow my eyes. More importantly, who paid these villagers to do this? If their goal is Irene, then it must be to get to Velyn…but how did they… The culprit must be an advisor of Velyn or a high ranked officer because only they would possibly know that Irene would be in that convoy at that time. Still, they even knew her attire… How is that even possible?

There are four guards at the inner entrance of the northern gates ahead of me. The convoy is passing through it. Briefly turning my head around, I find that guards riding horses are closing in behind us.

There's no other choice now… There's no way we can blast our way through that door, so I'll have to reveal my magic if we wanna catch up to the convoy. I look toward Leila before asking, "Leila, can you handle our landing? I'm gonna get us over the wall."

"Leave it to me." I reach out my left hand, and she grabs it firmly with her right. Her hand is moist and warm, probably anxious about Irene as well. Up ahead, the gates are closing as I prepare the commands for my magic. I estimate the height of the wall is about 30 feet. I continue to run forward, carefully making other calculations at the same time.

I put my left palm in front of me and release the inactive form of my Mana. The gate is less than 40 feet away, and we would run into it in just a few seconds. Before long, my Mana reaches the designated destinations and immediately activates. The usual purple portal appears in front of me, slightly above ground in front of the metal gate while the other one appears just over the peak of the gate.

"What the hell is that?!" a guard yells near the northern gate as he backs away from the portal I created.

"Who cares! Just stop them!" The guards move around the portal and approach us, but it's too late; we already have reached the portal. I jump through while still holding onto Leila's hand.

I instantaneously appear at the location of the other portal falling down past the village walls. The wind blowing against my face causes me to squint my eyes. I exclaim, "Close!"

After dispersing my portals, I turn around. Leila is already preparing for the landing. Half a second passes before she releases a gust of wind below us from her left hand. The force behind the gust is just enough for us to land without a problem and continue running forward.

We spot the convoy ahead of us about 200 feet away. I say, "Somehow we're closing the gap, but not fast enough at the rate we expend our Mana for the enhancements."

"True, I can easily stop the carriage at this distance, but I don't want to hurt Irene in the process…"

"It can't be helped. I'll stop the carriage. Save your Mana and catch up later." I let go of Leila's hand and gather four times as much Mana than before. I release it all angled above the carriage. I glance behind me, finding that Leila has deactivated her speed enhancement and is gradually getting farther away. I draw my swords in a reverse grip and narrow my eyes focusing on space above the convoy. This should be about the right time…

"Warp!" I shout and instantaneously appear at the location of the Mana I just released several feet above and in front of the convoy. On my way down, I notice two unarmed men in front of the carriage. A split second later, I manage to pierce the top of the transport with both of my blades. I slip, but I hold onto my swords, using them as a crutch to get my balance back.

"What was that sound?!" one of the two guards shouts. With minimal noise, I pull my swords out, sheathe them, and go into prone. I slowly move toward the front of the wagon. "It sounded like something fell on top of the convoy… Do you think they caught up?"

"Don't be crazy, we were several hundred feet away when they closed the gate. I bet they're still stuck in Neso."

"You're right… I'm just paranoid because we're getting paid so much for this."

They laugh. As I stare at the back of their heads, I think about how I should take them out. Hmm… I don't wanna kill them…so I guess I only have one option… I should hurry so Leila can meet up with us… I hope the guards from Neso didn't catch up yet.

I jump down and immediately hit the back of their necks with a swift chop, one with each hand. I catch them before they fall off and rest them against the convoy. I pull the reins back signaling the horses to stop. When the carriage has reached a full stop, both convoy doors open. Damn, there were more inside… Will I be able to avoid killing them…

"Hey! What's wrong?! Why did you stop?!" one of the two guards shouts. Footsteps appear on both sides.

There're only two…but there could be more inside. The tip of a spear comes into my view on my right side. A split second later, I leap out and tackle that person.

"Argh!" We both fall and his armor makes clanking noises when he hits the ground. I grab his weapon while I still have the element of surprise and take it with force. After getting up, I throw the spear into a tree high enough so he can't recover it. "You fiend, my weapon!"

"What happened?!" the other guard yells. Irene is in the center of the convoy, tied and gagged.

Well, this is convenient. I'll just wait for Leila, and we can simply leave and head towards the capital with this convoy. The other guard comes around the left side.

"You…you're that guy who was with the girl! How did you get past the gate?!"

"Well you know…I teleported through a portal that I made."

"That's obviously a lie, don't mock me!" He approaches me with his spear in hand. I turn my head towards the unarmed guard.

Huh? Where'd he go? I check Irene again and find that she's safe. I turn back left, and a spearhead approaches my face. I dodge by only bending my head towards my left shoulder. I look at him and smirk. He frowns and furrows his eyebrows as he begins to shake his entire body. He draws back his spear and thrusts it forward again. I toy with him for a while by dodging using the most awkward body maneuvers. Hmm? He's not tired yet…? Impressive.

He continues to launch his assault of thrusts on me, but I dodge all of them while I barely have moved from my current position. I yawn as I move closer to him while continuing to evade all his attacks. I avoid them all, and soon enough, his thrusts stop coming when I'm directly in front of him. I grin and say, "It's my turn now."

His entire body quivers before I finally knock him unconscious with a blow to the temple. I use this chance to grab his weapon and throw it into a nearby tree, meeting the same fate as his partner's weapon. Suddenly, horses neigh and stomp. Shit is the other guard moving the convoy?!

The convoy doesn't move at all. I run towards the front of it, finding the horses not connected to the wagon anymore. The guard hides behind the left side of the convoy and smiles. "Our reinforcements will arrive soon, and you won't be able to evade us for long!"

I close my eyes as I look down and frown all while pressing my index finger against my glabella. How could I have made such a blunder…?

Feeling the sudden urge to kill the person responsible I draw my sword with my right arm, and walk towards him. "Your reinforcements will have to pick up your dead body first."

"Uhh… Wa-wait a se-second…" he says with a voice growing gradually quieter as he slowly backs away, trembling. I kick him down and reverse my grip on the sword. I begin to slam down my blade with all my strength aiming for the middle of his face. "Ahhhh!"

An image of Irene suddenly pops into my head. My sword sways, landing a hair away from his face. I gasp as I rest my weight against the hilt of the sword. My heart beats rapidly. That's right, I promised Irene… I need to control myself better.

I narrow my eyes on the guard. He passed out. Apparently my sword gave him a small cut on his left cheek. A drop of blood trickles down his wound and tears flow out of his eyes. I sheathe my sword before going into the convoy. Irene is lying down on the seat while completely tied up; her mouth is taped, her hands tied with rope behind her back, and ankles are tied with rope as well. She looks at me while making small muffled noises.

I should probably untie her… Wait… I should have some time before Leila gets here, right? I smile lewdly as I leer at her and sit across from her. "Today, you will learn that I'm not a good person…"

She cocks an eyebrow as she looks at me. I lean forward, grab the hem of her dress, and then slowly lift it up. My heart beats faster with every passing moment. She narrows her eyebrows and squirms around while making loud muffling noises. I pant as I move closer to her realizing that I'm a split second away from the jackpot.

I drop my jaws as I widen my eyes. She sports a light green lace thong. I stare at it for a while, generating large amounts of saliva in my mouth as it also excites my lower half. With my nostrils completely flared, I slowly slide my other hand up her leg. Her futile resistance is only adding to the raging fire within me. Suddenly, Leila shouts, "Kai!"

There're only so many times you can interrupt a man… Not this time! I finally reach her lady passage, lightly brushing over it with my fingers. She makes a muffled squealing noise while jerking around more intensely. With rumbling noises in the distance, Leila shouts, "Kai! Are you there?! We need to leave, now!"

I let go of Irene's dress as I grunt. Damn, what's so important?!

I peek my head out while looking in the direction I came from. Oh, shit!

My lips form an "o" as half a dozen of people on horseback follows Leila not too far behind. Damn! There's no time!

I pick up Irene, who is still glowering at me. I hold her up horizontally, carefully leaving the convoy making sure that I don't bump her head anywhere. "Leila, follow me into the forest! They won't be able to chase us in there! Sorry Irene, you might not be too comfortable."

I gently move her head first, over my head and towards my back. I squeeze my head between her legs so that her flower presses against the back of my head while firmly grabbing onto her ankles in front of me. I run into the forest, being vigilant not to bump Irene's legs into anything. Leila catches up in a few seconds. "Ka-Kai, are you al-alright? Wh-why is I-Irene still tied up…?"

I cock an eyebrow. Leila's face is flushed red, and she avoids eye contact. She has frequently been doing this to me lately… I guess it's a normal thing now.

I sigh before responding, "There were some…complications… It's not important right now."

We continue running deeper into the forest, eventually reaching a stream. Leila rests on the ground while panting for air. Irene makes more small muffling noises. Oh, I should let her down… How do I do that from this position?

I sigh as I reverse my grip and switch my hand, grabbing her left ankle with my left hand and vice versa for my other hand. When I move her in front of me, I drop my jaws, forming a "0" with my lips. I widen my eyes as I hold my breath. I freeze and become stiff when Leila asks, "Kai, you still haven't untied Irene?"

I gulp and take a split second glance towards Leila, realizing that she isn't looking this way right now. I feel deprived of oxygen more so now than when I ran from our pursuers. I gently put her down on her back. She gives me a furious glare. It's no good if I just untie her… What should I do?

I think for a moment before saying, "Shh… Listen, don't tell Leila about… I'll make it up to you… I swear."

I smirk and chuckle. "In addition, I won't tell her about your little…accident…"

Her face completely flushes red. Seeing how negotiations are over, I untie her, but she wears a resentful pout as she crosses her arms. A cold air approaches behind me. I breathe as normal as possible and slouch over a little. "Irene, are you okay? Kai, I think it's time you explain the complications you mentioned…actually…Irene, can you tell me what happened?"

I widen my eyes and glower at Irene. A broad smile appears on her face. With a blush and a frown she answers, "Well…you see…Kai…he…"

My heart beats like a drum progressively louder with each consecutive word. Sweat forms on my hands and face. Leila stands beside me. I look away and close my eyes, feeling murderous intent materializing from her.

"…saved me from a hostage situation! Thank you, Kai! I won't ever be able to repay you!" Irene exclaims as she grabs my hand and grins.

I relax my facial muscles. Huh…?

"Oh, so that's what it was… I thought Kai did something stupid again…"

Sh-she got me… Leila and I both sigh. Leila makes a small confused noise as she turns her head towards me. I smile. Without warning, crackling noises resound across the stream behind some bushes. We turn our heads toward the sound.

Many large, gray wolves leap out in a stream in front of us on the other side of the water. They glare at us while making grunting noises. There are at least 20 of them.

This is bad… I'm low on Mana…and Irene's dead weight. None of us moves a muscle while we stare at the wolves. Nearly ten seconds pass when one of the wolves begins to charge towards us. I immediately get up and draw both of my weapons.


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Mon Jul 03, 2017 2:01 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello!

First off, I have not read the previous chapters, which I apologize for. I will only be reviewing the content here. Second, like Rydia said, please separate the chapters into separate works next time, as there's a lot of material here to read all in one go.

Onto the nitpicks:

I close my eyes and open them again several times,


Totally minor but you never said Kai opened them in the first place, so I suggest you swap close and open, so it starts off with him(?) opening his eyes first and then closing them again.

Since my face is hotter than normal,


You already expressed that Kai's face was hotter than normal in the previous paragraphs, so there's no need to reiterate that.

I grit my teeth and gradually snarl, progressively biting my teeth harder as I clench my fists all while remembering my first encounter with it.


Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this is a little wordy. Kai is already gritting his teeth, so there's really no need to state that he starts to bite them harder. I feel that it goes without saying, but if you want to keep it, then that's fine too.

I look up and realize Irene is frowning with a worrisome expression on her face.


There's no need to state that Irene is both frowning and having a worrisome expression, as the two mean the same thing.

I notice her closed lips are shaking.


Nix "closed". If she's frowning, then by default, her lips are together.

I don't know why, but I feel irritated.


You already said Kai was irritated a sentence or two above.

She blushes and looks away.


You already said she was blushing a few lines above this. Blushes don't come and go that quickly, so there's absolutely no need to keep repeating this every other line, to be blunt.


Alright, in all honesty, I'm gonna stop the review right here. I just finished reading chapter six, and everything is a lot longer than I thought it was. Like I said, consider adding one chapter per work. It will help keep your readers from getting bored or distracted and will make it easier for people to review.

So I am impressed with your fighting scene. In all honestly, it was a bit boring as they were riding in the wagon. It was a lot of "I did this, I did that". Very undescriptive, like you were telling us instead of showing us. Once we got to the fighting, then it was more descriptive and there was more energy in the work. I was more engaged in the writing. I recommend adding more imagery to your dialogue scenes. It doesn't always have to be "I'm doing this, I'm doing that". You can easily tell us what Kai is doing by showing us.

Like I said earlier, be careful with repetition. Once you state something, there's absolutely no need to repeat it unless the scene has changed or if the character changes to a different emotion and back again. Like with Irene - you kept saying she was blushing after nearly every word Kai said. I was starting to think of her as a stereotypical anime character. Just from that brief encounter, she appeared to be a helpless, pathetic princess with a good heart but incapable of doing anything more than blushing. Give her a little more than that.

But like I said, you did great with your fighting scene. It was very descriptive and had more energy in it than the previous content had. I enjoyed reading that scene and had no real issues with it. Consider expanding that to include your dialogue scenes as well, give Irene more emotion than embarrassment, and avoid repetition. Hope this review helped!




Skywind555 says...


The only reason I post in chunks is that I seem to receive higher quality reviews by doing so. I posted chapter 5 in one post and nothing else, but really didn't get anything useful. So the time spent reviewing other works to post one chapter wasn't worth it.



Iggy says...


I'm sorry to hear that. Don't settle for mediocre reviews, though. Feel free to look in the Will Review for Food forum to get some of our hardcore reviewers to review your chapters. c:



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Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:15 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hey there, let's see if we can start moving this out of the Green Room. Just a tip for next time though, you might want to post each chapter separately as that way you'll get reviews faster and more of them. You're always guaranteed to get at least two reviews because of review day but when people are browsing for what to read, they're likely to be put off by anything which has more than one chapter in the same post.

Specifics

1.

What's she so nervous about…? Did she hear what I said after all? Why would she lie?
I think the dialogue will flow more smoothly if you keep it short and snappy. A lot of the time we use more words than we need to.

2.
What does she want from me? I don't know why, but I feel irritated. I open my eyes widely at her as I turn both of my palms upward all while motioning my entire body that she has my full attention.
This is a little awkwardly phrased - I don't think motioning is the right word. Maybe 'signalling with my body' or just 'all the while signalling that she has my full attention.'

Also, I think we need a little more description of the wagon interior. I was imagining like an open top wagon or something at first, the kind you carry goods in, but then you mention a seat so is it more like a carriage?

3.
They snicker at us as they slowly approach us on both sides of around the crater; into the forest.


4.
"I'll take the left side, stay here and protect Irene." Leila nods and I rush into the left forest soon afterward.
Again, cutting a few words here will improve the pace of the story. If you're describing a quick action, use as few words as possible.

5.
I don't give them any time to prepare for my next attack as I kick forward, quickly accelerating into a sprint again while never slowing down.


6.
I sidestep to avoid collision with his body and continue charging forward. I repeat the similar pattern of redirecting their attacks with one blade and countering with the other with the remaining enemies in front of me, which causes some blood to splash on me.


The descriptions are a little factual and don't build a very emotional atmosphere. It's a bit too much 'this happened, then this happened, which caused this to happen'. It feels like your narrator is telling us about events which happened to something else. Here's an example of how you might make the above section more personal:

I sidestep to avoid colliding with the body and charge into my next opponent. I can see the surprise in his eyes as I redirect his attack with one blade and slide the other through his throat. The blood is warm as it splatters my chin but I don't have time to be disgusted.

7.
When I take out my skinning knife, I grin and laugh sinisterly.
I'm not sure sinisterly is a word. I don't think there is a verb for sinister. I'm also not a big fan of this scene - it doesn't make the character very endearing but I suppose it's not meant to. It will be hard for people to like the main character though because however terrible the bad guy is, prolonged torture's just not cool.

8. I'm a little unsure whether I could find this believable. I've not read the earlier parts so I don't know Irene's character but even if I saw my best friend standing over a man who'd been so brutally killed, still covered in his blood, I don't think I could have hugged him. I'd have talked and tried to assure him that it was okay but it would not have been okay and I'd have had to move away/ look away very quickly. I'm not squeamish about blood but that kind of thing, even when it happens on TV, it can and should provoke a really strong reaction from anyone normal.

9. Leila seems pretty kick ass so I'm okay with her having a stronger stomach but yeah, Irene's behaviour feels really out of place and certainly they shouldn't both be hugging him. One odd reaction is more than enough.

10. Water isn't enough to get blood out. Not even fresh blood. Annnd don't ever ask a girl how she knows that, okay. But you need soap and a decent bit of scrubbing.

11.
"You scared me… Thanks for getting my swords. I forgot about those." I say as I stand up.
It should be a comma after the dialogue tag.

12.
Leila's blushing as she hands me my swords. I grab both of them, one in each hand while inspecting them. Apparently she has cleaned the blood off them too. I smile.


13. The part with him imagining the girls kissing and what happens after is pretty funny and you have a few nice things in here which give us a good sense of his very male personality. I don't like the guy but it helps make him seem realistic.

14.
A few minutes pass, and we arrive.
Arrive where? From what we've been told we know they've arrived at the village so this needs to be more specific or it sounds a bit weird. Are they arriving at a particular pub? At the village square?

15.
"Yeah, we're here. We can eat and lodge at this place, according to the villagers." I answer as I walk towards the entrance, but stop when suddenly a heavy weight falls on my shoulders.
Again, it should be a comma after the dialogue tag. You may need to check through for similar instances - you should use a full stop when you are following up with an action or a comma when it's something like 'he said' or 'she asked' or 'I whispered'.

16. The waitress should probably protest the price of the rooms - if two people are sharing one room, they're often still charged more than one person having it. Also, the rooms might have been single rooms so the waitress should at least say there's no room in it or that they have a twin room available for the ladies or that they don't and the girls will need to share a double bed.

17. I don't think Irene is excellent at judging people and how can Kai think he's a good person? If he is a good person then he shouldn't be able to forgive himself so easily for the bad things he has done.

18. How has Horith never seen an elf before if Tariel the bodyguard works here and is right there? That seems a bit inconsistent. Maybe he can say he has never seen a female elf?

19.
"Get out of here." Horith clumsily picks up his weapon and runs out the entrance. "Sorry about that, my name is Tariel, I work here as a bodyguard. It's rare to see another Elf here, may I sit here?"
You've used here four times now and it's starting to sound very stiff! I'd at least cut the last one and have him just ask 'May I sit'.

20.
"Order up!" While I’m lost in deep thought, our waitress arrives with our meals. She takes the plates on the cart she previously rolled over and puts them on our table along with our drinks.


21.
What the hell is with this tavern? I cock an eyebrow as she passed passes me.


22.
"Okay… Then…" I take both off my scabbards and drop them on the ground.


23.
She cocks an eyebrow seemingly to be genuinely confused, but that doesn't faze me.


24. Why do they assume the bad guys are taking Irene to the convoy? That's the last place I'd take the princess if I was trying to smuggle her away so it seems a bit weird.

Overall

This moves at a very fast pace and I think you need to slow down and add in some more description to build the atmosphere and give yourself a chance to develop the settings and characters more. So far I like Leila but I don't understand why she would like Kai and clearly she does. You've made him about as lewd and unlikable as possible! And sure, that's kind of fun in a way but it makes it very hard to believe or understand the actions of the two girls he's with because they're mostly unrealistic.

Hopefully this gives you a few things to think about and feel free to ask if you have any questions.

All the best,

~Heather




Skywind555 says...


Thanks for the review.

I'll try to keep in mind more personal descriptions for currently chapters I'm writing, though in this case it wasn't meant to be that descriptive. I think I would tend to do this when I'm "time skipping" through some details real fast. The story has fairly launched off in terms of unraveling the main plot line even after 200k words, so adding more description is not too desirable at times.

Also, the current timeline of the chapters posted here are in the "future" and the "past" before chapter 1 would eventually be covered in later chapters. So it would answer the history behind Leila and Kai. Of course, answering why Kai is how he is now would be explained too, but how clearly and well I illustrate it remains to be seen I guess.




"If fortis was here, we could have a teal party"
— Pompadour