The drink soothed her as she took sips over and over and over again. Alcohol, her long companion when she had pain, when she suffered. When she cried. It was the drink though that had brought her there in the first place. It was pitch black now, and the little girl who was once beside her had vanished. It was just her there, and her can of beer. She had snuck out of the house at midnight and returned to her same spot. Where the ocean covered her ankles. She stared out into the black body of water before her. She took another sip and felt the power of the juice seep into her mind. What a good drink. She was standing, and almost tipping over by the light breeze that played with her hair, and long t-shirt.
She offten wondered why she had gotten into situations, like why she had hung out with the "wrong crowed" or why she had such a horrible adopted father. The word adopted even in the essence of her thoughts shook her violetly and caused her to fall. She did not want to be here. She needed to go back home. She needed to go back home. But she had no home. Her home was not her's, it belong to her brother, John, and her sister Clara. Or actually, her home belonged to John and Clara, they were not her brother and her sister. They were nothing to her. A tear slipped down from her left eye and across her face. She wipped it away, and looked for her can of beer, she had dropped it when she fell. She searched for it wondering where it could be, wondering why she couldn't find it.
She saw it sudenly a few feet away from her drifting out into the ocean. She thought fast, although she moved slow, she crawled up to it anc grabbed the can before it went to far, but soaked her sleeping clothing, and suddenly felt freezing cold. She took a sip, tasted the salt in her mouth and spit it all out. As if salt could trigger tears, she started crying, she started crying because of all the memories that claimed to overtake her like the waves coming towards her could. She stayed where she was as a furious splash of water drowned her for a moment. When it was over she coughed painfully, and threw up water. She had nothing else in her system. She had refused to eat any food for dinner. She did not want them to think she was happy. When everything she ever had thought was true happens to be a lie, she does not want to commend the person who turned her world upside down.
What does a test do anyway? What does it prove? Does it prove that he is a good man? Does it prove that he ever loved her as his daughter? Does it tell why he left her in the arms of an evil man? In the arms of a helpless mother? In the arms of rebelious children? Does it? The questions swayed in her mind over and over again giving her a head ach.
"Mickey! Mickey, what are you doing out there?!" here he is now, she thought not daring to look back. What does he want from her.
"Leave me alone!" Mickey screamed, hurting her own ear drums.
"Mickey, you can get killed out here, are you insane?!!" she could hear his footsteps on the sand getting closer. She wished she had her pocket knife. "Mickey, your freezing, you need to come inside, come on," he tried to take her arm, but she pulled away from him.
"Leave me the f alone!" she shouted, feeling like she's made her point clear enough. He was not going anywhere though she could tell. Why couldn't he just leave her be? But at least she wasn't going to let him touch her. If he wanted her to go, she would go. She stood up and almost toppled over but he held her arm to support her. She pulled away from him quickly. She glared at him hard, and he looked away trying not to let her see the pain in his eyes. He didn't know it would be this hard to apologize for giving her away, but he knew she would not understand, that he was already prepared for.
"Were you drinking?" he asked with concern, after smelling the beer on her.
"Shut up," she replied. He sighed, and helped her along, now she was too tired to respond by pulling away knowing that if she did, she would just fall down again. He walked her the 200 meters to his home-now their home, and walked into through the back door that led to the kitchen. To his slight surprise the light of the Kitchen was already on, and his wife was there to also tend to his daughter. His wife eyes met his, and he told her thank you without any words spoken. She gave him a small smile, and immideatly went to get something that he figured was a blanket, after all she was soaking wet. He helped her onto one of the kitchen chairs, and let out a sigh. His wife Lilly came back, like he predicted with a thick blanket, and wrapped it around the teenage girl.
The two 30-something year olds stared at the girl before them. The two of them filled with concern. They looked at each other after a while, and both sighed. She was sleeping now, her eyelids peacefully closed, her breathing patterned and steady. Lilly sopke first,
"How did you know sweetie?"
"It's her first night, and after her reception, and her refusal to eat, I figured that she was either going to try to run or do something rash. I checked her room at one," he stopped there knowing the rest of the story told itself. "How did you know?" he asked his wife wondering.
"I know when my husband isn't there," she told him. He smiled softly at her and held out his hands, she walked towards him and they embraced. "She loves you, Lance, she just, she just doesn't know how to," Lilly told her husband knowing he was stressed, knowing he would want acceptance from his first daughter.
"Can you imagine what she lived through every day? If I had known that man was like that I would have beat the living crap out of him and taken her away. I made her live through that. I had the choice, and I let her go,"
"But you did not have the choice as to whether she would go to a family who would care for her or not, if you did you would have seen to it she got the best family ever. But now, Lance, now you have the oppertunity to give it to her yourself, don't worry about the past. Change the future," Lance laughed at his wife's phillosphy, she was acting like a shrink.
"I'm fine, let's go to bed,"
"Leave her here?" concern touched lilly's voice.
"Do you know what she would do if she found herself on that bed in the morning, I sure do not want to find out. Let's just leave her,"
"Okay, but tommorow is school, do you think she'll be awake enough?"
"I don't even care. I'll shove her out that door and see to it she gets to school at eight o'clock tommorow morning," he answered.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Stella here!
Is it weird if I have an issue with her choice of drink? I really wouldn't associate beer with the type of alcohol abuse you're talking about, using it as a source of physical and emotional warmth. I assumed she would be drinking something stronger. But eh.
immediately
Alright, so again, please proofread. This is riddled with mistakes, and it's such a simple thing that makes such a massive difference in your work- turns it from something amateur into something respectable.
I'm not so sure I like the change in PoV at the end here. It's interesting to listen to the conversation, but omniscient third person is never a good idea, really. If Mickey is your protagonist, stick to her PoV, only show us her opinions and thoughts. And if you want to change PoV- fine! But make it a decisive change, don't drift from character to character. Again, it's the difference between something rough and something polished. When I read a piece that jumps from one character's brain to another without warning, it seems to me like the author is being lazy, or else that they're assuming the reader's stupidity. And I doubt you're doing either of those! But that's how it comes across. How about having Mickey overhear the conversation? Or if you don't want to do that, just do something small, like putting an asterisk or a line in to show that you've changed, and don't drift in between two asterisks.
I'm a bit confused about Mickey's past- the man she is scared of is a foster father or something? I feel that needs to be cleared up in the first chapter, unless you're leaving it ambiguous deliberately.
Overall, I'm enjoying this premise, looking forward to reading her first day at school.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I personally found the story to be quite obvious at this point, and see no great ambiguity...
A few small corrections that I should mention:
'little girl who was once beside her had NOW vanished...'
'It was just HER THERE, and HER can of beer...' The three words should not be this close together. They just sound a little wrong. Perhaps remove the coma and 'there'.
'that played with her hair, and long t-shirt. '... I think that it might be best if you were to remove the ',and long t-shirt' and just stop there. Otherwise it does not really make that much sense. Or perhaps remove the comma... But I would suggest the removal of the t-shirt altogether.
'You should remove 'like' in the second paragraph, for it is too informal.
Probably you should say horrible 'stepfather', and perhaps edit it a little...
I know not whether you have noticed, but turn 'her's' into 'hers'.
You should make the event of her falling a little more important. You just merely mentioned it.
'beer, she had dropped...' The comma is not supposed to be there. I am unsure, but try ';'.
(you used the present tense a few times inappropriately)
(headache*, you meant: one word)
Mickey is a strange name, and I think that it would have been best if you were to mention it to us previously so that readers would not be momentarily confused.
'insane?!' might be best.
It might be best to actually say 'fu%&' than leave it as an 'f'. Do not fear such words, just make sure that you warn the readers here beforehand.
Remember that numbers should be written as 'eight' and 'two hundred' instead of their numeric forms.
(I should point out that it might be best to create spaces between '-' if you do not wish to combine two words)
'he told her thank you without'... It just sounds completely wrong. Perhaps he gave her a thankful glance?
(I find it somewhat strange how it appears that now he is turning into the narrator...)
'30-something year olds' sounds terrible... Perhaps the two adults in their thirties? And 'the two' should not be repeated. Perhaps combine the sentences. Just here is an example of what might be better:
'The two adults, both of them in their thirties, stared at Mickey before them, their faces deeply concerned. They exchanged glances, and sighed, realizing that nothing could be done. Undisturbed by this scrutiny, Mickey soon fell asleep, her mind having been wearied by her torrid emotions and the alcohol she drank. Lilly spoke first.'
Not a perfect example, but just in a form that I think might be better.
Ok, I must say that the last line is a little unrealistic in its harsness. If I were him, I would not have forced her to school at all. It is just too... Harsh, yes.
Ok. I must say that your story grows in its intensity and beauty. Although you could certainly improve your writing style and skills, the story is superb. I am becoming emotionally involved with the characters, and the pleasant realism astounds me. I would have enjoyed a little more description, overall, but the format in which you presented it certainly is also sufficient, for it seems a certain style on its own. Indeed, there were many other mistakes concerning English that I did not mention, but I am sure that you will be able to find them.
Anyhow, I could just go on about how great this is, despite its technical flaws, but I should perhaps stop. See you later