EDITING-POSSIBLY (This means that I am considering editing it, but if it is not edited in a while I will officially delete it off the site. Sorry to whoever liked it, but it needs a lot of work!)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey there Writer! Stella here!
missing a comma
gorgeous
then
gripped
Alright so I actually really enjoyed this! You have beautiful images here. I'm kind of worried that you haven't yet named your protagonist. It gets confusing without names, with "the girl" "the younger girl" etc. What's wrong with names? If we're stuck with this girl for the rest of the novel, we might as well know who she is! That said, you manage a good bit of characterisation here.
I enjoyed it, but I also felt like the beginning was a bit of a drag for a... beginning. You know? While all the exposition and characterisation and imagery and setting are fantastic, at the beginning of a story we want an explosion. We want something that pulls us in. The ending of this chapter didn't cut it for me, the last promise of surprises to come feels artificial and out of context. It felt a bit like you were saying, "Well, now that's done, the story is about to begin." Which is silly. The story should start at the beginning. So definitely rework that last bit, and think a bit more about what you want this first chapter to do, what its purpose is.
Overall though, I really have no big complaints. This was very well written- a couple of grammar and spelling errors but those are to be expected (I pointed a few out, I know there's at least one in the latter half but I can't remember for the life of me what it is). Remember to proofread, and spellcheck is your friend.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Thanks so much! I know, grammar and silly punctuation mistakes are my issues. I need to work on that. And I guess you're right about the ending
. All your advice heeded as well! 
Hi Dreamy
And do not neglect reading! Reading is what allowed me to become a writer... Ok.
So, before I begin, here are a few corrections:
'...her hand as a stress ball she griped...' - I truly think that there should be a comma after 'stress ball'.
'"Stupid," her first word in five hours'... I truly think that there should be a full stop after '"Stupid', and 'her' be capitalized. That would give it a pause which I see necessary.
In the line 'when she saw his eight year old' I think that it does not make much sense. You basically said that upon seeing the girl, she spun her head to glare at 'him' (the girl, it seems). You should rewrite that in order to make it clear that she spun her head before realizing that it was not him.
'The older girl' and what follows in not truly efficient... I think that you should refer to her differently and rewrite the sentence.
'...say anything about how she preferes...' - You meant 'prefers', and the 'actually' is ineffectively used (you should reposition it).
'But nope' sounds a little too informal and out of place...
'the teenage girl'... I think indeed that you should refer to her differently. Overall, you did not use enough punctuation in that sentence. Perhaps you should even divide it, for it is a little too long.
The last sentence in that paragraph is truly confusing...
The first line of the next paragraph does not truly sound professional... Try to rewrite it, and it should be better. 'And' is used too often there... It is too fast.
'...year old' is repeated too often...
'... her mothers tone entered...' That should be 'mother's',
In the last paragraph, too many sentences begin with 'she'. You should try to experiment by using 'her' etc. also.
'But it's'... I think that 'it's should be perhaps replaced with 'it had'.
So, overall, I found your store a little interesting. Usually, I do not enjoy when too few details are revealed at the beginning to make much sense, but in this case it did not diminish my interest. I find her hatred towards her real father a little strange to relate to, but certainly possible, since her stepfather was apparently a brutal drunkard.
I think that upon using some mildly exaggerated language, you could give much power to the story. By that I mean vivid imagery and perhaps some powerful vocabulary where appropriate. I just find that this usually allows writers to express the emotions that they have in mind more effectively, because it cancels out a certain level of indifference and safety of of the readers. By that I mean, if you attempt to convey sadness in the state it is, then some of it would not have reached the reader, but if you carefully exaggerated the language you use a little, then the emotion which reach the reader would possibly be close to the emotion felt by the character. (<.< that is an experimental theory of mine, reasonably new)
Anyway, the certain element of emotion realism which seems to be present I find gives life to the text. I feel as though a real and vivid world is conveyed by synthetic means... This is probably due to the fact that I see the style used to be not truly exceptional... I believe that if you were to focus on the tone, vocabulary, rhythm and all of these aspects of writing more, then this would have rendered your work a truly beautiful production.
Anyhow, keep writing, obviously
Thank you, all your advice will be heeded. And of course I will read
!
thanks!