I shut the door and hear noises,
Mom says its a mouse,
But I know better.
My animals are awake.
I open the door,
but they are so quick,
All neatly back on my bed.
I sneak into my closet to wait,
But they don't move.
I close my eyes and hear a noise,
But when I open them,
My animals are all tidy on my bed.
So close to catching them alive.
So close.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I like it! I am a bit harsh so take this criticism very lightly because I do truly admire the piece
"My animals are all back neatly on my bed."
When I read that line I think 'there are too many words'; you see how its a little longer then the rest of the poem as well? I would suggest rewording it and/or creating a reoccurring line, famous writers do it all the time actually. So maybe instead of
"My animals are all back neatly on my bed."
You might like to try:
"All neatly back on my bed."
You may like to tweak the line a little bit too
I liked it I really did!
Thanks for the review.
Hey Siri!
I see you're new here, so welcome! I hope you enjoy your stay here with us. If you need any help, feel free to PM.
I like your poem! It's quirky. The content is cute and relaxed. The pacing is nice. Your spelling and grammar are awesome! No complaints on your poem at all!
Keep writing,
~Shady
Thanks for the comment! It made my day.