it's kind of funny, really

So I am reviewing your poem.
Firstly I want to say that be clear in what you are writing. You should be clear and specific as it's more like a mystery based poem . Though its emotional and I like reading it. Just that little thing I get confused about who is thr narrator. Hope you understand what I wamt to say. But again a nice piece of penning. Stay blessed !

Hey skins!
I really really adore these words of yours and i really am shocked about how you could write something that you have no idea about, so beautifully? Well as far as I can guess either you were lying about knowing-nothing-at-all part or you were born talented. Well I'm going with the latter part. Anyway it was delight reading your work!
Fangirl~

This is a fine poem. I don't have much more to say that hasn't already been said. But I would like to make a title suggestion:

'A once bright flower'

Skins!

How goes the dive? Based on this piece alone, I see you've landed gracefully. Actually, you should write more poetry and/or share more of whatever other poems you have stashed away somewhere. And it's the perfect kind of timing too, what with NaPo and all :chants: Join us! Join us! Revel in the peer pressure!

In all seriousness, there is a lot of heart and emotion and thought and truth to this piece that is essentially what poetry is all about. I like the honesty in the voice and the way you've chosen to write, particularly for an audience who I believe will be recited to? If so, this is a great style to recite to.

Especially love some of those subtleties in sound that kind of slipped in through the colloquialisms. That stare/there rhyme in your first stanza was especially nice, like an orange fragrance-if it had a sound, something faint that kind of made me perk my ears and go oooo, where is that sound coming from? The really/blankly rhyme is nice too when coupled with those 'm' consonants, I'm/am/him/calm/meetings/-ments it would be lovely if you can carry that M throughout. M-sounds are mystical.

Now- my suggestion for this piece is actually to give it more clarity and specificity, open it up more and shed some more light to those skeletons. Who is your speaker, who is the "you" and who is "he" ?

It's not so much about providing names or characters so much as it is about providing context.

For example, a lot of people are interpreting a jaded love scenario - "him" being a dead/injured boyfriend, the speaker being a third-wheel and the "you" a girlfriend, or someone close to the 'him' perhaps?

But check this out - it can just as easily be about a "father" and the speaker is his daughter and the "her" is a sister who may/may not get along, but are estranged and the father is either dead at the end/on life-support/coma/vegetable/etc.

And those are two different poems. By the end is it a tension of envy or jealousy, or a tension of regrets and dysfunctional family? See, I don't know. It could be about a third thing entirely. There's no context at all. There's the suggestion of loss - which could be anything from death, to coma, to vegetable, to injury, etc. There's the suggestion of a struggle of powers and resentment between the speaker and the "her" and there's a lot of pain mourned/experienced differently, as though we have foils here. But all that I'm saying - do you see how it's all hazy and blurry?

This is why showing context matters. For example, if it is about a father-something as simple as "veined hand, rake-still and hard as a branch" super simple and short and provides context without hammering us in the head.

But let me just say the emotional weight in this is here, oh yus! That's what I love about it! It is buried, but it is here. The thing is - context is what is going to shape that weight into those swords that pierce the heart. Those are just my opinions, I can also see an argument for how the reader can feel more engaged by bringing their own meaning into it, plus, isn't this poem versatile? Yes!

But on the other hand, it's like there's a private picnic but the person who invited you is asking you to bring your own lunch and we kind of feel cheated because wouldn't it be a better experience if we all show up empty-handed and share in the experience of a provided lunch? I mean, some of us might bring condiments or a napkin or a drink as a courtesy, but come on, at least provide the lunch.

So, that's my main suggestion - I think the choice to shroud the context in mystery leaves a lot of us who thought there was going to be free lunch with rumbling stomachs. That aside, I think this is a common thing a lot of us do with poetry, regardless of how new/old we are to the craft, and I think it's also an easy enough fix just going through the lines and nixing those pronouns and "thats" and "this" and vague words like that and asking "what?" - Give us more lovely imagery like that sunflower line, interspersed among the delicious voice and I think you'll have yourself a real winner ^_^

I hope this helps!

I would be more than happy to chat more with you on this if you'd like.

~ as always, Audy

It's kind of funny really... How this ripped out my heart. 10/10, would be misled again.

Hi Skins! Long time! It's Cakerissa here to review!

Okay. With the title I think you should make it more relationship type. I think that it's about an ex-boyfriend, so I would make the title something like "What happened to us?" Or "I Ain't Cryin' No More." Just more breakup type. Now, I was a little confused on your story line. A poem is kind of like a short sometimes rhyming story, and yet, it's not. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Probably not, but just know that you don't want to confuse people unless it's on purpose. Also, I would go through and check your grammar. I saw a lot of places where you said "i" and not "I". Just real quick review for you.

Thanks for all the AWESOMELY long reviews you give me,
Cakerissa

Hi there Skins!

I liked it. I think it's a very well done poem. But you could always get a second opinion just in case since I'm no poetry expert (I fail at it). As for fixing, I don't know if I can, but I would suggest adding a nice rhythm to it and maybe, possibly, some rhymes. I find poetry more enjoyable and sensible that way, but that's just my taste. Good luck with your presentation. I'm sure your audience will enjoy it and appreciate the effort behind it. God luck!

This is a good start. You have your ideas down. Now a thing I suggest is to show and not tell (although I am guilty of it too). I would personally go a little about how the person that was avoiding the other person was actually doing because the way you write it, it seems as if they were not actually busy with other things but in actuality just avoiding the person in need of their help.

"withering away like a once bright flower, cowering away from the sunlight that no longer feeds, but burns." This was my favourite part of the whole thing because it was easy to see a sunflower tilted away from the sun as it is starting to smoke a little. And it is also realistic. It makes it seem like the person that was avoiding was so important to the person in need, that they were their everything.

There was a part where you almost repeated the exact same thing right next to each other. It said "you found the time, but it's too late. now it's too late." I would recommend moving the now it's too late to somewhere else or just get rid of it entirely.

Overall this is pretty good. Work on trying to find places for more imagery and detail to your characters. Also if possible, some rhyming would be good to help make the poem read more smoothly.