This was inspired by my favourite song -- Floods by Fightstar --
The Floods
You can't all pretend
That you don't understand,
What is right from what is wrong.
That you don't believe
In what they tell you.
You just need to open up your eyes.
Chorus
You don't think even think it matters,
So let the floods flow on.
You make it harder than it really is,
Just let the floods flow on.
Let's make it through this life.
Hate can drown your dreams.
But with hope, they can regain.
You just need to listen to
The things you are told,
The things that they say.
We can't let the lies rule our lives.
Chorus
The sun cannot rise,
If the world is drowning.
Ignorance is no excuse
For what is coming.
It will destroy us,
Until the world is empty.
Chorus
You can pretend there's nothing wrong,
But the truth cannot be hidden.
Even when it's been overshadowed,
By lies of hate and denial.
You don't think that it even matters,
Don't let let the floods flow on.
You make it harder than it really is,
Don't let the floods flow on.
Let's make it through this life.
You only need to listen.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
'Ello mate, how d'ye do? I'm here to review your wonderful piece
This is a well written piece. I must say. It's not overly lyrical and not overly detailed. In fact, it has the right amount of everything. In my opinion, I see no real background to it though. I loved reading it, and some lines were slightly confusing to me.
Such as:
Like previous reviews, it just strikes me as something that cancels each other out, if that makes much sense.
I really like this imagery and repetition. Some others said they didn't but I do.
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this, so well done!
Eternity out~
Nice job. Serious, but not overly bitter, nor overly lyrical.
Now this line I wasn't so sure about, it kinda jarrs. Perhaps 'It will destroy us, and empty the world' or soemthing to that effect. Dunno, just a thought.
How about 'we can't'? It'd tie into the unity theme a little more.
You repeated let by mistake, by the way, just so you know. Last stanza.
Anyway I like your theme, (I've written several poems about 'stop raping the Earth; in my day) and it was overall very nice. *Smiles* Well done.
Thanks for the comments guys!
Keep them coming ^_^
It's just a random poem I got inspired to do!
Meg x-x
Hi, Megan.
To start with structure, you've got a good rhythm going. (Rhythm=the pattern of syllables resulting in a poem that flows smoothly) Something I always suggest regardless is that you read the poem out loud. You may already do this, but it really helps make sure your poem reads smoothly.
Now, where punctuation is concerned, you have quite a few unnecessary commas. Won't point them out specifically, just look over them.
I don't really like the repetition of the lines "so let the floods flow in." If you vary them slightly it might help. Maybe exclude "so" after the first line, change a couple other words.
As to content. I failed to see the point. I failed to see the meaning behind 'floods'. I failed to be moved by this in anyway way. To be perfectly honest, if this was anywhere else besides yws, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Not to discourage you; you can make this better.
You seemed to have trouble deciding whether we're supposed to listen to people or not. There were lines that simply don't make sense, such as: "The sun will not rise,
If the world is drowning." Yet you say again and again to let the floods flow in.
Now, if you revamp this whole thing, you could have something good going here, it's up to you. Decide exactly what this is about, then go for three things: unique imagery, unique vocabulary, and above all, clarity.
Good luck, and pm me if you have any questions.
Hey! So, I really liked this. Especially the 'let the floods flow on' lines. Lovely, as you're using the sound of fl twice in a row actually sounds like flowing, and you're using that word...anyway.
The only grammar-y thing I will mention is that you don't have to use a period or comma at the end of each line. You can, but it's not a rule; I wanted to make that clear because many people think it is.
What I don't like is that all the middle part seems to be saying the same thing over, and over, and over. Don't be ignorant. Alright, we get it after the first stanza. Perhaps, instead of repeating yourself so much, you could describe how nature is changing, because I wouldn't have gotten that if you hadn't explained it, which is not good. Basically, right now it could be about anything. The floods could be metaphorical waves of lies, the middle could be referring to, I don't know, a friend telling me my boyfriend is a jerkface. XD So fix that.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the first thing of yours that I've reviewed and liked. You obviously have a nice way with words, but I think the content should be a little less abstract.
Good luck!
-Mars