What's happened during Charlie's life in this novel so far:
Charlie
I used to hate tying my laces. It must have taken me at least two years to learn how to do it, and even by the time I could do it, the knots were always loose and messy. I’d get so... irritated. I missed that: a time when something as simple as that was my biggest worry. No real problems, no ridiculous mistakes that were made one foolish night. I missed getting so upset over being unable to tie that stupid knot.
I fiddled with the piece of paper in my hands and ran my finger along the top. As I pressed my index finger down harder, the blunt edge of the paper began stinging my skin--an oddly relaxing feeling. I’d been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of summer, but I’d never imagined that I would feel so blank and emotionless about it. I guessed I had other things on my mind.
I shot my finger across the paper which immediately drew blood from the skin of my fingertip. It stung, but I didn’t mind. I almost liked it. Forget about it. Just forget about it. As quickly as the memory entered my mind, I got rid of it. I’d been practising that a lot over the past four weeks or so--since 'it' happened.
My attention was forced back onto the paper in my hand. It was a refutation letter of some sorts, but right now, it could have been a pile of crap for all I cared. It felt like a century ago now, but I’d applied to get into a collage to study music and not to my surprise, the place didn’t even want to know. That’s what I got for screwing up my GCSEs, I guess. I didn’t get in then. Too bad I couldn't give a damn.
“Bloody hell, Charlie.” Austin’s voice almost made me jump. “Are you trying a new style of finger painting or something?”
I glanced down at my finger to see it now covered in dark blood. There were a few splodges of it over the paper too. I looked back up at Austin who was flicking an orange lighter on and off. Despite that fact, his eyes were on me. He was leaning against the wall with his legs crossed. I forced out a laugh and dropped the paper onto my already messy bedroom floor.
“You fancy doing anything then? Or are you just gonna play with that all night?” I nodded at the lighter in his hand.
“Well, you know what I wanna do... Vert--”
“No.”
“Aw, come on, mate.” He rolled his eyes. “Even though I still reckon you should try it, it’s not like you're gonna have to get hamme--”
“No.
“Just hear me out.” He raised his hands. “We go to Vertigo, I don’t even mention getting hammered to you, we find some fit birds and have a good time.” He scanned me briefly. “You need it. What do you say?”
Practically every Saturday night, Austin suggested we’d go to that club. Sometimes he got his way, but I tried to avoid that because he’d always end up getting kicked out for brining booze into a youth nightclub, not that the staff there were particularly strict anyway. Besides, the last thing I wanted to do right now was hook up with some girl. There were other things shadowing my mind. I stared up at my ceiling for a moment as though that would be a good enough response to please Austin. I heard another flick from the lighter, followed by a sigh.
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “You ain’t still bothered about the thing that happened a few weeks ago are you?”
My eyes remained fixed to the grey ceiling. The swirls on the ceiling were beginning to make me feel a bit queasy now, but I continued staring at it anyway.
“Mate, no one’s even thought about suspecting us. No one saw us, there's no CCTV anywhere near the park, that Lee kid and his goons ain’t gonna say anything ‘cause you know how much he’s messed about with the cops. Jax ain’t gonna say anything either. The cops ain’t got our D.N.A or anything on record, so there's no chance of us getting caught. Besides, why should anyone suspect us? I've never gotten into too much trouble with the cops, and you definitely haven’t.” He lowered his voice. “Don't you get it? We’ve gotten away with it.”
“You’re a shit liar.”
The flicking sound stopped. For the first time in a good few minutes, I turned my eyes back to Austin who was still sitting on my bedroom floor. His lip was curled and his eyes were narrowed. I shrugged.
“How the hell is that lying, Charlie? You know the cops ain’t got a chance of finding us. No wonder Jax takes the mick out of you so much. You’re such a wimp, for fu--”
“You're only proving me more right. I ain’t on about that, Austin.” I sat up on my bed. “What I mean is that you’re obviously bothered by it all. You’re fiddling with things all of the time, which can get really annoying, by the way.” I nodded at the lighter. “You're smoking twice as much as you did a month ago, you always look half dead, so you obviously ain’t sleeping properly. Your hair doesn’t even look blonde anymore, mate, because you clearly ain’t washed it in ages. Plus, considering you’ve figured out all of the reasons why we can’t get caught, you must have been thinking about what happened four weeks ago a damn lot. Oh, and you just lost your rag with me.” I shrugged. “Just saying.”
“What are you? Some fricking psychiatrist?” Austin shouted, proving my point even further.
I remained silent and held my breath. Did he have to shout? The last thing I wanted right now was anyone barging into my room. I didn’t bother responding to Austin, this time. Instead, I lifted my index finger to my mouth, widened my eyes, then nodded at my door.
It was times like this when I was happy Will was away with school for a while because, believe it or not, it was a damn lot easier to keep things from someone when they were in another country. If my brother or my dad found out about all of this, I’d have messed everything up for not only me, but more importantly, Austin. The whole thing was my fault anyway. If I would have just shut my mouth when I saw Lee and his goons coming, if only I had stopped Austin from drinking so much... None of it would have happened. I screwed everything up. It was me.
I heard Austin curse to himself, and my attention was drawn back to him. I didn’t have the energy to argue with the kid. He hadn’t said a single word about what happened that night being my fault. He must have known it was my fault; he wasn’t stupid. He must have figured it out by now. Besides, he was more or less all I had right now. Jax was basically a sheep doing whatever Austin told him to do, so talking to him about any rubbish was like talking to a toaster.
Austin let out a long breath and stood up. “Look, mate, let’s go to Vertigo. You can’t let some stupid mistake that I made ruin your fun. Besides, think about it.” He shrugged. “You find a girl and it will take your mind off things. It ain’t like you struggle on that department, pretty boy.”
The guy had a point. Maybe going out and at least trying to have a good time would take my mind off it all. Austin put the lighter into the pocket of his hoodie as he made his way towards me. He sat on the end of my bed after picking up the letter from the floor. He scanned it with his dark eyes and avoided touching the blood stains my finger had left on it.
“It’s probably a shit collage anyway.” He tapped my leg. “Come on, I’ll get my old man to drive us to the club.”
I then did what I did best: I did exactly what Austin had told me to.
Gareth, Austin’s dad, hit the brakes once we reached a familiar street corner. Like usual, there wasn’t a blade of grass out of place in any of the gardens’ that filled the empty street. I began drumming my fingers against my leg as the small car came to a halt. Considering Will wasn’t home as well as me, I was on edge about my dad being in the house on his own. What if he got drunk and did something idiotic? Or had one of his flashbacks? Or realised that I hadn’t brought Will’s shirt back from Jax’s house yet? The guy wasn't back from France until two weeks or something though, so I guess I had until then, not that my dad would probably see it like that. The drumming on my knee turned into an ecstatic piano routine. What if he turned the place upside down? He better not have ended up wrecking the place because I couldn't be bothered to clean up after him again.
“Here we are, boys.” Gareth’s voice disturbed my train of thought. He smiled at me before turning to Austin. “I’m going down the pub with some mates to have a few pints now, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pick you guys up.”
“It’s alright, we’ll walk,” he replied. “Besides, we’re big boys now. I’m sure we won’t get too scared.”
“Uh, I dunno, mate,” I said before Gareth could respond. Austin tilted his head and pulled a confused face. “It’s gonna be pretty cold, so, you know...”
I would have told him that I didn’t want to have to walk home with him as he spewed his guts out and yelled at the top of his voice at every person that passed, but I didn’t want to mention anything about him getting drunk, not in front of his old man. It turned out the answer I gave him instead only heightened the accusation Jax often gave me of me being a complete wimp.
“You’re kidding, right?” Austin started laughing.
“Son, if Charlie isn’t comfortable with you two walking home, then I don’t think you should walk.” Gareth’s voice was stern.
He ran his hand through his light hair as he kept his eyes on his son. Austin responded by pulling a face and rolling his eyes. I couldn't help but smile lightly. Austin constantly complained about his dad, despite the fact that he was just like him in both his personality and looks. The fact that they both always thought they knew best made it clear that they were related. When my father was fighting in Afghanistan, Gareth spent a lot of time in my house. I guess he felt the need to become some kind of father figure for me or something. I could remember one time he was over when Austin and I were about eight years old, and Austin wanted to make a ramp for his skateboard by using some of Gareth's wood he used for work. Gareth told him the wood wasn't strong enough, so he said no, but Austin argued that it was easily strong enough. He wouldn't give up, but Gareth wouldn't give in either. They were both one hundred percent certain that they were right, and the argument lasted the entire day.
“It’s alright,” I said, returning my mind back to the present. “I’ll just ask my dad to pick us up.” I despised the rubbish that came out of my mouth sometimes.
“Are you sure?” Gareth said, his voice suddenly turning soft again.
“Yeah, there we go,” Austin answered before I could. “Sorted.”
“Austin, I’m not talking to you.” He turned back to me. “You don’t think he’d mind?” There was a clear hint of disbelief in his voice, and I couldn’t blame him. My dad would have preferred to individually pluck every hair out of his head than pick me up from some nightclub for yobs as he called it.
Gareth continued. “I mean, I can lay off the alcohol for tonight if you boys need picking up. If Austin’s that determined about walking, then I can just pick you up, if you want, Charlie. I wouldn’t mind.”
He looked at me with his almost black coloured eyes as he turned his head to face me. I then glanced at Austin to see him rolling his equally dark eyes again. He scratched his head and smiled sarcastically at Gareth.
“Dad, he’s fine. Jamie can just pick us up, like Charlie said. Stop bugging him.”
“Austin, I swear you think I’m going to murder him.”
That single word made my guts turn. Both Austin and I shut up as I stared at him through the car’s overhead mirror. Leaving Gareth oblivious, Austin shook his head and pressed his finger against his dry lips. Gareth didn’t... He didn’t know, did he? Why would he have said something like that if he didn’t suspect anything?
“Hey, Charlie? You okay, son?” I snapped my head back to Gareth.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah... Uh, sorry.”
“We’re never gonna get into Vertigo at this rate,” Ausitn interrupted as he shot me a hard glance.
I thanked Gareth for the lift as I stepped into the unsuitably cold summer air. He responded with a grin before asking me again about my dad, but I simply nodded and tried to encourage him that my dad would be fine with it. The door on the other side of the car slammed, and soon enough, Austin was standing beside me. He messed up my hair before nodding his head around the corner. It wasn’t long until we were both strolling up the damp pavement.
Austin’s dad always spoke to me so... sweetly, which admittedly, I did find rather weird at times. He knew about the whole situation with me and my dad, I was sure of that--he never asked about my black eyes and sprained wrists, or about why I avoided mentioning him to, well, anything with a pulse. I still failed to understand why he had to treat me like some kind of helpless orphan. Then again, that wasn't entirely true. I watched as Gareth’s car disappeared into the distance. Sympathy was a ghastly waste of emotion, especially when wasted on me.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Stop and Stare (Part 6)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Yuss...
Caught up to part 5. Where are my cookies!!
I feel so weird commenting so far back!
Well, I figured I've read enough to at least offer my thoughts on the story up to this point. One thing I can really appreciate is the authenticity of your characters. There's just something very genuine about the way you've molded them so far. There's that sense of internal conflict overpowering Charlie's character. I think the way you shaped Austin's character complements Charlie very well, too. The way they interact is smooth, and humorous at times. The fact that you downplay certain scenes with spurts of humor here and there works really great for the story. It keeps it from sinking too deeply into a dark place considering the plot and all.
I'm also a big fan of the way you've shaped the dialogue and slang. I'm not too familiar with the way people speak in Britain, but I guess that's why I find it so smooth to read through. It's like a whole different culture from mine in ways. I'm not sure if you'd disagree or not. xD
I was really into the way Charlie's parts of the story read off in my head, but when I got to Zoey's it seemed like there was more error and choppiness in the writing. It wasn't as smooth for some reason. It seemed like small nitpicks and such continued to pop out at me more often while I was reading Zoey's parts of the story. Reading in Charlie's POV though seemed so much more natural. But I don't know, maybe that's just me being picky over character's. xP
One thing I really did like about the way you shaped Zoey's part of the story was adding in a character like Luke, her brother. I think as far as relationships go from what I've read so far, you've really done well in varying the types of relationships. There're so many different levels of depth involved already, and I'm still in the beginning of this story. So I think in establishing the ways your characters interact with eachother was nicely done. It makes me curious about Charlie's dad and the absence of his mother. The fact that Austin's dad acts very paternal toward Charlie peaked my interest as well.
I think if I had to point out any flaws in this so far it'd mostly be in the second chapter of Zoey's part of the story. That chapter seemed like it could use a bit more attention than any of the others. It was still a nice read, but it might be a good idea to give it another glance over. I know it's probably been awhile since you've looked at your earlier chapters.
Anyway, good job with the pacing of this all. I find that to be one of the most challenging things when it comes to my own writing. It's very easy to tell when the pacing is off though. It seems like you've already gotten so much great feedback already. I can't wait to read on and see what happens. What I've read so far is great. I'm not sure if you're close to ending your story or not, but from what I can see I still have a long way to go! So many chapters. xD Keep up the awesome work.
-Smylin'
Ohai, Freak.
I'm here to review. Yes, I'm totally aware of the fact that I was supposed to review this weeks ago but I only got around to it now. You probably hate me, right? Too bad. Anyway, this review is going to be as helpful as a piece of meat is to a horse. Not very helpful at all. In fact, I'll probably just end up saying things twice that the others have already caught. xD
Anyway, it's been some time since I last read this and I must say, I'm glad I picked it up again. I had all meaning too but C'mon, I was a lazy girl those days. I'm trying to change my habits though. Okay, enough with the mumbling, let's get started on this meat, shall we?
Firstly, I like the beginning of this chapter. I really like the way you connected that shoe tying thing to the dilemma he was facing at the time. It's like two wonderful pieces of a puzzle. ^.^
My first peeve about this was the pace. I'm going to agree with what someone said before me about the pace being kind of slow on this one. You had a lot of interrupting actions such as the lighter and the paper. It seemed to drag down the story a little bit but it's nothing too bad. If you could cut it out in some parts and make it feel less cluttered, go ahead but don't if you feel like it's all worth it. In the end, it's your call. xP
The ending, I think was a good place to leave off. It's hard to find that center piece of two chapters where you can part them to post on YWS.
Overall, I like this chapter on Charlie a lot. I think his emotions came out quite clear. Hopefully he doesn't stay a wimp forever and hide behind his lies, that would be sad. This was a good, enough of characterization and such and such to make us feel closer to Charlie as well as giving us some more feeling. The pace was a bit too slow for me but it happens when you're trying to explain feelings and whatever so it's nothing much that I would worry about but if given the chance, try to loosen them up.
Alright, here was my lame review. I'm sure if was sooo helpful. Not really. :/
Also, the dad creeps me out on new levels of creepiness.
Kay, I'll try to get the next one done soon!
-Punk
This isn't going to be overly long because, well, there's not much to comment on. (I hope you're happy - you're making me look like a crappy reviewer, thanks so much.
)
Probably the biggest thing off with this is Charlie himself - don't get me wrong, he's still awesome, but he doesn't have as much... spirit? I guess. He's a lot more pessimistic. Which, a lot can be explained by the killing, his reaction, but reading the first chapter then reading this, you'd swear it was two different people. Even just the style of writing is different (not blatantly so, but the little stylistic things that separate characters, like how you write him compared to Zoey).
I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Personally, I really liked Chapter 1 Charlie (ain't that a snazzy nickname =) ). But this person is also good too. I think the writing itself is better here. But, I'd edit one of these, fix it, make it consistent. And work on keeping them all consistent, though they probably are I'd guess.
Oh, and the whole thing where Austin's dad said murder, that was a little... I don't know. I'm not sure what to take from that. But of course, that's just a teensy thing I'd thought I'd mention anyways.
Other than that, there isn't really much to comment on. You have well-developed characters, good plot, nice descriptions... I barely even know why you asked me here! (Other than, of course, to get buried in well-deserved compliments.)
Hopefully next part I'll be at least a little more helpful, because right now my reviews of you are extraordinarily lame.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
The first chapter pales in comparison to this. The only thing I can think of is deleting the first chapter and rewrite it from scratch. You've matured so much as a writer in the time between the chapters, it's amazing.
Other things I picked up:
1) Charlie has definitely changed (which is why I think the first chapter doesn't even belong/isn't worthy of this novel) - for the better, but in a bad way, lol, if you know what I mean. His pessimism is fascinating to read.
2) The audition. What is his talent? If guitar, where's his guitar? If singing, shouldn't he bring a clean version of the song (ie: one that doesn't have the vocals)?
3) Schools aren't entirely closed off. Surely there would have been some other entrance than the front gate. Just seems stupid to me. They'd be expecting the people from he auditions, so they'd have signs up directing the would-be students where to go.
4) What kind of highschool is this? How old is Charlie? Because generally you'd be in primary school before trying out for secondary, but I was under the illusion that Charlie was older than 10. Perhaps "College" would make more sense.
Hey there, Skinso! Shubhi to review here. I still call myself Shubhi. Weirdness!
Anyways, here to review seriously. No smiling!
I loved where you started this story from. I mean, showing how depressed or worried he was by comparing a small incidence in his life with this big problem that lay ahead of him was a pretty intelligent technique. So I'll go with a thumbs up for that. My only nit-pick for this one would be that you could really do with some other words or something else to show how clumsy his knots were even when he knew how to tie them. Also, I'd like to add in that now that you have jumped into another dimension or other style of writing here, then don't leave it half-way. You could really explain and bring in more of emotions of his frustration. Okay, a little secret. I can't even tie my laces properly-that doesn't mean I am dyslexic, but, dude, but it's just that they never seem to go straight. So obviously I have more than just irritation in me, so just use that thing. Show us how he liked to be better left in that irritated and weird stage rather than coming to this complexed time of his life. So, just make us feel that way. Now we know what his mind is saying, but I'd personally like you to go with how he felt about that and now how this is making him feel.
Spoiler
My other thing here would be that strangely enough, I found this whole blood thing in the first part quite weird. I mean, of course you can get yourself stained, but I didn't get how one can do so by a mere paper? I haven't seen anyone do that or have never even tried it myself, so it's pretty weird for me right now. Maybe there's some technical stuff going around here in this one and I am just dumb enough not to get this whole thing. I don't say that it was you who wrote this weird thing, but even in New Moon while they were at Bella's birthday party, I still didn't get how could a paper cut her hand-I think it was a paper? Anyhow, it's not something huge and if what I am saying is fine then you could definitely make some other blood leaking excuse. I trust you to be that smart.
Other than that I have another big issue here. Like big time big. The dad here is supposed to be that maniac on loose, but he's hardly here in the last few chapters. Last time I remember him being here or his mention being here was in the first part and I think it was too far back. Now, even if he doesn't have a solid role till now, you could maybe bring Charlie to think of him or be scared of him or something? I mean, he is supposed to be the man he hates, and no mention of him bugs me off slightly sometimes. You know he was such a cool character(not his nature), but I was really interested and thrilled to read about some different character, but it hasn't happened till now. But I hope that won't be a problem in the next things.
So, overall, I don't have much to say since many great reviewers have already made their way out here. But the one thing I would say for sure is about the length of the story. It was huge-surely you could have posted it up in parts or else cut down something. When you post that much, then you don't get that great and helpful reviews, but if you're posting it in short it's always better. Nothing that serious. But apart from the length, I guess there was so much of action going on in the last that at one point, I totally lost myself. I mean, surely you had some dialog to himself, but slowly my interest was drifting away.
Other thing, one little thing that even Pointe pointed out would be the use of the word 'bloody'. No offence, but generally it's in US English that people use so many swear words. Apart from the word 'bloody' I believe there's a lot of slang and as far as I have been taught, the English English is kind of accent free and swear free. The way they all speak makes me think that they're in US(no offence again), but that's what those American movies portray. On the other hand, I haven't been to either of the countries so my knowledge is of no 'good' use in this case, but I'd surely want you to check on their accent, way of speaking and if this is how you want it and it's not setting up with the English way, then you can anytime change it to America if you're comfortable with it.
Anyways, sorry for the weirdo review, and I hope that I can make up for this later.
Later,
Shubhi(I called myself that again)
Hi Skins! My reviews for you are going to be short. Why? because everyone above me has told you everything I was thinking (LOL).
I notice he says bloody a lot. not living in England, I don't know if they say it that much, but I have read Harry Potter, and they don't say bloody that much. Just a little nitpick.
I liked how he seems to be cut up about it, even weeks afterwards. it shows he has a conscious, which now, in this part of the story, we need to know.
So kudos to you for making that perfect.
Love,
Pointe
If you have any questions regarding the short review, and if you ever need a review again, just drop by my wall.
Hey, Skinso. I'm back and making it up for being oh so long gone. HAHA...
OK, so as I expected, I wouldn't have anything to nitpick. I wouldn't have to actually repeat that your tone and style was so cool, right? So I'll just start babbling about things that confused me:
First though, I have to suggest something for this sentence:
I'd rather have it as a dialogue tag. Basically, it was a phrase and it's better of as a DT (that's dialogue tag, not discussion thread. :lol) As in: "Hey! Stop!" a high pitched voice said.
Next, I have a problem with the papercut. I kept on wondering what he would audition for. As musician? Or just a singer? 'Cause if he was musician of some sort, trust me, I play the guitar and piano and papercuts are seriously hard to deal with when playing an instrument. May seem small, but papercuts are very, very painful. Especially if the cut has cause your finger to be "covered by blood." I was just trying to clear that up. The bloodstains on the audition paper is OK , I guess. It doesn't really matter yeah.
What bothers me, next, is the audition itself. Didn't he need any papers for that? A portfolio, important stuffs besides the audition paper.
Lastly, I keep on thinking about the school. It got me thinking that he was to enter college: a music course, or so; but the school is Greenview High? Doesn't sound like a school who provides high class music courses. Just a thought.
Anyway, so sorry for all those petty things. (and such a short review) But I think, as a writer, you need to be realistic, even though you're a fictionist. Don't worry about it though. I find other lot of strengths in this piece; including Charlie's paranoia. You honestly don't have a thing to worry about it. I mean, he was a witness to an awful awful crime. It was OK. Not a bit exaggerated. So yeah... And his immature act of climbing the gate was somehow related to that paranoia and it's just making it more realistic. So nothing to worry about that. HAHAH... you're good.
~ jash ♥
Here to review Part Five.
This is really awkward. Mess around with it a bit, and try and get rid of that "having something that was so complicated" construction.
New paragraph for this, I think. It's quite an important moment; I mean, he's essentially self-harming, even if it's not quite clarified.
I'm confused about the tense here. He speaks as though he's already found out that he hasn't got an audition. I think you need to use, "It might not be..." rather than "have".
This is slightly random. I'd cut it, or just rephrase it so you only mention shapes in the patterns, and not specifically a turtle.
I don't think "obeying" is the right verb here. Use "doing".
*Austin's *brakes
Again, slightly awkward in the second part of the sentence. Try, "and Austin did the same."
Comma after "stern".
*from
Wow, very few nitpicks in here! The sentence construction has improved a lot in this part.
I agree that Charlie's voice seems slightly different here, as well it would do after the stabbing, but I don't think he sounds any less depressed. He's just less self-deprecating, which is odd. I think it's because his focus on his own problems have been eclipsed by this secret he's got to keep, and the pressure on him is very apparent. You could expand slightly on the paranoia we glimpse when he's faced with the policeman and at the beginning, when he's cut himself with the edge of the paper. Twice in this chapter he inflicts some sort of pain to make him forget the stabbing; once with the paper cut, and once by digging his nails into his arm. I'm kind of in two minds about how much you should play that up. Here, the effect is almost eerie because it doesn't really seem to be acknowledged, but there's a side effect that it's not immediately apparent as to his emotional state. As Elinor said, it's all a little too calm. For me, basically, it read better second time around.
At times this part seems too slow, especially when Charlie's climbing the wall. It takes up a good chunk of the writing, when all that's really happening is that he's climbing. How tall is the wall? Also, he doesn't take a lot of thought to consider whether or not he should basically try to break into the school. For someone who's already thinking he's got the police on his tail, he's awfully quick to risk creating a situation where they might turn up.
Charlie's relationship with Austin is so well written, even when Austin's with his dad. It's immediately apparent as to why Charlie feels so obliged to keep that secret. I could gush about the characters for ages here; it's just the calmness of the whole chapter that seemed so out of place with the content. Not sure whether there's any direct advice for fixing that, but you seem to have a good few reviews which will hopefully have better suggestions than I can come up with right now.
As always, thanks for the read.
- Jet.
Hey there, Skinsy- sorry it took me so long to get here. Exams week. >.>
Okay, so it looks like you got a bunch of super-duper reviews from our super-duper site people, but I'll try to offer something at least.
Wow. This quote took up a whole lot more space than I thought it was going to O.O
Anyways- this part was kind of slow. The tone felt different from the character for some reason as well. I'd speed this up, make it a bit more concise, and maybe throw some more characterization into it.
When the two boys are talking about this, it seems like they should use a euphemism for "stabbing" or something. I don't know, but I feel like saying "stabbing" is really blatant. When people have experienced something shameful or embarrassing, and when they're paranoid about it being discovered, they usually won't say it aloud like that, no matter whether they're alone or not.
WONDERFUL sentence. This creates a really nice reiteration of their relationship while remaining concise. (Holy cow, the alliteration is going to eat me!) You summarize them really well.
This seems a little overdone to me, especially if he grew up around Gareth- while the contrast may be disconcerting at times, unless your character considers the abuse normal everyday-life for everybody (which he doesn't really), I don't think this would be realistic.
This seems really awkwardly placed to me.
If this was the place that he wanted to go, it seems odd that he would insult it-- shouldn't he idolize it in some way? It seems like the cleanliness should represent purity to him or something.
This scene feels a bit unrealistic and forced to me; if he was applying for a new institution, I think that he would really self conscious and wary of making any mistakes. If anyone saw him doing this (which, someone did) it could ruin his chances altogether. I think that he would probably think of doing this, and then catch himself and change his mind.
I'd make a really quick mention to this being the police officer's voice, so that's clear. If it's someone else that will be revealed in the next chapter, make sure we know that he doesn't know who it is.
Okay. All done. That was a really lame review- mostly nitpicks than anything else.
Overall, this is excellent-- you are a superb writer, and always spin really nice stories. This was a little bit slow, but I think that's just because this is a whole chapter for this. In an actual book, I think this would just be a normal speed.
Sorry I couldn't really offer anything real. Great job.
-Coral-
I love this Skins! As always your writing drags me in from beginning to end! I don't really have anything to say because everyone pretty much said it all!:D Great work!
Hey,
. 
)
Thanks for the request
I think your previous reviewers did a fine job picking out your grammar mistakes, so I won't focus on them; plus, I don't really think I found any. I loved the end; it was a cliff hanger, but it also seemed to come out of nowhere. i didn't skim the first couple of chapters like you suggested, but I might after reading this. There were a few things I didn't like: the dialogue seemed to be kind of awkward in a sense. I just couldn't imagine someone openly talking about a stabbing with someone they did it with if they were both afraid of getting caught, so maybe have them interupt eachother right before they say stabbing or have them come up with a code word for it. I love you description, but at times it could get a little info dumpy. For example, when you are describing how Austin and his dad are alike you point out everything that make them alike, and it kind of gets a little boring (no offense). Maybe try to just put the the last couple of things like they thought they were always right, and try to add the look alike things during the car ride or coversations or something. All of these are just suggestions; this is your piece of art, so add them only if you feel comfortable in doing so. (I'm sure you know that
Have a great day,
Tiffany
Here to review this piece. I'm trying to sound formal here, I think that was bad... Well, I'm here so, let's get started!
So here, just making sure.. did he get a paper cut?
I like this part: "...so talking to them about any crap was like talking to a toaster."
Wow, this was nice.
OVERALL: Great story, as always Skins. Some spelling mistakes, I pointed them out. The whole story was good, not much to edit... so, I liked the whole chapter, it was only based on how to get into the school, which was good. You made Charlie kind of forget about the stabbing and focus on the school. But, just wonderin' here, couldn't he ring some doorbell or a button to call someone to open the gate? I mean, those kind of bells/speakers are at gates. But, I like how he climbs over the wall better... he-he. Can't wait for the next part!
Keep Writing!
Nike
Oh Lord,
awayWhat else is there to say after these fantastic reviews? Well. First, I also saw last night that you had posted, but I was on Ipod and knew I'd get to my laptop today. Which means that like Azila, I had planned on reviewing your piece today. Your request beat me to it.
Ok. Well, first off, I disagree with Elinor about Austin just popping in (unless you edited after she reviewed) because, by saying that Austin's been annoying and flicking stuff, I had figured that they'd continued seeing each other. That Charlie was finally saying something about it.
I really loved the part where he was deliberatly (?) hurting himself with the paper. Perhaps punishing himself for not maning up, perhaps to see if he could feel anything at all. I find it shows much about his personality.
I happen to agree that considering how apathetic he was about going, suddenly he had to get it. Maybe you could slip something in there. Like, if he made it to the auditions, if he succeeded, then everything would be ok for him. Which would be another stabbing-thought like Azila mentioned. It would also be a great way of keeping your chapter practically intact, yet offering an explanation for it.
your
*Just a little side note. I'm ecstatic about finding mistakes that 'Zila missed. I know, I have issues
And that was it. I hope I was a little useful, here. If only for those two mistakes.
I loved this chappy, Skinsy, I really did. I think it was great insight in getting to know Charlie (don't even know if that bloody sentence makes sense) and I think you've got the tone of it just right.
Keep using that keyboard!
Tanya
You know what, sir? I read this late last night, and I was about to review it but I was really tired so I decided to wait until today. So, first thing this morning I come online and what do I see? A request from you to review this. >.< I was going to come anyway, I want you to know... Plus, I started writing this this morning and I had to leave for the afternoon but when I got back it seemed like you'd edited a little. Sorry if some of my nit-picks are irrelevant, I wrote those before you edited and I checked most of them but some might be about sentences you've already changed...
I think you mean "laces." As far as I know, "lase" means something along the lines of "to give off light, as does a laser," which doesn't make any sense in the context. >.<You don't need to capitalize the seasons... unless you want to, of course. It just seems a little odd for a piece like this. Also, the second underlined bit sounds awkward to me. I'd been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of Summer, but I'd never imagined to feel so apathetic about it. I think it's the "to feel" that sounds odd. Maybe try: "...but I'd never imagined that I would feel..." or "...but I'd never imagined feeling..." or something like that?
This seems like he meant to give himself a paper-cut--did he? Or was it accidental?
This doesn't need to be in past perfect tense. Actually, the fact that it is implies that he forgot about it before he remembered it. That might be what you wanted to say, but if it's not then I recommend changing it to "...I got rid of it."
I think you mean "confirmation." ^.~
That just sounds a little awkward to me. I think it's the "how two so" bit. Maybe try reordering it: "It was almost bizarre how two places so different could be so close to each other."
Syntactically, this sentence means that the long road was behind something that was behind the gate... which doesn't make sense. Also, you repeat "behind." Maybe try something more like: "Behind the gate was a long road, and I couldn't see what was at the end it."
What's a gorund? ^_~
Syntactically, this is saying that Charlie is being followed by something called a no thanks. ;) Maybe say something like "I shook my head, then muttered a no thanks." Hm... that doesn't sound too spiffy either. Well, just play with it anyway, eh?
This might be a colloquial thing, in case you should just leave it, but "thankful of" sounds really awkward to me. >.< Wouldn't it be more natural to say "thankful for?" I think so, anyway.
I'm going to complain about the past perfect again. You see, this sentence makes it seem like Charlie, looking back on the story after all these years, is thinking he should have gone home. It feels like you might as well say "Maybe I should have just gone home. Maybe if I had, what happened next wouldn't have happened." or something. Instead, you might want to do a "Maybe I should just go home, I thought." kind of thing.
I thought he was apathetic about this? I mean, he was in the beginning of the chapter, wasn't he? So now he's not? Maybe you should explain that shift a little more.
You don't need the first "as." ^_~
Okay. I'm going to stop bugging you about the perfect tenses after this, but I had to point this one out. It sounds like you're saying that the gate was hard to climb, but it shouldn't have been--like you might say that someone was angry but they shouldn't have been, you know? What you mean is that he thought to himself "this shouldn't be to hard to climb." So maybe put that in, in italics or something?
Good to know it's he grass... for a second I thought it might be she grass. ;)
-----------------------------------------
Overall, I really don't see what you're worrying about, sir! This was my favorite Charlie-chapter yet. I don't think you've moved forwards too far. Time-jumps are fine, and you handled this one beautifully. It feels like the novel up until now has been a sort of introduction or something, and this is the real beginning. Managing time in writing is a hard thing to do, but you're fine, I think--don't worry about it. ^_^ His voice felt really genuine, too, and I actually feel like I'm starting to get to know him pretty well. He does sound a bit less depressed now, though, and... wait a second. Let me start a new paragraph to talk about this...
Ah, much better. ^^ Now what was I saying? Oh yes: he's less depressed now. And he sounds a little different from the Charlie in the earlier chapters. But you know what? I like this Charlie better. He's still a bit depressed, but he's sarcastic, too, and a little less self-pitying. I don't want to change your characters, but I think you may want to make him like this earlier on, and make him how he was in the beginning now... if that makes any sense. It just seems like it would be more realistic if the depressed, glum Charlie was the post-stabbing Charlie and the wittier Charlie was the pre-stabbing Charlie. The way it is right now, it seems like the stabbing has changed his personality for the better, and made him less depressed. Like I say, I don't mean to micro-manage, but it's just something to mull over, ja?
On that same theme, I think you need to think about how he is changed by the stabbing. Elinor talks about this too, but I'm still going to give a little spiel, just to let you know how important I think this issue is. Sure, he's been affected somehow, and he knows it... but I can't tell what it is. In the beginning, I thought you did really well with showing a sense of numbness. Like he just tries not to think about the stabbing, and thus he doesn't think about anything. He doesn't let himself feel anything. I really liked that, because it felt realistic... but as the chapter went on, he seemed to forget about all that. There was the brief moment on the wall, where he remembered the stabbing, and I loved it, but it was really brief. Maybe add more of those brief moments throughout the chapter? Maybe have memories of the stabbing pop up and have him push them away? I think that's the way you want him to be dealing with the guilt/trauma/grief/shock/etc., so you might want to show that a little more.
I, too, am really confused about why the gate was locked. However, I have faith in you--I know you have a reason for doing it and I trust that it will be revealed sooner or later. The part that bothered me more was Charlie's reaction. If I were him, and I were auditioning for a school I really wanted to go to, but when I got there the gate was closed, I wouldn't even think about climbing over. I know, I know... he's not me. But still, wouldn't he think a bit more before doing something so rash? Maybe walk up and down the wall a bit to make sure there wasn't another gate, or take out his letter and make sure he had the time and date right? That just felt unrealistic to me.
Lastly, I'm going to echo canislupis about the whole audition thing. I see you've added in a bit about music, but I still am having a hard time believing it. This might be different in Wales, but I know a lot about American performing arts schools, and if you wanted to go to a performing arts high school you'd have to have experience. There is no way you'd even be considered if you'd never studied the art you're practicing to go to the school for. I suggest either making him have more experience, or make the situation with the school a little different--maybe have it be an interview, not an audition? Or maybe make it be some sort of raw-talent-search? Play with it.
Well, that's about it. It's a short chapter, but I liked it. The main thing I think you should consider is how Charlie is affected by the stabbing, and how he is coping. I know this is hard, since you're still working on developing his character and his voice, but I really don't think you should underestimate the power that such an event can have on a person. I imagine he'd be deeply troubled after witnessing something like that.
Of course, let me know if you have questions or anything! I hope this helps.
a
Hey Skins!
So, I'm so glad you posted this! I've been waiting for this next part anxiously ever since I finished the reading and reviewing the last. I like this part as a whole and I do believe that you're progressing the story nicely. It was nice to get into Charlie's head again, as I quite liked him as a character in the first couple of parts. This isn't to say that I don't like Zoey -- she's cool too! I'm anxiously awaiting to read more so that I can see how their paths will eventually cross. Your characters are well developed. You describe your setting and create atmosphere well.
The major issue I am seeing with this story as a whole (and this applies to this chapter specifically as well) is that it's too abrupt, and there doesn't seem to enough connection between the two characters, the passage of time and the way events play out here as a whole. You start off with a solid first part. You get to the second part, which is good on its own and provides follow up to the last, but it doesn't really seem to flow or connect. You get to the third part and we quickly learn how it's relevant to what we've just read and you grasp up with what Zoey is going through. You follow that up in the fourth part, which is good, but then we're starting to wonder about Charlie again. Then you get here and although make a reference to what is holding these two characters together, it feels out of place. First, there is the abrupt time skip, and then you mention the audition which has never come up before and that's where you really lose me. Besides, if Austin is his friend, how would he be able to just barge into his house without Charlie knowing?
Create more of a thread so that these can be tied together, and we'll have a better understanding of the passage of time and how the characters relate. Right now, the whole murder, even though it's supposed to be really important, feels like a footnote to me -- it doesn't seem to affect the characters in the way that it should. Okay, so Charlie's cutting himself. He's depressed, but he doesn't seem frightened or nervous enough for someone who could possibly go to jail. The whole passage of time and the overall calmness of this chapter doesn't make me feel like anything's at stake.
With this chapter, it just seems like you're switching between Charlie and Zoey because you feel like you have to, not because it's relevant to the story. Have you ever read Lord of the Rings, or watched the movies? Since the main characters get split up at the end of the first, the second deals a lot of time away from Frodo, who is the central character, since a lot of the action happens away from him. So, don't be afraid to take ten chapters where you just concentrate on Zoey (or vice-versa) if that's what's necessary.
Also, while I say you describe your atmosphere well, it doesn't exactly show in this chapter. We're catapulted right to Charlie's bedroom a few weeks after all of the main action, his friend shows up out of nowhere, and then he's off to an audition. You drew me in with such awesome description in the very first part; I want to see more of that! Also, I've noticed that you haven't really described any of the characters. Paint us a picture of them, show us what they look like in your mind.
As a whole, that's all I really have to say. You have a lot of talent as a writer, more then I could ever hope for. If you need more specific advice, feel free to PM me. I can't wait to see where this story goes!
~ Elinor
Yes! First! Anyway, after reading up to this point, I'm still engrossed in the story, which is good, and I love your character, which is even better. I feel like the action is going forward still as well, and the pacing is pretty good. There were a few typos, which I'm not going to point out unless you want me to.
. His mood can and should change, but I do think you want to look out for that.
So, even though I liked the plot, it did feel a little slow here. Which isn't bad, but some parts (when he's holding the paper) were several paragraphs when they could be a few sentences. It starts a bit abruptly as well. I'm also a bit confused about the school he's trying to go to. He's going to an audition, right? What kind of audition? Because I think of that as like a talent contest or something. Do you mean like an interview? And if he's invited to go there, what's with him climbing over the wall--if it's a school, you think it's be open, especially if they're running an audition. But maybe I'm just confused.
Charlie's voice--I still like it. You're keeping it consistent for the most part: his timidity, and shame at his own timidity, and now guilt are all very compelling. However, when it comes to the actual words you're using, it's a little uneven. Part of it is just awkwardness in the way you're constructing sentences (eg. ", the trees being the only...." etc. "being" is very awkward. XD) but it's also odd, because sometimes he's sarcastic, and sometimes he's self pitying, and sometimes he's very poetic and uses lots of synonyms
And... that's really all I can think of right now. I'm glad you haven't given up on this because I'm really enjoying reading it. Just to summarize: Remove extra stuff so it doesn't drag, make Charlie's voice more consistent, reword some sentences and maybe explain the plot a little more. Lol, I didn't even have to type that review.
See you!
Lupis