Charlie
Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter, that running would stop my mind from crashing. I actually believed him. Too bad Austin lied.
It rained that night. I was strumming my guitar and playing whatever crap flowed into my head as I stared outside the window when my dad sauntered in. There was a cigarette in his mouth and his bedraggled hair fell flat onto his face. I tried not to look at him at first, but that was a pretty darn challenging thing to do. There was only a limited amount of time I could gaze at the raindrops on the window as the darkness from outside crept into the room. I plucked the guitar with more intensity.
“Will you shut it, boy? You're making a racket!” he spat with his voice coarse. "There was less noise in the middle of a bloody battle in Afghanistan."
My fingers immediately stopped. "I thought you'd gone out for the night..." I could tell that my voice was barely audible to him.
He tilted his head, then glared at me as though I’d just downright insulted him. He cursed and approached me, stumbling slightly along the way. After dropping himself down beside me, he picked up a beer bottle from the floor. I edged away from him in my seat.
“I’m going out,” I mumbled as I leaned my guitar against the wall next to me.
He ignored me as usual while glugging the content of his beer bottle down his throat. Where's my jacket? I glanced at my dad. My eyes scanned the room in search of my black jacket before returning to him for a moment. I really didn't want to have to ask him... I scratched my head, then examined the unkempt floor as I spoke.
“Have you seen my jacket?” Another quiet mumble.
I sounded so fricking pathetic. I pulled my head up and my dad turned to me. The light radiating from the lamp beside him was unable to brighten the shadows that were drowning his bloodshot eyes. I glanced back down at the dirty floor.
"Huh?" My father's voice was loud, almost making me jump. "Speak properly, kid. Honestly."
"Have you seen my coat? The... um, the black one?" I said, this time louder than before.
“No,” my dad grunted as he shot up the volume on the television.
I remained in the spot as I contemplated what to do next. I'd sworn I'd seen him with it earlier on today... He'd given it to Will, my brother. I scratched my head again.
"Are you sure? I think I saw yo--"
“Are you deaf or just plain thick, kid?” He shot me a glare. “I said no. Stop wasting my time.”
I stammered a little, earning myself another few disgusted looks from the man who'd now spread himself across the stained sofa. Stop being so pathetic, I thought to myself. Tell him to sod off... It can't be that hard...
"God, you're annoying..." My dad turned his attention back to the TV. "Have you even thought to look in that dirty bedroom of yours? Common sense, kid. Jesus... You're supposed to get smarter with age, not even stupider."
He started mumbling something to himself, cursing as he did so. The sound of some imbecilic American sitcom turned the soothing patter of the rain into a jagged staccato noise, and as the television's volume was increased even further, the sound of the rain was omitted completely. My knuckles clenched as I glared at my dad. I have looked in my damn room. I ain't that stupid My mind yelled at me to tell him that, to prove him wrong for once, but like always, the words merely clawed at my throat and resisted to come out.
My dad burst out laughing at something, then began bashing the arm of the sofa like some deranged animal. He leaned back with a few more chuckles escaping his lips. His ecstatic grinning revealed a set of stained teeth that resembled a neglected, crooked fence.
"Uh... well, bye then," I muttered, pausing at the door for a moment.
"Are you going or not?" my dad grunted, not bothering to look at me. "Or is opening the door too much effort for you?" He shook his head. "Lazy prick."
I bit my tongue and tried to ignore him and his muttered comments. After pulling the door open, I stalled once more as I watched my father for a moment. I considered saying another goodbye, but soon decided against it. By mistake, as I left the room, I slammed the door rather than closing it.
"Oi!"
As I made my way into the hallway, I could just hear my dad yelling at me. It wasn't long until the deranged laughter began again. I sighed, hastily making my way towards the front door as his laughter shattered my ear drums. Shut up...
I stopped as I passed my room. The door that led to it couldn't even be closed anymore because of the pile of junk wedged behind it. I had tried keeping the room kind of tidy, but there was no hope when my dad and brother chucked all of their rubbish into it. There must have been about four old skateboards of Will's that he hadn't even looked at since he was about ten years old dotted around the room, to begin with. There was even some of my dad's old military stuff buried within the ocean of rubbish. I'd tried cleaning everything out before, but I'd only gotten shouted at for trying to dump my dad's and brother's stuff. I'd also mentioned that all of it was insignificant crap, but that one just got me a busted lip.
Without taking that last thought any further, I left the house. As I stepped outside, I felt like whacking myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to shut up? I damn well struggled to even think about telling him to do so, let alone turning those thoughts into actions. I was so pathetic sometimes. One sentence, one word... That was all it took to stand up to him. Then why did the insults always remain stuck in my stupid throat?
The wind wrapped itself around me and bit at my bare arms as I dragged my feet up the garden path. The raindrops splashed against my skin, sending chills through my body. What a crap excuse for a summer. The terraced houses of the street were towering over me, and the more I walked, the more unearthly their shadows became. I crossed my arms in hope of warming myself up--a rather useless attempt.
After strolling along the pavement for a brief while, I turned to face my house and paused. A simple glance and I could see him through the rain and the murky window. In his hand was a bottle of beer. Would it have killed him to shut the stinking blinds when he was shoving that stuff down his throat? Mind you, when they were shut, they looked putrid, so I guess that wasn't the best option. It was easy to see the bottle of beer in my dad's hand. I turned back around. No way was I going back into that wreck of a place tonight. Being underneath a car was more tempting than spending time in my house.
The wind suddenly roared, knocking a wheelie bin to the hard ground. The litter spilled out, revealing a dump of tasteless colours along with a sickly scent. I stepped over it and accidentally kicked a half eaten slice of pizza. Yum. There was another gust of wind. I knew I should have brought a damn jacket. I shivered.
I couldn’t deal with my own company anymore. Maybe some of the guys were in the park. Once I’d reached the end of the street, I saw the crumbling brick wall that led to the field behind my housing estate. I pressed my palms firmly on the top of the wall. Being careful not to scrape my hands, I lifted myself up and leaped over it. I only just managed to avoid scraping my leg against the rough bricks.
Straightening myself out, I locked my eyes onto the park in the distance. The rain drops in the sky blew into my eyes, which forced me to squint. Through the darkness, I could just see the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames thanks to the dim street lights. The paint had almost been washed off completely since the park had been built because no one ever bothered to give any of the climbing frames a new coat. Then again, that would only get them burnt down after a month or so. The kids around here had a passion for burning things. The crooked metal fence that surrounded the park wasn't too hard to notice wither, its paint just as vague as the climbing frame's. The place didn't exactly scream child friendly.
The grass was wet under my feet as the dirty water drowned my Converse. I glanced up into the air to see that the sky wasn’t loaded with stars, but suffocated by dark clouds. If they began hammering down with anything heavier than drizzle, I’d be really pissed off. I didn’t have any kind of hood or coat on me, no thanks to my old man.
My body relaxed slightly as I made out the shapes of recognisable figures sitting beside the swing set. It wasn’t long until one of them turned around to face me.
“Hey! I’ve been trying to call you, Charlie!” Austin called, grinning.
The second I heard his voice, I sighed, then smiled. Austin took a quick sip out of the can in his hand before putting it down onto the black tarmac of the park. He jumped over the caved-in fence, then pulled the hood of his jumper over his head.
I jogged lightly in his direction. Austin lifted his arm over my shoulder when he reached me, and imitated my grin.
“Where have you been?” he asked before noticing my short sleeve t-shirt. “Bloody hell, mate, this ain't Florida, you know.”
“I’ve just been in the house. Sorry, I’ve kinda lost my phone.” I laughed loudly. “I lost my jacket too... I'll nick yours!”
I was still laughing as I pulled Austin's hood down. He punched my arm before forcing me into a headlock. With my head still underneath his arm, he shoved his hood back up with his free hand.
"You can't spend five minutes away from me, can you, mate? I'm just that great, I guess." I laughed as I tried to free myself.
"Don't flatter yourself, Charlie boy!" He messed up my already scruffy hair, and released me from his grasp. "It sounds like I'm talking to a horse when I call you that. Brilliant."
The crisp air was filled with laughter as we made our way towards the park, and Austin kicked the odd stone here and there. He lifted the sleeve of his jumper to his mouth and began chewing on it.
The guy had a strange obsession with that jumper. He’d had it for at least six years by now, and the thing was in tatters. The sleeves didn’t even reach his wrists anymore, but he adamantly denied that he needed a new one. He claimed that the sleeves were supposed to give him that abnormally long armed look. I just went with it.
“How long have you guys been out then?” I asked, strolling into the park.
“Not long. Half an hour or so.”
Austin followed me inside, reaching for his can of cider the second his feet touched the ground. I rolled my eyes, a smile still on my face.
While Austin sat down, I spotted someone I wasn't quite as happy to see. When I saw Jax, I couldn’t help but clench my jaw. He was grinning cockily as he watched Austin and me.
“How’s your old man then, Black?” Jax’s grey eyes were full of amusement as he looked at me. “He ain’t done a very good job tonight. He should’ve touched that up; it's already looking better.” He nodded at my eye which I knew was a light purple colour.
My jaw remained clenched as I glared at him. Why did Austin even want to hang out with this prick? Jax had the voice of a damn rat, and his eyes were so close together, I was surprised he could even see three dimensionally. Plus, he was the thickest kid in the world. He was staring at me right now, his huge nose curling its equally huge nostrils in amusement. He looked like a warthog. Prick.
“Shut it.” Austin nudged Jax's side. “No one cares. Seriously."
Jax rolled his eyes before suddenly openening his can. The bursting noise sent a shiver down my spine. That was a sound I could never ignore. Probably because I was so used to hearing it. The smell of the fresh alcohol made my nose wrinkle in disgust. The horrible stuff smelt exactly like him. My mind darkened. Anything that reminded me of my dad made me feel nauseous. It felt like my guts were twisted. Everywhere I looked, I managed to see him. It was almost unbelievable how it only took a split second to see that damn man in my surroundings.
After a good two hours or so had passed, Austin had gulped down another four cans of cider. His eyes had gradually become redder, his voice louder and his opinions a hell of a lot stronger.
“Charlie, you seriously.” Hiccup. “Like, really seriously need to try some of this.” Austin held up a new can in his hand. “It does.” Hiccup. “Does wonders, mate!”
I shook my head without even giving it an ounce of a thought. My stomach was churning inside of me as I watched the can being lifted to his chapped lips. Why was there bloody alcohol everywhere I looked?
The two guys were discussing football or something when I heard some deep voices in the distance. I shifted my eyes to the bottom of the field, to where the brick wall was. Through some of the mist, I could just make out a small group of people. My eyes remained on them as the group ambled along the field.
Neither Austin or Jax had noticed them; they were both lost in conversation. I didn’t quite understand how they could find kicking a ball around in shorts and sickly coloured boots an interesting thing to talk about. Well, I could understand why the pea brain found it interesting, but it baffled me that Austin thought it was a good thing to talk about.
The group on the field were closer now. They’d just passed the second rugby post when I turned to look at them again. It looked like there were only three of them, but one of the kids could have easily been classed as two if I took his size into account. I watched him more carefully. Yep, he could have definitely counted as two people.
“Hey, who are they?” I turned to Jax.
I nodded my head at the group who were now a hundred yards or so away from us. Jax broke out of the football conversation for a second, then glanced at the field behind us.
“Dunno... I ain’t seen them around,” he said slowly as he slurred a bit. “Hey, do any of you know them, Austin?”
He turned to the others before watching the group on the field again. They were all dressed in tracksuit bottoms, wearing sports tops or knock-off Superdry hoodies. Either that or they'd nicked the hoodies off of the back of a lorry, which was probably more likely.
Austin jumped up, stumbling slightly as he did so. He laughed as he spun around and leaned on the fence beside him. He spat on the floor.
“Oi!”
As he shouted, the group snapped their heads up. All of them were silent for a moment. The large boy at the front of the group narrowed his eyes as he locked his gaze on Austin.
“Hey! Fatty! There’s no.” Hiccup. “No food here, sorry!” Austin suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. He turned to us. “Did you see that? I just called him Fatty!”
The hysterical laughter continued. Austin stared at the group now yards away from us with an almost lost look surfacing in his dark eyes. I often wondered if Austin purposely tried getting himself killed.
A few of the guys from the group muttered something to each other, but they didn’t seem too bothered by Austin’s nitwit comment, thank God.
“Austin, do you wanna get your brains knocked out by a guy who could probably eat an entire fridge for breakfast?” I shook my head.
“Hey, that’s a good one!” Austin turned back to the group. “Eaten your fridge yet, Fatty?”
Another burst of laughter. This time, his arms slipped, and he only just caught himself before smacking his face on the fence.
Fatty didn’t ignore him quite as well as before. He clenched his fists and began walking briskly in our direction. Well done, mate, I thought to myself, watching Austin as he continued laughing to himself. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed the rest of the group heading straight towards us.
As they neared, their faces became clearer and I soon began to recognise one of them. Lee Pritchard. He was walking beside Fatty as they made their way towards us. Lee lived a few streets away from me, and it wasn't hard to spot his house. Its walls were practically green with moss and mould, half of the windows had cardboard over them and there was this huge black thing that stalked the house's garden. A dog, apparently. Wolf, more like. Judging by what I'd heard and seen of Lee, messing about with him would basically get the crap beaten out of you. So well done Austin.
Austin turned to the gate of the park as they walked in. His face was brimming with amusement. Jax didn’t look too nervous either. I found myself clicking my tongue in anxiety, but I soon stopped myself. I needed to blooming man up. Besides, I was probably overreacting, being paranoid. The group entered the park one by one, each one looking just as aggressive as the next.
The last one to walk in was someone I somehow hadn’t noticed before. Once I did notice her, the fact that I hadn’t done so at first shocked the life out of me. My eyes locked onto a blonde girl as she wandered into the park with her nails in her mouth. Unlike the other four members of the group, she wasn’t wearing any kind of tracksuit material. Everything she wore actually looked clean, to begin with. There was a tight top clinging to her flat waist, and that top shaped ever part of her perfectly. Wow. Her platinum blonde hair was slicked back into a high ponytail, just reaching the bottom of her shoulders. All I could do was stare. How on earth had I not noticed her? I mean, seriously? Maybe Fatty had been blocking my view.
My eyes shot to Lee who had a curved smirk on his face. He nudged past Fatty and stepped forward, stamping on an old cigarette butt on the ground as he did so. Austin winked at Lee as he neared him.
“You have to have your mates sick up.” Austin let out a hysterical laugh, ignoring the fact that there was now a very angry guy standing right in front of him. “I mean, stick up for you, do you, Fatty?” He looked over Lee’s shoulder at Fatty. “Too much energy, eh?”
Jax started laughing as he stood up, trying not to stumble, and even I let out a few chuckles. Austin laughed too, but I doubt he realised that we were laughing at his lack of ability to say words properly when hammered rather than the jokes he was attempting. I quickly glanced at the girl in the tight clothes. Her eyes showed something--a dark look--that wiped my grin off of my face. Her nails remained in her mouth.
While Austin continued laughing, Lee grabbed his jumper. Austin did nothing but laugh even more.
“Who do you think you are, kid?” Lee hissed in his face.
“Lee, leave it.” I whipped my head to the blonde girl.
Her voice was quiet--my ears were only just able to pick up what she'd said. I subtly watched her. It may have been a challenge to hear it, but her voice was so melodic, almost a humming sound.
“What the hell are you looking at?” Lee’s voice made me jump. “That’s mine, idiot.”
I turned back to him and Austin to see Lee glowering at me. I assumed he’d just referred to the blonde girl.
Within a second, Austin had pushed Lee off him. Austin grabbed his jumper this time. I froze.
“Don’t speak to my mate like that!” He shoved Lee against the fence behind them.
I knew that was a huge mistake. Why the hell had Austin done that? There was no way these guys were going to leave us alone now. The blonde girl let out a sudden cry, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed. The others remained concentrated on the two guys fighting with each other. If this carried on, they were going to end up knocking each other's brains out.
Lee glared at Austin with his eyes blazing. Lee lifted his elbow into the air, his fist clenched. Seconds later, it shot forward. As the blow hit him, Austin lost his grip on Lee. Both boys cursed.
“Mate! Knock him back!” Jax shouted as Austin rubbed his nose.
What a prick. Why would you even want to encourage them? Lee’s friends began egging him on, calling Austin every name under the sun. Austin lifted his arm into the air. Lee was soon welcomed by his fist.
"That's it!" Lee grabbed Austin's arm.
He clenched his fist again. Another punch at Austin.
Austin fell to the ground, his eyes more bloodshot than ever in the dim street lights. Or it might have been the blood. Everyone around me was shouting now, a couple of them laughing. The two boys struggled on the tarmac ground as they shot curses at each other. A ribbon of crimson was running down Lee's face where Austin had walloped him, and Austin's face didn't look much better. Besides the two guys fighting, the only one without a smile on their face was the blonde girl. Instead, her lips were quivering.
“Cut it out!” I shouted, jolting up to my feet.
Was I the only one with damn sense here? After being ignored, I darted over to the guys on the ground. Austin was on top of Lee by now. I managed to grab Austin’s arm to pull him off the kid underneath him. I kept my hold on my friend as he was standing up in front of me.
“There could be cops around, you idiot!” I hissed. “Leave it!”
Austin shoved my hand off him with his teeth gritted. His breath was cut short, his eyes on fire. He glanced at Lee before turning back to me.
“Just chill out...” I said, my heart beat gradually slowing down.
Austin stared at me, his face twisted. He tilted his head. He seemed to be calming down as his breathing began to become steady once more. Something hard whacked against my crotch. Austin’s knee.
“Stay out of it!” he yelled.
Intense pain shot up to my stomach from my crotch and I winced in pain. Every breath I had inside of me shot from my mouth as I fell to the wet ground. It was though someone had just struck a hammer in-between my thighs, leaving me to endure the pain with no kind of remedy. Then there was shouting again. I lay on the floor with my crotch throbbing. I could hardly breathe and I could almost feel my stomach doing somersaults inside of me. Crap, that hurt. I lifted my head up. Austin had Lee against the fence again. I gulped.
In Austin's hand was a small, black pocket knife. Shit.
“Go on, Austin!” Jax shouted. "Use the damn thing!"
“Like hell you'd use it!” It was Fatty this time.
I tried to sit up, only to enhance the pain that was now in my stomach. Groaning, I watched the scene unfold in front of me. If I wasn't slowly going into panic, it would have been almost funny how both Jax and the other group were yelling at Austin or Lee, encouraging them to beat the crap out of each other, yet that was all they were doing. Watching. Not one of them were trying to help out or even fight with their mate.
Austin and Lee were standing still now, Lee's eyes struggling to hide any fear. Austin had his back to me, so I couldn't catch a glimpse of his face. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Jax was standing a few inches away from me, and he probably wasn't even thinking about turning to me. Lee's group were opposite us with Fatty screaming for his friend at the front. I turned back to Austin and Lee in front of me.
That was the moment Austin struck.
His hand which held the knife shot back while his free hand held Lee down. I hopelessly attempted lifting myself up, but simply winced again.
“No!” There was a shriek.
It was the girl. Austin paused, his hand still in the air as he glanced to the side of him. The next thing I saw was the girl hurrying towards him. As suddenly as she'd yelped, she grabbed Austin and pushed him to the ground. Austin and the girl landed with a loud thud onto the ground. She was on top of him. I couldn't' see the knife anywhere.
I managed to sit up now, my heart bursting out of my rib cage. It was the only sound to be heard. Everything else was silent. Dead silent. Time stopped for a moment.
“Shit...” His eyes wide, Austin pushed the girl off him.
Everyone was staring at her. Why was everyone staring at her? Austin stood up, stumbling a little. He stared at her too. He hadn’t... I looked at her. He had.
“I’ve...” Lee stammered. “We’ve gotta get out of here.”
Without even looking back at the girl, he ran. He slammed the gate open before bolting out of the park. The rest of his goons followed, none of them bothering to turn to the girl once. Jax ran. There was no one else in the park now. Just me, Austin and her.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was still a light throbbing feeling in my crotch, but I didn’t take any notice of it. The physical feelings were numb. My eyes locked onto the girl’s stomach. I stared at the puncture as what looked like a pool of sticky jam seeped through her tight top. But it wasn't jam. It was blood. I stared at the knife.
“Come on, Charlie.” I jumped the second Austin’s hand grabbed my shoulder. “We could... We can’t get caught.” His voice shook.
I stood up, but I didn’t step forward. I could see her properly now that I was above her. Her eyes were hidden behind their lids, her body was entirely motionless, and each second that past felt longer and longer until they began to feel as though they were turning into minutes, eventually turning into hours... days...
“Charlie!” He was shouting now. “Come on! Forget about it. It doesn’t matter!”
Austin bent down, his hand shaking. Then he pulled the knife out of her. He just pulled it out like she was a slab of meat. The blood poured out quicker.
I felt sick. The smell of damp tarmac circled the freezing air around me, making me want to throw up. Austin stepped over her, not looking down once, and grabbed me. Holding me firmly, he sprinted towards the park’s gate. I ran with him, but my legs just carried me. It felt like I hadn’t moved an inch.
Once I was out of the park, I could run. Boy, could I run. My legs ached as my feet slammed against the moist grass, the water from it running into my shoes. Austin had let go now. He was ahead of me. My lungs were gasping for air, and my body was begging me to stop. So that’s what I did.
Austin jumped over the wall and he was gone. Just like that. It was as though he’d never been here. The only trace of him ever being there was the bleeding body back in the park. Body. I was already thinking of her as dead.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Stop and Stare (Part 2)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,614 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Whoa, usually my below-squirrel-level attention span just can't get through something this long that's on a computer. But this totally hooked me in. I don't think there's much else that can really be said after so many reviews, but I still felt like I had to make sure you realized your own awesomeness here. *Sighh* Well, with that pointless little comment, g'bye, hope you're still writing this because it's a great hook so far.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
I read it, Skins!
And it was an easygoing read. All of the emotions came naturally, which is something I normally struggle with, so props there. Sentence structure, grammar, etc. was awesome. Your characterization, though, was probably your biggest success.
The people seemed to "click" and work as active proponents of the story. You introduced some stereotypical guys: the dad, the one who picks a fight. All is well there, but I would probably try to give more background at some point for the dad except that-gross-drunkard-neanderthal-dude-in-the-house. Since you probably do that later, I won't bother you there or give any suggestions.
A criticism I have would be to make sure the characters and readers learn something from the novel. Every good novel I've ever read had a singular life-tip that I gathered from it. Make this entertaining, but also try to make it pertinent and useful, so that your audience is wider than just kids your age. I think this already has a shot at publication, more so than most other works on this site, so add the element of a concrete message in order to further achieve that goal.
Overall, nice job. I can tell this was a careful work for you, and that you put a lot of stock- so to speak- in your writing. Keep it up.
I'll read 2 next, obviously.
"Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter, that running would stop my mind from crashing. I actually believed him. Too bad Austin lied. "
I'm assuming this first part is supposed to be important. But I found that as I went on in the story I was forgetting about it until I looked back and thought "Why is that there?" The character, Charlie, is thinking about other things. Not Austin. Although Austin is important in the story he isn't brought up until later. If he continued thinking about it in the story it would make sense but he doesn't.
Does that mean its a flash back or flash forward or something? Either way I would start it differently.
All the way to the point of his dad coming in the room I imagined the boy, Charlie, in his room. Looking out a window. All I'm saying is that the setting wasn't very clear for a while.
The dialogue with the father and Charlie felt very real and I could see what he was going through with the claustrophobic surroundings and such. I noticed in the comments how people were mentioning that Charlie sounded like a girl because of his father. I disagree, although you may have changed it, it seems like a timid boy not knowing how to confront his father.
This part I think you meant "putrid".
Mind you, when they were shut, they looked PUTRID, so I guess that wasn't the best option.
I liked the detail on the surroundings and why it looked the way it did and I enjoyed the description so well done. One complaint, the way you wrote it made it sound like it was pouring buckets but only to find out its just a drizzle.
I think you meant "recognizable"
My body relaxed slightly as I made out the shapes of "RECOGNIZABLE" figures sitting beside the swing set. It wasn’t long until one of them turned around to face me.
I liked how you described Austin, he is a real person not just a character. He chews on his sleeves (which I used to do) and such. He seems to have his own way of speech and I loved your description on him.
Now this next part didn't make sense to me and I found myself re-reading it because I was thinking "What?"
“How’s your old man then, Black?” Jax’s grey eyes were full of amusement as he looked at me. “He ain’t done a very good job tonight. He should’ve touched that up; it's already looking better.” He nodded at my eye which I knew was a light purple colour.
Whats his dad's job. I thought he was a bum but I guess you have to have SOME source of income but I didn't get that at all. So maybe a back-story on it right here or something with a little more explanation.
I think you meant "opening"
Jax rolled his eyes before suddenly "OPENING" his can.
I liked how you included the father and his extreme hate for him. The reminder of him through just sounds. Brilliant.
Again Charlie's opinion on the discussion of Austin and Jax (Is "Jax" short for Jaxson?) and how he finds it stupid and even below him.
When the group comes it gets more intense, I love it. You know there's gonna be a fight or something. Which I love, it grabs me and makes me want to know whats going to happen next.
I think you mean "mold".
Its walls were practically green with moss and "MOLD," half of the windows had cardboard over them and there was this huge black thing that stalked the house's garden.
I think you mean "realized"
Austin laughed too, but I doubt he "REALIZED" that we were laughing at his lack of ability to say words properly when hammered rather than the jokes he was attempting.
I love how Charlie is having an inner battle thinking I should do something. But I'm happy to see that he does act. Even though he gets knocked down by it. Your characters aren't super human. THANK YOU. I also could see myself, as the girl, telling them to stop and not being amused.
This part I don't like the word "dashed" I would use a different word like rush, bolt, or dart.
Was I the only one with damn sense here? After being ignored, I "dashed" over to the guys on the ground.
I loved this piece and am excited to read more.
~Keep writing
~Berlyn Rae
Damn. I wish I could write this well.
I've only read this chapter at the moment, but I'm already captivated. Normally, I don't enjoy this type of stuff - I have to have larger than life characters, and that's my weakness as a writer. You're incredibly good at writing realistic characters. You don't rush through, either - you've taken the time to tell us little details about your characters, like Charlie's room being a hotspot for rubbish dumping, that really help develope their personality and background.
I couldn't really spot any problems with this that haven't already been fixed or pointed out. You also write good action scenes. I can't wait to read the rest - I wish at least some of the published novels I have were of this quality.
I LOVE THIS!!!! So blunt, so honest, so real!!! I have to say I admire your writing. The characters are soooo believable, the dialogue is impecible, and the story is gripping! I loooooove it! Keep writing please!
Hey Skinsles!
So, I'm not going to read your past reviews since there are so many and I'm assuming you've edited since then. So sorry if I repeat anything.
I'm a little conflicted since I do actually really like this beginning, like the mystery it gives this. But the first time I read this, back when it was a short story, I immediately thought the MC was a girl (I still picture Charlies as girls, I guess since most people around here go as Chuck or Chuckie or something). Now, it's a lot more obvious this is a guy, but the opening lines still give off a "Boy lies to heartbroken girl" vibe. At least to me.
On the bright side? I wouldn't call that side bright. Maybe dimly lit. That phrasing just sounds a little too pleasant to belong just there. Maybe something like "At least my bloody brother wasn't home." (I know, poor example of me trying to sound British.)
This line felt like you were trying too hard to show us how bad the place is. As if the paragraph before didn't cover that, which it did. This paragraph is mostly just stalling. I'd suggest taking it out.
These two paragraphs basically just repeat each other, though in different lengths. You don't need both.
Okay, so other than these things, I didn't really see much wrong here. In fact, even these things are mostly suggestions, nothing overly wrong. Sorry this is such a pathetic review, but in all fairness, you're not really giving me anything to work with.
Hopefully I'll catch a break on the next chapters.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Hey Dude! Sorry for the delay.
First thing: you know what sucks? When people give you lots of reviews for the first chapter, but by the time you get three or four chapters down the line you have few or none. I'm just going to be brief on this first chapter since you've had a lot of feedback to work with already. There's only one major thing I want to comment on.
Sentence structure:
I think you still need to experiment much more with sentence structure. As far as the writing itself goes I could only find two faults, the first being the I's. A *lot* of your sentences start with I's. Generally that word disappears into the background of text, but when you use it at the beginning of a sentence it sticks out, and the actual structure of the sentences gets repetitive.
The second is your use of commas. As a simple rule, if the sentence still makes sense without the comma then don't use it. It's very easy to fall into the habit of relying on commas to pace your story. When we speak we tend to pause a lot for effect, but in text putting those commas in too much tend to make it quite bumpy and break up the flow of the paragraphs in a way you probably don't actually want them to do.
Both of these could be fixed if you just start playing around with all the different ways you can phrase things, and how you can re-arrange your sentences to have the same effect but without the added punctuation.
Positives:
I love the dynamics between Charlie and Austin. Their long-time bond as best friends is quite evident, and together they work really well. Jax is also quite an easy character to dislike. Another thing I like is your use of italics. The difference in narration blends together seamlessly when it slips from storytelling to direct thought and back.
So, on to Chapter 1.2
I might become everything you fear in a reviewer just because of the sheer size of this document xD.
Alright so, because most of the nit-picks were taken care of, I'm just going to jump right into this one without further adieu.
Firstly, I would like to note upon your repetition of words. I can tell there is a slight dialect to this piece which is interesting to read as I'm sure its interesting to write, but there are sections when things shouldn't be taken in dialect. Repeating words, for instance, especially nouns and adjectives, gives the appearance of being sloppy.
Thats why, as a writer, one must always work on expanding their vocabulary. You don't need to repeat the same word over and over again if you know a word of similar meaning that can be pieced into those areas, such as 'kind' being replaced with 'nice' and so on and so forth.
Another note I would like to make about your writing is that you overuse adjectives in areas. For an example from your piece;
This sounds silly, ne? So don't think to much on adjectives. You already know a lot, so use them sparingly instead.
Next, I would like to touch up on your telling and not showing. The beautiful thing about writing is when the writer may encapture a moment without even having to state what that moment is. Use imagery like ribbons of crimson instead of stating blood. Little things like that make you sound more descriptive and interesting than just telling us what you want us to see. Imagery is key. A good way to work on this section would be to try and write a short story. Maybe about a soldier who died and the mother mourning, but you cannot say the words mourning, mother, soldier, war, or son anywhere in this piece. It forces you to create imagery instead.
Next, I want to talk about writing in the eyes of a male. You do this pretty well in some areas, and then peter out completely. For and example from your piece;
Really? Gaudy looking boots? If you are trying to portray a heterosexual male, this is not the way to go. That might be a females way of thinking, but definitely not a males. Always remember that girls are from venus and boys are from mars. We think differently and always will. None of this equality crud because no matter how much science grows and gets stronger, there will always be differences and this is one of them.
Also, work on that fight scene... it was not so well described. You talk about punches being thrown but you use the same wording for every punch. Theres no imagery or metaphors. Just 'his fist flung'. 'his fist flung'. It seemed repetitive and hard to really believe.
What I liked was your character, conflict, plot, and dialogue.
~Walker
Hey, Skins, here I finally am. Sorry for taking this long!
Let me do some nitpicks first.
Maybe it's the "certain amount of time", but I think this is a bit too wordy and awkward for a sentence, not to mention that it's quite long.
I think the second clause is redundant. When you say your fingers stop, it automatically means the guitar goes silent, so I don't think there's a point in saying it.
Why not just say "He cursed and approached me, stumbling slightly along the way"?
Do you mean "pile"?
By "being underneath a car", do you mean "getting run over"?
You have a nice, neutral style that flows well and is easy to read. I like it. Also, you wrote that "battle" scene really well! It was intense -- I was nearly on the edge of my seat, waiting for what would happen next. So, very nice! I would definitely keep reading if this was a random book I had picked up. So I might go on to the next chapters!
Demeter
x
Finally here to review, Skins, haha. I'm so lazy. On to the review.
There are two things I have a problem with here. The word "crap" - most aspiring musicians would never call their work, even when they're mucking around, "crap". Maybe "melody" or "tune" would be better. Or if you wanted to get specific, you could say you were trying to learn the lead guitar parts of a Dragonforce song (definitely would cause ears to bleed, and the father would have a reasonable reason for being annoyed).
The second thing that made me question the story was him playing in the lounge room. If he's been warned/told off about playing anywhere else bar his room/knows his father hates his type of music, why would he play in the lounge room?
Wouldn't you go check your room first etc? Would be a good opportunity to describe his room/the house and his economic/social status early on.
I don't know why, but this sounds weird to me. Maybe, "The sound of some brainless American sitcom drowned out the soothing patter of the rain."
Sounds contradictory.
For some reason your style of writing seems really passive. I think it's because of the wording, "It felt as" instead of just outright saying it. "It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me" versus "The terraced houses towered over me". You're not verbally tell this story, it's written. So "I felt horror" is not as visually pleasing to read as, "Horror spread in a visual wave across my face".
You do a lot of pausing lol.
From what I remember, the blinds were open in the beginning. Your main character didn't shut the blinds, so why should his father?
I don't think it's necessary to tell the reader about every step and when he starts walking. The reader assumes he's walking etc.
More passive writing. "I squinted when rain drops blew into my eyes. I could just make out the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames illuminated by the dim street lights." Obviously mine isn't much better, but you get the idea.
"I was surprised"
I think it's Converses. Because you've said feet, not foot. So shoes, not shoe.
Your main character's voice is really dry. He doesn't think exciting thoughts in boyish ways. Instead he's thinking, "I'd have to do exactly that". Who thinks like that?
No need to ever say, "I felt" unless you're talking. To a psychologist. What sounds better, "I felt things crawling on me" or "Things crawled on me".
Hyphen needed.
Spain seems like the most random location he could have thought of. Australia, Egypt, Hawaii - any of those would make more sense.
I feel as if too much just happened here. You don't need to describe what every single person is doing at every single moment.
Pirrrate.
I don't know why that is funny.
*wince*
lawl nice.
I don't know. Drunk people don't generally get aggressive. And they certainly don't lash out at their best friends.
Go ask a boy how it actually feels. Quote, "Breathless, paralysing, nauseating".
=/=
Contradictions. Nothing about this should have been funny.
This was weird because I thought you were referring to Austin himself. Obviously you meant the girl, but you get what I mean. Perhaps, "The only trace he had ever been here was the bleeding body back at the field. Body. I was already thinking of her as dead."
So, overall.
Charlie is odd. You could completely remove the whole mess about the jacket. Generally a person has more than one jumper. I think the whole animosity between the boys in the beginning is unnecessary. Those scenes can be entirely left out. Just Jax, Austin and Charlie at the place. And only four unknowns, including the girl. No need for extra characters that don't really play a part.
If Jax gets drunk with Austin, then that's enough. Jax can be urging Austin on. You don't need three people to urge on a fight. I didn't really like the mucking around and joking/teasing/taunting between the boys in the beginning in the first place - it just seems like filler writing. Something to add space between the drama in his house and the fight in the field. Which is why I'm suggesting to cut out the two extra boys.
Unless they play a significant roll in the future, that is.
Um, I think that's about it from me. On to chapter two.
- Jai
Hey Dude, It's me the coolest person you will ever have the chance to meet
. Seeing as you told me to review this, I will.
I liked it, especially the way it started. Your main character was cool, and you made me feel sorry for him in bits, and you have a way of making me follow the story without being aware of it.
The whole 'One Bad Drinking Session' was a lovely idea, and it was well executed. Although I would have liked it if you lengthened the fight scene -I like me some blood and gore-. Anyway I don't believe I have anything spectacular to add to this review as everything has already been said.
Sorry that this is an absolutely useless review.
Anger:D
Holy long, Skins!
I mean, you said there were plenty of reviews but like, you could have warned me.
Anyways, I'm not going to do any grammar nitpicks since I didn't see any. (Yay?)
All in all, I liked this. I felt like there were a few places that maybe your dialogue was an unnecessary filler, particularly in the middle, but it wasn't bad unnecessary filler either. I think I'm probably only saying that because it was so long. The filler, I think, more than anything, helped create a connection with the reader to Charlie which is great. Just be careful with how much you try to make readers connect to quickly. It has to be the choice you nudge them at, not so much you deciding it for them.
But I like this overall. The ending sort of shocked me even with the hint of foreshadowing you gave (I love foreshadowing by the way) because I saw it going in a different way. So I really have to give you props for that. Honestly, this is really nice and I don't know quite where you're going to take this because of the character who seems like more of a flight guy then a fight guy in the end so be careful to maintain his withdrawn, feminine character.
Still, *hands over the keys to a Camero* I think you deserve this!
~lilymoore
Ah, curses! That cliff hanger!
This is really amazing, and I see it's gotten a lot of responses so to be brief: My only beef with this is that the first half gets a little tiring after a while. Yes, we see this boy's life is hard and that his father is a drunk. Already our imaginations are doing work for us as we read; what kind of childhood he must have had, how junky the house might be, his misery, etc. But some of the paragraphs seem to drag a little about the whole situation. On a few occasions it felt as if "Wait, I think I just read this same thing, but worded a little differently." So maybe a little snipping here and there, and it makes for really great reading. It definitely hooks interest right off the bat, and I can't wait to read more.
since everyone already did the nitpicks, I am just going to give my opinions.
Wow. As always, your creativity, writing style shines through.
1) Charlie sounds like a girl. I have never met a dude that sounded like that.
2) you say damn waayyy to much. In the beginning its in every other sentence.
3) YOU HAVE ME ON MY KNEES! Is the girl dead *raises eyebrows*
4) Austin is drunk, drunk drunk. Maybe a little more drunkeness through out? because 4 cans a beer is going to effect them. Stumbling around, singing songs the usaul drunk stuff. Google it.
5) We need to know how Charlie feels. You talk about it a little, but I need more.
Overall:
Loved it.
~pointe
Hey Skinsy! I haven't read anything of yours in a little while...
...(by the way, I - and many others, I am sure - am still waiting for FreakPunk's next chapter of Hide and Seek)..
Aaaaanyways.. Moving on!
Normaly this is the part where I do nit-picking, but honestly! People have already done a loooot of it, and I hadn't noticed that much to begin with. In other words, useless to nit-pick. *nods head in agreement with herself*
So, I'll just go over the chapter. I loved the MC, plain and simple. I like how he berates himself - although not usually a good thing - that he can't face up to his old man, yet with his "friends" he acts all tough. It's realistic; something I would see myself doing if I'd be in his shoes. The other characters were good too, although they're all idiots, in the end.
The only thing that bothered me was the girl. Not her, per say, but how she's treated. She's with the other group of guys yet they don't really acknowlegde her. And then once she gets stabbed, her "group" doesn't even seem to care that she's dead. They're only panicked that they could be caught. Not one of them feels bad that she's dying! Maybe you'll have explained this further on, but for right now, I find that unrealistic. Or maybe they didn't really know her, but I find that hard to believe. Just my opinion though.
As for the flow of the story. Well done. It was easy to follow through the story and your MC's thoughts. Contrary to what some said, I didn't think there was too much description. It was aaaall good.
I'm not sure how much help I've been, but that's my perception of the story. I liked it, but now I really want to kow what happens next. I hope it goes well for the contest!
Good luck
Hi Skins, here as requested. Seems like you've had a lot of content-based reviews, which is great, because that leaves me to nitpick what little there is I would consider revising here. I love your characters, and I wouldn't have remarked on a gender confusion at all without having read the other reviews. Charlie's pretty realistic, I think. Anyway, I decided to be really nitpicky, so some of these are personal/fairly minute. I write predominantly from third person, so I don't usually distinguish between a somewhat odd narrative voice and flow issues. Okay, excuses aside, I'll start. xD
Usually, "downright" is all one word. I'd debate including the rest of the sentence from "as though", because surely "glaring" suggests offense or anger anyway? The qualification isn't completely necessary.
I'd cut one of those, because I trip on the repetition as I read this paragraph.
Consider cutting "black". After all, shadows are always black.
Just a typo there. Sorry if people have caught these before, but I didn't go through all the previous reviews in detail.
When you say "gaining myself", I think you could use "earning" to have much the same meaning without the clunkier construction.
I think it's because you've got "mumbling" and "raising", but this sentence suggests those actions are sequential rather than separate. I'd begin the second half of that sentence with "and raised" to distinguish the timing and ensure they seem unrelated.
I'd cut "sounding", and possibly "though" towards the end. Both lessen the impact of the sentence.
Again, I'd cut the last half of the sentence, from the em dash, because it doesn't do much for the flow.
Just a typo again. The sort that Word's grammar check never seems to bother to underline in between all the "fragment - consider revising".
Did you mean "scram" here? Seems like the wrong word...
Repetition of "thing" is awkward. Rephrase?
I'd cut "was being". Again, for fluidity.
Just a typo.
I'd just say "smirking", because we infer the rest.
I don't know if "yelp" is the right word. It's just usually associated with either animals or people in physical pain. Suggesting "cry", instead.
Haven't anything else to comment on, really. The narrative gets a lot smoother once you hit the fight scene, which is very well written. I was actually pleasantly surprised to see the girl wasn't just passively set up as a love interest. Detail like that and small changes make up for some of the more general clichés of the plot. After all, Tropes Are Not Bad.
I'll try and get to the rest of the chapters some time this week, though I might have to finish up at the weekend. Thanks for a great read.
- Jet.
Hey Skins!
I'm here to review as requested! First, I'll point out some nitpicks and then I'll talk about the story in general.
He would say ‘only’, because he’s trying to convince him to let him stay up, ‘almost’ would imply it’s too late to stay up
I would use a different adjective because ‘lighten’ and ‘light’ sounds too repetitive.
On a side note, up to this point I was convinced Charlie was a girl for some reason
I thought these could be two separate sentences and the use of ellipsis wasn't entirely necessary, though on the other hand it does appear that he was thinking about when he'd seen him with the jacket, so perhaps it's more effective.
Í'm not entirely sure if I'm right, as British slang is not my strong point, but I thought that for the character of Austin, you could perhaps use harsher slang. Blooming hell almost sounded like a euphemism for something like 'bloody hell' to me. Given that he's about to kill a person and run off, I thought a harsher phrase was in order and the expression does not fit with his character that well. Still, I may be completely wrong, feel free to say so.
I don't like this last sentence. It's got too much to do with the title and it seems forced, like it shouldn't be there. It just doesn't belong there. It meddles with the flow.
Now that I'm done nitpicking, it's time to give you actual general feedback on the story line and characters. Here's the truth, I loved it! Yes, it can definitely be improved upon, but give me one piece of writing that can't. I was particularly impressed by the way you described Austin as drunk and italicized the word 'hiccup' to imitate the sound. I thought that was very effective. A job well done there.
The boys did appear a bit too violent and almost keen to get into a fight, but I have to admit that this was probably because of the drinking, so it makes sense.
I, like one of the people above me, do not understand why you needed to have the gay part in. I mean, I haven't read the story and perhaps it has some significance later on, but I felt it was almost overused. I mean, sure sometimes guys say stuff like that, but it was mentioned too many times so perhaps you may want to consider that.
Now Charlie was a very interesting character, almost feminine, I'm not sure if that's what you were going for. Also, I noticed that he sounded slightly depressed, everything around him upset him to an extend. This is probably because of his father who messed him up, but in certain occasions he almost came off as whiny. I did like the fact that he was more responsible than his friends and did not drink, as that definitely set him apart from them and made him more original.
I'm not sure if I'll have time to review every chapter, but if not I'll definitely read the whole story and PM you what I think of it, because this first chapter definitely got me interested. Good job, you have a hook and a cliffhanger! Keep writing, Skins! You're obviously good at it
Hey!
The characters seem realistic and I loved the humour sprinkled throughout the piece, even though the story seems to be quite dark. I want Charlie to stand up to his dad 
So I saw that you were asking for more comments on this and, seeing as you did such an awesome review for me, I thought I'd try and repay the favour. Alas, everyone else seems to have already covered everything that I was planning on saying
I did notice a couple of typos, but looking back through the piece, I can't find them. I must have a keen eye only when reading
I have to say, your writing has improved so much from when I first started reading your work! You managed to hold my attention the whole way through and you've left me wanting more
I'm definitely going to carry on reading this - you have me hooked - I hate cliffhangers!
Sorry my review isn't very constructive. The typos can be fixed by reading back through the piece yourself, so you don't have anything major to change in my eyes.
Thanks for the read and Good luck in the contest!
xDudettex
Hiya there Skins
SO I've been meaning to get to this for just about forever. I'm dearly sorry that I haven't before-- it's been sitting on my Reading List for quite a while. BUT, here I am.
So let's get started:
Wait, are they in an apartment or is he still in the house? I was picturing a front door of the house, and then was a little bit confused.
I was actually planning on addressing this a bit earlier. Personally, I've dealt with having an alcoholic in the house, and it's really difficult to be around it with friends. While my friends drink, they don't drink around me, because they know it bothers me. Not a lot, but it makes me uncomfortable because of all the memories that are attached with it. While the others are total jerks, Austin seems like the kind of guy who would understand that.
This part was really confusing for me. The "Then it happened" was awkwardly placed, so I was looking for WHAT had happened. I thought Austin had stabbed Lee, but there was nothing saying that. And then, I was wondering if that's what you meant by the next line. So, after settling on that, Lee runs away after the girl is stabbed. Then, I went to reread and understood.
Yes. Kind of confusing.
I think that if you cleared this up a bit, it would really make this section a lot more powerful as an entirety. This is a really climactic point, and should hold as much tension as it can.
Excellent ending.
Overall:
Nice piece- you definitely carried my interest the entire way, have shaped some excellent and well-rounded characters and have a nice plot. In the middle you were kind of lacking in narrator appropriate description I think, and there were some inconsistencies that I mentioned, but those were almost more nit-picks than anything else. This was great.
Nice job!
-Coral-
Wow! Unfortunately I'm on my itouch-dang tiny keyboard- so I can't do an in depth review, but I really enjoyed this! Can't wait to read the next part! -booky
Alright Skinsy, bare in mind those reviews that you saw was when I was a little bit cu-koo, so this one probably won't be that good. Especially since you have 20 reviews...Literally.
. I liked how your character asked future plot questions which are yet to be resolved, it makes the reader think about the plot more, so yeah, keep on doing that. Lastly, for this little paragraph thingy, I'm glad you put this in general fiction novels. Because this is going to be a Romance story, right? And if you were to put it in Romance it would be complained for having to much action and vice versa.
. Your characters' actions fits their characteristics, such as Charlie waiting in the background, Timmy chearing on, and Austin getting straighht into the action. Sometimes, I'm uncertain why they are doing such things, for example Charlie questioning what his friends are doing. I know it's hard to write in the opposite gender, however not all guys are complete twats when they get a lil' drunk, and don't fall into the cliché or a really sensitive guy, who hates fighting ect. I think you've clearly outlined the characters' strengths and weaknesses, especially with that whole fighting..scene..thing. Yeah. Right now I know of the Protagonist, but who is the Antagonist? The one stopping Charlie? Because it could be his dad. Is it Austin? Because if it was, he wouldn't have such a good relationship with him. Or maybe the conflict between them happens later? And if it is Austin, he is clearly strong enough to push Charlie to his limits.
. Now, your sentence lengths are quite varied, however I noticed quite a few two claused sentences in the figth part-which is the action of the chapter. So, remember to use shorter sentences during action scenes, it help create tension and suspence. Most of the time, the story is telling itself, and you as the author is not intruding in it, trying to clear up some parts, so, good 
. You've used cause and effect a bit in this chapter/part, remember that that should help you during these types of scenes.
x
So, part one, the beginning of your story had so much importance to the story line, I believe. I most definetly think I learned a hell of a lot about all the characters, and what they're like. I really do want to read more, so, I'll probably review Part Two soon...Whenever I can
I'm not too sure of the plot so far, however I can tell that your characters work with it and I hope they continue to do so. Now, at some points I was rather confused as to what was going on, but I think that's just about me because I find myself having to read things twice a lot. It was the part with Austin beating up Lee, when we didn't know Lee's name and we reffered to him as Fatty. I thought that whole part was a bit long, I mean I understand that a lot had happened, however with so much dialogue it got quite confusing. I can say that you did a good job in making sure one thing led to another, and you didn't have weird back-story's in the middle which just confused everyone. I can also say that it was VERY exciting to read, and if you see something long you're sometimes thinking, I have to review this?. But even though this was a long piece, it had me going the whole time, so I commend you for that. This chapter was mainly set in two places, the park and Charlie's house. I think you definately made the change between those two places very clear. Like I said, this was an exciting chapter, and the action was like BAM BAM BAM. It was escalating and escalating and the end was really O.O. Yes, I'll explain how I felt about your work with a weird smiley
Your characters are very, very good in the way you've characterized them using all the techniques (showing the characters appearence, displaying the characters actions, revealing the characters thoughts, letting the character sepak, and getting the reactions of others). My main concern about your characters is that Timmy and Sean sound virtually the same. I know this is just a first chapter, but they sound like followers. I do admit, however they have voices of their own, and if they don't like something they will say. But then with all the drunk-ness, it's hard to say
You've kept to the same POV all throughout, well done. This story is dual POV, right? That's what I remember seeing, I think...somewhere. If there is, do they come in the next chapter or what? I'm excited to see, mwahahaha. Generally, I think that you've kept the interier monologue to a minimum, don't be afraid to use more of that, but make sure you show, and don't tell. Also, I think you've probably done the right thing with an action scene here- not using too much interier monologue. With less-action-packed scenes, use his thoughts mor often, but again not too much. Stop repeating yourself, Tamara). Right now, I think you've done a good job of showing, not telling, and well done!
Alright, I'm goig to scadaddle now. Sorry if I wasn't much help, but I hope I did help!
~Tamara
I like this story. Even if I'm not usually a fan of romance.
Even with the cliffhanger at the end, I'm not sure about what you've added to this chapter to pull the reader into the next. Unlike in your other story, A Shot Of Arrogance, we wait to find out who the heck Oliver is and who Victoria will end up marrying, if she does at all. (Yes, you deserved the read, and I liked it. Even if I don't do romance.) But here...?
I mean,we would certainly like to know who the others were, and why they were hanging around, but... oh, I'm really sorry. I told you, I don't do romance. Which means I'm not that great at reviewing it.
Other than that, and other minor mistakes, it was okay.
- Alexandra
Spoiler
Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter. He said that running would stop my mind from crashing. Austin lied. My best mate lied to me. Like this opening, but for the 'best mate' part.
It rained that night. I was staring outside when my dad sauntered in, a cigarette in his mouth and dark shadows under his eyes. I tried not to look at him at first, but there was only a certain amount of time I could gaze at the raindrops on the window.
“Don’t you have school or something?” he asked, his voice coarse.
"It’s almost eight o’ clock in the evening.” I chewed my lip. "And it's Saturday..." My voice was barely audible.
He tilted his head, glaring at me as though I’d just smacked him in the face. Ok, so he's mad, but is this the best description? I'm guessing smacking isn't something your MC does very often.He cursed, making his way to the sofa I was sitting on, stumbling slightly along the way. After dropping himself down beside me, be picked up a beer bottle from the floor. I shuffled away from him slightly.How do you shuffle sitting down?
“I’m going out,” I mumbled, standing up.
He ignored me as usual, glugging the content of the beer bottle down his throat. Where was my jacket? I glanced at my dad. My eyes scanned the room in search of my black jacket before returning to my father for a moment. I really didn't want to have to ask him... I scratched my head, concentrating on the floor as I spoke.
“Have you seen my jacket?” Another quiet mumble.
I lifted my head and my dad turned to me, the light radiating from the lamp beside him unable to lighten the black shadows you already mentioned these.. the emphasis isn't bad, but couldn't you find something else to talk about?under his bloodshot eyes. I quickly glanced back down at the dirty floor.
"Huh?" My father's voice was loud, almost making me jump. "Speak properly, boy. Honestly..."
"Have you seen my coat? The... um, the black one?" I said, slightly louder than before.
“No,” my dad grunted, shooting up up the volume on the television.
I remained in the spot, contemplating what to do next. I'd sworn I'd seen him with it earlier on today... He'd given it to Will, my brother. I scratched my head again.
"Are you sure? I think I saw yo-"
“Are you deaf or just thick?” He shot me a glare. “I said no.”
My father hadn't touched me, but it felt as though he'd just walloped me right in the face.Hmm... it seems like, if he's used to this, harsh words wouldn't affect him so much. I stammered a little, gaining myself another few dirty looks from the man who'd now spread himself across the stained sofa. Stop being so pathetic, I thought to myself. Tell him to sod off... It can't be that hard... Like this. Your character building is subtle, but consistent.
Cursing again, my dad turned his attention to the TV. He started mumbling something to himself. I couldn’t hear the rain pattering against the window now Why? Because of the mumbling?. Instead, the sound of some old American sitcom filled my ears.
My dad burst out laughing at something, tapping the arm of the sofa like some deranged animal. He leaned back, a few more chuckles escaping his lips. His ecstatic grinning revealed a set of stained teeth. This description feels forced, like an afterthought.
"Uh... Well, bye then," I muttered, pausing at the door for a moment.
"Are you going or not?" he grunted, not bothering to look at me. "Or is opening the door too much effort for you?" He shook his head. "Lazy prick..."
I bit my tongue, trying to ignore him and his muttered comments. I pulled the door open and paused, watching my father for a moment. I considered saying another goodbye, but that thought certainly didn't fall through.This doesn't make sense... By mistake, as I left the room, I slammed the door rather than closing it. As I made my way into the hallway, I heard him yelling at me, cursing Getting kinda tired of all this mention of cursing without knowing what he's saying, exactly. I'm not saying you should actually write the curse words, but still, it's annoying. ;D even louder.
It wasn't long until the ecstatic this implies great happiness, not humor, at least to me. Pops doesn't seem like the very happy... laughter began again though. I sighed, hastily making my way towards the front door as his laughter shattered my ear drums.This is a bit dramatic for someone so timid, doncha think? Shut up...
Without giving it a second thought, I gladly left the house.It seems like he's been giving it second thoughts—after all, it took him forever just to get out of the room. As I stepped outside, I felt like whacking myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to shut up? But I damn well struggled to even think about telling him to do so, let alone putting those thoughts into actions. I was so bloody pathetic sometimes. One sentence, one word... That was all it took. [b]To do what? It doesn't seem like that would help him. On the other hand, love this anyway.Then why did the insults always remain stuck in my stupid throat?
The wind wrapped itself around me, biting at my bare arms as I dragged my feet up the garden path. The raindrops splashed against my skin, sending chills down my body. It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me, watching my every move as I passed them. I crossed my arms in hope of warming myself up - a rather pathetic attempt really. Eh, don't like the 'really'.
After strolling along the pavement for a short moment, Don't like this either. I turned to face my house and paused. A simple glance and I could see him through the rain and the murky window: my dad.Who else would we be talking about? Would it have killed him to shut the stinking blinds? It was just as easy to see the bottle of beer in his hand. I turned back around. No way was I going back into that wreck of a place tonight. Being underneath a car was more tempting than spending time in my house. On the bright side, at least my brother wasn't home.
Will. He was nothing like a brother, let alone a twin brother. Fair enough, we might have been fraternal twins, but that didn't seem like an excuse for him to be the dick that he was. I laughed bitterly as I kicked a stone, sending it flying across the road, eventually dropping into one of its many potholes. Will was what I'd have called a sheep. He practically lived and breathed my father, doing whatever the man told him to. This is kinda boring... wouldn't just a short resentful thought about his sucking up be enough?
I sighed heavily. In the end, the guy was still my brother - my twin brother too, so I had to at least pretend to like him. Mind you, it wasn't as though he thought the same way. I kicked another stone, and started biting on my lip. I knew that I didn't have the right to play the innocent kid. I'd deservingly lost that right five years ago. If it wasn't for me, she... I shook my head. Don't think about that now.
The wind suddenly roared ferociously, knocking a wheelie bin to the hard ground. The litter spilled out, revealing a rainbow of bland colors rainbow doesn't equal bland, to me., along with a sickly scent. I stepped over it, accidentally kicking a half eaten slice of pizza. Yum. There was another gust of wind. I knew I should have brought a damn jacket. I shivered before taking another step forward.
I couldn’t deal with my own company anymore. Maybe some of the guys were in the park? Once I’d reached the end of the street, I saw the crumbling brick wall that led to the field behind my housing estate. Pressing my palms firmly on the wall, I lifted myself up and jumped over it. I only just managed to avoid scraping my leg against the rough bricks. Sentence structure is a bit monotonous here. Maybe try; “I lifted myself up and jumped over it, just managing to....”
Straightening myself out, I locked my eyes onto the park in the distance. A few rain drops blew into my eyes, forcing me to squint themdelete 'them'. The dim street lights just allowed for me to see the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames had almost been washed off completely since the park had been built. No one ever bothered to give them a new coat. It surprised me that I was able to see the dull colours through the mist in the air.
The grass was wet under my feet, almost delete 'almost'drowning my Converse. I glanced up into the air to see that the sky wasn’t graced by stars, but ruled by dark clouds. If they burst even greater than they had already, I’d have been more than annoyed.More than annoyed? Really? What does that mean? Either the clouds are bursting, or they aren't. Maybe say they're threatening to unleash more than the drizzle, or something... I didn’t have any kind of hood or umbrella on me. I could cope with the drizzle at the moment, but I couldn't be dealing with walking around in soaked clothes tonight if the rain began to fall heavier.
I felt my body relax slightly as I made out the shapes of recognizable figures sitting beside the swing set. It wasn’t long until one of them turned around, facing me.
“We’ve been trying to call you, Charlie!” Austin called, grinning.
The second I heard his voice, I sighed, a smile on my face. Austin took a quick sip out of the can in his hand before putting it down onto the black tarmac of the park. He jumped over the almost I've noticed a lot of almosts in this piece.... don't really care for them—they weaken the prose. caved in fence, pulling the hood of his jumper over his head.
I jogged lightly in his direction, a smile creeping onto my face. Austin lifted his arm over my shoulder when he reached me, imitating my grin.
“Where have you been?” he asked before noticing my short sleeve t-shirt. “Blooming hell, mate, it ain’t summer, you know.”
“I’ve just been in the house. Sorry, I’ve kind of lost my phone...” I laughed loudly. “I lost my jacket too... I'll nick yours!”
I pulled Austin's hood down, still laughing. Austin jokingly smacked my arm before pulling me into a headlock. My head still underneath his arm, he pulled his hood back up with his free hand.
"What's this, mate? Some gay attack?" I asked him, trying to free myself.
"Don't flatter yourself, Charlie boy!" He messed up my already scraggy hair, releasing me from his grasp. "It sounds like I'm talking to a horse when I call you that... It's great."
The crisp air was filled with laughter as we made our way towards the park, Austin kicking the odd stone here and there. He lifted the sleeve of his jumper to his mouth, chewing on it.
The guy had a strange obsession with that jumper. He’d had it for at least six years by now, and the thing was in tatters. The sleeves didn’t even reach his wrists anymore, but he adamantly denied that he needed a new one. He claimed that the sleeves were supposed to give him that abnormally long armed look.
“How long have you guys been out then?” I asked, lifting myself over the park's fence.
“Not long,” Austin said. “Half an hour or so.”
He followed me over the fence, reaching for his can of cider the second his feet touched the ground. I rolled my eyes, a smile still on my face.
Glancing around the group, I spotted a few people my eyes weren’t happy to see. Jax was fine; it was when I saw Timmy and Danny that I couldn’t help but clench my jaw. They were both grinning cockily, watching Austin and me.
“How’s your old man then, Black?” Danny’s grey eyes were full of amusement as he looked at me. “He ain’t done a very good job tonight. He should’ve touched that up; it's already healing up.” He nodded at my eye which I knew was a light purple colour.
My jaw remained clenched as I stared at him. Timmy laughed beside him, not trying to hide it for a second. Why did Austin even want to hang out with these pricks?
“Shut up, Dan.” Austin nudged his side. “Don’t try and make us bog off because you want some alone time with him.” He winked at Timmy, making kissy noises.
I laughed this time as Austin gave me a high-five. The two turnip heads muttered under their breaths, picking at the lids of their cans.
Jax opened his can, the bursting noise sending a shiver down my spine. That was a sound I could never ignore. It wasdelete 'it was' probably because I was so used to hearing it. The smell of the fresh alcohol made me I've also been noticing a lot of descriptions that start with “made me”--this is another pet peeve, but I really don't like these except in rare cases. Maybe try something like “I wrinkle my nose in disgust and the smell of the fresh alcohol..” wrinkle my nose in disgust. The horrible stuff smelt exactly like him. My mind darkened.
Anything that reminded me of my dad made me feel nauseous. It felt like my guts were twisted. Everywhere I looked, I managed to see him. I looked at the field around me. The dead leaves on the ground was his dirty hair and the mud that covered them were his eyes. It was almost unbelievable how it only took a split second to see that damn man in my surroundings. I'm not sure about this paragraph. I like that his dad makes his nauseous, but the other parts seemed like he was just trying to illustrate his own point...
Austin gulped down another four cans of cider.That was fast. His eyes had gradually become redder, his voice louder and his opinions a hell of a lot stronger.
“Charlie, you seriously.” Hiccup. “Like, really seriously need to try some of this!” Austin held up a new can in his hand. “It does.” Hiccup. “Does wonders, mate!”
I shook my head, not even giving it an ounce of a thought. My stomach was churning inside of me as I watched the can being lifted to his chapped lips. Why was there bloody alcohol everywhere I looked?
The guys were discussing football or something when I heard some deep voices in the distance. I shifted my eyes to the bottom of the field, to where the brick wall was. Through some of the mist, I could just make out a group of people. My eyes remained on them as they ambled along the field.
Neither Austin, Jax, Timmy, or Danny had noticed them; they were all lost in conversation. I didn’t quite understand how they could find kicking a ball around in shorts and gaudy coloured boots an interesting concept to talk about.
The group on the field were closer now. They’d just passed the second rugby post when I turned to look at them again. It seemed as though there were only four of them, but one of the kids could have easily been classed as two, taking his size into account.
“Hey, who are they?” I turned to Jax, who was sitting next to me.
I nodded my head at the group who were now a few hundred yards away from us. Jax broke out of the football conversation for a second, glancing at the field behind us.
“Dunno... I ain’t seen them around,” he said slowly. “Hey, do any of you guys know them?”
He turned to the others before watching the group on the field again. They were all dressed in tracksuit bottoms, wearing sports tops or hooded jumpers, most of them being knock-off Superdry ones, most likely. Don't like this description—you could just say “or knock-off Superdry hooded jumpers.”
Austin jumped up, stumbling slightly as he did so. He laughed as he spun around and leaned on the red fence beside him. He spat on the floor.
“Oi!”
As he shouted, the group snapped their heads up, silent for a moment. The large boy at the front of the group narrowed his eyes as he locked his gaze on Austin.
“Hey! Fatty! There’s no.” Hiccup. “No food here, sorry!” Austin suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. He turned to us. “Did you see that? I just called him fatty!”
The hysterical laughter continued, Austin’s arms still rested on the top of the fence as he stared at the group now a few hundred yards away from us, an almost lost look surfacing in his dark eyes.
A few of the guys from the group muttered something to each other, but they didn’t seem too bothered by Austin’s nitwit comment, thank God.
“Austin, do you wanna get your brains knocked out by a guy who could probably eat an entire fridge?” I shook my head.
“Hey, that’s a good one!” Austin turned back to the group. “Eaten your fridge yet, fatty?”
Another burst of laughter. This time, his arms slipped, only just allowing him to stop himself from smacking his face against the damp fence. Hmm. Maybe try, “and he only just caught himself before smacking....” Also, the fence is coming up an awful lot. Now it's damp, before it was red, and before that it was almost caved in. I think just one description would be enough.
‘Fatty’ didn’t ignore him quite as well as before. He clenched his fists, walking briskly in our direction. Well done, mate, I thought to myself, watching Austin as he continued laughing to himself. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed the rest of the group heading straight towards us.
Austin turned to the gate of the park as they walked in, his face brimming with amusement. Timmy, Danny and Jax didn’t look too nervous either. The group entered the park one by one, none of them looking as though they wanted to shake hands and make up. This seems kinda roundabout—in my experience, guys don't tend to use euphemisms like that.
The last one to walk in was someone I somehow hadn’t noticed before. Once I did notice her, the fact that I hadn’t done so at first shocked the life out of me. My eyes locked onto a blonde girl as she wandered into the park, her nails in her mouth.
Unlike the other four members of the group, she wasn’t wearing any kind of tracksuit material. Everything she wore actually looked clean, to begin with. There was a really tight top clinging to her flat waist, shaping it perfectly. Dang. Her platinum blonde hair was slicked back into a high ponytail, just reaching the bottom of her shoulders. All that delete 'that' I could do was stare.
How on earth had I not noticed her? I mean, seriously? Had I turned gay for a brief moment or something? My eyes remained wide. Even if I was gay, I’d have to have been blind not to have noticed this chick. Maybe ‘Fatty’ had been blocking my view? Hmm, does this have to do with his Dad? If so, then I like it. If not, it's annoying. xD
One of the dark-haired boys stepped forward, stamping on an old cigarette butt on the floor floor? In a park? Isn't it, like, dirt or grass or something? as he did so. Austin foolishlydelete 'foolishly'. winked at the boy as he neared him.
“You have to have your mates sick up.” Austin let out a loud laugh, ignoring the fact that there was now a very aggressive guy standing right in front of him. “I mean, stick up for you, do you, Fatty?” He looked over the dark-haired boy’s shoulder. “Too much energy, eh?”
Timmy and Danny started laughing along with Austin, both standing up. Jax did the same. Even I let out a few chuckles, a small smirk on my face. It was pretty funny... I quickly glanced at the girl in the tight clothes, whose eyes showed something - a dark look - that wiped my grin off of my face. Her nails remained in her mouth.
While Austin continued laughing, the boy who was now right in front of him grabbed his jumper. Austin did nothing but laugh even more.
“Who do you think you are, kid?” the boy hissed in his face.
“Lee, leave it.” I whipped my head to the blonde girl.
Her voice was quiet; my ears were only just able to pick up what she said. It may have been a challenge to hear it, but her voice was so melodic, almost like a song.
“What the hell are you looking at?” Lee’s voice made me jump. “That’s mine, idiot.” Eh, this is clichéd.
I turned back to him and Austin to see Lee glowering at me. I assumed he’d just referred to the blonde girl.
Within a second, Austin had pushed Lee off him. Austin grabbed his jumper this time. I froze.
“Don’t speak to my mate like that, zit face!” He shoved Lee against the fence.
The blonde girl let out a sudden yelp, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed. The others remained concentrated on the two guys against the fence.
Lee glared at Austin, his eyes blazing. Austin lifted his elbow into the air, his fist clenched. Seconds later, it shot forward. As the blow hit him, Austin lost his grip on Lee. Both boys cursed.
“Mate! Knock him back!” Timmy shouted as Austin rubbed his nose.
Lee’s friends began egging him on, calling Austin every name under the sun. Austin lifted his arm into the air. Lee was soon welcomed by his fist. He cursed Here we go again with the cursing... this time, grabbing Austin’s arm. Lee clenched his fist again. Another punch.
Austin fell to the ground, his eyes more bloodshot than ever. This seems like an odd thing to notice, given that it's dark, and he's fighting. And where is the blood coming from? Or it might have been the blood. Everyone around me was shouting now, a couple of them laughing. The two boys struggled on the ground, shooting curses at each other. The only one without a smile on her face was the blonde girl. Instead, her lips were quivering.
“Cut it out!” I shouted, jolting up.jolt makes me think of electricity. Maybe say, “jolting to my feet” or something?
Was I the only one with damn sense here? After being ignored, I dashed over to the guys on the floor. Austin was on top of Lee by now. I managed to grab Austin’s arm, pulling him off the boy on the floor.Rep. Of floor.
“There could be cops around, you idiot!” I hissed. “Leave it!”
Austin lifted himself to his feet, his teeth gritted. His breath was cut short, his eyes on fire. He glanced at Lee before turning back to me.
“Just chill out...” I said, my heart beat gradually slowing down.
Austin stared at me, his face twisted. He tilted his head. I was about to speak when I felt something hard whack against my crotch. Austin’s knee.
“Stay out of it!” he yelled.
Intense pain shot up to my stomach from my crotch, making me Again, with the making me... wince in pain. I fell to the wet ground. It felt as though someone had just struck a hammer in between my thighs, leaving me to endure the pain with no kind of remedy. [/b]This is, again, too dramatic. I think you can do better than that—instead of talking about the pain, talk about his body language like you do in the next paragraph.
There was shouting again. I lay on the floor, my crotch throbbing. I could hardly breathe. I was winded lol, really? This is redundant.. Dang, that hurt. I lifted my head up. Austin had Lee against the fence again. I gulped. In Austin's hand was a small, black pocket knife. Shit.
“Go on, Austin!” Danny shouted.
“Use the damn thing!” It was Timmy this time.
I tried to sit up, only to enhance the pain in my stomach and crotch. Groaning, I tried Try just “I watched the scene watching the scene unfold in front of me. Then it happened.
Austin’s arm shot back, the free hand without the knife in it holding Lee down. I hopelessly attempted lifting myself up. I winced again.
“No!” There was a shriek.
It was the girl. The next thing I saw was Austin being pushed to the ground. As he fell, he reached out, grabbing the blonde girl’s arm who’d just pushed him. Austin landed on the ground. The girl had fallen on top of him.
I managed to sit up now, my heart bursting out of my rib cage. It was the only sound to be heard. Everything else was silent. Dead silent. Time stopped for a moment.
“Shit!” His eyes wide, Austin pushed the girl off him.
Everyone was staring at her. Why was everyone staring at her? Austin stood up, stumbling a little. He stared at her too. He hadn’t... I looked at her. He had.
“I’ve...” Lee stammered. “We’ve gotta get out of here.”
Without even looking back at the girl, he ran. He slammed the gate open, bolting out of the park. The rest of his friends followed, not bothering to turn to the girl once. Jax, Timmy and Danny ran. There was no one else in the park now. Just me, Austin and her.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was still a light throbbing feeling in my crotch, but I didn’t take any notice of it. The physical feelings were numb.I'd delete this sentence. My eyes locked onto the girl’s stomach. I stared at the puncture, the blood seeping through her tight top. I stared at the knife.
“Come on, Charlie.” I jumped the second Austin’s hand grabbed my shoulder. “We could... We can’t get caught.” His voice shook.
I stood up, but I didn’t step forward. I could see her properly now that I was above her. Her eyes were hidden behind their lids, her body was entirely motionless, and each second that past felt longer and longer until they began to feel as though they were turning into minutes, eventually turning into hours... days...
“Charlie!” he was shouting now. “Come on! Forget about it. It doesn’t matter!”
Austin bent down, his hand shaking. That was when he pulled the knife out of her. He just pulled it out like she was a slab of meat. The blood seeped out quicker.
I felt sick. The smell of damp tarmac circled the freezing air around me, forcing meMaking me? to want to throw up. Austin stepped over her, not looking down once, and grabbed me. Holding me firmly, he sprinted towards the park’s gate. Seems like it would be very hard to do this...I ran with him, but my legs just carried me.If he's running, we assume he's using his legs. It felt like I hadn’t moved an inch.
Once I was out of the park, I could run. Boy, could I run. My legs ached as my feet slammed against the moist grass, the water running into my shoes. Austin had let go now. He was ahead of me. My lungs were gasping for air, my body begging me to stop. So that’s what I did.
Austin jumped over the wall and he was gone. Just like that. It was as though he’d never been here. The only trace of him was lying on the floor, unconscious... Dead? I simply stopped and stared. My mind couldn’t comprehend anything greater. I'd delete the last sentence.
Hi Skins! Here is part one of two.
Personally, I thought it was a boy from the beginning, and didn't think he seemed like a girl (except or one or two more dramatic parts where he seemed just a little... well, overly poetic.
You really like writing stories like this, don't you? I'm not complaining; you do it well. But still, I kept thinking this was a continuation of the other one I read. While, like I said, I think it's working for you, you might try at least a slightly different situation. (Especially the part about his mom—it jumped out for me.)
Then, pacing—it was pretty good, but I think I'd spend a little less time in the beginning (with his Dad, and the like. I really enjoyed reading it, but feel like at least a bit of it could be saved for later—you really want the first chapter brief and engrossing.) The part in the park was well done as well, but I found myself stumbling over the knife fight. It felt a little stilted to me, personally. (Seriously, way too many fences going on) Especially the part when the girl ran forward; I didn't have a clear picture of what was happening.
Your characters were great—the dad was believable (if a bit clichéd) and Charlie was very very well done. Austin and the girl were good too, but the other characters were a bit flat. Lee was just annoying that way, actually, and Austin's friends didn't really seem to do anything. Be careful with the “good boy who's starting to hang out with 'bad kids' even though he's better than them” thing—it's ok now, especially since it's from his POV and most people think their own actions are right, but it could definitely get annoying if you go too far.
As for where you're going from here, I'm a little iffy. Charlie is obviously already feeling very, very guilty. I'm very interested to see how he deals with that, as he really has nowhere to go. But I think I'll stop rambling now.
And.... I think that's all I have to say! I definitely feel like reading the next bit now.
Hope I helped at least a tiny bit!
Lupis
(I was alarmed when I realized that you had complimented my reviews without me actually having given you one. So here I am!
)
I want to hug your narrator. Seriously. I want to reach into your story and chase him down and give him a big, awkward hug. He's that endearing. Some of it is situational-- his father, his friends, his being in the wrong place at the wrong time-- but a lot of it is simply his narrative voice. He's so funny and wide-eyed and generally incredulous. I love it!
Specifically, my favorite moments were when he "yums" over the old piece of pizza and when he sees the girl for the first time and gets all surprised at himself for not noticing her sooner. Both of those made me laugh, but they were also great, eloquent little pieces of characterization. Overall, I think the greatest strength to this narrative tone (besides the endearment) is that it forces you to write deftly, to depict the moments and details which the reader is bound to remember and care about (because the narrator, as a down-to-earth and typical dude, would not notice them otherwise.) It's a wonderful filter system.
The one thing I would suggest stylistically would be to make sure that you don't get caught up in those pithy moments and remember your plot, placement and pace just as you would in a less colorful narrative. Especially physically. You dawdle on minute emotional details-- the smiles, the groans, the shakes to the head-- which is fine in terms of personal choice, but there is a snippet when Charlie meets up with Austin and the others in which "I sighed, a smile on my face" and then, a paragraph later, "I jogged lightly in his direction, a smile creeping onto my face." Don't use those facial descriptions as substitutes for moments of emotional clarification, because they simply aren't telling enough to work as such. Your dialogue is awesome and very revealing, so don't hesitate to have faith in it. Charlie's dad doesn't have to shoot glares or have a coarse voice-- we can hear it and see it in the things he says.
And, for something completely different...I got a little muddled near the end (when the action picked up) about where exactly everyone was in the scene. I reread, and I think it has something to do with phrasing. I had to de-scramble the moment when the blonde girl pushes Austin and she falls down on top of him. Charlie identified the girl first, and then the push, and then the grab, then Austin's fall, and then clarified where the girl was. That's a lot of independent action in what could have been fluid motion: the girl pushes Austin, Austin reacts, they fall (cohesively), and Charlie reacts.
As for the action itself...on the one hand, I'm totally enthralled with Charlie and feel for him, standing in the middle of the park with a bleeding girl after everyone else totally bails. I'm also kind of upset that these boys bailed at all.
Either way, I'm invested.
I was snooping through the other comments and I've seen some remarks about your plot so far being typical, or at least not something that hasn't been done before...I suppose that's true, in that there are always stories about likable teenage boys whipping out knives (hello, Outsiders?) but I don't think that's any reason not to see this particular story to its end. After all, Charlie's got his own personal world with his endearing voice and his problems with his father and the fact that the girl he thought was cute just got stabbed at his feet. I found him an intriguing enough character to see him through, and provided the plot continues to explore his personal issues and voice, I would stick with him. If it really is a concern, I would suggest to play up his "home life" aspect even in the midst of the action-drama of the stabbing. That's the part of the story which is organic and has previous influence over Charlie as a character, after all.
And that just made me remember-- I also really liked the line/paragraph when Charlie flinches as the can cracks open. That was very evoking and well done.
Send me any questions, and thanks for the read!
Dissolved
Hi, Skins!
Just a question; what season is it in the story? I was thinking fall, but I'm not quite sure. If that could be cleared up, t'would be great.
So, here is your requested review, and I'm sorry this took so long! This will be my first review in a while, so excuse the rustiness. *rolls up sleeves*
So, I liked how this started out. You had a nice atmosphere built up, and I really liked how you characterized the father. I could almost feel like I was inside the house, and the murky weather that you describe only enhances the desperate and hopeless situation that Charlie is in because of his father, and we sympathize with him because of it. It will be interesting to see where you take both of their characters.
When you got to the park I started to get confused. I how you built up atmosphere and setting on the walk there, and the half-eaten slice of pizza was a nice touch. However, while you say that it's almost 10, I don't really get a sense of the dark in this chapter at all. So you could work on that when you revise. in the first scene, does darkness pour through the windows? When he walks to the park, can he barely see?
The scene with the friends was well-done and it felt realistic and genuine, although it was a bit hard for me to follow at first. When the girl came, you somewhat lost me. So how exactly did they get into the fight? Because Austin tried to steal the dude's girl? You talk about the girl being wounded, but then you mention Austin is hurt and wounded...
Try to slow the scene down, focus on the characters and how they interact with each other.
Otherwise, I really liked this and I can't wait to see where you take it! PM me if you have questions or if anything was unclear in the review.
~ Elinor
I read this back when you first posted, and now I'm wishing I'd replied then. I think I'm territorial over reviewing grounds. Which is sort of pathetic, now that I think about it.
Regardless, I'm finally here. Per usual with me and your stuff, it'll probably be all over the place and contradict itself and all that good business.
First things first: I liked it very much. I particularly liked Charlie and the dialogue and will probably ramble about both in due course...and I guess there's no time like the present.
So, Charlie. I actually didn't have a hard time picturing him as male. In fact, i thought he was male in the first paragraph, which is unusual, since usually I assume the gender of the character to be that of the author until told otherwise. But, not here.
A lot of people will make a huge deal about writing through the perspective of an opposite gender, and they'll talk up "getting inside a dude's head" and try to figure out the write sentence structures to use. They'll say how difficult it is and bemoan this and that. But, we females don't have to understand men to write male characters--and male writers don't need to understand women to write female characters. You, in this case, just have to understand Charlie.
The more general understanding is useful for other stuff, like his interaction with his friends here, which was pretty good, I thought.
But, back to Charlie. I thought you represented Charlie well. He's one hurting, lonely dude, as far as I can tell. The prose matches the dialogue too, by which I mean that the Charlie you present through the prose is matched by the Charlie we get through the dialogue. The general patheticness, the sort of weakness (these are good things, from my perspective. Make for good literature). I guess if I had to go for one word, it would be defeatedness. Poor Charlie.
That's not to say that everything you wrote agreed with me. Some lines struck me as out-of-character, and a few struck me as out-of-POV.
Don't forget this is first person and you have to contend with the two fatal flaws of it. The first is that question of whether Charlie is actually recording this, etc--which I talked about with A Shot of Arrogance. The second is that only what Charlie here experiences can go down on the page. Only what he sees, hears, tastes, feels, smells, knows, thinks.
I find this line particularly interesting in this regard. It can be very interesting, actually, depending on one's interpretation. My far-too-many-years-of-hardcore-English-literature-classes sense gets all excited, because in that sense, I interpret this line as meaning that Charlie is aware of how weak and timid he is--he hears his own voice as a mumble, a quite mumble.
But if he's not actually hearing his voice as a quiet mumble, 'another' one at that... then you need to rephrase. I don't think most people who mumble chronically are aware that they're mumbling. I might be wrong.
Same sort of thing goes for here:
If he can barely hear himself speak... wow. But usually barely being audible is what the listener perceived something as. (On an unrelated note, mayhaps it'd be better to consider explaining what he was doing instead of explaining his interpretation of the results? Share his thoughts behind something?... maybe I'll come back to this.)
An example of something that seemed off-character to me was...
Okay, so this is a combination of the POV thing and the character thing. Basically, I singled this line out because it's particularly articulate, almost poetic. And maybe Charlie is somewhat poetic. But, when I'm pissed off and hurt simultaneously, I personally don't register that awful feeling of being under scrutiny as the buildings themselves watching over me.
Does that make sense? In third person, you'd be able to express that feeling that way. But, unless the thoughts in Charlie's head are really It feels as though the terraces houses beside me are towering over me, watching my every move, then you might want to consider describing the things he's experiencing more immediately. What is he aware of as he's walking down the street?
The cold definitely makes sense.
Gar, way to be confusing, Rachael. Way to be confusing.
I guess my main advice in this regard would be to Charlie-ify it up. Get into his head, describe things as he'd see them, etc, etc. He's got a good voice already, but I know you can give us more. (And I know because your dialogue's so good. This makes perfect sense in my head.)
Ah-ha! Another example to talk about:
This is a particularly articulate thought process. I sure wish I could phrase things like that inside my own head, especially right there at the moment. Maybe back at home, after a bad encounter with a friend and the friends of hers/his that I don't particularly like, maybe then I'd ask myself, "Why does she even want to hang out with them?"
But, for me, I might be focusing at the moment on all the things I didn't like. The way whoever pops her bubblegum, or the way someone's always being derogatory. My point being: unless Charlie is writing from a future, wiser, smarter state where he can put his not-quite-articulate thoughts of then into articulate thoughts for the reader... you need to go into a less direct mode.
And try to convey Charlie's underlying thought of "Why the heck does my friend hang out with these losers?" in describing all the behaviors of these friends that piss Charlie off. You do a good job with the alcohol thing, and his reaction to it. But, please sir, may I have some more?
(Mooooooore?!)
Okay, I think that was confusion enough on that topic for one critique. Definitely let me know if you have any questions! I really need to work on the explaining things clearly business.
Onto other things for now. I should be better at explaining these things.
I got majorly confused with the fight scene. Couldn't keep track of who was who or what was going on--and, perhaps more importantly, who was doing what. My suggestion would be to watch those pronouns (lots of 'he's can make things confusing), and another would be to develop the setting a little. I had no idea what the surroundings were, so it was, "They're against the fence? What fence? Where'd the brick wall go? The field? Huh?"
Another thing that was confusing: you mention that these people in the track suits are a few hundred yards away. A few hundred yards. That's a huge distance. And Austin manages to shout all that way? And they manage to see how big "Fatty" is from that far away?
Also, "Fatty" is Lee, right?
And why don't Lee's cronies get into it with the other boys in Austin's company here? Try to defend him when the knife comes out? It's interesting if it's intended--sort of shows the lack of loyalty between the members of both groups--but, something to keep in mind.
Finally: remind me to explain dangling modifiers in the next critique. (Though I guess this is really just a reminder to myself to remember to tell you about dangling modifier...)
Anyway, I think that's all I've got for this critique. Please let me know if you have any questions. I'm pretty sure I might as well have written the first half of it in Gibberish for all the sense it made, but mayhaps you'll figure it out. If not, again: PM, Wall post, email, telepathy.
Rach
You're an awesome storyteller, Skins. I'm sorry it's taken so long to get around to reviewing your piece, but I ran into some unexpected trouble trying to get University applications in.
I don't know if you've ever seen Scent of a Woman, with Al Pacino, but there are elements to your story very reminiscent of that movie. Dead Poet's Society too. Let's break your story down into conceptual terms. Your protagonist has a really tough life and his friends are the only place that he can really feel at home at all. You take that comfort away from him by forcing him to watch hes friend commit a murder. You give him a moral dilemma that involves deciding whether to compromise the only place that he feels at home. The stake is high, the tension is high. In those terms, I'd say you've achieved what you want to achieve.
Let's move past the tension into the exposition. We have a little to improve here, though not much. The first place that I'd say your exposition is less than ideal is at your introduction of Will. You force yourself into a position that does not allow you the opportunity to show the dynamic between your protagonist and your brother. The only option you allow yourself is to tell it. This, I cannot help but think is a mistake. It's enough to tell us that on the bright side your protagonist's brother wasn't home. You have mentioned Will earlier, and all we need to know at this stage is that your protagonist has feelings of resentment toward him. When we encounter Will, you have all the opportunity to show us the tension between these two. It also allows for an element of mystery to keep Charlie's relationship with Will under the wraps until it need be revealed. Leave us with the curiosity until you can do the scene justice. A brief mention to foreshadow the relationship is what you want.
The other weird thing was the room description mentioned in part 2. It seemed like some lame attempt to characterize that was completely out of place. Besides, your character has a conscience, he wouldn't notice a messy room. It seemed out of character and threw me. He's also a coward, which means that he is unlikely to go sit quietly in his room after he discovers a murder has just been committed for which he feels the guilt. He wants to be alone, most likely. He's going to mourn and then feel an intense hatred for Austin. If he eventually toes Austin's line, it's not going to be because he sympathizes. It's going to be because he's scared.
The story itself is strong, but slightly flawed. The question I think you need to ask is really how guilty Charlie actually feels. If he is as guilty as you have portrayed him, chances are he's coward enough to find refuge for his guilt by turning himself in. What you are really trying to portray is that he knows nothing will happen to him. After all, he did get kicked in the balls to save the girl. He was only guilty because he ran. What he is afraid of now is continuing to survive with no place to run. He has no friends he can trust. His father is a drunk. His brother is following in his father's footsteps. The focus needs to shift to portray this fear. Of course, he doesn't realize this yet. The guilt he experiences was born from his realization that he is not willing to face the music and save the girl at the cost of his friends. He didn't realize, they were already lost to him.
The next question is where does the story go from now. There are infinite possibilities, but remember the following things as you continue:
1) Open an escape route. An ideal for which your protagonist can grasp. This is very important in keeping up the suspense. We need to be routing for him, but if there's no visible way of escape we will lose interest.
2) Charlie needs guidance and companionship. For him to atone for his sins, he needs to be able to build himself a concrete life.
3) Your story is primarily a character story. It's focus is on the development of Charlie from coward into something more. The story needs to flaunt this character arc as much as it can.
Very nicely done. I enjoyed the story remarkably. The idea at the end of the second part is intriguing. Remember, though, don't make the mistake of many writers and let this mysterious deja vu overshadow the character story.
Hope I helped!
Yoda
P.S. the only thing I didn't like was the gay part. I didn't find anything in it. I just felt like it was a blank space to fill up and make the chapter longer. But if it's important, ignore me. and oh! I love the fridge part. :p
Hey, Skinso, as promised back in your page, I’m reviewing your story. =) I don’t know though if you’ve changed anything since the time I’ve saved this on my lappie-toppie, but I hope not much.
I'll be using a different format now. (LOL) The old one is boring me... Plus, I could only find a few, so I'm pointing out each. =) And I also feel like blabbering right now. (I swear I didn't eat anything sweet today.)
The first sentence didn't strike me much. Probably because of the highlighted sentence. It was plain confusing. Maybe I'll suggest that if you put it in quotation marks it would help the readers not to get confused. But the best solution, in my opinion, is that you rearrange it:
The two He said's add to the flow. =))
Also I suggest that you change the word "crashing". Use something more specific.
I think this clause should be a separate sentence instead. It was a bit awkward at first. I had to read it again before understanding it. Why it should be a new sentence instead?--because you've already used a lot of clauses. If possible, try to use the simple sentence structure. Using clauses for every sentence lessens variety. When everything is long, and a reader tries to connect fragments and clauses for each new line, you may bore the reader. Don't worry much about short simple sentences. It's only natural to use each kind of sentence structure especially in prose. =)
But, like the previous one, there's an alternative remedy to that if you don't want the clause to be deleted: rearrange! XD
A semicolon in unnecessary here. I'd suggest a simple comma, or a dash maybe. The highlighted part is just a subordinate clause; it doesn't need a strong punctuation such as this sentence.
The previous sentences are better of with commas really.
So I'm just not sure with the Hiccup's. But you may ignore this...
If we expand the contraction, it would read this:
So the first have isn't really distracting, as well as the second. But when it came to the third one, ummm... so this isn't really a nitpick. It was just an unusual, thought grammatically right, sentence. Nice one, Skinso...
I was thinking, maybe you had meant every, um...for example, mean or bad...or whatever. XD It just seemed lacking an adjective. I see no reason why Austin would call him every name under the sun.
Ummm... O_o yeah, I didn't understand a single sentence there, I'm sorry. I've given up trying to guess what it meant.
So, you asked and I'd have to say: YES! This is definitely enough for a hooking first chapter. XD (*ehem...fan) The style and structure was good. =) I've always looked up to you when it came to characterization. I mean, how do you do it?! The characters seemed so real. *pouts* XD I couldn't actually believe this was your very first. You EDITED IT!!!! *mean look* HAHAHA... it was too good to be your first: the style, the characterization. Nice job, Skinso. You've left me speechless again--for an overall speech, I mean (I kept on dadadada-ing in the nitpick section). :p
Now I'm curious, as usual, about why it's called "Stop and Stare"...
I'm off to read chapter two, and find a cover. (LOL)
~ Jashy ♥
Okay not that you needed this reveiw-you have loads! :0
Just to say, I loved your plot. I felt like I was there. I can't really add anything as you already have recieved some great critques.
You have a lot of talent.
Well done, I fel tlike I was there the whole time, when it was over I practically sighed with relief and then I realised It was only a story.
Can't wait for more.
Kaka xx
Hello! I'm here to do stuff 8D!
Is it me or there was that certain song that kept on repeating itself when I was reading this? Hmm... :l
I did like this very much and I do have to say, I love blood and gore details the most in a story
LoL, I will say that someday... someday...
I can't believe that he actually got drunk that quickly .-.
How old are they to be exact? I know/think that they're in school.
That... got to... hurt.
Well I actually thought that this was going to be a romance novel ( which I don't like that much, since it makes me cry ) until I read the end, now I'm happy... and feeling a little bit devious too. With MY grammar skill,
I would not want to go and fix( or rather I can't find any since the others kind of correct them already )it.All I have to say now is... I wuv it! I cannot wait for the next chapter 8D
Yes, you should continue it on, it is very interesting. The opening is... quiet decent. It does get your attention at the end, makes you wonder what's going to happen next.
But I also have a question, GENRE?
Hey! Teardrop here to review! : ) First of all, I liked this very much. Starting another novel eh? You're brave. : ) Anyway, I hope you continue this because I like this very very much ( Sorry for the short review. : )
"its" should be "it's" i believe.I didn't find many nitpicks, just one in particular.
Throughout the chapter, you were very repetetive. My suggestion is to have used a wider vocabulary of words, more of a variety. I'm not nessasarily saying you used the same words in one sentence, because that was okay, but throughout the story you could have used different words. Like "curses" was used a whole bunch, as well as others.
I also thought that there was a lot of characters, more like Lee and Austin, etc. that were introduced quickly. My suggestion, is maybe even in another chapter, would be to tell more about them if you're going to have them later in the novel, maybe give them a background, since characters just don't pop into thin air, they have to have a past and I suggest explaining theirs, and how Charlie feels about them.
Overall, I liked this chapter a lot!
~ Teardrop
Tiger here to review! Comments shall be in bold. Oh and because there aren't many things I needed to point out here, I won't quote the whole story and waste either of our times, I'll just quote the parts I did find mistakes or nitpicks in.
I bit my tongue, trying to ignore him and his muttered comments. I pulled the door open and paused, watching my father for a moment. I considered saying another goodbye, but it certainly didn't fall through Hmm? I don't believe I'm familiar with this term. By mistake, as I left the room, I slammed the door rather than closing it. As I made my way into the hallway, I heard him yelling at me, cursing even more.
As you can see, not many mistakes. But let me just try and give you a proper review and comment on some aspects of the story.
Charlie Black
I admit, I like your character. He's a noble coward, too afraid to speak up for what's right even though he knows it. There's also a sharp contrast between him and Austin: Charlie is too afraid to speak his mind to his father who he knows reasonably well, whereas Austin (drunk or not) has no qualms about verbally abusing a total stranger. This underlining contrast adds to the story. Also, like I'm sure anyone else who's read the first chapter of Can You See Me?, I noticed some similarities between Charlie and Maxxie (y'know: both hating their dads, hanging around with friends who bad habits and who are out late at night drinking alcohol, even the way they both think is somewhat similar). I'm not saying this is a bad thing, it's just noticeable.
The Girl
I thought she was going to be an important character, what with the way Charlie noticed her and kept focusing on her, what with the way she behaved prior and during the fight. I was actually more than a little surprised when she was killed. I thought she was going to develop into the pivotal core of the story...then again I suppose she still will. I just feel that there was more to discover about her character when she was still alive, though.
Will
Who is this mysterious brother? Is he central to the story? I find it strange how you mentioned him so briefly with little explanation of who he is, considering Charlie ponders all the other characters for some time before moving on to another thing. At least a brief mention of why Charlie doesn't appear to like him might have been nice.
The Story So Far
Interesting. It truly is. You've made the reader curious to know why Charlie hates his father and holds some sort of dislike for his brother. Oh and I'm sort-of curious as to know if he has a mother or not.
You've also created a dilemma: Charlie witnessed a murder (well, it seems to be so far). It will haunt him and he'll probably want to tell the police, but he can't for several reasons: his best friend committed it, and this is partially his fault for not stopping him (at least that's what he probably believes). It doesn't help that the both of them ran from the crime scene, nor that the girl's own friends ran from the crime scene, because now they might not want to be dragged into the affair either. And perhaps worst of all, he has no-one to turn to, because Austin isn't going to want to talk about it.
So all in all, this is a very interesting story. You've created believable characters and a serious dilemma which both drag the reader in. My only advice to you would be to explain things more in the next chapter without making it an info dump. You could expand more on the extent of Charlie and Austin's relationship, what Will and Charlie's Dad have to do with anything, you could talk about the effect of the murder on Charlie mentally and on Austin, indeed on all the boys. But then again, I'm sure you will.
So this is my review, and I hope it helped somewhat. This was a great piece, and KEEP WRITING!
Tiger
P. S. By the way...are you going to continue this?
Hullo there, sir! Here's your *ehem* requested *ehem* review...
Okay--this is pretty nit-picky, but I don't like the repetition of "sofa." Also, I think you may want to emphasize the closeness of the two characters, since it took me a little while to realize that the dad was sitting on the same couch as Charlie. Maybe make the second sentence something more like: "After dropping himself down besides me, be picked up a beet bottle from the floor." Then I'd like a description of the disgust/fear that explains Charlie's getting up and wanting to leave.Okay. This is a little tough to explain, but I'll do my best. I'm kind of bothered by this sentence structure, because it sounds like "closing it with a deafening slam" is something that Charlie is doing while he's opening the door. It sounds as if you might as well be saying "I pulled the door open, trying not to think about what would await me when I returned." Like as he's pulling the door open, trying not to think about his dad. But instead you're saying that as he's pulling the door open... he's closing it. I'm still not sure if that makes sense, but this paragraph is getting too long so if you're still confused, PM me or post on my wall or something. ^.^ Basically, I'm saying this would bother me less if it was something like "I pulled the door open, then closed it with a deafening slam."
Rather curious. ^.^
For some reason this sounded awkward to me when I read it. I think it's the first sentence. It caught me up because it just sounds like such an awkward way to describe someone's thought process. Why not just say: "On the bright side, at least my brother wasn't home."
This sounds a little awkward to me. It's not that I mind ending a sentence with a preposition, it's just... this feels like you went to great measures to do so. :/ Maybe try: "Jax was fine; it was when I saw Timmy and Danny that I couldn’t help but clench my jaw."
I found this whole exchange a little confusing -- I can tell there's tension, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I'm also not sure what this line is supposed to mean. But maybe you mean this to be confusing and are going to develop it later in the novel...
I think you mean "churning." ^.^
Curving what inwards? Her waist? How can a shirt curve a waist inwards? What does it mean for a waist to be curved inwards? I'm developing a very strange, putty-like image of this girl's abdomen... >.< Also, "clinching" seems like an awkward word to use -- maybe "clinging" would be better? But I shouldn't be saying that, really, because I don't even understand what you're trying to say...
I've never heard them called "cigarette buds..." it might be right too, but I've always heard them referred to as "cigarette butts."
Lifted his what? It might just be me, but the whole fight scene was a bit confusing... but more on that later. ^.~
Rather repetitive.
Repetition again. And I know this is colloquially written, so you can really say whatever you want, but remember: the stomach is an organ for digesting food, not the abdominal region in general. So his stomach can hurt, but for him to be looking at her stomach is... a little strange.
That's called petrichor (pronounced "petra-core"). I'm not suggesting you use that word, but I just thought that you might to know it (if you didn't already). Great word, innit? ^.^
-------------------------------------
Another novel, eh? You're nuts. But I'm intrigued. This actually reminds me of the first chapter of Can You See Me?: there's a teenage boy who feels uncomfortable at home because he and his dad don't get along. He leaves the house and meets his friends, who are getting drunk and being rowdy, and he doesn't really connect with them but he tries to make himself fit in anyway. Of course, the characters are (somewhat) different, and details are different of course, but the similarities are certainly there. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. ^.^ Just something that struck me. Anyway, I think there's a lot of potential here. I can see a lot being built up to happen, and histories waiting to be illuminated and such, and I'm curious about where it will all go. But it also feels bare. Some of this might just be because of the "new writing style" you're trying out, but I think it can be avoided.
Firstly, I'd like Charlie to be more fleshed out. Personally, I'm not bothered at all by male characters sounding female or visa versa. What bothers me is when I don't get enough of a sense of the personality to make any conclusions at all about the character. I didn't even notice Charlie sounding feminine... I think the reason people are getting that sense is because all of your character-building is really subtle and so you leave most of Charlie's personality up to the readers' imagination. YWSers, knowing you're a girl (well... sort of, anyway! :P) subconsciously assume your character to be a girl. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but basically all I'm saying is that I want to know Charlie better. I've just spent a whole chapter inside his head supposedly, so I should know what he's thinking about! Did this, by any chance, use to be in third person? Because it's written like it was; we don't see the thoughts and emotions that initiate his actions. All we see is the actions themselves. It's like we're observing him... except we're in his head. :/
I also think you could do better with the idea that he changes when he's with different crowds. I see it with the girl--he definitely changes once he sees her--but I'd like to see it more with the dad. He didn't seem scared of his father as much as disgusted, frustrated, and generally just fed up. But once again, this seems to be what he is showing on the outside because it's what he wants his father to see of him... but I can't tell if it's what he actually feels or not. You say he's scared of his father, but I didn't get that. I honestly couldn't really tell what he feels. He's making snarky comments in his thoughts, but I can't tell if they're genuine. I also can't tell how he feels about his "friends." He's playful and friendly to Austin in his actions, but the actions feel empty--and I can't tell if that emptiness is intentional or not, on your part.
The fight scene was a little hard to follow, and I'm not sure if that's intentional. I'm not really a fair person to talk about this, because I don't like fight scenes in general, but I found myself getting distracted. Half of my mind was wandering while the other side was reading. I really think it's because I had no reason to be interested in the fight. I don't like fights in real life or fiction, so if I don't have a reason to read about one, I just won't. I guess this really boils down to the same thing: make me interested in the character! I don't have to like him, necessarily, but if I am intrigued by him then that will give me another reason to keep reading.
About the gender thing: I say, don't worry about making him sound like a girl. Just because he's male and you aren't doesn't mean you have to make him stereotypical. It's like when men write about women and feel like they have to make them fit the "damsel in distress" mold. In my opinion, gender shouldn't enter into it. If you have a well-defined character in your own head, then just focus on portraying them well and giving your readers a clear idea of who your character is. If we have a good understanding of the character, then we'll know their gender. Personally, just because I'm reading about someone who is afraid, I'm not going to assume that they're female, though I understand that some people might jump to that conclusion--but who cares? Let there be some ambiguity. It's more important to be true to your character. Portraying his gender shouldn't be the priority, portraying his personality should. If he's scared, he's scared. Guys are allowed to feel fear.
Okay, that's pretty much it. I'm sorry I was rather harsh and rambling... I'm sort of tired/stressed/in a bad mood right now, so I'm sorry if I haven't been very fair to you. I also have the sense that I've just made one point, which could have been made in two sentences, in like five gargantuan paragraphs... oh well. Hopefully you'll find it in you to forgive me. Some day. ^.^
As always, let me know if you have questions or comments or anything.
a
Thanks for all of the reviews, guys.
@Tanya - I think I'm going to write the next chapter of this, but if I do what I originally intended to do, those questions about him going back and that may not be answered because of it being a double POV thing. The questions would be answered soon enough though.
@Lee - I agree with the rather cliché situation. I'm hoping to make sure that this doesn't become to "seen it before". I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to do so exactly right now, but if I do turn this into a novel, I'll hopefully be able to achieve it.
@Shubhi - The reason the dad doesn't appear to be doing many drunken things is because he's not really that drunk at the moment. He's supposed to be a little bit, but not overly. That's why Charlie left then; he didn't want to be there when his dad became overly drunk. I might want to make that clearer, I guess. But yeah, that's why Charlie's dad doesn't appear to be that drunk at first.
@Tanya, Shubhi, Yurii - I know the boy sounding like girl thing is a an issue. Shubhi picked up something though that kind of explains a little... I want Charlie to come across as timid around his father. I think it's hard because I need to balance being timid and sounding like a girl, making sure that it doesn't tip too far over to sounding girlish. As this goes on, I want to show his different kinds of behaviour when he's around different people. Does that make sense? I tend to fail at making a guy character sound guyish... Hopefully by writing this though, I'll be able to improve.
Thanks again, guys!
Hey there, Skins. I just reloaded the review I had done-it always happens with your reviews. Anyways, I didn't bother nit-picking them again.
I thought it was night?You mean 'her'?
First of I really liked the beginning or the opener as we say it. It was simple and yet it drew me in so I think you should or everybody should go in for simple but compelling starts. I liked the way you showed his anger towards his dad, but I think that you were seriously not showin' us the image we wanted to see. Like, I get that his dad's a prick, a drunkard, bu surely there'd be more elements to him that have infuriated Charlie so much. So ideally in the beginning you should have brought in more of how exactly his father ruins the time for him and what all he does when under the effects of alcohol. Like you could show how his father comes in, behaves and all the crap. Just like a usual drunkard would behave. So I'd like to see that.
Other thing that was small but bothered me would be that his character seemed a lot like a girl in the start or rather I'd say like a timid boy. But I get it-he has been tormented by his father all his life and such people do become submissive. But if that's not what you wanna portray then work on his personality. Except for that I don't really have more to say. Just that make his character more interesting. Right now, everybody but him is interesting me. So just work on that.
Other thing-when the boys came at first, I didn't know how they looked like, and even now I have a bit of idea about some, but a vague one, so when they come make their entry more dramatic or make us see them. As in we'd watch them on TV, or something.
Other than that this was nice-sorry for this being short.
~Shubhi
Yay! This is great!!!
Keep Writing!
Nike
So I saw this featured. XD I'll get to it as soon as I can.
Hello Sniks!
Here to review. :3
Good story you have here. The pace flow is just about right, so you should be happy for that. Grammatically speaking, I'm impressed with how you show the environment your main character is feeling and seeing. The thoughts from his mind are well-expressed, however, I would highly agree with Tanya. At first the MC seemed to sound like a woman or a girl.
What I mean is that when I read this part it almost seem like a girl narrating. Some emotional reactions just don't justify your main character's voice and... even gender, methinks. I don't think a male character really cares about a father cursing back at him or something, maybe him cursing at his father would be okay, but you know, thinking thoroughly about his father drinking, he should I think less care about it, and just go to his whereabouts. You know most male characters have less deep emotions (than women) going on through their minds. And in this particular paragraph, I kind of sense that the MC here is a bit weak, nothing compelling about it. It looks just like an ordinary boy, escaping from his father.
And about the other characters present here, I like how you describe the drunk father, Austin and the girl. You have showed to your readers that they have played a significant role into the story, that they are just not some random persons to read about. The fighting scene, well, what should I say? I'm pretty impressed with it, you have unfold it well that I just couldn't stop reading even for just a second. Also, you have a good cliffhanger, makes me want to read more: especially about the girl.
So my main nitpick is really your main character. Actually, I don't have something big to say, since I think this is just the first part. And so I hope you can develop him more on the upcoming chapters.
Overall, I like this. You have great style, good at showing, fine grammars and good quality story. These are all just based on my opinions. So hope I helped and PM me for any questions, Sniks.
Keep writing and peace out,
Yuriiko
P.S It would be my pleasure to review the next part. (Really, I'd be glad to review, just let me know when you're done!)
Hi, this is really good. You really get a sense of everything the MC is feeling as he feels it. It ended on a major cliffhanger though. What's going to happen????
I feel sorry for him, he hates his dad, and he doesn't even like his mates that much, they're just a bunch of thugs. It's good though albeit a bit bleak, it has a real, gritty feel to it. I think it would work as a beginning to a novel, it draws you in straight away and you want to know what happens next.
I think the title's great. It's like a challenge: 'i dare you to stop and stare and do nothing about it'. And makes me feel like an actual observer to the events that take place. So, good job on that.
I can't offer any advice on a different opening i'm afraid, i struggle with that too.
The only thing is that you're not really writing about anything new. I've seen quite a few 'teenager hates his life; his stupid mates get him into trouble ' stories before. But it is written well.
Hope that helps in some way.
Skinsy!
comma, not period.I just saw that you've posted this. I'm first ! Yay!
Um, question. If it's Saturday night, why didn't she say that when he asked about school. DO you guys have school on Saturdays?
I haven't looked it up, but 'sitcom' is usually one word.
Well, Skinsy, that was it for the nitpicks. I'm not sure what to say about this story.
At first, I wasn't sure whether it was a boy or girl, hurt by the father's actions. Then the 'prick' comment came and I caught on, and from then on, all went uphill. I liked Charlie's internal voice. Liked his describing his thoughts, and liked how it was pointed out that his father beat him, without you quite saying it.
I liked how the action unfolded, but I'm not quite sure what to think about the ending. Will there be another part? Or does it remain, the end? Will Charlie go back?
But I enjoyed this. I liked your style here, and the general flow of your story. I think you did a great job.
Hope this helped,
Tanya