Before I crumbled
From lonely discouragement,
I came to you
I said;
Tell me that I am not really alone.
You led me into the textiles/food corridor
Where we dressed it in our imagination,
Let us forget about the real pain and hurt
And exist only in our minds,
That spooled to form a diamond palace.
Inside it beheld our secret plots,
To bring revenge to our tormentors,
Armed teacher sentries patrolled daily.
To outsiders the tower we lived in
Was the corridor that led to more classrooms.
Only to us will it reveal
Its true potential.
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Hey there Silberfee, it's dramamine here for a review!
Okay to begin, I thought this was a sweet poem with a lot of potential. Only some of your word choices just seemed to drag down the overall mood and imagery. Like for example when you say "textiles/food corridor" I can't imagine that in my head, it doesn't really conjure up a strong picture and the / makes it a bit awkward. So in order to make the image more vivid I would advise you to change that but that's only my personal opinion.
Your writing has a really nostalgic feel to it and I love that. It makes me think of school, friends and summers that never seemed to end. It just makes me miss childhood and days when I didn't have a care in the world. I don't know if that's what you were going for or not but whatever.
You and this Jake person seem to have an "us against the world" mentality and seem to bring happiness to each other in a not so happy world. Overall, I like the messages of this poem as it seems to have come from the heart and is personal to you.
I thought this was a good effort that can only be improved upon, thank you for sharing this poem and please keep writing.
Have a good day!
Thank you for the feedback! Yes I wasn't sure whether to write 'corridor' or 'textiles/food corridor.' I really wanted to keep calling it 'textiles/food corridor' because that is how I always referred to the place. I'll reread it and edit it.
Yes it is personal. I returned to my hometown after graduating and it made me think about my past (which I haven't thought about since moving out to go to university ) .
Hey, Silberfee! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review
First of all, this was a good poem, it was sweet and so easy to read. I loved how you brought in imagination and the way the characters used each other's mental creations to bring happiness to something so horrible.
I found their relationship adorable, although I would have liked to know more about Jake. It seemed more focused on the girl, rather than him. I know the poem is only addressed to him, in a sense but I really would have loved more detail about him.
Onto what could or needs to be changed. The layout (more so the use of punctuation) needs slight improvements. I'll add suggestive adjustments to the whole piece:
Where you have written "I said; Tell me that I am not really alone." I changed to I said, "Tell me that I am not really alone."
There was no need for the use of a semi-colon, which can be used to link two sentences of relevant information together. A comma (,) was the right punctuation to use, or a colon.
I have also added speech marks around the line, coming after "I said", which is Tell me that I am not really alone. You implied that the person said something, so speech marks were appropriate.
There was an issue with the flow that I noticed which was were you wrote "You led me into the textiles/food corridor."
Textiles/food corridor failed to leave an impression, or rather the impression was that it failed to uphold the greatness of the poem. Within the poem, you talk about imagination and portray it with such magnificent words but then when you say "Textiles/food corridor" it not only slows the pace of reading, it also lacks in effectiveness.
I would change it to something singular, perhaps just "Textiles corridor" or something adventurous, like "You led me into our safe haven", etc.
I hope this helped
Keep Writing! <3
- ScytheMeister
Hi SkytheMeister! Thanks so much for the review! I did consider adding details about Jake but I thought it might be irrelevant to the purpose of the poem, and there is too much for me to say about him. Instead I will save it for another poem/ creative writing piece. Thanks for the tip about punctuation it is my weakness and I'll try to work on it in the future.
You're welcome! And don't worry, It's just my reader habit: I need to know more! I don't think it really effected the poem, my personal interest was just in that character. That would be awesome!
No worries! Thanks for writing this <3
-ScytheMeister
It's a good poem. I have only a few suggestions, and it's mostly just putting in a few small words to make it flow a little easier. On this line; "Tell me that I am not alone," you might want to put quotation marks there so that we know who is speaking.
"To outsiders the tower we lived in
Was the corridor that led to more classrooms.
Only to us will it reveal
Its true potential."
In the first line there, I would put 'that' in there. So it would look like this;
"To outsiders the tower that we lived in,"
It's up to you, I just think it makes the poem flow a little easier.
Keep it up!
That thought didn't occur to me, but it is a good idea. I'll rewrite the poem using your suggestion. Thank you:)