Hey, Silberfee! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review.
Now, first of all, I want to address that you have chosen science to portray this particular poem. It's a pretty unique idea, quirky and brilliant! I love it. Although... I must admit whilst I did take extra/advanced science in school, I completely flunked that so I may have only recognised about 85% of what you said oops!
Anyway, onto the review~
Within the first section/stanza, you wrote:
She swallowed the words,
That washed away her value
That lay,
Spattered onto the ground,
Her skin flashed white
Cutting a rift in time and Space.
The first issue was that I felt a slight drag whilst reading, as though the flow was detached. It felt that way around these lines: That washed away her value, That lay, spattered onto the ground
The section just seemed to fail to connect to both the beginning and the ending of the stanza as a whole. I believe the situation may be because of the repeated word of "that" or rather, the ideas weren't worded correctly. I would change it to something like,
She swallowed the words,
That had washed away her value.
Value which lay,
Splattered onto the ground,
Her skin flashed White.
She had cut a rift through time and space.
Of course, I may have interpreted this stanza wrong, so feel free to contradict me. This was the one section I had a little trouble understanding. Thus bringing me to my next point to make; "She had cut a rift in time and space".
How exactly has she cut a rift in time and space? From the lines prior to this one, they detail the girl basically swallowing back her pride, hence her "value", what is the connection between pride/value and "time and space"? (This is more of a question for the poet, because I really couldn't find any conclusions to this line. I'm really intrigued.)
Stanza 2~
Her blood hosed the ground,
While they sacked her mind,
That grew,
Lost in the ground,
Redundant to society,
In between clouds of dream and reality.
This was a great section of the poem, I believed it portrayed the nauseousness of being bullied; "In between clouds of dream and reality"
I especially love the line "Her blood hosed the ground", its so sickeningly dry and in-your-face. I love how it shows the brutality of physical abuse. The next line slightly confused me, "sacked her mind"? What do you mean by "sacked"? Does it refer to metaphorically placing a sack over her head, thus preventing her mind from analysing the situation? Almost like, they're trying to control her...? (I was really confused with this line, as you can see. I apologise.)
The next few lines really do seem to confuse me, undoubtedly, though.
That grew,
Lost in the ground,
Redundant to society,
What grows? You say "that grew"? Are you referring to a physical object or an action? The only conclusion I could find was that it linked in with the line previous, "While they sacked her mind". I've already (somewhat) stated that I felt like the bullies were trying to control her, is that what you mean by "grew"? The bullying only increased?
Next, "Lost in the ground, Redundant to society". From the way you speak, it appears as though the person has died; "Lost in the ground", but clearly that is false since this is not the end of the poem and rather than a murder narrative, this is about bullying. And of course the line "redundant to society" only emphasises that the person may be dead. To be redundant to society, is another interpretation of death; no longer having meaning to society.
I wanted to make this a quick review, so I won't go analysing anymore stanzas of this, but I will say I did love this poem! It was quirky and amazing. My only issue, overall, was the science thing. Whilst it was good, some aspects did leave it lagging behind in flow considerably. Nonetheless, great job! I hope to read more work like this
Keep Writing!
- ScytheMeister
Points: 0
Reviews: 75
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