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Young Writers Society


12+

Bullies

by Silberfee


She swallowed the words,

That washed away her value

Her value that lay,

Spattered onto the ground,

Her skin flashed white

Cutting a rift in time and Space.

*************************************************************************************************

Her blood hosed the ground,

While they sacked her mind,

Her mind that grew,

Lost in the ground,

Redundant to society,

In between clouds of dream and reality.

******************************************************************************************************

While she palely languished,

General Brain birthed a thought,

That flew,

“Chemotaxis quick march!”

White blood angelled soldiers,

Fled, circling her open line.

**********************************************************************************************************

Noble grains of angelic cells,

Felled by noble sacrifice,

Phagocytes! 

Do not give her,

To bully’s death,

Platelets weave the rift,

Make her a mountain, to their sand.

************************************************************************************************************

Epithelisation begins:

She saw

The spark of fame,

Followed by a trail of

Flashing lights, erratic screaming

And an eternity of admiration. 


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Sat Mar 11, 2017 7:43 pm
MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, Silberfee! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review.

Now, first of all, I want to address that you have chosen science to portray this particular poem. It's a pretty unique idea, quirky and brilliant! I love it. Although... I must admit whilst I did take extra/advanced science in school, I completely flunked that so I may have only recognised about 85% of what you said oops!

Anyway, onto the review~

Within the first section/stanza, you wrote:

She swallowed the words,
That washed away her value
That lay,
Spattered onto the ground,
Her skin flashed white
Cutting a rift in time and Space.



The first issue was that I felt a slight drag whilst reading, as though the flow was detached. It felt that way around these lines: That washed away her value, That lay, spattered onto the ground

The section just seemed to fail to connect to both the beginning and the ending of the stanza as a whole. I believe the situation may be because of the repeated word of "that" or rather, the ideas weren't worded correctly. I would change it to something like,

She swallowed the words,
That had washed away her value.
Value which lay,
Splattered onto the ground,
Her skin flashed White.
She had cut a rift through time and space.


Of course, I may have interpreted this stanza wrong, so feel free to contradict me. This was the one section I had a little trouble understanding. Thus bringing me to my next point to make; "She had cut a rift in time and space".

How exactly has she cut a rift in time and space? From the lines prior to this one, they detail the girl basically swallowing back her pride, hence her "value", what is the connection between pride/value and "time and space"? (This is more of a question for the poet, because I really couldn't find any conclusions to this line. I'm really intrigued.)



Stanza 2~

Her blood hosed the ground,
While they sacked her mind,
That grew,
Lost in the ground,
Redundant to society,
In between clouds of dream and reality.


This was a great section of the poem, I believed it portrayed the nauseousness of being bullied; "In between clouds of dream and reality"

I especially love the line "Her blood hosed the ground", its so sickeningly dry and in-your-face. I love how it shows the brutality of physical abuse. The next line slightly confused me, "sacked her mind"? What do you mean by "sacked"? Does it refer to metaphorically placing a sack over her head, thus preventing her mind from analysing the situation? Almost like, they're trying to control her...? (I was really confused with this line, as you can see. I apologise.)

The next few lines really do seem to confuse me, undoubtedly, though.

That grew,
Lost in the ground,
Redundant to society,


What grows? You say "that grew"? Are you referring to a physical object or an action? The only conclusion I could find was that it linked in with the line previous, "While they sacked her mind". I've already (somewhat) stated that I felt like the bullies were trying to control her, is that what you mean by "grew"? The bullying only increased?

Next, "Lost in the ground, Redundant to society". From the way you speak, it appears as though the person has died; "Lost in the ground", but clearly that is false since this is not the end of the poem and rather than a murder narrative, this is about bullying. And of course the line "redundant to society" only emphasises that the person may be dead. To be redundant to society, is another interpretation of death; no longer having meaning to society.

I wanted to make this a quick review, so I won't go analysing anymore stanzas of this, but I will say I did love this poem! It was quirky and amazing. My only issue, overall, was the science thing. Whilst it was good, some aspects did leave it lagging behind in flow considerably. Nonetheless, great job! I hope to read more work like this :D

Keep Writing!

- ScytheMeister




Silberfee says...


|Thank you for taking the time to write a detailed analysis :D I will definitely take your idea for stanza structure into account perhaps it will make reading easier. In answer to the confusion I have provided explanations below please provide your feedback. I realise that some of my ideas were a too vague whilst writing and editing

When I wrote %u2018cut a rift in time and space,%u2019 I was thinking of self harm and becoming unconscious as a result. That way she would lose the notion of time and space.

%u2018Sacked her mind,%u2019 when I wrote that I was a bit vague..I was thinking of history and writers write the %u2018sacking of Rome,%u2019 so in the poem%u2019s context it would be the bullies defeating the victim.
%u2018That grew..%u2019 I meant that eventually her mind becomes more detached from reality as she lies unconscious.

If my explanations do not do word choice justice please say so, so I can revise it! Thanks! :D

I was a bit worried about flow because the scientific words were too blunt (scientists who name things do not make it easy to write about science )

p.s. I also failed advanced science (failed chemistry, resat biology) in school. I work in a healthcare setting so I recently started doing more reading into it.


Random avatar
MeisterChan says...


Thanks for explaining! Ah, I get it now, thanks (I was little bit of an empty mind for a second, sorry) :D

Yes, the long words were a little awkward for the flow, but it was still a great poem!

Great work :D

Yeah, I'm not sure of the grading system for yourself, but mine goes by letters (judged on the numbers/points you receive) so basically I got a D for my compulsory science class, whilst I got an E for the advanced class. Although I did not necessarily fail, I did not exactly pass either. If that makes any sense? In other words, the grades are worth nothing and therefore, I deem myself failed :/

Wow! That's cool! I don't think I would have the attention span for that kind of work, I mostly took science because it would pass time.

Anyway~ Great Work, I enjoyed this ^-^

- Scythe



Silberfee says...


Yes that is the same with me I got an E in biology (just looked at your profile you live in the UK like me) but when I left school I did a diploma to get into university and I resat biology (I wanted to be a teacher at the time and universities like candidates more if they studied advanced core subjects) .

haha I wish I could think its cool I chose those subjects for uncool reasons (i listened to one of my parents and my cousin who encouraged me to choose science). It would be cooler if I excelled at science but I was never scientific minded.



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Points: 15
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Sat Mar 11, 2017 6:39 pm
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RavenBlack wrote a review...



Very unique way of expressing what it feels to be bullied, using science as a means to illustrate all the emotions running through the characters mind and body. It made it hard to read through and broke the fluidity of the poem for me, as (being dumb) I had to keep looking up the scientific words.

I loved the phrase: "She swallowed the words, That washed away her value", it makes me empathizes with the character and illustrates how worthless she feels, I can relate.

But overall i thought it was an interesting read





That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead