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Ambitions

by Silberfee


What do you want to be when you’re older?

I want to be a fireman, driving a bright red engine,

With sirens screaming down the streets,

Faster than cars, vans and lorries in the green.

I want to be a footballer, kicking a ball every day

The wind pushing past into my hair as I run,

Feet chasing the ball fighting not to give way.

I want to be a soldier, with my grass coloured gun

And matching uniform, few will dare defy me

Enemies will die before they can attempt to run.

Maybe I’ll be a doctor, wearing a white lab coat

With my stethoscope I’ll beat all the germs

And to every man, child and woman I’ll dote.

Or maybe one day I’ll be ruler of the world

So I can protect the old, young and weak

With freedom, I’ll be the King unfurled.

Or perhaps I’ll wait and see

Who I’ll be.


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 5:00 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hi, again, Silberfee,

How are you doing?

This is Hannah, back for a review of a different one of your poems. :)

You seem to have a penchant for writing about poems that discuss introspection and a sense of identity. You talked about your cultural identity in the other poem I read of yours, and here you talk about identity through occupation, which is an impending choice for many people.

What's interesting to me is that although you managed to make your "Twice the foreigner" poem specific and personal to you, this poem feels somehow very generic, like any of your friends could have written the same poem. And I think this is because occupations are open to anyone, first of all. There's no job that you can do that another person couldn't. And the second reason is that the descriptions you give of the jobs in this poem are again generic. There's no personal connection.

There could be, though, if you decide to take a look at and try to improve this piece. For example, my students and I read about Elizabeth Blackwell. She had a friend get very sick and wanted to reduce the pain of that friend, so THAT was her PERSONAL inspiration to become a doctor. I'd like to see the descriptions of the jobs be your personal reasons for finding interest in the occupations. That way, the poem becomes something that ONLY YOU could have written and shares a better connection with the reader.

I hope this makes sense to you and is helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or reply here!

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah

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Silberfee says...


Before I wrote this poem I did look at the reasons why young children (primary school age ) choose professions and they choose it for very simple reasons. For example I remember my brother said he wanted to be a policeman so he can drive a car, and a friend's daughter said she wanted to be a nurse or a lawyer so she can help people. I wanted to capture that simplicity and vagueness in the poem. The point I wanted to capture is that very young children don't have the maturity and depth to have existential reasons to settle on a job, they are flexible and focus mainly on the present. I tried to look up poems by Elizabeth Blackwell online and I couldn't find any, I assume the children you are teaching currently must be in their pre-teens? The children I was focussing on were primary school age (I'd say 6-9ish years)

Here is an example of the children's poems I was looking at: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/n ... -a-a-milne



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Sun Apr 30, 2017 3:48 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

This sure is a child with ambitions. The main aspect of the poem that I find a little concerning or unrealistic, is that this piece is supposed to be in the perspective of a child. Sure, I don't know how old this child is, but if you're going to write specifically in the perspective of someone in their youth, I'm sure that they won't write like this if you're trying to make for a believable poem. I've never heard a child use the word 'unfurled' before, is as much as I believe I need to say, but I'll go into more detail.

I like the concept of the piece and how you present it, but I'd like to know more context about how the child was raised or their status. It almost seems as if they might be a young prince with their knowledge of words that they use in this piece. I can't bring myself to believe that this is written from the perspective of a regular five or nine year old--doesn't matter the age there too much to me because I don't believe that a child has the intelligence or vocabulary to write a poem in this way.

I'm not saying that I underestimate children, because I most certainly don't, I just don't have enough reason to believe that this is a child. What is their age? If you take away the aspect of this being a child, which I've become too focused on, I like the focus and structure of this piece, there's just that one continuity error that keeps me from fully enjoying this piece. I could go into more, though that's the main problem I found with the piece and the one I believe you should focus on working out the most. Overall, I like the concept. I like the poem. I don't like that one spot that doesn't make sense in my head.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped, and have a great day.

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Silberfee says...


Hi! thanks for the review, around the period I wrote this I wanted to have a go at writing a children's poem but I didn't really know how to start. I thought that a child is unfixed in what they want to do later in life so writing a poem presenting ambitions would be a easier topic to write about (and also I met children who say they want to be in two professions because they can't decide which one they like more)

I did look up some children's poems and found that some children's poems online do use difficult words that I wouldn't expect a child to know so I thought I could get away with it. Also I found that children's poems don't have the depth and scope adult poems have which is why I didn't write about upbringing, personally I found that children don't present an awareness of the potential limitations of socioeconomic class.

Could you tell me which part doesn't make sense? for my future reference in case I write more children poems :P



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Thu Apr 13, 2017 5:00 am
K1553 says...



I really liked the way you used a child's POV, and the last two lines really brought the entire poem together and summed up the main idea beautifully. You have a lot of talent. Keep writing. :)




Silberfee says...


Thank you so much ! It is quite hard to use child POV, bc it still has to be detailed but in a much simpler way. Hopefully I'll be able to write more from dif perspectives :)



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Wed Apr 12, 2017 4:22 am
Ishan212 wrote a review...



Siberfree!
Hi!
I am Ishan 212 to review your poem 'Ambitions'.
Well , you wrote in the promo that your poem has been written with a perspective of a small child. And it seemed like a children's poem indeed.
A small child wondering what he or she should become on growing up.
A fireman, moving in a vehicle to douse off fire in people's homes.
Or a footballer gaining name and fame and fans worldwide, or even a brave soldier defending the nation's frontier or a doctor treating and curing people's illnesses.

Siberfree your poem was just FANTASTIC.
I'm in love with it and I promise you that I'll make my little seven year old brother read this poem. I'm sure he'll enjoy it as much as I have while reading it

There is nothing I can suggest for editing. After all it's a children's poem so children might be able to review it better.!

I once again congratulate you and praise you for writing such a wonderful poem.
I wish you best of luck for all your future literary works.
Thank You
Ishan 212

PS: KEEP WRITING!!!




Silberfee says...


Thank you so much for the review! I was beginning to think this will get overlooked. If you do show it to your brother and if he has any suggestions please tell me. It was hard for me to imagine how a child might think.




I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear