Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

I'm giggling because the whole time I've been reading the title as 'brief collection' which is originally why I thought nearly nobody reviewed this. Oops! I'm here to review it though, and I'm jumping right in by saying that is quite pretty in terms of imagery! I admit there could have been more fleshed out with that though for the most part there's some strong descriptions here. I did want to point out an oddity or two when it comes to overusing adjectives, which is something that I often see poets do when they're learning how to add more detail. For example, 'sultry May sun' in the fourth line I admit is a bit of a mouthful.

There are other repeated uses of sticking the adjective, which is often a fine one, behind the noun to enhance the imagery. Repeating this too much can become repetitive, particularly in the line structure. Find different ways to describe and to use imagery. Use figurative language to help get the message you're attempting to portray across. You're obviously well-acquainted with writing poetry, though in this particular poem I see a lot of color descriptions, which tend to get bland.

Instead of this, there's also sensory details to add to the mix. I don't know if I've mentioned this before or if you've already heard of the term, sensory details are exactly what they sound like: details of the senses. That gives more of a sense of atmosphere and tone to the poem, which I love. What does it smell like? Taste like? Feel like? Sound like? And so on. You don't have to use them all at once either, you can sprinkle it into the poem gently.

I want to suggest reworking the last stanza because it's the part that leaves the largest lasting impact on the reader. Not only that, but I also found this to be the most important in summarizing the theme too and not as strong as the other stanzas. Changing 'drunk filled' to 'drunk-filled' would be helpful and playing around with the last line in particular because the first three in that stanza are wonderful. I'm a real fan of this poem and I think it deserves more attention because it's overall pretty with the imagery while also giving off a nice theme of architecture and how it's hard that lasted through time.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great say.

Hi Silberfee,

I start reviewing this piece with the title of your poetry. Nice job, good choice of title. For some people it is a bit scary title because hardly people go places. Occitanie is an administrative region of France that was created on 1 January 2016 from former French regions Languedoc-Roussillon and Midi-Pyrénées.

Good work pal, Everything in your work is appropriate. Every poet should follow some protocols. and you did exactly same. You followed every protocol. You starting is good and end is fabulous. Every review has some negative talks, But in your case negativity is 0.00005%.

I felt your poem. It is good.
Nice work pal.

@rishabh Parmar(Author of Women & Mother Earth and Operation Imperial).

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

I must say, this seems like quite a good piece. Thoug personally, I would change a few things. First of all, add some more full stops! A constant enjambment isn't always a good thing and neither is a low variety of punctuation.
Moving on, I must admit, the message of this poem is pretty vague, I know implicit info shows intelligence but having no explicit info doesn't mean that one is intelligent. You have to remember, not everyone can see what you can.
On a more positive note, your vocabulary choices were well-made and a lot of interesting linguistic devices were used.

Overall, I'd say this is quite a good piece, but try to make the message clearer for the reader.
I hope my review helped!

Hello, Silberfee! Ruby here for a quick review!

So, I've never really read a poem like this before--one of such color and description and emotion in such a short amount of time. It's almost bittersweet and the reuse of the word "pastel" I greatly enjoyed. Occitanie is very diverse with part of it being in France, as well as Monaco and smaller parts of Italy and Spain. And it was conveyed very well her in this poem, I believe.

When the hand of disappointment hurls my pink dreams into the grey bin,

before allowing the springs of hope to deflate into a well of despair

recall the same awe that caused me to kowtow to my dreams

that had stilled my body in the sultry May sun

when I stood in front of the red slates crowning the rose buildings.

Abundant bunches of rainbow flowers that I could not name,

ornamented the naked stones remoulded countless times past

and the deep tones of a language rich in vowels,

that flowed faster than a lyrical song.

My mind breathed,

drinking the mysterious, inspiring tangibility,

depression now lost to drunk filled wonder.

Here was art that had survived the test of time.

This is really good! Hope you feel better soon x