12+ Language Violence Mature Content

Color Photographs, Chapter Six

Logan Resnick sat in his dimly lit office smoking a cigar. He expected Meyer to show up at any moment, but he didn’t know what would happen then. He’d issued a long string of threats to Sadie after he’d finished with her, but he wasn’t sure if she’d kept her mouth shut.

Sadie was a hard girl to control. He knew how to reason with Meyer, and could threaten most people he couldn’t reason with into submission, but Sadie wasn’t so simple. She always refused to listen to his suggestions, and Meyer gave her a sense of security that gave her the boldness to refuse to be bullied.

If Meyer found out about what he’d done, he figured the fool would come in with guns blazing. In retrospect he figured Meyer’s woman was the wrong girl to mess with—Sadie’s confidence was justified. Meyer was impulsive and dangerous when angry. Resnick should have picked a less crazy man’s old woman. Still, Sadie was the prettiest wife he could think of. Not many men could say they’d taken their pleasure on a woman like her.

“Boss, Mey’s here,” a man said.

Resnick sat up, tugging his suit jacket straight. He pulled his pistol from where he had it tucked in his belt and worked the action to chamber a round, then slid it under his leg. If Meyer wanted a fight, Resnick would be happy to oblige him. “Send him in.”

“Hey,” Meyer said. He stopped in the doorway. “I delivered that shipment yesterday that you wanted me to, Boss.”

Resnick hesitated, narrowing his eyes slightly. Meyer was dressed in jeans and an unbuttoned button up shirt—what he always wore on his hits—but his tone was completely neutral. Maybe he didn’t know.

“Great,” Resnick said. He gestured at Meyer. “What’s your plan for today? I see you’re not wearing your suit.”

“I figured I’d go after Ronny.”

“Reneve’s nephew? I thought you said you weren’t interested in getting in the middle of that?”

Ronny was still a kid practically, a scrawny sophomore wide receiver on the varsity football team, and Karl Reneve’s pride and joy. Anyone that messed with Ronny answered to Karl, which usually meant they were dead in a few days. But that scrawny brat stole from Resnick, so he was a target.

“Changed my mind.”

“Why?” Resnick asked suspiciously.

“Reneve started threatening Sadie,” Meyer answered coldly. “You don’t mess with my woman.”

Resnick hesitated, tightening his grasp on the pistol as he looked into Meyer’s threatening eyes, waiting to see what accusations would follow. To his surprise, Meyer fell silent.

“I see… well, have at it, then,” Resnick said, taking a puff from his cigar. He was glad Meyer chose this assignment. Either he’d get that little high-schooler out of his hair, or he’d get himself killed by Reneve—both options would solve one of Resnick’s problems.

“Yep,” Meyer said then walked out.

Back in their apartment Sadie flopped down in the chair, crossing her arms and glaring at Karson. “Did Mey leave you babysitting?”

“Not babysitting,” Karson corrected. “Looking out for my little sis.”

“I can handle myself,” Sadie said coldly. “If I’d had a gun last night none of this would’ve happened.”

“Of course you can,” Karson said, seeming to realize he was on thin ice. “But it’s always good to have a backup.”

“Then why aren’t you backing Meyer up? He’s the one actually doing something dangerous.” Sadie wasn’t actually quite sure what Meyer was up to. She realized after he left that she’d never pulled the details of his plan out of him before he left, and Karson just kept pleading ignorance now. She knew it was something dangerous, though, with the way he stormed out with his guns.

“‘Cause I told Resnick I was sick. He wouldn’t be pleased to hear about me riding around with Meyer.”

“And if he shows up here?”

“Then my lie is going to be the least of our worries.” Karson sighed. “I know you’re not happy with me being here, but I ain’t leaving.”

Meyer visited many classrooms before someone finally told him that Ronny never came to school that day. He spent the rest of the day tracking the little punk down. Meyer finally found him in a rattle little alley in a bad part of town, near where Sadie was the night before.

Ronny had nine or ten of his friends with him, obviously selling them some of his uncle’s merchandise. Meyer parked near the end of the alley and got out of the car. Ronny’s face sank as he watched Meyer approach. He ran a hand through his curly red hair. “Whadda you want, old man?”

“Old man?” Meyer scoffed. He’d just turned twenty-four. He still had a few years to go before he was actually old, but his figuring. “You’ll be here in a couple of years… maybe.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ronny set his jaw in the annoying way that high school boys often do.

“What do you think it means?” Meyer asked, moving his shirt so the boys could see the pistol still tucked into the front of his jeans. Dear god, was I ever this obnoxious? Meyer thought as he looked at the high-schoolers in front of him. “You’ve got a price on your head, Kiddo.”

“Yeah? Well you do, too,” Ronny said, then turned his attention to his friends. “Uncle Karl will give seven large to whoever kills this bastard.”

“Tsk, tsk, such strong language for a little boy,” Meyer said, deciding to have a bit of fun before he had to work. High school boys were notoriously easy to provoke—their tender little pride could easily be bruised. “Does your mother know you talk like that?”

“And free weed for the rest of school this year,” Ronny added. “Just kill him.”

“You know, you really should say ‘please’,” Meyer said, as he heard the clicks of many switchblade knives flying open. He sighed. They were just a bunch of juvenile delinquents, probably not one older than sixteen years old—he didn’t want to kill them. “Just like a dumb kid, bringing a knife to a gun fight.”

Meyer was a little disappointed that none of the boys seemed to get his reference as he pretended to go for his gun, making two of the boys bolt. Seven left, plus little Ron-Ron. Meyer sighed. These odds usually left him bruised—he just hoped these boys didn’t know how to fight, yet.

The first boy approached and recklessly made a pass at Meyer’s throat with his knife. Meyer grabbed his arm and used his momentum to throw him face first into the brick wall nearby. The boy crumpled to the ground and another boy stepped forward to take his place.

At least they’re taking turns, Meyer thought. He grabbed the next boy’s wrist as he made a jab towards Meyer’s abdomen, then twisted his arm behind his back. Meyer jerked swiftly, listening to the sickening pop of the boy’s arm dislocating, then roughly threw him onto the asphalt covered ground.

Five left.

A boy charged him with his knife raised over his shoulder like a spear, a second boy following close behind. Meyer grabbed the first boy’s arm, deflecting the blow, as he brought his right fist into the boy’s abdomen, hard. The boy doubled over in pain and Meyer put his boot on the boy’s hip, shoving him toward his advancing friend.

The second boy tripped over the first, and both fell into a heap on the ground. The second boy pushed himself to his hands and knees. Meyer walked up and kicked the boy so hard in the jaw he fell onto his back. He didn’t get up.

Three left.

All three of Ronny’s remaining friends charged him at once. Meyer grabbed the first that approached him and threw him into one of the other boys, focusing his attention on the heavy-set brunette that neared him.

He grabbed the boy’s arm that held the knife, then hit him in the face as hard as he could. A moment later he slammed the boy into the wall, releasing him as he crumpled to the ground. Meyer turned toward the third boy, only to see a scrawny little blond that barely came to his chest.

The boy couldn’t have been older than twelve and didn’t even have a knife, but he approached with balled fists and an uncertain glare on his face. Meyer’s fists relaxed, then he grabbed the boy’s shirt and lifted him high in the air, his back against the brick wall.

The boy screamed, his eyes seeming to get as big around as saucers. Meyer nearly laughed at the boy’s obvious distress, but kept an intimidating glare on his face. The boy melted under his gaze. “I didn’t mean it, Mister! Honest!”

“Get on home, boy,” Meyer ordered, setting the boy on the ground just rough enough to scare but not hurt him. The kid sprinted as soon as his feet touched the ground. Meyer watched him for a moment too long, he realized as he saw a flicker of motion in the corner of his eye.

A moment later the only remaining boy tackled him into the brick wall, making him hit his head. Meyer grunted, dodging the fist that flew at his head a moment too late. He struggled against the boy for several long moments, until he finally was able to throw him off.

Meyer stumbled to his feet just as the boy charged again. At the last moment he stepped to the side, making the boy run into the brick wall behind him. Meyer grabbed his shoulders and yanked him a few inches away from the wall, only to throw him into it once more. He kicked the boy in the side as he crumpled to the ground.

Meyer stepped back, swaying slightly and panting. He looked towards where Ronny had been standing, but the boy was gone. He looked the other direction and saw Ronny running as fast as he could toward the end of the alley, trying to make an escape.

Cursing, Meyer sprinted after him, quickly closing the distance between them. He took a deep breath and focused all of his energy into a burst of speed that got him near enough to Ronny to tackle him. It was worth a shot.

Meyer dove toward Ronny, wrapping his arms around the boy’s waist and tumbling across the asphalt with him in his arms, taking an elbow to the face and a knee to the ribs. As soon as they stopped rolling, Meyer wrestled the boy’s arms behind his back and secured them tightly with a zip tie. He pinned the boy to the ground with a knee in Ronny’s back.

Meyer knelt on top of the boy for several long moments panting, head throbbing, side aching, lungs screaming for air. He looked down at the boy who thrashed under him, fighting for his freedom, and shook his head. He didn’t look nearly as beat up as Meyer felt. “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
comrie
Review
comrie wrote a review · Fri Aug 21, 2015 4:51 am

Hey ShadowVyper! Here to review. :)

...yeah no excuse for my not reviewing this. I've read these couple of chapters long before and made a note to review but then forgot. I'm so glad I remembered now though. I'll give it a quick reread and then review!

OK. So reread's over. I'll start with specifics/nitpicks (which are, as always, simply suggestions), and then my overall impression of this chapter.

Resnick should have picked a less crazy man’s old woman. Still, Sadie was the prettiest wife he could think of. Not many men could say they’d taken their pleasure on a woman like her.


Sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK. Resnick's sick -- plain and simple. He shouldn't have picked anyone. Not Sadie, not anyone's mother/wife/daughter/sister/neighbor/ETC.ETC.ETC. To see just what kind of mentality Resnick has really downs my opinion of him (even more, that is). I just can't see myself even hoping to like him, and I personally like to find something about the villain I can appreciate.

But Resnick? Nope. He's going on my list of "Seriously Unlikable Villians" with the rest of 'em.

“Boss, Mey’s here,” a man said.


Here I feel like you could be a bit more descriptive of just who this man is. I'm pretty sure this is probably his only cameo in this entire story. To tell Resnick that Meyer's showed up. But I feel saying "a man" is just so random. You don't have to give a name or anything. It can be his title or position. You can say something like "one of his workers said" or "one of his employees." This man can be the freaking janitor. Anything. I don't know if this is a personal problem or not, but I feel like just being a little specific wouldn't hurt.

Maybe he didn’t know.


Maybe he didn't know what? What Resnick did to Sadie? I think specifying here would be nice. Maybe, "Maybe Meyer didn't know what had gone down with him and Sadie." Not this specific line here (I know it sucks), but something similar. If this doesn't make sense, let me know.

“Reneve started threatening Sadie,” Meyer answered coldly. “You don’t mess with my woman.”

Resnick hesitated, tightening his grasp on the pistol as he looked into Meyer’s threatening eyes, waiting to see what accusations would follow. To his surprise, Meyer fell silent.


Wow, seriously thought Meyer was going to flip the desk or something. I was like Resnick here, thinking "Oh, crap, and now Meyer's going to mess him up." I like the way you wrote Resnick's hesitation and him waiting anxiously for what Meyer would say or do next. It made me feel hesitant and anxious about Meyer's next action. I was a little sad to see that Meyer didn't knock Resnick out or at least flip the desk, but I'm just be patient and wait for the moment to happen. Or at least I'll try to be patient. :) (YOU SERIOUSLY BETTER KICK BUTT, MEYER!)

“If I’d had a gun last night none of this would’ve happened.”


Add a comma after "night."

Meyer finally found him in a rattle little alley in a bad part of town, near where Sadie was the night before.


Wait, what kind of alley? A "rattle little" one? I don't mind the little alley, but I think you're trying to say that it was also a raggedy one? Maybe? Or a dingy alley? A dirty alley? I just feel weird about the word "rattle." If I'm somehow missing something, let me know; I'd love to try and understand what you were saying there.

Meyer watched him for a moment too long, he realized as he saw a flicker of motion in the corner of his eye.


This sentence doesn't seem to have a smooth flow. I think maybe you could switch the words around. Something like, Meyer realized that he'd been watching him for a moment too long the second he caught a flicker of motion in the corner of his eye. Maybe? You probably can come up with something a hundred times better than this. I just think a simple rearranging needs to happen here.

Something extra: I noticed parts of the story where it would change scenes. I think adding an extra space between one scene and the next makes for a smoother read. This is because as I was reading the first part, where Resnick and Meyer were talking, I was briefly confused when Sadie came into the picture. And then I realized we were back in the apartment with her and Karson. I sort of had to think, "Oh, wait, this is another scene. Okay. Didn't know at first, but I do now." I think this whole thinking part can be skipped if you just added an extra space or a dash -- something to let us know a scene has moved on or paused.

And that's all I can find for nitpicks at the moment. Take them as you wish, or don't. Up to you!

Onto the chapter as a whole, I think this was nice. I definitely expected an explosive encounter between Resnick and Meyer, especially at the part I quoted here for you. I was a bit disappointed because I do want Resnick's butt kicked. But you know what? I'm okay with it now. It just makes me more anxious for the rest of the story, which is good. Maybe the confrontation won't be as instant as I think it is. Maybe it'll be a slow thing, something that unravels and then BOP - Resnick's dead.

Ahem. I'll try and keep my theories to myself for now, because they're seriously on a rampage right now. But I definitely enjoyed this chapter. It was nice seeing Meyer do his job. I didn't really know what he did actually, just had ideas. So seeing him going after targets really helps give me a picture. I mean it's not nice that he's going after people -- but yeah. You know what I mean. I liked seeing what he does for a living. It was definitely interesting.

I hope this review's been helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! Keep on writing!

-comrie

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Tue Aug 04, 2015 3:02 pm

Heya Shady!

So I am back much sooner than I believed I could be, but I am happy to be. After reading this chapter I basically had no notes for what to say in this review so I am basically going to admit to you that this is going to be short. And that I had to be really nitpicky in order to even have anything to talk about xD This chapter was wonderfully written already. I couldn't find anymore nitpicks and I just loved the action scene. I think you're really good at writing them and I loved how at the end of it all Meyer mentions himself being too old. It's sort of funny because after this he is intending to go and do whatever he has planned to take down Resnick. He's gonna have to start getting younger real fast at this rate :D

I couldn't help but wonder why did choose to take on this job as well. It could be a way for him indirectly tell Resnick that no one messes with his wife like he did in the end. But I feel like there would have to be more of a reason to Meyer's actions than that. Or was it simply because he has a lot of anger stored up right now and he wants to burn it out somehow? If that's the case, when we go to his point of view it would be nice for him to be thinking about his reaosning so us readers can know it as well. Oh, and I was wondering if it was hard for him to keep that neutral tone around Resnick and everything. It would be nice to have seen into that as well. How much of an inner struggle is going on there?

Another thing that spikes my curiosity is the fact that Karson called in sick. I know that seems like a good reason for him to be there and looking after Sadie, but if I was Resnick I would send someone to make sure Karson is really sick, especially after what happened to him yesterday as well. Maybe it isn't Meyer who is the one after him, but Karson who is angry about how he was treated and has pieced together enough of what happened to feel annoyed as well. It would only make sense for him to take the precaution and check on him as well.

Ah, and my final nitpick - use chapter breaks! We have a lot of switching scene here and a lot of switching POV's but we could get confused by what is happening because it has all been melded into one chapter. Using the asterisks *** to break up scenes is very helpful, and the reader gets the picture immediately. That's my recommendation for you :)

But everything said above was me pulling on the strings to have something worth mentioning. This was such a good chapter Shady, and it makes me look forward to reading that final chapter to be all caught up!

Deanie x

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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here... again.

Yeah, I know I skipped a chapter. But these are getting so good, there was nothing for me to critique in that chapter save for a few typos and missing spaces in-between words. So... here I am, to review this one! This story just gets better and better. I'm just in love with your characters, Sarah. Um, that sounded a bit creepy, but never mind. xd They're just so... real. Their emotions, actions, thoughts - everything. It all ties together to create a realistic character, and I'd love to get a snippet of how you achieve that. Really, even though this also has a wonderful plot, the characters drive this story forward like nothing I've ever seen. They're the reason I continue reading.

In retrospect he figured Meyer’s woman


Comma after retrospect.

then slid it under his leg


Um, pardon me. This was the most confusing description of an action I've ever seen. Did he put his foot on top of it? It's actually kind of impossible to slide it under his leg, because his leg isn't on the floor. xd So perhaps you meant like inside the sock or something?

Resnick hesitated, tightening his grasp on the pistol


Again, a bit on the pistol. If he's talking to Meyer, I'd think he'd be a bit less... conspicuous about the fact that he's nervous about Meyer talking to him? I don't think he'd have a tight grip on the pistol the whole while, since Meyer would notice and perhaps go into action - because he also might think Resnick meant to kill him.

Oh, and after reading again, I understand the whole slid under leg. So, instead of changing it, perhaps just consider adding more to build a better picture? And the entire scene could use a bit more description, particularly when it came to the office. As always, the characters are described flawlessly, but you could add more to the office and the alley. Just a tad more, because the picture isn't as good as I know it can be with you. ^^

narrowing his eyes slightly


If you went and took out every single usage of slightly, your chapters would be every bit as good and nothing would be hindered. They're useless. He narrowed his eyes. Done - package it up and give it to a kid at Christmas.

“I delivered that shipment yesterday that


Ooh, ouch. That is one of the words that writers use quite often and are quite helpful, buuuut they can also become annoying and redundant when used too often. I personally hate the word. xd But I have no choice but to use it on occasion. >< Anyway. It's getting a bit redundant up there. ^^

I see… well, have at it, then


I talked about this a bit in my previous review - the ellipsis. In this case, you're doing the ellipsis and then moving on to another sentence. In that case, you need a period after the ellipsis since technically, the ellipsis isn't a sentence closure. All it actually does is create a pause in the narration or dialogue. You must still put a period after it to close a sentence.

Your transitions between scenes and characters isn't as smooth as it was in your previous chapters. I thought I'd point that out. Perhaps edit it a bit when you have time? The part that stuck out the worst was between Karson and Sadie talking - then Meyer's fight.

The action is perfect. <3 I love how you describe all the characters as you go through the fight, but still don't spend too much time on them - just enough to see a picture, but not too much as to slow down the scene. It's wonderful! Your shorter sentences and dialogue and just everything in those moments really make the scenes so fun. I love reading them. ;)

At the last moment he stepped to the side, making the boy run into the brick wall behind him


If there is one weakness in your action scenes, it's above. ^^ You love using the word "making". He did this, /making/ this happen. No no no no. To be honest, it reads as extremely weak and doesn't fit with the rest of the amazingness throughout this chapter. Use a word that fits into the situation better. You make a pie. You don't make someone run into a wall. While it makes sense in every way, it just doesn't do the action justice. And you use it far too often, even if it was an acceptable word to use. Try to bring in more powerful words in those moments, more precise, so they can carry your scene. :3

Again, there's just nothing to critique. As I go through, I pull out the few things I notice... but as the chapters progress, they become fewer and fewer. Soon, I'll have nothing left. D:
But please continue writing like this, because your book becomes more special as the chapters go along and I know it's going to get even better.
~Darth Timmyjake

User avatar
artybirdy
Review

Whew! That was an intense. I loved that the chapter ended at a light note. It reflected Meyer's personality. I could imagine the fighting scene right in front of me. It was very descriptive, which meant that the tension was prolonged throughout the chapter.

Well done!

Good luck, and keep writing!

P.S: I haven't read the previous chapters, and I only review short stories, so I'm sorry I couldn't be much of a help.

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Casanova
Review

Hello! Ryu(southbound) Cevenost here for a review!
Hey! As I have promised, I have been keeping an eye out for your stuff, and this makes I think the fourth chapter I have read(Considering I missed the first two or three), and yet I'm still liking it. It's amazing! But a few thoughts!
1)It starts out just a little bit slower than you previous chapters, yet it really perks up, especially when it gets to the fight! I like how detailed it was, and everything.
2) During the beginning, when Resnick is acting paranoid, I thought he was going to kill Mey' and I was going to get mad if he did, but he didn't! And I'm glad about that!
3)During the fight, I didn't know what was going to happen, I guess you could call that your falling action of the chapter.
4)You need to keep going, and keep working. I'm really loving how this story is going! I mean, the protectiveness of Mey' over Sadie is just so heartwarming!
In conclusion, I believe this is going to go farther than I originally thought, and I'm glad that it is going to. DO not give up, keep going, and I want to find out more! This book is addictive, and I like it! A cliffhanger, and everything, but interesting, exciting, dramatic, and everything! And no, this is not to short of a chapter, I think that it was a perfect length!



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