Itani pulled the door open to reveal one of the stable boys standing in the hall, holding two steaming buckets of water. She gestured into the room and thanked up as he dumped the buckets in the tub, then bowed and took his leave.
“You’re the best, Itani,” Rana said, relieved that it wasn’t Father.
“I know, miss,” Itani said with a wink. She gestured at the tub. “Go on.”
Rana carefully bent down to take her socks off, then grit her teeth and pulled her undershirt off. Itani gasped as she saw her side. “Miss!”
“It’s okay,” Rana said quickly, putting her hand on her side. She looked down a moment later and cringed when she saw that the bruise was already so large that her hand couldn’t cover it completely. The discoloration was crawling across her ribs and down towards her hip. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”
“You need to see the physicians,” Itani said.
“No!” Rana said, panicked. The physicians were among those who tattled the fastest to Father. If she went to them for help, it would be impossible to keep the accident a secret. “It’ll be fine.”
“That’s for them to decide.”
“Aldik already looked at it,” Rana said. “He said nothing is broken. I just need to let it rest.”
“Mm…” Itani clearly wasn’t pleased. “I suppose if Lord Munen didn’t think you needed to see the physicians…”
“Then I don’t,” Rana insisted, hurriedly undressing the rest of the way and climbing into the warm bath.
She bathed quickly, then petulantly allowed Itani to dress her. There were so many layers to the fine dresses she was forced to wear for formal events, and she didn’t have the patience for them. First there was her shift, then stockings that came all the way past her knee and tied uncomfortably on her thigh.
Then there was a petticoat, and the corset that all but doubled her over in pain once Itani cinched it in place today. A hip pad to lift her skirt. Another petticoat. A kerchief. A stomacher. The gown petticoat that came in absurd colors. The gown that came in a matching absurd color. Rana wanted to scream.
Instead she resigned herself to staring straight ahead and focusing on keeping her breathing even. The corset was agonizing, but Itani refused to even consider letting her skip it unless she consented to going to the physicians. Rana sighed and straightened her back, doing her best to keep it from digging into her side any more than it had to.
She sat stiffly as Itani tugged on her hair and cruelly tied it in place with ribbons and pins that jabbed her head. Rana barely managed to keep a glare off her face as Itani began dabbing powders and creams and lip color onto her face. An eternity later, she was pronounced ready.
Rana looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. This ritual always wasted so much time, and she didn’t like the way it made her look. Her lips were bright red, and her hair was unnaturally curled and tied in ringlets around her face, making her extraordinarily uncomfortable.
Every moment of every dance and every banquet was uncomfortable; not only did she have to tolerate the rich jerks of the invited countries, she also had to be shoved into a satin torture device when she did so. It was utterly terrible, and she didn’t understand why she had to endure it. If she were even half as bad as Father said she was, no one would even think of marrying her – so there was no one to impress.
“Time to go, miss,” Itani said.
Rana took a deep breath and nodded. As much as she hated the fact, Itani was right – it was time to go. She stood and straightened her shoulders, then braced herself for the hours of socializing that would drag on for ages. She walked downstairs to meet her family.
They walked in almost complete silence. Father would occasionally whisper something to Mama, but largely he just strutted ahead in an arrogant silence. He was an aging man, already past his fiftieth year. He was short but stocky, standing just taller than Rana was herself. He had gray hair that grew on the edges of his head, framing a shiny bald patch.
Rana hesitated as they reached top of the stairs leading down to the royal ballroom, quickly evaluating the people already present. It was crowded and bustling with activity. Father liked to be one of the last people to arrive, so that there would be an audience to notice their entrance.
He enjoyed mingling with wealthy nobles and royals, and balls and banquets were the perfect opportunity for him to work on growing his network. His chest puffed out with pride and he stepped forward towards the top stair, proudly flaunting Mama as she held his arm.
“Now announcing Lord and Lady Leikos Elstan,” the announcer shouted over the cacophony in the room. He belatedly noticed Rana and her little sister Fania a step behind their parents and added, “And their daughters.”
Rana rolled her eyes and walked past the scrawny man, being careful to keep the pain off her face. She couldn’t afford to grimace on the walk down the stairs. As Father always said, a person’s entrance was the most important aspect of the night.
She kept her back straight and plastered a fake smile on her face as she stiffly followed Father down the stairs. Fania was to her right, following Mama. She was only twelve but was already everything a lady should be.
As Rana glanced at her out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Fania was poised and elegant as they strode down the stairs. Her golden hair was perfect, gowns carefully arranged, makeup just right for the flickering lights of the torches overhead. The daughter Father actually wanted.
The staircase was a prominent feature in the room, well-lit and near the center. The thrones of the royal family were at the base, on the right from Rana’s current perspective. Behind them was a large dance floor with a band standing next to the wall. To her left and behind were the drinks and foods. Straight ahead was the balcony where she, Jaerek, and Wyl usually hid from the rest of the nobles.
As they reached the foot of the stairs, Father strode forward with Mama. He bowed low and she respectfully curtsied, before Father addressed the king. “Thank you for extending your grace to my family, your majesty.”
“Thank you for accepting my invitation,” the king replied, sounding almost-bored. Father and the king frequently spent time with one another, and this formality was nothing but show for everyone else in attendance.
To the king’s left was an empty chair where the queen used to sit, before she passed away. It’d been nearly ten years since her death, but he insisted on keeping her throne next to him. To the king’s right sat Jaerek, and his little sister Astana. Father bowed slightly to each of the royal children then led Mama into the throng of people.
Rana and Fania quickly stepped forward and curtsied. “Thank you, your grace.”
Rana moved forward until she was in front of Jaerek. He smirked at her. This was always the worst part of any formal event, having to pretend that she actually cared that he was royal. She forced herself to curtsy, as expected.
“Lower,” Jaerek whispered.
She snorted and looked up, seeing the mischief in his eyes. She glanced towards the king, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention. “Make me.”
They exchanged a quick grin, then Rana moved past. She and Fania both hesitated as they were past the thrones, out of the center of attention. Fania was only a year younger than Astana and spent nearly every waking moment with her. She was just as impatient for Astana to be finished with her duty of greeting the guest as Rana was for Jaerek.
“Come on, Fae,” Rana said. “Let’s get some pastries.”
“Sounds good,” Fae said, grinning.
Typically, she didn’t like to spend time with Rana— at least not in public. Rana never seemed to know how she should behave in the company of her betters, or even to know who her betters were at all. She treated Itani the same that she did Prince Jaerek and couldn’t understand why not everyone did.
People were people, in Rana’s mind. It didn’t matter what country they were from, or what their social status – she didn’t see how royal blood entitled anyone to respect, much less wealth and power. And yet, it seemed it did. Father wasn’t royal, but he’d built a reputation for himself from his proximity with the king – and he expected Rana and Fae to act like noble girls, regardless.
The girls made their way to the table together and quickly snatched several pastries, before retreating a few meters away to eat their prize. Rana silently surveyed the crowd for familiar faces. She saw the Atraian princess, pouting at having been dragged to the dance. Rana imagined they would get along, if she wasn’t so scary.
Her uncles and cousins were nearby but pretending she didn’t exist. The princess was about the same age as Rana but had already been an assassin for many years. There were numerous rumors about how the princess got her ability, but no one quite knew which one to believe. The only thing that was certain was that she was lethal and had a short temper. Rana didn’t risk a friendship.
Rana saw a few Algnesian noble boys with their fathers, trying to act mature as they stood and were bored to death with the dull conversations that dominated events like this. There were some loud-mouthed dukes from Lytias. A few nervous-looking girls from one of the peripheral countries were huddled together in the corner.
Rana smiled when she saw Wyl standing in the corner next to the balcony, beckoning her over. She glanced at her sister. “See you.”
Rana dodged all of the boring old men and annoying, lace covered ladies as she made her way to the balcony. She grinned again when she reached him, then silently walked out onto the balcony with him. They glanced around to be sure no one followed them before they spoke.
“How’s your side?” he asked casually, being sure to keep his voice low.
“Eh,” Rana said, forcing herself not to flinch as she shrugged.
“That good, huh?” He paused a moment, looking at her abdomen, then frowned. “They got you into the corset anyhow?”
“It was corset or physicians.”
“Ah,” Wyl answered. He knew how treacherous the physicians were. It would not make her life pleasant, if she admitted to the tattletales what they’d been doing when she got injured. He didn’t blame her for taking the corset, but he didn’t envy her either. “That’s unfortunate.”
“Indeed,” she agreed. Rana took a deep breath of the fresh air. All of the women at dances smelled like stale roses, and the air inside the castle was stifling. She awkwardly leaned against the banister, doing her best to keep from putting pressure on her side, and talked to Wyl for a long while.
An eternity later, Jaerek finally joined them. By the time he got to the balcony, he looked slightly disheveled and completely annoyed. Rana lifted an eyebrow. “What happened to you?”
“Crown prince, meet my great great great grandmother’s niece’s cousin’s daughter,” Jaerek said mockingly, raising his voice as he sneered. “Give me attention, I’m a sniveling little twat.”
Wyl and Rana laughed. Jaerek rolled his eyes, but grudgingly joined in the laughter. None of them enjoyed the formality of the court. Wyl and Jaerek both endured more of it, as they were the crown princes of their countries, but Rana got it nearly as badly with her father’s status as head advisor.
They talked for a while about all of the ridiculous happenings that they’d experienced during dances in the past, and how they’d change the system once they were older and actually in control of their countries. Wyl vowed he’d never have another Latian dance as long as he lived, once he was king.
Eventually, their conversation turned to Niap. There was much unrest between their Algnes and Niap, and everyone wondered whether the disagreement would turn into a war before the end. They were throwing a temper tantrum at Father refusing a marriage arrangement between their crown prince and Rana.
Niap wasn’t a large enough country for King Thracker to need an alliance, and the dowry offered wasn’t enough to entice Father to sell Rana to them. She was pleased that he’d declined. Father wanted to wait to collect any other offers that might come for her hand, before he picked a suitor. She just didn’t want to be married.
It seemed like a dreadful thought. Being married to a man she’d likely only meet once or twice before the wedding. Being forced to accompany him to royal balls and banquets for the rest of her life. She’d much rather simply grow up and slip out of the public eye. Or at least marry someone she actually cared about.
The older she got, the less the thought of marrying Jaerek disgusted her. He was growing into an attractive young man and had been her best friend since before she even knew what a best friend was. She wasn’t sure that she was in love with him, but she certainly loved him. And she trusted him. And that was more than could be said for any of her other options.
Their conversation turned to what would happen if Niap was foolish enough to wage war with Algnes – quickly devolving into a debate about combat strategies. It was a topic that fascinated all three of them. Rana adored reading books about military coups and learned all she could about war play in secret.
“I think we have a large enough army we could take them straight-on,” Jaerek said.
“A flank would clearly be better,” Rana argued, using gestures to explain her plan. “If you have them busy fighting here, and then bam, you hit them here, they’ll lose their coordination. Men will panic, ranks will break—”
“And an undisciplined army will fall,” a deep, heavily-accented voice behind her completed.
Rana whirled around to find the owner of the strange voice. She moved too quickly. Her hand shot up to her side before she could stop it, and she held it there a moment as she gaped at the massive man who stood in front of her.
He seemed to be twice her size, with arms as thick as both her legs combined. His hair was blond like hers, but cropped short to his head, and his penetrating eyes were an icy blue. He looked to be in his late thirties, and had a deep, gravelly voice with an accent she didn’t recognize.
“Who are you?” Rana asked, frowning slightly.
She didn’t see Father, until he sprang forward to slap her. Rana was too distracted by the man to even bother glaring at Father as he began lecturing. “For shame! You do not disrespect royalty!”
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Heyo, you know how it goes.
Gonna leap right into things, but I will say that this chapter was just as good as the previous two.
I'm not sure what “up” is doing there. I'm guessing you meant “thanked him”? Also, I'm fairly certain “dumped the buckets into” would be more proper than just “in”. It's clear what you meant, but saying he dumped the buckets in the tub sounds like he just tossed the buckets themselves in, along with the water they carried, haha.
Referring to her father like this makes the story feel as though it's suddenly from her perspective, whereas, although it's third-person limited with Rana as our tether to the world, she isn't the narrator, so her personal thoughts or references to people shouldn't be in the prose itself like this. Uhh, I'm pretty sure that's how it works, and I hope that makes sense. If it were dialogue, or her actual thoughts written out in italics, then she could refer to her father that way, but as it's the prose of the story itself (probably the wrong phrase but I dunno what else to call it), then it should be “relieved that it wasn't her father”.
Unless you were to go back and swap other instances of reference to her father and make them like this, which shouldn't impact the flow of the story too much, so long as you change the proper instances. Not every single one should be changed, of course, I don't think. A few here and there early on when his character is being introduced could probably be left as “her father”.
Bit of a ramble there, but I hope my point got across alright.
Oh, the line also has a slight vibe of Rana praising Itani for it not being her father behind the door, which Itani would have no control over. I know that it's probably just meant as a thanks to Itani for being so helpful and kind and whatnot (though that's her job), but the wording of “relieved that it wasn't her father” right after the dialogue gives it that feel, y'know?
Oh, and Rana seemed previously reluctant to bathe, so Itani making her take a bath doesn't seem like the time to go “You're the best,” but that's probably more of a nit-pick, lel.
“Petulantly” is, if I'm not mistaken, to behave in a childish or sulky manner? I'm not sure if that's what you were going for so I thought I'd point it out in case you used the wrong word. Not that it doesn't fit here; it kind of does, but it feels more like a tantrum than the rushed mood Rana has had so far. (Not sure how to describe her mood, but it hasn't felt childish or tantrum-ish).
I'm unfamiliar with stockings. Do they tie on your thighs, or should it be around, here?
There feels to be a little inconsistency in Rana's disapproval of the “dolling-up”. I mean, the process doesn't sound comfortable, but considering her thoughts in the previous chapter of Itani seemingly being more beautiful than her and all, you think she might feel differently about the gown and make-up and all. Though, I guess I can see why she'd be uncomfortable if she didn't find herself beautiful with all of this preparation, or the fact that it's artificial and not her. It just felt like a slight change in character, but I'm probably interpreting it wrong.
This is worded awkwardly. Lot of “every”s. Maybe try something along the lines of “Every moment of every dance or banquet was uncomfortable”.
I'd also recommend a “but” after the comma here, but it's alright as it is. Just a little suggestion to help the flow.
I feel like the ending here would have more impact if it were worded as a question. “no one would even think of marrying her, so who as there to impress?” (Dash could be left in or replaced with a comma. It works either way. I just wrote it without.)
Missing a “the” here, it looks like, right before “top of the stairs”.
Maybe a sort of nit-pick, but “expanding his network” has more oomf to it, don't ya think? “Growing” is a bit duller, to me at least. Using more engaging language (although how much more engaging is this example? Psh.) can help your flow and keeps readers immersed, and we all want that!
Since this and the following “And their daughters” aren't the same sentence, you could probably end this proclamation with an exclamation mark. It adds to the sense of shouting, too, which is my main focus with this note.
I try to avoid contractions in the word-meat of my stories. In dialogue is totally fine-- I even encourage it, depending on the setting/character, for more realistic dialogue. But in the prose itself, I guess, it feels a little sloppy and jumbles the flow. Especially when there's not many other instances of it and it's tossed out so randomly here. But yeah, I think the flow would be nicer if it was written out: “It had been nearly ten years” etc etc.
*Guests?
Also, I love the joking and all between Rana and Jaerek in this scene. It was fun and another example of good character relationships in your story. Nice work!
So, good nickname. Nicknames are okay. But since you've called her Fania throughout, since her debut appearance, calling her by the nickname in the prose itself is weird and throws of the flow. I had to stop and check back a couple sentences to make sure I hadn't missed a new character dropping into the story. With Jaerek and Wyl, it's more acceptable, as they were introduced by their complete names and then eased into nicknames. But this was much more sudden. Nickname in dialogue is fine. Nickname in tag, less so.
“Why not everyone did” is a weird series of words. It could probably do with some touching up. Also, oh snap, we've switched perspectives (as much as third-person will allow). Looks like we're in Fania's head now! So, as long as the shifts remain between the two sisters, calling their parents “Father” and “Mama” should be fine. But if the story eventually shifts to another person's perspective, you may want to go back and change those to general “her father/her mother” bits. Or at least be sure not to accidentally say “Father” in reference to Rana's dad while the perspective is, say, tethered to Wyl, lel
And it looks like you're missing a “was” here, whoops.
First mention of balcony here should probably be swapped for Wyl so that “She grinned again when she reached him” doesn't sound like you're calling the balcony a him, and so that you can avoid repetition with balcony being on the other side of that comma as well.
Also, I'd slap a “had” before that “followed” - (“They glanced around to be sure no one had followed them”)
The comma here is unnecessary and removing it actually benefits the flow.
And that's notes!
New character at the end was exciting, and his description was good, too. I'm really interested to see who he is and what role he plays.
Overall, nice flow and pacing. Character interactions were on point, again. Love when Rana, Jae, and Wyl are all together. Third chapter and they're already a really good trio in my eyes. Uhh, this chapter was definitely a bit longer than I expected, and this review took a while, but now it's done, so whew.
I hope this was helpful, and again, feel free to shoot me any questions you may have!
- Hatt
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if I offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this story about the girl Rana who finds herself a bit uncomfortable in her prominent social position. I enjoyed becoming more familiar with her as the main character.
I admire her independence and resistance to conventions and her decision to follow the inclinations of her own heart instead. I like how her character is being gradually revealed.
For example her bravery was demonstrated in the way she allowed herself to be dressed in a tight corset while being injured. I like how the relationship between her and other noble young men was clarified. Provides her with possible allies in the following chapters. It also foreshadows a possible romance since she does feel physically attracted to Jaereck.
Also the introduction if a princess assassin was pure genius! Sets the stage for further drama as does the introduction of this muscular fellow at the chapters end. The slap by the father ending the chapter is also very good since it fosters reader-interest. It also familiarizes us with just how fanatically her father feels about traditions. This further intensifies the conflict between him and Rana.
Suggestions
No need to repeat the location where things are taking place.
The word “network” brought the Internet to my mind and seemed too modern for the setting.
The expression “thanked up” stopped the flow of my read because it seems quaint. “thanked him” would not have done that.
The word “tattled” made me wonder about her age and the writer’s age. The word “informed” would not have done so.
absurd colors” [What are these colors and how are they absurd?]
....Itani tugged on her hair and cruelly [ This tends to contradict the image of Itani as her benevolent friend as described in previous chapters]
Reducing the number of times that the words “stairway and “stairs” are used would be nice. Once the reader is informed there is no need for constant reminders.
announcer [herald] The word herald blends in more nicely with the setting.
Telling not showing. Trust that the reader has already assumed this by how Rana has been described. Trusting a reader’s ability to reach conclusions also prevents us from constantly reminding him where things are taking place-such as the stairs.
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....between [the countries of]...Algnes and Niap.
[Identifying them as countries would have prevented me from temporarily assuming that they were people.]
....father’s status as head advisor. [Her father’s position was not mentioned earlier? If not, I think that it should have been because it adds to clarity to the relationships within the story.]
Viewpoint discrepancy
....as father always said.... [Removes the author as narrator ad replaces him or her with
Rana.]
As [her] Father always said, [ Maintains the author as narrator POV for consistency.]
This was a very interesting read. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of this novel.