Young Writers Society


The Charm of Deception - Chapter 8

Rana was tense much of the morning. As she wandered around the library, she couldn’t help but wonder if she was secretly taking some sort of test. Father would occasionally set traps for her by telling her she may do something, when all he wanted was an excuse to yell at her for choosing differently than he would.

She began skimming through the classical literature. There were all of the legends, authors who would be forever immortalized for their difficult prose and frustrating characters. After nearly an hour of browsing, she was thoroughly bored. She kept looking around, to be sure she wasn’t being observed.

Eventually, she worked up the courage to go to his section on war books. She pulled out a leather-clad volume and settled down in the reading nook next to a tall window. She was careful to keep a boring, ladylike book next to her so that she’d be able to switch her book out quickly if her father stumbled across her.

Her reading time went undisturbed for many hours. She was drawn into the text quickly, soon losing track of time and her surroundings as she voraciously tore through the information. It was fascinating. Rather than merely describe war strategy or techniques, as most of the books she’d read did, this book discussed the philosophy behind the thinking of military leaders.

She was startled when Nikolas suddenly appeared beside her. She tensed, guiltily looking up at him as he bowed respectfully. “Apologies for frightening you, ma’am.”

“It’s fine,” she answered, waving a hand to dismiss his concern.

“Prince Synakrein asked me to pass along his regret that he will not be able to join the lady and her father at lunch today. A matter came up that required his immediate attention. However, a meal is being served for the honored guests in the dining hall presently.”

“Thank you,” she said. She didn’t want to have a meal alone with Father. “You may tell my father that he can start without me. I will finish this chapter before joining.”

“Ma’am.” Nikolas bowed again and took his leave.

She didn’t join Father at all. At first, she intended to do just as she had said, but the longer she thought about it, the more she didn’t want to face him at a meal. She was certain she had to have committed some grievous sin by now – and she’d rather skip a meal than endure a lecture.

Rana remained in the library the rest of the afternoon and evening. Nikolas returned at one point to apologize for the Prince’s absence at dinner as well, but otherwise she was undisturbed in her reading. By the time the sun set, she’d read the entire book.

She slid it back onto the shelf and rubbed her stomach as it growled its protests at her decision to skip two meals. If she’d been in Algnes, she would’ve made her way to the kitchen to see if she could beg some scraps from the chef. As it was, she headed to her room.

Rana hesitated in the doorway as she was met by the same girl that helped her into her night gowns the evening before. The girl kindly offered her help again, and soon had Rana changed and alone in her room. As the girl took her leave, Rana noticed a plate stacked with food in the corner.

She smiled despite herself. She didn’t appreciate that the Prince had apparently been keeping tabs on her to know she’d skipped meals, but it was still a nice gesture. Her stomach wasn’t pleased at her attempts at avoiding Father, and she was glad to feed it before trying to sleep.

Rana woke in the morning and decided to lounge around for a bit before facing the formality of the court. So far that trip hadn’t been as terrible as she expected. Rana had no idea how visits like these generally went, but she’d anticipated more time under the scrutiny of the prince.

It didn’t take long before the servant girl came to help her into a gown and guide her to the dining hall for breakfast with Father and the prince. He stood as she entered, walking forward to meet her as she approached the table.

“My lady,” the prince said, wrapping an arm around her in an awkward hug. She stood tensely, enduring the hug in silence until he turned loose and pulled her chair out from the table. She breathed a silent sigh of relief.

“Prince,” she acknowledged, offering a false smile.

This breakfast went much like the previous morning’s had. The prince did his best to think of questions to pose to his guests – only to have Father answer each of them before Rana could’ve answered, even if she wanted to. She did her best to keep it that way.

Rana mostly kept her eyes to her plate and ate in silence, somewhat following along with the dull conversation between Father and the prince. She answered any questions he specifically directed towards with the fewest words possible, then went back to focusing on her food.

“Would you like to see my garden?” Prince Synakrein asked as Rana finished her plate.

“That would be lovely, thank you,” Rana answered respectfully.

“Of course,” he answered, standing. “I shall take you there myself.”

“Prince,” she acknowledged, bowing slightly as she stood. She stiffly took his arm as he held it out to her and allowed him lead her from the room. He led her down several long hallways, down a flight of stairs, and into the cool of the morning.

“How was your reading time?” Synakrein asked as they approached a tall row of hedges.

“Very nice, thank you,” Rana answered. She looked at the wondrous greenery that surrounded them. They walked through a walkway carved through the hedge that opened up to a magical scene. Flowers spread out in all directions in front of her.

There were rose bushes in full bloom off to her left in every color imaginable – flowers in the deepest crimson hues, yellows that could put the sun to shame, and a white so pure she imagined the snow itself wouldn’t dare compete.

Straight ahead there was a blanket of flowers stretching out in front of them. Daffodils, tulips, irises – every flower she knew how to name, and many she didn’t know, of every color of the rainbow. To the right the hedges continued to line a stone path.

“You selected one of my favorites,” Synakrein commented as he led her down the path to the right. He walked slowly but deliberately, watching Rana out of the corner of his eye.

“Nikolas told you, then,” Rana said. She figured that was what she should expect, but she still couldn’t help but feel mildly betrayed that he’d tattled on her.

“Of course he did,” Synakrein answered. “My servants tell me everything that happens.”

“I see,” Rana said coldly.

“As long as you’re not trying to cause mischief,” Synakrein said, seeing her reluctance. “I honestly can’t see why that would be a problem for you.”

“It’s not,” she answered, glancing towards his face. “I simply appreciate privacy.”

“Of course,” Synakrein said, nodding slowly. “I’m sure we could make suitable arrangements.”

Rana wet her lips, chest growing tight once more with apprehension. Her eyes flicked up towards his face nervously, then she focused them on the ground and took a deep breath. “About that.”

“You’ve thought more about my proposal?”

“You have been the most gracious host, sire,” Rana said, words coming too quickly. She forced herself to slow down and speak clearly. “But your kingdom is far from my own.”

“Once we are wed, my kingdom will be your kingdom,” Synakrein said. “It won’t take long for you to become comfortable here. Queens are pampered to their hearts’ content.”

“I do not wish to be queen, sire,” Rana said, finally drawing the courage to meet his gaze. His eyes were as harsh and unreadable as they were the night of the ball. “And I do not wish for this kingdom to become mine. I am pleased with Algnes.”

“And you are not pleased with my castle?” Synakrein questioned, an edge creeping into his voice. “What exactly is it that you are dissatisfied with? The library? The gardens? My meals?”

“None, sire,” Rana answered quickly, hoping to turn away his wrath. Her father was a slight man, yet seemed to find no difficulty in harming her. She didn’t want to imagine the bruises Synakrein might leave if he was riled. “Your palace is a charming as you are generous.”

“I do not understand what your complaint is, then,” Synakrein said. He gestured carelessly at the bench they’d walked up on, offering her a seat. She carefully took a seat and arranged her skirts, waiting for him to settle next to her, before continuing.

“I am too young to marry,” Rana protested.

“Nonsense. Girls your age are wed all the time.”

“Not to kings,” she answered. “I do not have the age nor wisdom to become a queen.”

“You will grow into the role,” Synakrein said dismissively.

“I do not wish to,” Rana repeated.

“I—” Before he could finish his reply, a servant hurried up. The boy seemed young – maybe a few years younger than she was herself – and bowed low as he approached. Synakrein turned his attention towards the boy, narrowing his eyes. “This had better be important.”

“It is, sire,” the boy answered respectfully, bowing even lower. “A word with his majesty?”

Synakrein hesitated a moment then looked back towards Rana. “Excuse me a moment.”

“Of course,” Rana said.

Synakrein stood and strode several meters away and listened to the servant hurriedly whispering something to him. He nodded slowly, brow darkening each moment. “I see… very well.”

“Problem?” Rana asked, standing as Synakrein neared her again.

“I’m afraid so,” Synakrein answered. “I hate to cut our conversation short. We clearly have much we need to discuss – but this is a matter that requires my presence.”

“Of course, sire,” Rana answered.

He hesitated a moment, seeming to think. Suddenly he pulled a small purse from his belt and held it out to Rana. She took it with both hands. It was made of a navy-blue velvet with the Gnamreyian crest embroidered into it in gold thread. It was heavy.

“I’d intended to take you into town,” Synakrein said. “It seems as though I will no longer have my afternoon free, so I’m afraid you will have to take yourself. Feel free to spend as much time in my gardens as you wish and do with the money what you will. It is yours.”

“You’re too generous, sire,” Rana answered, holding the bag out to him once she realized it was a coin purse. “I couldn’t—”

“I insist,” Synakrein interrupted, pushing her hands back towards her chest. “My gift.”

“Thank you,” she answered, bowing.

“Of course,” he said. “I do hope you’ll enjoy yourself. Good day, Darrana.”

“Prince.”

She watched as he briskly walked down the pathway with his servant. She turned her gaze towards the bag in her hands the instant he was out of view, gasping softly when she saw the entire bag was filled with gold coins. She held a small fortune. And he wanted her to spend it.

She hesitated a moment, looking around the garden once more. It was beautiful and tempted her to linger – but the garden would still be there in a few hours. She needed to see the town while she had a chance. 

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User avatar
Hattable
Review

Heya, review time!

Gonna hop right into things.

Eventually, she worked up the courage to go to his section on war books.

“His” obviously refers to Prince Synakrein, as it's his library, but he hasn't been mentioned yet in this chapter, so it feels odd to say “his section”. I'd recommend swapping “his” out for “the”.

She was careful to keep a boring, ladylike book next to her so that she’d be able to switch her book out quickly if her father stumbled across her.

Lot of “her”s. I'd suggest replacing the one before “book out quickly” to “the” – “switch the book out quickly”. It reads very much the same and just cuts back on how many times you use the word “her”, which can help your flow and keep your sentence from sounding windy and samey.

Rather than merely describe war strategy or techniques, as most of the books she’d read did, this book discussed the philosophy behind the thinking of military leaders.

I think this should be “describing” but I am not 100% on that. It reads fine the way it is? But it also reads pretty well the other way. So I'm not sure. I'll leave this note here and let you decide.

The girl kindly offered her help again, and soon had Rana changed and alone in her room.

Did you mean “had changed and was alone” or “was changed and alone”? Seems to be a word missing here, or just the wrong word typed out.

She didn’t appreciate that the Prince had apparently been keeping tabs on her to know she’d skipped meals, but it was still a nice gesture.

It could also have just been Nickolas realizing that she hadn't been attending meals, and sneaking some food to her. I'm not sure how she goes about deducting that it was the prince. But that's pretty nit-picky, so don't mind it!

I will point out that you capitalize “prince” here, and I'll repeat what I said in my previous review (though you'll not have read it yet by the time I post this, I just thought I should point out instances of the capital P)-- Unless the prince is being addressed by his title alone, or the title is attached to his name (obviously), the P shouldn't be capitalized.
So if someone says “Hey, prince!” then it could be capitalized (and they might lose their head, depending on who they are, for speaking to him that way). If someone says “Hey, Prince Synakrein!” then ya. But in prose? “the Prince had apparently been keeping tabs on her”? No, that should be lowercase.

Her stomach wasn’t pleased at her attempts at avoiding Father, and she was glad to feed it before trying to sleep.

We already know this from when her stomach growled at her in the library. This sentence just feels like an unnecessary recap, and can probably be omitted entirely without messing up the flow.

So far that trip hadn’t been as terrible as she expected.

I'm not sure how “so far” fares in a past tense story, but “that trip” is definitely wrong. “The trip” works just fine, no matter the tense.

She answered any questions he specifically directed towards with the fewest words possible, then went back to focusing on her food.

Looks like you're missing a word here. “Towards her”?

“Would you like to see my garden?” Prince Synakrein asked as Rana finished her plate.
“That would be lovely, thank you,” Rana answered respectfully.
“Of course,” he answered, standing. “I shall take you there myself.”

Is this becoming a pattern, where he gets desperate for her approval/attention and just takes her out to some extravagant section of his palace after breakfast? lel

They walked through a walkway carved through the hedge that opened up to a magical scene.

“They walked through a walkway” is choppy. Strolled, maybe? Ambled? There's a few synonyms that could work here.
This sentence, overall, also feels rather telling. You could spice it up if you worded it like, “They strolled down a walkway that carved through the hedge and opened up--” or something such as that. I also now realize that you say they walked through the walkway, whereas they'd more likely walk down or along it, yeah?

flowers in the deepest crimson hues, yellows that could put the sun to shame, and a white so pure she imagined the snow itself wouldn’t dare compete.

Nice imagery here. I like it.

“You selected one of my favorites,” Synakrein commented as he led her down the path to the right. He walked slowly but deliberately, watching Rana out of the corner of his eye.

What's this about? Did she previously answer a question about flowers that I'm just not recalling at the moment?

“Nikolas told you, then,” Rana said. She figured that was what she should expect, but she still couldn’t help but feel mildly betrayed that he’d tattled on her.

Oh, wait, are they talking about the book she read? It's not very clear, if that's the case. Perhaps have Synakrein be more specific?


Also, they begin speaking of kings and queens and Rana says she's too young to be wed to a king, but Synakrein is still just a prince.

“You’re too generous, sire,” Rana answered, holding the bag out to him once she realized it was a coin purse. “I couldn’t—”

I was going to say that Synakrein could have kept the trip into town a secret and taken her another day, but he also probably wants to be more generous in the hopes that she'll decide to stay.

For the portion I have quoted, I just want to say that-- what other kind of purse would she think it was?


Anyway, that's all done!


This chapter was also good. Nice amount of plot progress given the word count, and Rana finally letting the prince know that she's really not that interested (though he probably figured that out)!
Pacing and flow were both great, and characters were handled nicely, as usual.

I'm interested in what the prince keeps having to tend to. Is it related to the mystery meat? Probably not. His constant departures remind me of Howl's Moving Castle, and his strolls with Rana continue to remind me of Beauty and the Beast. It's a nice little mixture with tons of your own things tossed in (like the whole world, which I'd love to see more of).

Wish I could leave more in these ending comments, but I get to what I want to say pretty quickly.


Hope this was helpful!

- Hatt

Thanks for the review!

I do see what you mean about him getting desperate for attention then taking her some place extravagant -- but to be fair, his wealth is his most redeeming quality, so it kind of makes sense? Like "Hey, pay attention to me, look at all the cool things I have" lol.

The walkway bit also makes sense. I think I originally meant the walkway as in like the arch that was carved out of the hedge, but I do see how it's confusing. I like the way you worded it. I'll probably steal that when I edit lol.

Ahh, I see the confusion on the book with the way I had it. I intended for the dialogue to go straight from one to the next, like he asked her about the reading time then commenting that she selected one of his favorites. But with the description of the flowers in between I see how that would make it unclear whether he's talking about the books or the flowers.

The kings and queens portion is also something I've had a bit of trouble with figuring out how to explain, so maybe you can help me with ideas there as well? Okay, so in Gnamrey (Synakrein's country) they have an ancient, stupid law where in order to hold the title of king the Crown Prince must be married first. So he's been ruling as sovereign as the prince, as he's bachelor. But lately it's been annoying him that he's not king, even though he's got all the ruling power he'll have once he's king -- and that's what's prompted him to look for a wife in the first place. But I couldn't figure out how to explain all that without it being excessively telly.

Anyhow, thanks again for the review! It was helpful, as always! :D

Ohhh, I thought that perhaps he was stuck as a prince until he married, but part of me also thought maybe his father was still alive so he was still just an heir and his dad would be like "nah no throne for you until you're married"-- but yeah, that makes sense then. Definitely would be difficult to explain it without being telly. hrm.

I wish I could suggest a way to go about it, but my brain is fried right now, haha.

Glad you liked the review, though! Oh, and the uhhh "pattern" comment was just a reaction to his character and not a note on your writing. Like, there's no problem with the trip to library, trip to garden, "oh what's the next trip?" thing.

But yeah. Good chapter! I'll hopefully get to the other ones once I have clearance from KoTGR that I've gotten my shield and can start working towards my helmet.

Sounds good :)

Unless there's been a change to the rules, though, you can work ahead before you've been awarded the other things. Like be like "I earned dis, dis, and dis" and then they award them all at the same time. Up to you. No particular rush on the reviews, just didn't want KoTGR to hold you back.

Personally I don't bother to update my review log til I've done like 20 reviews then all of a sudden I have a new badge plus stuff and it works fine lol.

Ahhh, I wasn't sure if it was advisable to go ahead and work on the next thing until you had confirmation. Like, wasn't sure if reviews would count if they were done before you received the previous badge? I'm also always wary that I'll have accidentally put a review that wasn't a green room review and then screw up my whole log because of that, lel

But yeah! I'll try to hit a couple more tonight. Hopefully no one knocks them out of the green roooom aah

Haha yeah, I think you can work ahead fine. I mean one of the badges is reviewing consecutive chapters of the same novel so it'd be hard to get that badge if you had to wait and risk the chapters being knocked out of the Green Room first lol.

But sounds good!

User avatar
elysian
Review
elysian wrote a review · Thu May 10, 2018 3:30 pm

Hello! Back again to review this chapter. Excited to see if you leave me anything to critique :p

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Grammar:

Father would occasionally set traps for her by telling her she may do something, when all he wanted was an excuse to yell at her for choosing differently than he would.


*no comma after something

Nikolas returned at one point to apologize for the Prince’s absence at dinner as well, but otherwise she was undisturbed in her reading.


*otherwise, she was

Rana hesitated in the doorway as she was met by the same girl that helped her into her night gowns the evening before.


*nightgowns

Her stomach wasn’t pleased at her attempts at avoiding Father, and she was glad to feed it before trying to sleep.


*with

Rana mostly kept her eyes to her plate and ate in silence, somewhat following along with the dull conversation between Father and the prince.


*on

She stiffly took his arm as he held it out to her and allowed him lead her from the room.


*to lead

To the right the hedges continued to line a stone path.


*right, the hedges

Story:

She was drawn into the text quickly, soon losing track of time and her surroundings as she voraciously tore through the information.


Love the imagery in this one :-)

Okay, I just finished and I think this is, again, a nice chapter. I do, however, feel as if these characters feel underdeveloped. I mean, I understand characteristics but I don't see any complexity that makes me really gravitate towards either of them. I feel like now that we are at the 8th chapter there should be more given.

Other than that, I enjoy your pace and I think this is a nice story that I'm interested in continuing reading, so onto the next!

- Del

Thanks again for the review! I make a bunch of little goofs with small words and commas and such and I appreciate you bringing them to my attention.

I do see what you mean about the character development. This chapter I wouldn't say is necessarily a "filler" per se as I don't know how to get her to the bit that really delves into the characters without it -- so I suppose that makes it a filler after all lol. I'll try to see if I can add a bit more depth and emotion into this chapter when I go through to edit. Thanks!



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year