Young Writers Society


The Charm of Deception - Chapter 18

Rana hesitated, watching Glynn walk back towards the campfire. He didn’t pause as he walked away, lifting his arm to gesture at her. “Come on, now. Don’t keep ol’ Glynn waitin’.”

Rana looked towards Jayk. He was smirking. He shrugged and gestured after Glynn. Rana frowned and followed him towards the campfire, the rest of the men following around her in a large pack. She watched as he took a seat and then patted the ground next to himself.

She walked up and took a seat to his left. Jayk sat down to her left. The other men began sitting around the bonfire. Rana started to tuck her legs under herself like she’d sit in a dress but realized she didn’t have to. She crossed her legs and looked at Glynn as he grabbed a plate of rolls. He took one and offered the plate to her.

Rana took one of the rolls then passed the plate on to Jayk. She was still perplexed by the events of the evening. She was beyond relieved that Jayk’s original threat hadn’t stood. But she still didn’t know what they had planned for her.

“So… how’d ya hurt your wrist?” Glynn asked, breaking the silence.

“Oh, it was, uh… nothing,” Rana said, resisting the urge to rub her wrists.

“‘Uh, nothing’ ain’t too convincing,” Jayk said.

“It was, uh…” Rana hesitated. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think he’d believe her, even if she told him the truth. And she doubted that telling him was a good move anyway.

“Must be a good one, for it to be so difficult to relate,” Jayk said. “Need some more wine first?”

Rana narrowed her eyes at him.

“Come, now,” Jayk said. “Truth. Spill it.”

“Well, you see, it was…”

“I could just take a look for myself,” Jayk threatened, reaching for her wrist.

“No! No, it’s uh,” Rana pulled her arms away, cradling them to his chest protectively. She laughed unconvincingly. “Funny story, actually…”

“Did it happen in Gnamrey?” Glynn cut in.

“Um… yeah, it might have,” Rana agreed.

“And how might it have happened?”

“I might have been a tad stubborn about doing something the prince ordered me to do.”

“No,” Jayk said sarcastically. “You? Stubborn? Never.”

“I know, it’s a stretch,” Rana answered, rolling her eyes. “But it might have resulted in a bit more of a response than I expected.”

“How about you stop being vague and start telling us what actually happened?”

“Fine,” Rana answered, sighing. She wasn’t coming up with any believable excuses. “Synakrein wanted me to watch him torture a serf he claimed stole a goat from his pastures to feed his family. Then he wanted me to participate, and I refused… so he threw me in the dungeon overnight.”

“Wow…” Jayk was silent for a long moment. “I take it you were a bit stubborn about the cuffs, huh?”

“Yeah.”

There was a long silence between them. Rana glanced at the men on either side of her then stared into the bonfire. Her mind drifted back to her night in the dungeon. It was terrible. But not nearly as terrible as her time in that torture chamber. Or watching Synakrein’s horrific meal.

“That sounds rough,” Glynn said.

“Yeah.”

“What’d you do after?”

“Oh, well, I uh… he came back and made me go back in to watch him torturing the serf… and I uh… I passed out. Apparently, I’m not great with blood.”

“That’s why you wanted to help his family,” Jayk said.

“Huh? Oh, uh…”

Jayk threw the coin purse from the night before in her lap. Rana froze, looking at the dark blue fabric. The golden threads of the Gnamreyian crest shined up at her mockingly. She wondered how she should react. She’d not planned on telling Jayk that she recognized him from her late-night escapade; and she’d certainly not planned on him recognizing her.

“Recognize that?”

“No,” Rana lied, shaking her head as she looked up to meet his gaze. “Nope. What is it?”

“Stop lying to me,” Jayk growled, resting his hand on his dagger.

“Oh, you know what, I think I do know what this is,” Rana backpedaled. “I… lost it…”

“When you decided to hand it over to two bandits, when you were out gallivanting in the middle of the night?” Jayk suggested. Rana didn’t answer. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. We recognized you.”

“How?” she demanded.

“I admit, it took us a little while,” Jayk said. “We’d mocked you last night after you left for your shrill voice, but we thought we were dealing with a frightened little lad. We were mighty confused as to where you’d gotten a pouch with a crest on it, or why you had the Algnesian accent, until we intercepted your carriage earlier.”

“And I wasn’t exactly a proper little lady…” Rana concluded.

“Oh, that, of course,” Jayk agreed. “I thought I recognized your voice then, but I wasn’t certain it was you until we dug your sopping wet trousers out of your trunk. What, you have to wade through a river to get out of the city?”

Rana rubbed her face. She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation. This entire night felt so surreal. “Yeah… I squeezed through the grate on the south side of the city wall.”

Through the gate? Huh, impressive. Guess there’s perks to being scrawny after all.”

“Yeah…”

“So… how’d you learn to fight?” Glynn asked.

“Oh, I uh—”

“Don’t you dare give us that story about not having any training,” Jayk interrupted, predicting her response. “That was an Aldik move through and through that you used on me. Now tell me how you know it.”

“How do you know Aldik?” Rana demanded.

“You first,” Jayk said.

“He’s our War Lord.”

“Our?” Jayk asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

“Of Algnes, yes,” Rana said. “And… he spends a good bit of time around the palace.”

“And your manor?”

“Yes,” Rana agreed. “He’s something of an… overseer, for me and Jae.”

“Hah! Ol’ Aldik’s a babysitter now?” Jayk crowed. “That’s gold.”

“Not a babysitter, so much as a disciplinarian,” Rana corrected. “I mean he doesn’t really keep us from doing stupid things… he more or less just makes sure we know it was stupid, after the fact.”

“So he punishes you when you’re bad,” Jayk said. “And I’m guessing you talked him into training you when you’re good?”

“Yeah,” Rana agreed. “We don’t tell Father that he trains me. But he’s Jae’s tutor, and he shows me stuff sometimes, too.”

“Who is this Jae you keep talking about?”

“Jaerek Thracker… the crown prince,” Rana said. “We’re friends.”

“Whoa, friends with the crown prince.” Jayk wiggled his eyebrows. “Sounds promising.”

Rana flushed, embarrassed at his suggestion. It never used to bother her when people teased her about Jae when they were children, because their claims were unfounded. Now, she wasn’t sure. It was hard to think of him as simply a friend, when he’d been there for her through so much.

Drayan walked up and sat on the other side of Jayk, smirking. “You have feelings for the lad?”

“I don’t have feelings at all,” Rana answered, lifting her chin.

Jayk snorted. “Sure, you don’t.”

For a girl as prone to as many fits of passions as he’d already witnessed, it was rather entertaining that she claimed not to have feelings. If she was as devoid as emotions as she claimed, he doubted she would’ve cared enough to leap off the top of her carriage and wave a sword at his head.

“Shut up,” she grumbled. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, hugging them close to herself protectively.

“Make me.”

Rana glanced at him, then rested her chin on her knees. She was starting to like him, despite herself. She didn’t trust him by any stretch of the imagination, but she figured sitting here with these ruffians was more pleasant than a night with Father would’ve been. Even though she was still sore from the beating she’d taken from Glynn.

She still felt vaguely unsafe, like Jayk might change his mind at any moment and throw her at the mercy of his men. And yet, none of the men had even attempted anything with her so far. She kept catching men stealing glances towards her, but it seemed like her presence was largely irrelevant.

“Come on, you look exhausted,” Jayk said, standing. “Time for bed.”

Rana stood also. Her body was weary, and she desperately hoped he really meant it was time for sleep. She didn’t have the energy left to fight him if he was planning on trying something, and he’d already proved that he could best her — twice.

“Night,” Jayk said.

“Night, Jayk,” Glynn said. “Rana.”

“Mr. Glynn,” she acknowledged.

“Glynn,” he corrected with a chuckle.

She walked in silence, a step behind Jayk. He led her back down the path towards the tent where she’d been kept initially. He led her a few tents further, then gestured for her to enter. He followed her in, then lit a small candle. Rana looked around the tent.

It was a small area. In the back, right corner was a small mattress lying on the ground with a thin blanket and a pillow on top. Next to the bed was a small crate, where he set the candle. At the foot of the mattress was his pack. To the left there was an empty space with a blanket and pillow thrown on the ground.

“You’re going to stay in here with me tonight,” Jayk said. “I don’t expect you’d have trouble out there, but you are the only woman that’s been in this camp for a mighty long time, and I can’t guarantee the boys won’t bother you unless you’re in here with me.”

“Okay,” Rana said. She didn’t figure she had much of a choice one way or another, but it was reassuring that he didn’t seem to plan on taking advantage of her himself.

“So, here’s the deal,” Jayk said, sitting down on the mattress and taking off his boots. “You’re free to move throughout the camp as you like. I’m not going to tie you up or anything. The only rule I’ve got is that you can’t go wandering off by yourself.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not turning you loose in the middle of Swaltou, especially not in the middle of the night,” Jayk said. “We’re heading towards Algnes anyway. You’ll travel with us, then we’ll make contact with your family, I guess.”

“Why?”

“Why won’t I let you go?” Jayk asked, looking at her skeptically. “Because it’s not safe. You can’t just—”

“Why are you taking me back to my family?” she interrupted.

It was obvious why he wouldn’t want her going off into Swaltou by herself. It was a vast expanse of forest that spanned many countries and was inhabited entirely by outlaws and bandits. Of all of the troupes she could find herself in, she imagined this one was the best option. She wouldn’t last an hour on her own.

“Because I have no interest in keeping you as a prisoner,” Jayk answered with a shrug, flopping down on his cot. He gestured carelessly at the blankets, yawning. “That’s for you.”

“Why’d you take me as a prisoner in the first place, then?” Rana shook the blanket out.

“Your Pap didn’t give me much choice,” Jayk said, turning his back on her as he rolled up in his blankets. “I didn’t figure on letting you kill him, but then he ran his mouth and didn’t give me an out of the ultimatum I issued. You had to come with us at that point.”

“Oh.” Rana laid down and spread the blanket over herself.

Jayk didn’t make any sense to her. He seemed like a living paradox. Issuing ultimatums he didn’t actually want to follow through on, but forcing himself to uphold them for pride’s sake. Pretending to be a hardened criminal, only to turn around and offer her refuge in his own tent to be sure she stayed safe. She didn’t understand.

Before long she heard Jayk snoring softly. She stretched out, getting as comfortable as she could on the ground. She felt a strange sense of safety as she laid there and was exhausted enough that she quickly faded off to sleep. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Right, I'm back!
I see Elysian has already focused on grammar so I'll ignore that again for the most part as there's no sense in repeating what has already been said!

She walked up and took a seat to his left. Jayk sat down to her left.

I don't think you need to be quite so specific here. Simply 'Jayk sat down in the free space beside her' or something to that effect would work better here.

Rana took one of the rolls then passed the plate on to Jayk. She was still perplexed by the events of the evening. She was beyond relieved that Jayk’s original threat hadn’t stood. But she still didn’t know what they had planned for her.

Like the last chapter, you're still writing in short statements. These feelings could be explored a little more - and try to show your reader how a character is feeling rather than telling them. Cliché, I know!

That's actually my main comment for this chapter. Things move a lot faster than they could, and it would be nice to see some of Rana's reactions as she processes everything that's happening. Of course, she may have already processed it all in previous chapters, but that's definitely something to check as all the speech seems very fast paced. I'm also wondering whether the other men were listening to their conversation? Or were they speaking amongst themselves? It's hard to get an idea of just how big the camp is and I think little details like that help the reader to picture the situation.

I'm conflicted about Jayk. He's very quick to defend her and reassure her but he let her think she was going to die only a chapter ago? I'm wondering if this is a conflict in his character or could just do with a little editing. Something to consider when you come to rewrite.

Hopefully this was of some help to you - let me know if you have any questions.

Icy.

Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate it! :D

User avatar
elysian
Review
elysian wrote a review · Sun May 13, 2018 3:35 am

wow, am I already at the last chapter? dang :p I hope you have more waiting to post!

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Grammar:

She’d not planned on telling Jayk that she recognized him from her late-night escapade; and she’d certainly not planned on him recognizing her.


*escapade, and she'd
or
*escapade; she'd certainly

“When you decided to hand it over to two bandits, when you were out gallivanting in the middle of the night?”


*no comma after bandits

We were mighty confused as to where you’d gotten a pouch with a crest on it, or why you had the Algnesian accent, until we intercepted your carriage earlier.”


*no comma after accent

It never used to bother her when people teased her about Jae when they were children, because their claims were unfounded. Now, she wasn’t sure. It was hard to think of him as simply a friend, when he’d been there for her through so much.


*no comma after children
*no comma after friend

Issuing ultimatums he didn’t actually want to follow through on, but forcing himself to uphold them for pride’s sake.


*no comma after on

Story:

She walked up and took a seat to his left. Jayk sat down to her left.


I would combine these sentences.

“Fine,” Rana answered, sighing. She wasn’t coming up with any believable excuses. “Synakrein wanted me to watch him torture a serf he claimed stole a goat from his pastures to feed his family. Then he wanted me to participate, and I refused… so he threw me in the dungeon overnight.”


I think she should just tell him that they were from handcuffs, and then when they press her further, tell the whole story. It was just a little awkward to go straight into spilling her guts again after not trusting them with this information seconds before.

For a girl as prone to as many fits of passions as he’d already witnessed, it was rather entertaining that she claimed not to have feelings. If she was as devoid as emotions as she claimed, he doubted she would’ve cared enough to leap off the top of her carriage and wave a sword at his head


Rana wouldn't know he is thinking this, so this is changing the third person limited view.

“Okay,” Rana said. She didn’t figure she had much of a choice one way or another, but it was reassuring that he didn’t seem to plan on taking advantage of her himself.


why does she all of a sudden trust him? Maybe she can go along with it, but think to herself how she's still unsure if she could trust him, but knew it might be her best chance to stay with him if he had happened to be telling the truth.

I felt that after that part ^ it makes sense for her to start feeling more at ease, but I think you should change that one part.

I really like this Jayk guy, and I hope he doesn't change into something bad. I'm really happy with the way this story is going, and I can't wait to see where you decide to take it next!

tag me in the next chapter, as always <3

Hope I helped!

- Del



I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?
— Homer Simpson