In the reflection of the window, I don't see my brown hair, or my mother's chestnut eyes. I don't see a hint of my tanned Inuit complexion, or the freckles that dotted my cheeks. I see a foreign being, with eyes glowing blue and yellow.
I am not human.
That is a truth that has been beaten into me since I opened my eyes at Gelus. Of course, I was taken back by the blunt statement. I mean, who wouldn't be, considering that from all my prior memories, the issue of what someone was had never been a topic for discussion. We were all simply people; nothing more, nothing less. Sure, there were titles, distinctions given to those of a certain caliber or birth, but no matter what, we shared the trait of being human.
Yet, now here I stand, labeled as something different, some being known as a Jeweloid. To be put plainly, I am a living, breathing weapon of this world's war. I am an advanced being, wielding powers that no human could ever possess, marked by strange tattoos, dark blue hair, and skin as pale as the snow I remember falling outside of my Alaskan home.
Home . . . a place I'll never see again. It was lost the moment I made that split second decision, and woke up to discover I had survived almost a thousand years, frozen solid until these people found me. The year is no longer 2015, it's 3001.
If I had been in any other type of environment, I probably would have imploded under all the confusion and despair that threatened to engulf me. I wanted Mom, Dad, Charlie, any of my other siblings to come and rescue me, but I knew that there would be nothing they could do. I cried to sleep countless nights as I silently pleaded with the stars to let this all be a dream, to let me wake up in my own bed. I wished for Mom to come to my side, but nothing happened.
You can't ask for help from the dead.
Looking back on it, I guess it is because of him that I was able to survive. He didn't really do anything more than play babysitter with me, but even so, I clinged to him. Before I even knew his name, I allowed myself to become attached to his side. When he did tell me his name, I was spellbound by the uniqueness of it.
"Isugoro Jintez . . . "
Heh, letting the sound of it fall from my lips still brings a strange feeling up my spine. But, yes, that young man was there from the start, he caught me in his arms, and was the first face I saw when I came to. It was a strange mix of events that allowed me to see so many sides of him. In my short time at Gelus, I got him into so much trouble; medical visits, fights powered by insanity, a horrible run-in with the grotesque terrestrial enemies called Noxcus, and even a jail sentence. I felt so much guilt, but he never blamed me for any of it, and when I reached the lowest points of my existence, he was there to catch me before I fell, literally and figuratively. He was kind to me, his voice was warm and his blue eyes were calm like an ocean on a perfect day. It helps that I found him attractive, I won't deny that. Something about the way he carried himself, how his blonde bangs fell slightly across his eyes, how his smile and laughter made me feel safe, it led me to become completely engrossed in him. Hell, by the time he and I were forced to part, I dare say I was over cloud nine, passed the moon, and heading for Saturn.
I didn't want to be separated from him, he was the only person that talked to me not like a Jeweloid, but like a human being. Even though he is a human, he didn't look down on me, in fact, he was always very quick to defend me, or protect me. The reason he's even involved with the Jeweloid Sector at this point is because of me. Before I left, I asked him to be my Partner, a sort of sidekick/teammate that Jeweloids are allowed to have. To my relief, he accepted, and from what I've heard, he's been training with two Jeweloids since I was made to leave so that he can protect me when I get back.
Now, I find these memories laughable. I acted stupidly, and made so many blind choices. It wasn't until I left Gelus that I finally began to understand the truth that so many had been trying to beat into me for so long. HERA isn't as insane as I first thought her to be, she's intelligently twisted. If anyone is to be dubbed mad, I'd say Maggie Smith deserves the title. She allowed herself to be played a fool by a charming young man, and gave him her heart without a second question. She to this day has no regrets of laying a kiss on those poisoned lips. Indeed, she still has feelings for that man, but she has been thrown to the back of my priorities. Maggie Smith is weak and inferior.
"Ma'am, we'll be arriving shortly."
I nod in response, looking back out at the world flashing by my eyes. I see mountains rising from the earth in the distance, higher and higher they climb into the air as if to warn those with the slightest bit of intelligence to turn the other way. I wish I could do the same, in fact, I'd rather take on a hundred Noxcus by myself, but I have no choice but to go.
I must go back to the Hell within those mountains; the military base 037, Gelus.
Oh well, like HERA said, by going back, I can finally prove that I am not someone who needs protection. I am a Class Zero, the most powerful of the advanced beings, that man won't stand a chance by my side. While part of me should feel a bit guilty for using Isugoro the way I have been, it's crushed under the weight of what he did. Slowly, he tortured me, lead me on to think that he truly cared about me, when in reality, he was probably just showing off for that best friend of his, Cent. He taunted me with his secrets, and then simply forgot about me. He's cruel.
Well, I won't just stand around and allow him to look victorious any longer. I am a Jeweloid, he is a Human, and I will destroy him slowly. Then, when I've won, I'll throw him to the back with her. I'll ignore her pleas to stop, her wails of guilt will only make me weaker.
Maggie Smith is no longer a player, so I will take the reigns.
I can feel my lips turning up at the thought.
"Ma'am, the Commander is asking what you'd like to be addressed as."
I turn my gaze towards the man in the cockpit and smile coldly.
"It's LAPIS. Nothing more."
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi Serene!
#RevMo
I'm back and continuing your novel by taking a step back and looking at this prologue which you decided to include after a review from me. I do have to say I like this as the beginning a whole lot more. Yes, it might mean that you have to make a few more changes to the first chapter in order for some introductory things to not repeat and all, but this is such a brilliant link between the first two books. Yes, this is when I think a prologue is done just right and there isn't too much for me to say here. I have a few things, but it won't be like the reviews I have for some of your other chapters. I think you did a great job of showing us inside of Maggie's head for the first time as well. I liked hearing things through her voice.
One thing you do have to be wary of when it comes to writing in two point of views is that we know whose point of view we are reading. Seeing as this is the prologue to a new book the reader can guess who it is and they quickly find out it is Maggie. But at the beginning of every other chapter now would be a good job to put their name - just Maggie or Isugoro so we know who we are seeing things from. It's just so the reader doesn't have to keep guessing every time there is a chapter break.
Oh, and I feel like you have to be very very careful when it comes to writing their thoughts and in a certain style. Isugoro has to have a few things that he does and says in his writing style that comes across as Isugoro. And now Maggie needs her own sets of quirks and for her own personality to show through the prose. You need to make sure they sound different and nothing like each other. An example of where I felt like Maggie sounded like Isugoro was when she said:
I felt like the 'heh' at the beginning of that sentence was so odd, and that the only person who would really say this would be Isugoro himself. So I would cut that out and replace it with a word that is more Maggie character like. Or just fill it with nothing. It's up to you, but make her her own person.
At the beginning of this chapter I realised you were doing a little recap part as to who the Jeweloid's exist and what they are being used for. But you never mentioned them practically being enslaved, and I think that would be a good point to give that little remainder in the novel or for the readers to understand might have a role in the future (which it could).
I found a lot of comma splices here. I didn't pull them all, but some of them. Look out for when two separate sentences seem to be conjoined only a comma. It shouldn't happen, like in the sentence above. It sounds odd. I would replace the first comma with the words 'even though' to make the sentence run smoother. And I have told you about comma splices before, but if you want me to repeat in chat or a PM, just let me know.
Get rid of the 'a' in this sentence. It alienates the readers from the sentence because they lik being seen as a collective group.
This comma should really be a colon instead.
Comma needed after the first word.
Ooh, comma splice here! I think you simply need to replace the second comma with a full stop instead.
This was such a good prologue and I enjoyed it a lot. Looking forward to reading the next chapter you have out!
Deanie x
Oh god, I didn't think about the personality shift
I'll have to remember that lol
Thanks! Hope to hear more from you soon!
The first thing that catches my eye is the way you explain everything in this world. I feel like you have put an immense amount of thought into it. I appreciate thought going into your writing, because I too think heavily about worlds. Worldbuilding is super duper important in a writers' story. I commend you for being able to do this well.
Pro/Con of your worldbuilding: Very much is confusing. I feel like I understand parts of this. The concept is very interesting. The Jeweloids and Humans and such and the MC not being human is intriguing but some of the acronyms you use make absolutely no sense. I get that this is a prologue, and I am sure you will continue with explaining later in your writing.
Something I struggle with and believe you do as well is; Show don't tell. You do so much explaining and while I enjoy it, most people prefer to be able to figure things out more for themselves. With this being said, I don't think you do it too excessively because I still believe we all stand here with lots more to learn, but it does dry out the writing at times.
Again, as I already said, you have a wonderful concept here that has so much potential for a great story!
Another thing, For awhile I was unaware of the MC being female. (The MC is female right?... I'm pretty sure. )
I just looked at another review and have now realized that this is the beginning to a sequel which would make sense as to why I have no idea what's going on and those acronyms makes no sense. Ahhh. Alright then.
I'm very curious, I get the suspicion that the MC was human at one point and now has no family left? This is total speculation because I have no idea what happens in the first book.. I'll have to go back and read that in the near future.
Grammar-wise I think you have wonderful grammar, there are a few wacky sentences, but nothing a quick edit won't fix!
Anyways, I like what you have here and look forward to reading more written by you. I recommend working on showing and not telling. I wish you good luck. Thank you for writing this, and I hope I was of some help!
- Cody
Yes lol DUET is a sequel
The first book is named LAPIS, and you can find it on YWS in my portfolio lol
Yes, Maggie is female, but she's actually not the protagonist. The story is actually told from the Point of View of the boy she is talking about; Isugoro Jintez. I wanted to lay down some tension from her side however before the second book, as you can see she and Goro, as I call him, do have issues at the moment.
I hope you do read LAPIS, I'd love to hear your opinion. Fair warning however, LAPIS was started 3 years ago, so the first chapters aren't very well written out lol
But I would always love feedback on plot!
Thanks!
~Maddie
So I have not read anything of yours before this and decided to start with the prologue as one would. Let me say right off the bat that you have pretty great technical grammar. There may be a few sentence structures I would change like "as the snow I remember falling from my Alaskan home" I think would sound better maybe like " as the snow I watched fall outside of my Alaskan home" or something like that, anyway that's just personal style. The story line sounds very interesting. Makes me think a bit about Divergent, (if that's where you got your inspiration) but yours has an obvious different twist from the beginning. I do want to say; however, from a readers perspective that it's A LOT for the prologue, You're obviously trying to provide some backstory and a hook, but by the end I was kind of confused on what was happening. I'm sure by reading more I'd find out the answers, but I think a bit more clarification and it would be golden.
Oops I forgot to put a warning
DUET is the second book in a series XDD
The first, which is also on here, is called LAPIS
I'd DEFINITELY read that first, or else you may be a little confused XD
My bad
Well crap, I feel dumb ahha. Now I'll definitely do that! Thank you for letting me know!
OK! Though fair warning: the beginning of it is like 3 years old so it's kinda bad at first, so I'd just focus on content for a bit XDD
I know the split second decision maybe noticeable, but this just keeps making me wonder what it is. I LOVE IT.
You say "to survive", I'd say "to stay sane." I feel without Jin, she would be closed off and untrusting of those around her.
You make me not like her, especially with this one part.
She 'saw' so many sides of him, then why *in the next couple of chapters* did she not....ugh I can't even find the right words. She knows him, like the back of her hand almost. SO COME ON MAGGIE/LAPIS USE THAT BRAIN OF YOURS AND THINK, for crying out loud (or at night as you seem to do).
I like how she's saying "Maggie Smith." It lets us she her change from her perspective. I still wish I knew why she wanted to be called LAPIS and what it stood for (if it stand for anything).
Very good job with this. As always. I simply liked this, (LOL, I didn't love it because Jin wasn't in it
I'd love to see her thought's. Now that's she back and Jin is still acting the same, I'd like to see how she handles it and if she cracks and become part Maggie, part LAPIS.
~Sharrae out, tottles