Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Lloyd
Lloyd could sense Morden's and Lyn's eyes on him, could tell that they were worried. He straightened, resisting the urge to give in and collapse on the ground. He blinked, trying to clear his vision, stumbling as he stepped forwards. "Well, what are you both staring at?" he asked, his tone harsher than necessary.
His apprentice took a step towards him, halted, unsure. "Are you okay?"
He shoved away her hand as she reached out to steady him. "Fine. I'm fine." He watched her shifting nervously from foot to foot, before sighing irritably. "What?"
Lyn bit down on her lip again. "If you're sure...I need to go home."
He was about to nod when he felt the edges of a thought. His eyes glazed over slightly as he tried to grab it. He caught it, pulled it into focus. The right corner of his mouth curled in anger as he lurched forward, grabbing her wrist tightly. "Are you fucking insane?! With Trevalli back, it's not safe. If he even suspects the truth he'll kill you. Or worse..." He stared deeply into her eyes, trying to see what she could possibly be thinking. The pain in them dug into his chest as he released her wrist, taking a step back. "Gods. What was I thinking? Lyn, I'm sorry, I swear. But please, think about what you're doing."
He could see the determination in her face. "I thought there was supposed to be honour among rogues."
"There is, of course there is for the most part. But if someone like Kyden saw what you were hiding they'd just view revealing your secret as a way of getting revenge." He sighed again. "I understand you have family, friends. Please, just promise me you'll be careful."
Barely a second after she said the words he pulled her into a tight hug. "I don't want to lose you."
~
As he watched the blonde girl walk away the stench of bile filled his nostrils. He turned to Morden, who had been watching the scene in silence. "I can offer you a room for the night. I assume you bought one from Aron before... well.. before the events of the past few hours."
The assassin nodded once, walking next to him as he carefully began heading back to his home. He had never noticed before how uneven the roads were. But now he was tripping over every loose stone. They walked in silence through the twisting maze of dusty streets for a while before Morden spoke.
"Care to explain what happened back there?"
"Does the name Erilyn Crinamorte mean anything to you?" Lloyd asked in reply, watching the man carefully.
"Some rich noble girl. Apparently frequently ill, even bedridden at times." His eyes showed the pieces clicking into place. "That's her?"
"Yes. You see, while the nobility have seen her face in her other life, when she is playing my apprentice, doing a damn good job of it too, it's dark and she's masked. There's nothing to join the two unless someone like Kyden sees her as a noble and connects the dots." Lloyd closed off as they walked down a side street, entering through the open doorway of yet another rundown building. He walked along the hallway, past wooden doors with thick locks until he reached a flight of stairs. He led the way up them, taking care not to step on the moldy patch as he entered the top floor. Here the doors were further apart, but with the same thick locks. He reached the door on the end, the only one without a lock, turned the handle and swung it open, letting the assassin enter first. "Home sweet home."
Despite his sarcastic words the small apartment was nicer than what the rest of the building would lead you to think. A small bed was shoved up under the large, almost clean window. A sofa rested against the opposite wall. Next to the sofa stood a tall shelf, filled with well-read books. A plain rug covered the middle of the otherwise wooden floor, with a small table placed on top of it. Three closed doors took up most of the space of the wall across from the entrance. Lloyd pointed to them in order from left to right. "Kitchen, cupboard, bathroom. You can have the sofa. Spare blankets are in the cupboard. I don't have a lock because I find it invites amateurs to prove they can pick it, and anyway no one is stupid enough to try and rob me. Now that should answer all your questions, so if you'll excuse me I'm feeling rather tired." And with those words he lay on the bed, blacking out.
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125,380 Literary Works • 672,931 Reviews
This is an epic story, and I'm impressed with the way that you've created it. Great job! The characters are fascinating, and, despite the fact that I have never read this story before, I feel like I understand the plot and the characters exceptionally well. Your character development is awesome, and I like the tension that you create in the opening of the chapter. After all, it sounds like that Lyn is hiding a deep secret that might just get her killed if she isn't careful. Seeing Lloyd's affection for her was nice, and it was also surprising to learn about Lyn's secret. So she's a rich noble who, in secrecy, works as the apprentice for a master thief? That's quite the twist, and I can understand why Lyn is in danger.
Your usage of details is wonderful. I can imagine each of the events and places of the story, and your description of Lloyd's bedroom is fantastic. Obviously, Lloyd has been through a lot, considering how weak he is at the beginning of the chapter and how he blacks out on his bed at the end of the chapter. I like his description of why he hasn't put a lock anywhere - it adds a bit of humor to the story, and also shows how intelligent and renowned Lloyd is.
All in all, this is an excellent story, and I'm impressed! Your character development is excellently implemented throughout the story, and your characters are diverse and interesting. The action and plot of the chapter is also conceived excellently, and there is nothing that I find that has an error or should be corrected. Keep up the good work; this is great!
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked my plot twist and didn't think it was too improbable.
Dragongirl ready to review the daylights out of this piece.
Okay, maybe not the daylight out of it. True is there isn't much I would change about this piece. There is, without a doubt, an interesting story here and I say that having not read the previous chapters!
A spot or two you might clean up though...
This is a run on sentence. You have overdone your commas creating a booger of a sentence to muddle through. Try trimming it up a bit;
The nobles know her face but when she is playing my apprentice, and doing a d-n good job of it, she is masked. Sometimes a few less commas is better.
Try breaking up the pattern of your sentence a bit. Here you start one sentence, break it with a comma and then end it. You repeat this same sentence structure three times in a row. That can bore a read without them even knowing why they are bored with your story. Mix things up.
The commas, once again, are over done here which is why I am cringing as I point out that Home sweet home should actually be [Home, sweet home[/i]
Hope I wasn't to nitpick with this.
I quite enjoyed your story, you have a lot of good elements that will keep your readers coming back for more.
Keep up the good work,
DG
I meant to say I really liked the description here.
Thanks for the review. I think I do have a tendency to use too many commas in my writing, so I'll try and use less from now on.
Hey, looking over my review I notice it had a ton of typos in it, making it totally confusing! Sorry about that. I tried to fix it.
Again, my deepest apologies.