Sebastian
The heels of the young man's boots clicked against the wooden floorboards as he paced, twisting the ring on his finger with every step. His hand moved from the ring to rest on the hilt of a knife as he turned to his Guard Captain. "So what you're telling me is that somehow you and your men managed to lose him twice?" His voice was calm, quiet, but inwardly he was seething. "Tell me firstly how you managed to screw up so badly and secondly why I shouldn't just kill you now?" His tone remained mild, but in one smooth motion he drew the knife, testing it with his finger. He wiped the spot of blood onto his black trousers as he waited for the older man to respond.
Felyx's eyes watched the knife as he began to speak. "With all due respect, Lord Sebastian, he is a master thief." He swallowed nervously as something flashed in Sebastian's eyes.
"With all due respect, Captain, he was carrying an unconscious girl the first time and barely conscious himself the second. I don't like your incompetence and I don't like your attitude." He threw the knife, the tip burying itself into the oak wood wall, centimeters from Felyx's head. "But I am a forgiving man and therefore you have one final chance. As you know I have my official acceptance as Thief-Taker tonight. Make sure none of my guest's have anything stolen and you'll be rewarded. Fail me and tomorrow I'll be searching for a new captain." He waved his hand, "Dismissed. Oh and tell Conorr I wish to speak to him."
As the door closed behind Felyx, Sebastian began pacing again. His hand returned to the ring as he walked over to the fireplace and sat in one of the chairs the stood in front of it. "Take a seat Conorr," he said, gesturing to the other chair. His spymaster, a man of average appearance, moved to the chair and sat, his footsteps silent. Sebastian regarded him silently for a moment. It was hard to imagine that this unassuming figure was capable of so much. Even if less than half of the rumors were true this was a man with a reputation for acquiring information no matter what it took.
"I want you to find out what you can about the man named Lloyd. Where he lives, who he speaks to, what secrets he has."
"And when I have?"
A cold smile spread across Sebastian's face. "And when you have I want you to break him. Don't kill him though. I want to remove him personally."
Conorr smiled slightly, fingers brushing against the armrest of the chair. "This is going to be so much fun. I assume you're giving me free rein as to how I go about this task?" Sebastian nodded. "Perfect." His smile spread, into a predatory grin. "Then I shall take my leave. Good luck at your party." He stood and moved to the door, every motion precisely calculated. His fingers curved around the handle of the knife, pulling it out of the wall. "A decent throw, my Lord." He bowed low and exited the room toying with the knife as he walked.
Sebastian remained seated, staring into the fire for a few moments before standing and moving from his study to his bedroom. He changed quickly into his ceremonial outfit, pausing to make sure the ring was still securely on his finger. "I can't go losing you now, can I?" he whispered to himself. "Not when everything is finally working as it should." He allowed himself to twist the ring one last time before exiting his chambers and heading towards the sounds of a celebration.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hullo! I've not read the previous parts so if I say anything which you feel you covered earlier, please take my comments with a pinch of salt!
You have a nice introduction and already this character is a little chilling but this line of dialogue was a bit too bland. The use of 'just' makes him seem more human and takes away from the scariness because it's one of those filler words you hear too much and 'kill you' is very vague. The scariest villains are the ones who have already contemplated how you will die if you say the wrong thing. 'and secondly why I shouldn't slit your throat'; 'and secondly why I shouldn't boil you from the inside out'; 'and secondly why I shouldn't bury you alive'.Specifics
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3. Nice work on the spy master - he seems like a creepy guy.
Overall
I'm not sure that the end of the chapter matches up with the start. If this boy has evaded them then how are things finally going as they should? There has been no improvement on that situation so it feels odd that Sebastian has gone from quietly seething to feeling triumphant. I feel that more needs to happen for such a strong switch in emotions.
Other than that I liked it. I think you did a good job of describing the action and the characters and the dialogue flows nicely. A little more description of the room might be nice - wooden floors and wooden walls make me feel the room must be bare unless there are carvings or tapestries or rugs? Surely there's a rug in front of the fire and describing it as thread bare or delicately woven would give us some indication to the wealth of Sebastian as well. You could also throw in some sensory description - what does the room smell like? Incense? Dried blood? Is the fire making the room overly warm and therefore adding to the old man sweating or is the room drafty elsewhere and the fire looks inviting?
Thanks for the read!
~Heather
Thanks for the review. Good things have been happening for Sebastian in chapter 1 which is what he is referring to. Thanks for the tips on how to make him seem more menacing and I'm glad you liked Conorr as a character. \(=^%u2025^)/
Ooooh this seems so interesting!
(Meda here for a review~)
I've written a few reviews in a row today and I seem to be fixated on dialogue. I love the way yours is done--you have a great mixture of description of the setting and characters and of actual speaking. It is really nice to read something so well-written.
Thanks for posting~
Thanks for the review
. I'm glad you thought I did well with the dialogue as getting it too flow is one of the things I find the hardest.
hi. I want to read the first chapters then review this part sometime this week. remind me if I forget, heheheh.
Cool thanks