16+ Language

Trials of a Master Thief: Chapter 2

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

C2: Welcome to my life

Lloyd

So the afternoon could have gone a lot better. There was nothing wrong with admitting that. It wasn't his fault after all. Well, only slightly. He cradled his wounded arm as he walked, glaring darkly at anyone who even thought of approaching him as he remembered the events of the past few hours.

~

Despite both its location in one of the shadier parts of the city, and the ceremony that was still going on, the Marquis and the Barrel tavern was still occupied by a fair amount of people. This was due in part to the fact that its location actually kept away most of the guard, but was also because it was warm and as clean as anything ever got. Also it had surprisingly good food. 

A few of the occupants waved in greeting. Freakishly tall Darryl Easton, his height made even more obvious by the fact his closest friend was only 4'7. Andrei Luten, with only four fingers on each hand. Andrei's twin sister Avery, the woman with eyes of two colours. And others, people Lloyd either hadn't seen before or had never cared enough to talk to.

He sensed Lyn moving away from his side to find a seat as he neared the counter. The tavern's owner, Aron, a rather short, compact man, with a love of good food and better stories, was gesturing wildly at another of the tavern's patrons. As Lloyd approached he could tell the man was new in town, as Aron was reciting his, now wildly embellished, tale of how the tavern had been named. He listened, amused, before stepping in. "Of course, if you want to know what really happened in any situation, you should know Aron is the last person you want to talk to." The corners of his mouth twisted up slightly. "If a fight of such epic proportions happened here, he would be cowering in a corner somewhere. I'm afraid, the real tale is much simpler. The old Eastward Marquis was a little too drunk, tripped and fell head first into a barrel. The poor man never quite recovered."

Aron mock-glared at him. "And how am I supposed to make a name for myself when you make light of my brave deeds?"

"Spare me your precious, wounded ego for now, Aron. I'm far more interested in two of your splendid drinks and the identity of your friend." Lloyd's eyes ran over the stranger. 

The man was maybe a few inches taller than he was and rather well built, however it was the long scar which traced along the left side of his jaw that drew the eye. His face formed an expressionless mask, showing no signs of what he was thinking. Lloyd could see he was also being sized up. Aron coughed nervously in the background, stepping backwards when both men turned to face him.

"What I was going to say, is that, his name... it's Morden Cantrell." Lloyd watched Aron's face redden as he stumbled for words. "You know... the assassin who's number two on our new Taker's hit list."

Cantrell turned his stare onto Lloyd. "You seem familiar with this city. I'm curious as to who the so-called 'Master Thief' currently at number one, is."

"Actually, it's Lloyd here," Aron interjected nervously.

Morden raised an eyebrow, allowing a faint impressed look to cross his face. "You'll have to tell me how you managed it." He smirked a little. "I hate losing, even to a worthy opponent."

"Make that three drinks, Aron." Lloyd turned his full attention to Cantrell. "And would you count me as a worthy opponent?"

"Perhaps. But I do think your... sister... is waiting for you?"

Lloyd turned to look in the same direction as the assassin, realizing he was looking at Lyn. He was about to correct the man when the tavern door swung open, banging against the wall. He inwardly sighed, identifying the new arrivals as Kyden Tobyr and his group of thugs. The man had a reputation for brutality. Almost any crime involving serious injury or death could be linked back to him. Lloyd watched as Kyden noticed him and moved over, slinging his arm over his shoulder as he reached him. Lloyd took a step away, aware of Morden watching them with interest.

"Lloyd! It's been too long. Remind me why I've made this blunder of ignoring such a good friend for so much time?" Kyden's words oozed menace, carefully manipulating the situation.

Lloyd kept his voice calm. "Neither I, nor my apprentice, appreciated the advances you were making. And I assure you, from where I stand it hasn't been anywhere near long enough."

"Oh of course. The girl. Lyn was her name if I remember correctly. You haven't lost her have you? Thieving can be such a dangerous line of work." His eyes darted over to where she was sitting, then went straight back to Lloyd.

Lloyd met Kyden's eyes, his voice taking on a hint of danger. "I don't like where I think you're going with this. If you're threatening her..."

"Me, threatening? I'm just warning you, as a friend. Just like, as a friend I'm telling you that you're behind on the toll."

"What bloody toll?" Lloyd's hand went to his sword in anticipation.

"The crime toll. The one stopping me and my gang from handing any lesser criminals over to the Taker. Don't worry, I'll let you off this time. But I'm afraid I'm can't make the same exceptions for everyone." A couple of his men moved towards Lyn. 

Lloyd drew the sword, slashing towards Kyden's neck in one fluid motion, which the thug blocked, using his momentum to shove him backwards. His head slammed into the counter. He was aware of Aron cowering in the corner, blurs of movement in front of him. Yells of pain and rage filled the air. He struggled to steady himself, sensing Kyden had moved away.

Gradually the noise died down. He launched himself forward, barely conscious, wildly swinging at the nearest target. The man grabbed his wrist, twisting the sword away from both of their bodies. "Calm the fuck down. She's fine for now, but the guard will be on their way." 

Lloyd somehow guided the sword back into it's scabbard, crying out indignantly as he was lifted off the ground. "I'm going to kill you Cantrell. I'm going to bloody kill you." 

He could hear the assassin chuckle. "While I don't question your skill, I doubt even you would be capable of it."

~

A while later the assassin stopped running and set him back on his feet. He could hear Lyn's voice in the background as he proceed to empty the contents of his stomach onto the cobblestones, leaning against a wall. "Kill me now."

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
tigeraye
Review

So the afternoon could have gone a lot better. There was nothing wrong with admitting that. It wasn't his fault after all. Well, only slightly. He cradled his wounded arm as he walked, glaring darkly at anyone who even thought of approaching him as he remembered the events of the past few hours.


Even though this was clearly written from a third person POV in the last chapter, this intro left me a bit confused. At first I thought it was Lloyd speaking, mostly because of the Lloyd written at the beginning and the "Welcome to my Life" title. My suggestion is just to add "for Lloyd and Lin" at the end of the first sentence, then change "his" to "Lloyd".

So this will be a flashback, and we don't know where they're completely at yet. hm.

Despite both its location in one of the shadier parts of the city, and the ceremony that was still going on, the Marquis and the Barrel tavern was still occupied by a fair amount of people. This was due in part to the fact that its location actually kept away most of the guard, but was also because it was warm and as clean as anything ever got. Also it had surprisingly good food.


Alright, so they're at a far-off tavern away from guards. Need a comma after "Also" in the last sentence though.

I presume a good amount of the story is going to take place in this bar, otherwise, the amount of detail put into describing it is unnecessary.

I have to say, while this is well-written by a stylistic standpoint, the pacing is all off. The background of the story, and the world that they live in still hasn't been fully explained. Meanwhile, you introduce a rather modest amount of characters in this chapter, and its hard to find out who hates who and why, or juggle just why the assassin is going after Lloyd, or where they're even at. I think you have a good concept overall, but you're trying to put too much on the plate at once.

I think I understand what's going on, though. Lloyd makes his way to the bar, where an assassin appears and ends up wounding him. Alright. My interpretation of that is that Lloyd is a complete dumbass. I don't think that's what you wanted, but if you have a 100,000 dollar bounty on your name, and your great idea is "Hey, let's hit the bar," that makes me think you're flat out stupid.

A while later the assassin stopped running and set him back on his feet. He could hear Lyn's voice in the background as he proceed to empty the contents of his stomach onto the cobblestones, leaning against a wall. "Kill me now."


Who's saying this, Lyn? I thought she was a girl, so maybe that's just a typo. This endings just a tad confusing. shrug.

Sorry if that ending was a bit confusing. It's meant to be Lloyd saying it while Lyn is talking to Morden in the background, but sorry that wasn't clearer.

dw about it, later today I'm going to read through the first parts again so I can understand it better. the plot is interesting ^^

User avatar
Chaser
Review
Chaser wrote a review · Sat Mar 14, 2015 3:25 am

If I may state my opinion,

This is actually an excellent story. The dialogue sounds realistic and snappy, while the details allow an excellent understanding of action.

But since this a review, I'll tell you that the tavern, though it is good, could possibly be expounded upon. What's the general mood in the tavern? During the fight? After the fight? With that many people, there's sure to be a detail or two that can be added to flesh out the tavern and townsfolk.

Also, I get the feeling that Aron should react a little to the presence of Kyden. One sentence of description or dialogue would do the trick.

But that's about it. This is a really good story, and I'm enjoying watching it develop. Have fun and good luck writing.


-Chaser

Thanks for the points. I'll try and add a bit more detail in later chapters :)

User avatar
kevin25a
Comment

Loved this looking forward to chapter three.

Thanks for the review :)

Your welcome, I liked this story a lot.

User avatar
TheElderOne
Review

Ah, so the Taker, Sebastian, is some sort of bounty hunter that has smaller bounty hunters like Kyden under him. That's what I'm guessing, anyways. So, I would wager that Lloyd and Lyn are going to work alongside Cantrell to assassinate Sebastian. As for mistakes, I only a few comma mistakes and a mix-up on it's/its. Nothing major or noticeable. Again, another good chapter.

Thanks for the review. :)
You were a little off on the bounty hunter thing, but what the Taker actually does is going to be explained in better detail later. :)
(I actually borrowed the title from the newest Thief game, because it sounded better than anything else I could think of ;)



"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
— We Bought A Zoo